The Most Important People on The Internet:
Volume 4.28

October 25th, 2014 // 5 Comments

Welcome to this week’s installment of The Most Important People on The Internet, and surprise, they’re all about Renee Zellweger‘s face. Okay, maybe not every single one is about her face, but they just as easily could’ve been, there were that many to choose from. So dig in, and if you think whatever Renee Zellweger did to herself is “brave and beautiful,” here’s someone who’s actually brave which is a term I prefer not to use on a Hollywood actress who got plastic surgery and then expects a pat on the back for aging gracefully. (I’m a little salty this morning. Wanna fight about it?)

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Mama June’s Pedophile Boyfriend Molested Her Daughter Chickadee

October 24th, 2014 // 35 Comments
Chickadee Anna Shannon Cardwell
Honey Boo Boo Cancelled
Honey Boo Boo Kardashians
Reality TV Producers Have Morals. Who Knew? Read More »

And here comes the dark, disturbing ending everyone knew was coming. Mama June Shannon‘s daughter Anna Cardwell – Chickadee to fans of the show – has come forward and not only identified herself as the 8-year-old victim Mark McDaniel forced to perform oral sex, but shot down Mama June’s bullshit video denying she’s back together with him. TMZ reports:

Sources tell TMZ … Anna Cardwell — who is now 20 and married with a child — believed her mom earlier today that she was not dating the man who molested her. But we’re told Anna has now received a lot more info, and is now convinced June betrayed her by seeing McDaniel again.
Anna — known on the show as Chickadee — wants it known she’s the victim because it makes what her mom is doing all the more egregious. We’re told Anna feels her relationship with her mom has been destroyed, and the only way June can see her granddaughter is if McDaniel is nowhere to be seen.

Jesus fucking Christ. Your own daughter! Let me repeat that, YOUR OWN DAUGHTER. A daughter who just mustered up an unfathomable amount of bravery and courage to come forward and tell her story to protect her little sister from a degenerate who, thanks to your selfishness, has her directly in his crosshairs. I don’t know if your backwoods town even has child protective services, or if it’s just a goat with a shotgun tied around its neck, but someone needs to step in and take your kids away because you’ve failed. You’ve failed in literally the worst way possible. A man raped your daughter at eight-years-old and you brought him back around while you have another eight-year-old in the house. You chose that over being “alone” because apparently your kids don’t count, and then you have the nerve to go on Facebook and say you’d never put them in danger. THERE’S A PEDOPHILE WHO ALREADY RAPED ONE DAUGHTER IN YOUR HOUSE. There’s not going to be some aw shucks redneck quip that will ever make that right, so don’t even make the Boo Boo Child try and say one. You Hutts are clever, but not this time.

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The Crap We Missed – Friday 10.24.14

October 24th, 2014 // 431 Comments

Welcome to Friday’s The Crap We Missed which has Scout, Tallulah, and Rumer, so it’s got more Willis than a Chinese phone book if I’m reading this 101 Catskills Jokes book correctly. Was that racist? If not, then the immediate thought of Captain Black Sparrow popping in my head when at the sight of this Dennis Rodman pic sure is and I don’t know how to feel about that. Quick, everyone look at Nicki Minaj‘s huge fake breasts! They’re black and they arouse me!

I’ve dug myself into an inescapable hole here, haven’t I?

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Taylor Swift’s Camel Toe: Ain’t Nothing Controversial About That

October 24th, 2014 // 11 Comments

It’s been a hell of a day full of child molesters, death treats over gun control, 12-year-olds getting implants, and more child molesters, so here’s Taylor Swift‘s camel toe which is about as plain, vanilla, and non-controversial as it gets. You could show it to people with anxiety and it’d put them right to sleep, that’s how calm and soothing it is. Like a lighthouse calling ships to shore. (Vaginas have lights, right? — Then how are you supposed to see them in the dark? Who made these things?)

