The Most Important People on The Internet:
Volume 3.16

May 18th, 2013 // 6 Comments

Welcome to this week’s installment of The Most Important People on The Internet our Saturday wrap-up of all the horrible shit you crazy kids say in the comments. Granted nothing can and probably never will compare to last week’s epic review of Farrah Abraham‘s porno by McFeely Smackup, we’ve actually got one of the best collections we’ve had in a while. Then again, that could just be my natural bias to anything involving Christopher Lambert who has no rival. No man can be his equal.

Take me to the future of your dick jooooooookes!

- The Superficial

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Photo: Splash News

The Crap We Missed – Friday 5.17.13

May 17th, 2013 // 215 Comments

Welcome to Friday’s The Crap We Missed where we take a ton of paparazzi celebrity coverage and water it all down to the douchiest of canoes for you to point and laugh at. So today’s ego boosters include John Goodman cropdusting the loading zone at LAX, Justin Bieber and his boys on a Tic-Tac run like some straight up thugs, and Anthony Hopkins wearing snakeskin shoes to the American Idol finale, to which I was all like “WTF?!” until I remembered The Wolfman, so, nevermind this totally checks out.

Anyone want to tell Keith Richards that pole’s not actually Mick Jagger? Nah, forget it, he seems like he’s really enjoying himself,

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Photo: Bauer-Griffin, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INF Daily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN

A (Deferred) Word On Why Chrissy Teigen Was Exactly Right About Farrah Abraham

May 17th, 2013 // 29 Comments
This Is A Whore
Farrah Abraham Porn Star
This Is A Whore On Drugs. Any Questions? Read More »

In response to reading that Farrah Abraham was pretending she got pregnant by James Deen while filming her professional pornographic movie that she tried to lie and say was a leaked sex tape, swimsuit model Chrissy Teigen tweeted this:

farrah abraham now thinks she is pregnant from her sex tape. in other news you’re a whore and everyone hates you whoops not other news sorry

Surprisingly considering the subject matter that they themselves make fun of, this set off the Slut-Shaming Alarm™ over at Jezebel where Tracie Egan Morrissey proceeded to ironically call Chrissy Teigen a slut herself and a stupid swimsuit model for having the audacity to shame a woman’s sexual expression that any sane person would recognize had the right to be shamed to Holy Fucktown and back. In fact, after Jezebel’s slam-piece, Chrissy went on to write a well-written post on her blog attacking the double standards of the terms “man-whore” and “slut” while also pointing out that Farrah is still a giant lying whore. Sometimes a spade is just a spade that tries to squirt its way back on to reality television. Which hasn’t deterred Jezebel because as of this morning, humor police officer Lindy West called Chrissy a “slut-shamey prude monster.” Haha! Modern feminism, you so cray. Anyway, while I wrote about bakeries run by crazy people and Star Trek, my good friend Todd over at IDLYITW wrote exactly everything I was going to write about this subject, so definitely go and check it out. In the meantime, I’ll just politely thank Jezebel for confirming the stereotypes that all women instinctively hate other women and you’ll always find something to bitch about. Susan B. Anthony salutes you.

Photos: Getty

Kim Kardashian Thinks She’s Going To Bring The Baby On Tour With Kanye BAHAHAHAHAHA!

May 17th, 2013 // 63 Comments
That Must Be The Problem
Kim Kardashian Cleavage Pregnant Kanye West
Kim Thinks Kanye's Gay Now Read More »

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! TMZ reports:

There are reports Kim felt like Kanye was abandoning her by scheduling a tour for his new album in October — just three months after she’s expected to give birth — but sources close to the touring company tell us, that’s not true … because Kim and the baby are coming along for the ride.
And she’s not messing around either — we’re told the touring company has already been given orders to arrange for cribs and soundproof hotel rooms at every stop.

Yup, I’m sure all that’s happening. She’s probably writing him an email right now that his assistant doesn’t have instructions to print out and give to Kanye for the sole purpose of wiping his mouth after eating a crepe out of a man’s anus. It’ll be a wondrous family affair. In the meantime, enjoy these pics of Kim Kardashian‘s fat pregnant feet wedged into heels that a bunch of you wrote in about telling me to post. And by a bunch of you I mean Quentin Tarantino. (I know it was you, Feeto.)

Photos: INFdaily

So Kai The Hitchhiking Hatchet Hero Allegedly Murdered An Attorney For Allegedly Raping Him

May 17th, 2013 // 22 Comments
Kai Autotune
WATCH: The Autotune You Knew Was Coming
'I'm The Anti-Christ'
Kai Homeless Hatchet Hero
Okay, So Maybe This Should've Been A Red Flag Read More »

Should I really have included the autotune? Probably.

So remember Kai The Homeless Hitchhiking Hero who saved a woman’s life by beating a crazy man who thought he was Jesus in the head with a hatchet? He, uh, he may have taken his love of hatcheting skulls too far. Via Gawker:

Galfy was discovered beaten to death in his Clark, New Jersey, residence on Monday, and today police issued a warrant for [Caleb "Kai" Lawrence] McGillvary’s arrest. The 24-year-old drifter, who says he is not homeless but “home free,” was captured at a Greyhound bus station in Philadelphia.
According to Philadelphia’s NBC 10, authorities believe Galfy picked up McGillvary in Times Square Saturday night before taking him to his house. They also believe the two had a “sexual encounter.”

And by sexual encounter, Kai would have you to believe that was rape because he allegedly posted this to Facebook on Tuesday:

what would you do if you woke up with a groggy head, metallic taste in your mouth, in a strangers house… walked to the mirror and seen come dripping from the side of your face from your mouth, and started wretching, realizing that someone had drugged, raped, and blown their f*ckin load in you? what would you do?

Ha! Just like the day I hired Photo Boy. But, no, seriously, what would I do? Probably re-examine my life and all the choices that led me to this moment starting with eating a fistful of acid and going, “No, man, it’ll be more like home-free.” From there, hope to God the police – I’m sorry, “policy enforcers.” – will believe me and enforce some policies on this dude’s anus. But going on a killing spree works, too, I guess. And in your defense, you were already famous for saying, “Well, I’m the Anti-Christ!” to a man you hit in the head with a hatchet after he said he’s Jesus while trying to run a woman over. Society gave you no choice.

The Superficial Presents The Week in Playmate Instagrams

May 17th, 2013 // 9 Comments

Based on the novel I wrote about Star Trek Into Darkness, you’d just assume this is some sort of nerd site for nerdbombers, but for the record, we also post pics of scantily clad women for you to think sexual thoughts about. I know that sounds unprecedented for the Internet, but it’s just some of the many innovations we’re at the forefront here on The Superficial. Next, a simplified social platform where each transmission is no longer than a text message. “The Every Bullshit Thought That Pops Into Your Mind Matters Machine,” I believe we’ll call it.

Photos: Courtesy of Playboy

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