Why I Don’t Believe The Christine O’Donnell One-Night Stand Story

With only a few days left before Election Day, Gawker has strangely decided to run an anonymous account from a man claiming he was offered a one-night stand three years ago by Delaware Republican Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell which is supposed to be shocking because of her 30-odd years of abstinence and all that anti-masturbation talk. However, my political views aside, this story recounting a drunken night on the town can almost immediately be rejected after reading the following passage:

Christine was a decent kisser, but as soon as soon as her clothes came off and she was naked in my bed, Christine informed me that she was a virgin.
“You’ve got to be kidding,” I said. She didn’t explain at the time that she was a “born-again virgin.” She made it seem like she’d never had sex in her life, which seemed pretty improbable for a woman her age. And she made it clear that she was planning on staying a virgin that night. But there were signs that she wasn’t very experienced sexually. When her underwear came off, I immediately noticed that the waxing trend had completely passed her by.
Obviously, that was a big turnoff, and I quickly lost interest. I said goodnight, rolled over, and went to sleep.

Really? A completely wasted dude is presented with a consensual opportunity to have sex, yet passes on it because of some unruly public hair? Let me explain the statistical probability of that ever happening: FUCKING. ZERO. How Gawker didn’t reject this story on its face is beyond me. Not to mention, as others who more closely follow politics have pointed out, this just presented Christine O’Donnell an opportunity to, rightly, paint herself as a victim of sexism in the media which is exactly what she did this morning in a statement:

This story is just another example of the sexism and slander that female candidates are forced to deal with. From Secretary Clinton, to Governor Palin, to soon-to-be Governor Haley, Christine’s political opponents have been willing to engage in appalling and baseless attacks — all with the aim of distracting the press from covering the real issues in this race. Even the National Organization for Women gets it, but Christine’s opponent disturbingly does not. As Chris Coons said on September 16th he would not condone personal attacks against Christine. Classless Coons goons have proven yet again to have no sense of common decency or common sense with their desperate attacks to get another rubber stamp for the Obama-Pelosi-Reid agenda.”

Fortunately, she handled the situation with poise and grace once you look past the part where she dovetailed into calling her opponent’s supporters “classless Coons goons” and basically insinuated they planted this report on Obama’s orders. But, regardless, as 100% of the photos I biasedly chose prove, Christine O’Donnell might be a crazy woman trying her best to contort her body into never having an orgasm, there’s still no way in hell this story is true, or even had the semblance of sounding plausible. Unless, of course, she really does have some sort of freakishly thick pubic hair that ensnares children and small pets, but even then, beer + men = “Are we related? Not that it matters.” Every single time.

EDIT: Apparently, I’m the only one who interpreted “I plan on staying a virgin tonight,” as “This is what I always say – right before having vaginal intercourse.” The Christian ladies know what I’m talking about.

Photos: Getty