Adrian Peterson’s Nike Contract Is Suspended

September 17th, 2014 // 1 Comment
Adrian Peterson

Because if everyone works fast enough, the NFL can sweep this all up by Thursday night, Nike has suspended Adrian Peterson‘s contract, according to ESPN’s Darren Rovell:

“Nike in no way condones child abuse or domestic violence of any kind and has shared our concerns with the NFL. We have suspended our contract with Adrian Peterson.”

In response, Adrian Peterson tweeted, “This is ALL Part of God’s Plan to turn Me Into Something even Stronger than a Diamond! Like a LASER BEAM! #WhoopDemKids #PraiseJesus”

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Photo: Getty

Beyonce Has The Photoshop

September 17th, 2014 // 2 Comments
Didn't We Just Do This?
Beyonce Butt Jay Z On The Run Tour Opening Night
Now They're Faking A Pregnancy Read More »

Joan Rivers‘s death might have exposed the fatal danger of selfies in the medical field, and large swaths of America still thinks it’s acceptable to beat children with wooden objects, but let’s take a moment for the very serious issue of whether or not Beyonce is Photoshopping herself again. After posting a new bikini picture to her website, her fans couldn’t help but notice the unusual shape of her thigh gap (look at the stairs) and proceeded to lose their shit because Beyonce is a pillar of truth and honesty who’s never tried to hide how she really looks before. How could she do this to them? Is it because of the Illuminati? Tell them it’s because of the Illuminati, and they’ll stop thinking about the whole thing. And if you can’t say it out loud, fake a divorce if it’s yes. A pregnancy if it’s no. Bey-hive, set your decoder rings!

Photo: Beyonce

Joan Rivers’ Doctor Took A Selfie During The Biopsy That Killed Her

September 17th, 2014 // 14 Comments
Joan Rivers
No Fucks Given
Joan Rivers
Joan Rivers (1933-2014) Read More »

When Joan Rivers died, the clinic where her heart stopped received an assload of backlash which apparently it should have because not only was a biopsy performed without her consent, but the doctor performing it took a selfie in the middle of it. I warned people that shit would start killing people, but nooo, look how good your face looks if you hold the phone down by the steering wheel. CNN reports:

The cardiac arrest leading to Joan Rivers’ death happened as the comedian’s personal doctor began performing a biopsy on her vocal cords, a source close to the death investigation told CNN.
A staff member at Manhattan’s Yorkville Endoscopy clinic told investigators that the doctor, who has not been publicly identified, took a selfie photo in the procedure room while Rivers was under anesthesia, the source said.
Rivers, 81, was at the clinic for a scheduled endoscopy by another doctor, gastroenterologist Dr. Lawrence Cohen. That procedure, intended to help diagnose her hoarse voice and sore throat, involved the insertion of a camera down her throat.
After Cohen, the clinic’s medical director, finished his work, a biopsy was done on Rivers without her prior consent, according to the source.

According to investigators, it was during the biopsy when Joan’s vocal chords began to swell cutting off oxygen to her lungs, so hopefully the doctor got a good shot of that happening while trying to decide if he should raise just one of his eyebrows or maybe do like a grin while pointing back to Joan with his thumb. But, first, could someone find out what all that beeping is? It’s interrupting all this handsome.

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Photo: Getty

Adrian Peterson Suspended From Minnesota Vikings Indefinitely

September 17th, 2014 // 40 Comments
Adrian Peterson
He Whooped Another One
Adrian Peterson Michael Vick
Daddy Got Big Heart Though Read More »

The Minnesota Vikings thought they could squeeze Adrian Peterson into at least one game and score a win this Sunday before they’d be forced to cut him from the team in because some hippie-dippie types don’t understand good old fashioned southern whooppings and the intrinsic value of beating kids so they turn into violent, hulking masses of muscles. But then suddenly the Vikings had a change of heart and realized children are our most precious gift which I’m sure has nothing do with Anheuser-Busch warning the NFL to get its shit together. This is about the kids. Via Deadspin:

This has been an ongoing and deliberate process since last Friday’s news. In conversations with the NFL over the last two days, the Vikings advised the League of the team’s decision to revisit the situation regarding Adrian Peterson. In response, the League informed the team of the option to place Adrian on the Exempt/Commissioner’s Permission list, which will require that Adrian remain away from all team activities while allowing him to take care of his personal situation until the legal proceedings are resolved. After giving the situation additional thought, we have decided this is the appropriate course of action for the organization and for Adrian.

In response, Adrian Peterson tweeted another spiritual affirmation because Christianity seems to be the shield of choice for shitheads lately: More »

Good Morning, Ana Braga, And Other News

September 17th, 2014 // 6 Comments

- Here’s Beyonce drinking champagne, everyone who bought the pregnancy rumors. [Lainey Gossip]

- Ariana Grande hopes all her fans “fucking die.” [Dlisted]

- Booty Shorts Have My Attention [theCHIVE]

- Adrienne Baillon is still shitting on the Kardashians. [Fishwrapper]

- Yes, let’s ask Miss America pageant contestants about Ray Rice. This should go well. [The Frisky]

- Robin Thicke sucks at everything. [WWTDD]

- Meet your new Intenret master. [Death and Taxes]

- What’s up, Jennifer Lamiraqui? [Popoholic]

- Haley Joel Osment explains why he looks like a fat little Nazi. [tooFab]

- Anastasia Ashley does Maxim. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Lara Stone in panties, anyone? [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Pacific Coast News

The Crap We Missed – Tuesday 9.16.14

September 16th, 2014 // 314 Comments

Welcome to Tuesday’s The Crap We Missed where we ask the impossible question “Who’s creepier, Jessica Simpson or yesterday’s Mitch Winehouse?” And the answer of course is Terry Richardson, because no sane person would actually suggest out loud the idea of stuffing Jared Leto‘s freakish genitals into a fanny pack. They’d just Skype about it every morning, suggest going to Halloween parties dressed up as it, and maybe pitch a spinoff blog to their parent company called My So Called Praetorian Helmet Sized Dick I mean, seriously, that guy’s a lunatic.

*hears Fish yelling “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!” from bathroom for tenth time today*

- Photo Boy

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Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Splash News

Martha Stewart Is Cutting Bitches

September 16th, 2014 // 10 Comments

Martha Stewart has a drone, so right off the bat, you don’t fuck with that. She’s also done time, so before you think you can just waltz into her territory with your macrobiotic cranberry sauce and free-range giblet gravy served in authentic ancient Mayan finger bowls, know that vengeance is best served with a nice savory quiche and a side-eye reduction sauce. Page Six reports:

Martha Stewart says Goop founder Gwyneth Paltrow should shut up and stick to acting.
She just needs to be quiet. She’s a movie star. If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn’t be trying to be Martha Stewart,” the domestic doyenne snipped to Net-a-Porter’s Porter magazine.
And, after Blake Lively started her own lifestyle site, Preserve, Stewart admits the “Gossip Girl” star had come to her for advice — but sidesteps making a judgment and leaves it to her senior vice president, Kevin Sharkey, who says of Lively: “I don’t get the sense she’s credible. She’s enthusiastic, but she’s not credible.”

Keep in mind, Martha Stewart personally planned Blake Lively’s wedding, yet still went, “I can’t be connected to this one,” and handed the gun to a lackey to deal with an encroachment on her turf. The writer who slipped that part in is probably dead now. Or not getting a lovely, handmade Christmas card, but Martha doesn’t seem the type to go nuclear. She’s too careful, too calculated…

Photo: Getty

Ryan Gosling And Some Whore You Hate Just Had A Baby Girl

September 16th, 2014 // 10 Comments
Ryan Gosling

Congratulations, a wax statue gets laid more than all of us now.

Ryan Gosling was totally going to marry you, but then Eva Mendes threw her slut pussy onto his erect penis while he was trying to send you a romantic dick pic. – WHORE! – So now Us Weekly reports they’re the stupid parents of a stupid baby girl even though you already decorated the nursery for the one you were going to have with Ryan and name Felicity Cherish Hope Harlow Harper Bean. In fact, if you get right down to it, Eva Mendes basically gave you an abortion. You vote pro-life! How could she?!

Photo: Getty

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