Incontinence got you down?
When I found out Zac Efron and Nicole Kidman were starring in a movie called The Paperboy, I honestly just assumed it was an adaptation of the classic arcade game because Hollywood is straight the fuck out of ideas. Turns out it’s actually some sort of murder-mystery dealie set in the sixties where – SPOILER ALERT – Nicole Kidman pees all over Zac Efron’s chest to cement their love. No, really. Vulture reports:
Later in the movie, as Efron’s romantic ardor for Kidman is at its peak, the two head to the beach, where he decides to cool down with a dip in the ocean. Naturally, he is attacked by CG jellyfish. (Only the sixteenth weirdest thing to happen in this movie.) Covered in sting marks, he barely manages to drag himself to shore, and when Kidman is alerted to the attack by some comely girls who surround Efron, she pushes them away, pops a squat, and out comes number-one. And yes, you get a close-up of the stream. This is a movie that often seems to be missing important transitional scenes or specific inserts, but you had better believe that when Nicole Kidman pees on Zac Efron, that camera is there.
So remember a while back when Zac Efron dropped a condom on the red carpet of a kids movie premiere to supposedly seduce Nicole Kidman? I totally believe it now. In fact, I’m almost positive his letters to her went exactly like this:
Dearest Nicole,
Ever since that sixth take when your long, pale, sinewy legs squatted above my chest and a PA off-camera squeezed fake urine out of a tube tucked into your underwear because you’re incapable of producing moisture of any kind, why I knew just then I had to have you. Which is why, with my heart on my sleeve and caution in the wind, I decided to let that condom fall in front of those children because, by God, if this is a world where a man can’t let a woman know he has a large penis, why are people even having kids in the first place? It just seems cruel.
Longing for you,
Z-Dawg
Photos: Getty, Splash News, WENN
