The Crap We Missed – Thursday 9.18.14

September 18th, 2014 // 364 Comments

Welcome to Thursday’s The Crap We Missed where we abandon our creepy theme for straight-up buttcrack, because we’re clickwhores who feed on pageview dollars. That said, You’ll Never Believe What Happens After Quincy Jones Suckles At Queen Latifah‘s Neck. Also, If You Only Look At One Pic Today, It Has To Be This One Of Howie Mandel Staring At Heidi Klum‘s Tits. See where I’m going here?

What Ashton Kutcher‘s Penis Did To Mila Kunis Will Literally Have You In Tears (Yes, I could do this for every one of these.)

- Photo Boy

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Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

The Other Models Are Mean To Kendall™, You Guys

September 18th, 2014 // 48 Comments

Kendall Jenner genuinely believes her modeling career is solely the result of “hard work,” and being like super pretty, but even models whose diets consist of a sprig of kale and heroin know it’s because someone who fell out of the same vagina as her got peed on in a sex tape. In Touch Weekly reports:

“The other models worked so hard to get a spot on the runway and didn’t think it was fair that she was there,” a source tells the new issue of In Touch, revealing that as revenge they decided to mess with her.
“Some [of the models] put out their cigarettes in Kendall’s drink!” the source explains. “They thought she was getting special treatment and just weren’t OK with it.”

“NO, NOT CIGARETTES IN HER DRINK! Is she alright? We should probably call the police. — Or In Touch. They would probably buy this. Tell her, um, tell her mommy’s handling this, and she did the right thing by talking to somebody, and of course we won’t tell anyone about it because then the other girls will know she snitched. I know have their number somewhere…”

Photos: Getty

A Lady Gaga Post? Okay, Why Not?

September 18th, 2014 // 21 Comments

So remember Lady Gaga? Weird nose, kind of a Madonna thing going on? It’s not important. Anyway, here she is in Athens yesterday where she did a bunch of stuff with her tits and ass which I’m now posting on the Internet for people to get boners from because journalism isn’t always NFL players beating women and children with abandon. It’s sometimes butts.

Photos: INFphoto, Splash News

Avril Lavigne & Chad Kroeger Headed For Divorce

September 18th, 2014 // 32 Comments

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger already shat in our ears musically, so what other purpose could their marriage possibly serve after that? It did what Satan intended it to do, and now it’s time for her to fuck some other shitty band from my freshman year of college. Us Weekly reports:

“It’s over,” a source tells Us. “He has been going around L.A. telling people that they are divorcing.”

Check it out, I’ve got the dude from Papa Roach on the line. You should definitely talk to him and not click on the link I used for his name. That’s just some stupid website shit. No reason to look at it.

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Photos: FameFlynet

Mexico Wants To Kill Miley Cyrus Now

September 18th, 2014 // 19 Comments
Never Go Full James Franco
Miley Cyrus Dirty Hippie
Wait, Did She Say Pineapple Jizz? Read More »

If Breaking Bad taught me any lessons in life, it’s that a man shouldn’t have to ask for some goddamn pancakes, and that Mexico will cut your head off and stick it onto an exploding turtle. Which is why I couldn’t be more excited to tell you that it hates Miley Cyrus now. TMZ reports:

Miley was performing Tuesday night — on Mexican Independence Day, mind you — in Monterrey, Mexico when one of her dancers slapped her prosthetic butt with a Mexican flag.
Apparently Mexican officials are super sensitive about disrespecting national symbols so the congress of the state of Nuevo Leon wants her prosecuted. The crime of desecration carries a $1,200 fine and a 36 hour jail sentence.

If any of mi hermanos are reading this south of the border, you should probably know that Vagina Wedgero often disguises herself as a woman named “Justin Bieber” before violating an innocent, young Latina girl. Your vengeance must be strong!

Miley Cyrus Ass Spanked With The Mexican Flag After The Jump

Jenny McCarthy Lost Her Wedding Ring Already

September 18th, 2014 // 18 Comments
Wait, Where's Mahky?
Jenny McCarthy Cleavage Donnie Wahlberg Wedding
He Sent You An Instahgram, Ya Wickid Bastahd Read More »

Because Jenny McCarthy is like super hilariously dumb, you guys – haha, *snort* – she already totally lost her wedding ring, and she hasn’t even been married a whole month! *farrrt* But definitely listen to her for medical advice though. Us Weekly reports, and brace yourself to not reads the words, “I thought it was candy!” I’m as shocked as you are:

I’ve already lost the ring,” McCarthy, 41, said on the local Fox program. “We were staying in a hotel and you can’t have a wedding ring on… it’s a little hard to get romantic with diamonds on your hand. I removed it and put it on the room service table and they came and turned down the room and the ring was gone… But you know what though? If you’re gonna lose your wedding ring, you should lose it that way.”

Asked for how he felt about his wife losing a ring that probably cost him tens of thousands of dollars, Donnie Wahlberg responded, “I had sex with a pair of giant tits. It served its purpose.”

Photo: AKM-GSI, INFphoto, Splash News

Jonathan Dwyer Is Today’s Woman And Child-Beating NFL Player

September 18th, 2014 // 58 Comments
Jonathan Dwyer Arizona Cardinals
Whoop Dem Kids
Reggie Bush Daughter
Reggie Bush 'Harshly' Disciplines His 1-Yr-Old Read More »

The NFL had just finished sweeping Adrian Peterson under the rug yesterday when barely a few hours later Jonathan Dwyer was arrested for allegedly assaulting his wife (twice) and 18-month-old son because it was only a matter of time before Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson formed their own fucked-up Voltron. TMZ Sports reports:

According to police, the 25-year-old allegedly roughed up his wife at their home in Phoenix on July 21st and again on July 22nd.
Shortly after the incidents, cops say, Dwyer’s wife left the state with their child.
Cops list 2 victims — a 27-year-old female (his wife) and their 18-month-old child.

Amazingly, the Cardinals immediately suspended him instead of waiting for pressure from corporate sponsors who have to be going, “Goddammit, AGAIN?!” by now. That said, let’s make sure we still have a rational dialog about this because football is serious business. Okay, so we all agree beating his wife is wrong (provided there’s video), but was the one-year-old perhaps in need of a whooping? Because we should probably take that into consideration before condemning a grown 25-year-old professional athlete for physically assaulting an infant. Hitting an adult is one thing which is why we have crimes against it, but don’t nobody tell no one how to raise their kids. All clear? Good. Now let’s move on to Stat Man which is what I’m calling this special brand of commenter that popped in our threads under the name “teddy r” while someone by the name of “GMAN” made essentially the same bullshit argument on TMZ’s Dwyer story: More »

Good Morning, Nikki Lund, And Other News

September 18th, 2014 // 8 Comments

- George Clooney only has nine days left to say “Psyche!” [Lainey Gossip]

- Beyonce will Photoshop the lip syncing in later. [Dlisted]

- It’s Yoga Pants Season [theCHIVE]

- Alanis Morisette is blonde now. [Fishwrapper]

- Having trouble going into labor? Batman a purse snatcher. [The Frisky]

- CBS pulled “Run This Town” because they never had the rights to it in the first place. [WWTDD]

- What’s up, Samantha Basalari? [Popoholic]

- Kim Zolciak wants you to see her new plastic surgery. [tooFab]

- Kanye has his wife doing PR for him now. [IDLYITW]

- Goddamn, Alyssa Barbara. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Kerry Washington looks thrilled to stop domestic violence. [Celebslam]

- Sara Malakul still has awesome big breasts. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: FameFlynet

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