Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed, brought to you by Saddle Up, the new buddy chick flick by the producers of Bridesmaids, starring Sarah Jessica Parker and Katherine Heigl. We’ve also got Joe Jonas in the bravest performance of his career, Prince Harry showing Kate Middleton how many of her friends have cellphone pics of his dick, and Mick Jagger staring into the void, probably pondering his contribution to rock music and his life’s legacy. Or sex with models.
Yeah, I’m going with sex with models.
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Photo: Bauer-Griffin, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN
When we last left fashion designer Roberto Cavalli, he was playing the odds exactly right by hitting on Elin Nordegren, and I’ll never understand how that didn’t work out. Fortunately, Roberto is a self-made man who builds from the ashes of his failures, if building from the ashes of your failures means making a model in her 20s spray your dick with a garden hose. I’ll probably be shitting myself in a nursing home at 80, so this is like watching a fairy tale come to life. That oddly stares back. While touching itself. I don’t like this post anymore.
Here’s the first trailer for The Wolf of Wall Street starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Jonah Hill, the first actor to ever transition from comedy to drama so stop calling him an angry fucking kid, alright? God. It also features dwarf-tossing which I felt was gratuitous, and one of my life’s ambitions is to carry Peter Dinklage in a Bjorn so he can slap everyone I hate. However, I will accept Margot Robbie in lingerie and Matthew McConaughey doing weird shit as an excuse to Redbox this. My $1.50 needs to be finessed.
Based on my limited knowledge of a movie I’ll never watch because here are Kate Upton‘s breasts for free, The Other Woman is about Cameron Diaz finding out her boyfriend is married AND banging Kate Upton behind his wife Leslie Mann‘s back. Eventually the girls team up, and we’re supposed to feel sorry for Cameron not being enough for this guy even though she’s standing right next to Kate Upton in a bikini. Which is ridiculous because even if Cameron Diaz’s character is a Supreme Court justice, the most hardened feminist in the world would not only understand this dude banging Kate Upton, but also hope he got paid more to do it because he doesn’t get all emotional on his period. (Tell me I overvalue the power of breasts. I dare you.)
Photos: Pacific Coast News
Justin Bieber was granted unprecedented access to the Jackson family presumably per Michael’s last dying words. “Make sure my ghost.. cough cough shamone! … can look at his penis…” Except now Paris Jackson hates the man Justin Bieber’s become and not just because her father died from spending his whole life trying to be white and Justin Bieber’s just throwing it away. TMZ reports:
Sources connected to the family tell TMZ … Paris — who is currently at UCLA Medical Center after cutting herself with a knife and downing 20 Motrin — thinks Justin is a terrible role model for young girls. She was enraged after some of Justin’s female fans started tweeting about cutting themselves as an expression of love for the singer and he went radio silent, rather than talking the girls out of it.
We’re told Paris got very angry after seeing the pics TMZ posted of Justin smoking weed in a hotel room in early January. She thinks he owes his fans more as a role model.
Paris — who lives in Justin’s Calabasas gated community — thinks Justin’s various missteps in the hood are “a disgrace.”
Ironically, Justin Bieber spent most of 2012 telling everyone he’s going to be the next Michael Jackson, but seems to have backed off those claims recently, so just assume his crew got tired of driving by playgrounds. Plus it’s hard to look street when your boy won’t go down the twisty slide. “I said don’t push me, mothafucka! I’ll go when I’m ready.”
Photos: Splash News
So I was about to ask who the hell goes to a pool party hosted by a Teen Mom star turned professional anal squirter, but then I looked at the pics and noticed it’s nobody unless you count the additional porn stars Vivid paid to be there and Terry from True Blood playing a saxophone which I’m almost positive I hallucinated. Anyone can rent porn stars, but some dude randomly wailing sax solos? That’s something you earn.
Photos: Fame/Flynet, INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN