Sony Cancelled ‘The Interview’ Because of North Korea or Something

December 18th, 2014 // 6 Comments
The Interview James Franco Seth Rogen
'Spoiled Brat'
Angelina Jolie New Boobs Jack OConnell 18th Annual Hollywood Film Awards
The Sony Leaked Emails Have Some Shit To Say Read More »

If you somehow haven’t heard by now, Sony Pictures cancelled The Interview, an upcoming comedy where James Franco and Seth Rogen assassinate Kim Jong-un, after a bunch of hackers called the “Guardians of The Galaxy” or some bullshit said the words 9/11 which naturally caused every theater chain in America to shit their pants without once considering the capability of orchestrating a nation-wide attack on every cinema across the country. Plus it’s not like these fuckers could get easy access to firearms. What kind of insane asylum would that be? Anyway, with nobody willing to show the film, and our own government now saying North Korea is “centrally involved” with the hacks, Sony had no choice but to back out (Of theaters. Not putting it OnDemand is some wiener shit.), and basically set a horrible precedent going forward that probably still won’t stop another Transformers movie, so it’s even worse than we thought. On top of that, now I have to read fat, white shitheads on social media saying we should go to war over a fucking movie instead of reading their blanket support of torture in between pro-life Bible quotes. Which is really the only part I care about because it’s affecting me on a personal level. Why are you making me read the dumb I don’t want to read when I just want that other dumb? Anyway, I honestly don’t have much else to say about this horseshit, so here’s a great Vice interview with cyber security expert Peter W. Singer which is definitely worth a read and contained this money quote:

It is mind-boggling to me, particularly when you compare it to real things that have actually happened. Someone killed 12 people and shot another 70 people at the opening night of Batman: The Dark Knight [Rises]. They kept that movie in the theaters. You issue an anonymous cyber threat that you do not have the capability to carry out? We pulled a movie from 18,000 theaters.

And to cap things off, here’s the scene from The Interview where Kim Jong-un gets his head blown off because I’m basically daring someone to secretly turn my webcam on and broadcast me masturbating to the Internet. So when that happens, just know that it is definitely porn on my screen, and I have no idea where the Care Bears theme song is coming from. They added that in, those terrorists bastards. AMERICA!

Kim Jong-un’s Head Exploding After The Jump

Good Morning, Colleen Shannon, And Other News

December 18th, 2014 // 5 Comments

- Selena Gomez came down with the drama in front of Beyonce. Girlfriennnddd… [Lainey Gossip]

- Nicki Minaj is going to blow up dickheads. [Fishwrapper]

- The time Alex Trebek almost quit Jeopardy because he was asked to have feelings. [Dlisted]

- Wake Up With Jennifer [theCHIVE]

- Pat Robertson thinks gay people will go extinct because they can’t reproduce. [The Frisky]

- When did Rachel Bilson get breasts? [WWTDD]

- How to react to catching your husband fucking your twin. [Death and Taxes]

- Miranda Kerr in lingerie, anyone? [Popoholic]

- Alyssa Barbara still has huge awesome breasts. [Hollywood Tuna]

- How do I get Nina Agdal under my Christmas tree? Without Cosbying her. No Cosbying. [COED]

- Porn Stars reading “How The Grinch Stole Christmas.” [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Fame/Flynet

The Crap We Missed – Wednesday 12.17.14

December 17th, 2014 // 209 Comments

Welcome to Wednesday’s The Crap We Missed which you will notice is getting lighter and lighter as we get forcibly dragged deeper into the holday hole. (No Collins.) But we still have some good shit for you, like Cuba Gooding Jr. going full Tom Cruise-on-Oprah, what I’m pretty sure is the first TCWM appearance of NeNe Leakes, and Simon Cowell about to find out if high quality hair plugs are any match for the strength of a spider monkey.

Did I include a bullshit Final Five in here for filler? *shoves henchman, slides down escalator rails, bolts through kitchen exit*

- Photo Boy

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Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Splash News

Bertney & The Amazing Computer Magicked Bikini

December 17th, 2014 // 16 Comments

Bertney And The Amazing Computer Magicked Berkini Belly
A Positive Reinforcement Reader

It was a very special day for Bertney. She was at the courthouse seeing the nice old judge who always had the best news to tell Papa.
“Well, Mr. Spears,” the judge said from his very tall wooden seat. “After watching the surveillance footage you so generously provided, I shudder to think what would happen if Ms. Spears were permitted to make decisions for herself. She’s yours for another year!” And with that he banged his tiny little hammer, and Bertney clapped and giggled. It was her favorite part.
“Does that mean we get to live together forever?” Bertney asked Papa excitedly.
“Yes, it does,” Papa said with a very tired smile. Bertney wondered if he was getting enough sleep. “Now, let’s get you ready for your swimsuit pictures. We’re already running behind.” More »

A Paris Hilton Panty Flash Post? Why Not?

December 17th, 2014 // 24 Comments

In case you can’t tell we’re circling the holiday toilet for news, I already wrote about Lindsay Lohan today, and now here’s Paris Hilton flashing her panties because it’s 2006 again. (To top it off, this is me punting my way to a Bertney post to complete the trifecta.) You’ll also notice Paris has a wet spot on her ass, but before someone suggests it’s some sort of sexual discharge, the fabric is still intact, so take your sloppy science to Natural News. You don’t bring that shit in my house.

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Photos: Xposure/Vantagenews/AKM-GSI

Bill Cosby’s Daughter Thinks Rape Accusers Should Go To Jail. Yup.

December 17th, 2014 // 49 Comments
Evin Cosby
Never Go Full Dottie
Camille Cosby
Camille Cosby: 'My Husband Is The Real Victim' Read More »

Now that we’ve seen two videos of dancing breasts (here and here), let’s find out what stupid shit Bill Cosby‘s defenders are saying today. This time around it’s his daughter Evin Cosby who has been increasingly using her Facebook page to support her father and in the past 24 hours has ramped up it to the point where she’s saying his accusers should be in prison. Via Mediaite:

Rape is a serious allegation and it is suppose to be taken VERY seriously but so is Falsely accusing someone. When someone rapes a person they go to prison. THAT should also happen to the person that has wrongfully accused an innocent victim.They are not ONLY destroying innocent people’s life they are ALSO making it hard for the MEN and Women to find justice when they have been raped.

As for what prompted Evin to start lashing out on Facebook, Beverly Johnson‘s interview on The View which she had some shit to say about: More »

And Now Here’s Lindsay Lohan’s Sad Video

December 17th, 2014 // 24 Comments
Lindsay Lohan Topless Nude Love
WATCH: Lindsay Lohan - LOVE Advent Day 17

While Emily Ratajkowski’s LOVE Advent 2014 video awakened me on a spiritual and emotional level by making me realize that, yes, I absolutely would have a threeway with a panda, Lindsay Lohan‘s is a sad, depressing look at the futility of life. Her breasts were so big, and yet everything about her is fucked beyond repair. What hope is there for the rest of us? *listens to Photo Boy whisper in his ear* Don’t get addicted to coke? Really? That’s it? Fascinating. False alarm, everybody!

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Emily Ratajkowski Made One of Those Sexy Dancing Videos, Too

December 17th, 2014 // 17 Comments

Here’s Emily Ratajkowski‘s video for LOVE Magazine’s Advent 2014 which involves her dancing braless in a loose tanktop while tugging on her panties, so there’s literally no reason for you to have read any of this. In fact, the only person who should be reading this is an automated alien archivist from the future as it sifts through the remains of our planet, so this next part is especially not for you idiots: I know the location of the Paradox Stone. Reanimate my body and make me your king! *crosses fingers*

Emily Ratajkowski Dancing For LOVE After The Jump

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