Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed coming off the heels of a weekend so full of events I hardly know where to begin, except I totally do and it’s with this pic of Drake on the set of the Anchorman sequel, which seems to have a cameo by fucking everybody and is starting to fill me with a combination of dread and rage that I haven’t felt since after my first performance appraisal in Fish’s hot tub. Then, there’s Casey Affleck & Rooney Mara about to be murdered by time traveling Casey Affleck from the not-too-distant apocalyptic future, Wilmer Valderrama cracking everyone up with yo mama jokes, Tiger Woods finding a famous buddy who’s more sexually repugnant than himself and finally, “Yes, oh God, please,” answered Gary Busey when asked “Anyone want to poke this dead guy with a stick?”
You’re goddamn right I started and ended this thing with Jennifer Lawrence,
- Photo Boy
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Photo: Bauer-Griffin, Fame/Flynet, INF Daily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN
Here’s the rest of The 2013 Billboards Music Awards which you’ll probably notice is nothing but Jennifer Lopez, Selena Gomez, Jenny McCarthy‘s breasts and Madonna‘s unholy war on pants. On that note, if you’re wondering why there are way more performance shots of Jennifer Lopez than Selena Gomez, that’s because Selena didn’t jump around the stage looking like Roja, Big Bird’s Latina cousin with the big ass.
After spending the morning equating Ke$ha‘s face with terrorism, making light of body issues and generally violating a woman’s privacy, the least I can do is put on my sensitivity hat for a minute and acknowledge that once you ignore every single thing that defines her as a human being, Taylor Swift is not only sexually attractive, but was easily the hottest chick at last night’s Billboard Music Awards. I feel like I lost my edge just typing all that, but sometimes I’m a delicate ocean of emotion in a sea of flowers. Get lost in my waves!
A few weeks ago, Christina Aguilera arrived at The Time 100 Gala looking surprisingly thinner for someone who couldn’t shut up about how comfortable she was in her skin and how her boyfriend couldn’t get enough of it. (Although, in her defense, neither could secretaries of state.) Anyway, here she is at the Billboard Music Awards where I may have freaked out and thought her breasts got smaller from the weight loss until I figured out it was just the dress. So just out of curiosity, how pissed would somebody be if a crate full of ribs showed up at their house while they’re on a diet? — Call Jessica Simpson to intercept? On it.
Back in April, Gwyneth Paltrow showed up to the premiere of Iron Man 3 in an insane side-butt outfit that made everyone talk about Gwyneth Paltrow because, cuntery aside, she is an attractive woman in remarkable shape. Ke$ha, on the other hand, tried to pull off a similar look at the Billboard Music Awards and all everyone talked about were the two men with pressure cookers in their backpacks going, “Well, this just seems pointless now.”
Photos: Getty, Splash News
I thought we could take a break from the Billboard Music Awards for a second and get back to what this site’s good at: Not knowing what the hell a vagina looks like. So here’s Amy Adams on the set of American Hustle flashing something near the area where I’m told they’re kept. Unless I’m looking at this map wrong. *holds medallion up to lighthouse* Where are you, One-Eyed Wil- vagina. I’m looking for vagina.
Photos: Splash News