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Photos: Fame/Flynet, Galo Ramirez/AKM-GSI, Splash News

Stephen Collins To Faye Grant: ‘Now I Can’t Make Money Anymore. FACE.’

October 24th, 2014 // 13 Comments
Stephen Collins
And He Got Away With It
Stephen Collins
The Statute of Limitations, Everybody Read More »

“Aw yeah, totally can’t make money anymore because people think I’m a child molester. SUCK IT!”

Now that Stephen Collins is a complete Hollywood pariah after he allegedly confessed to molesting children during a therapy session secretly recorded by his wife Faye Grant, he and his lawyer thought it’d be clever to point out that she just screwed herself out of half of his future income by trying to bring an alleged pedophile to light. Because that’s what important here: the money. TMZ reports:

Collins’ lawyer filed new legal docs — obtained by TMZ — in which he says the divorce trial between the actor and Faye Grant just got a whole lot easier, because there won’t be a fight over future income.
Collins’ lawyer says, “Faye’s decision to parade that recording … has resulted in Stephen having no income other than investment income and pension income.”

And here’s the part where you break out your violins:

His lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, adds, “Stephen suffers greatly from the pillaring (sic) by the media surrounding Faye’s unlawful recording.”

Notice how nobody’s denying the contents of the recording, but I mean, what kind of bitch does that and gives it to the police? Doesn’t she realize how much money she just lost? Money is precious. You have to protect money. If money isn’t treated with the utmost of care, what does that say about us as a society? I’m literally about to break out in song. ♫ I believe that money is our future, teach it well and let it lead the way… ♫

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Photo: Getty

Ariana Grande Isn’t Getting Implants. I’m Sorry?

October 24th, 2014 // 15 Comments
Ariana's Life Coach Quit
Ariana Grande Nicki Minaj iHeart Radio Music Festival
Now You Know Shit Is Bad Read More »

Apparently there’s a rumor going around that Ariana Grande was getting a boob job to make her boyfriend Big Sean happy despite the fact he dumped his girlfriend Naya Rivera right after she got hers. But Ariana’s reps are denying those reports which seems unnecessary because she’s 12 and everyone knows 12-year-olds can’t get breast implants. Or can they? Actually, don’t answer that. Don’t tell me. I don’t want to know. Hollywood Life reports:

Don’t fret, Arianators! A rep for Ariana told EXCLUSIVELY, the “reports are SO fake!”
Furthermore, a source close to the singer tells us, “She’s so happy with her body as is!”

*props box up with a stick* Okay, now when the guy dating Honey Boo Boo‘s mom shows up, I’ll pull the string and trap him underneath. Or half of my audience if I’m looking at the pageviews from this gallery right. You know what? I should probably rethink this. And disarm that bear trap. Wait, don’t click on the pictures yet! *SNAP!*

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Photos: ELMO NY / MPNC / AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Chrissy Teigen Quits Twitter Thanks To Death Threats From Gun Nuts

October 24th, 2014 // 86 Comments

If the Internet has proven itself to be anything these days, it’s an absolute butthouse of whiny man-children violently threatening women who dare say words about their precious toys. Only this time, it’s not about games for once, but about another beloved toy that totally isn’t dangerous, you guys, but if you say something about it, I’ll drive to your fucking house and shoot you in the face. Which is what happened to Chrissy Teigen after she made some salient points during the Ottawa shooting:

active shooting in Canada, or as we call it in america, wednesday
That’s not a joke. It is a fact.
Sorry you don’t understand that is a knock at america and our issues with gun control. No one is minimizing the Ottawa shooting.
I’m not apologizing. If you take it wrong, that is your fault.

From there, she was inundated with death threats because a gun is just a “tool” — to murder someone with if you don’t like what they’re saying. How else are you going to prove how safe they are? More »

Good Morning, JLo’s Butt, And Other News

October 24th, 2014 // 13 Comments

- What exactly does Kate Middleton do? I’m seriously asking. [Lainey Gossip]

- All the sex scenes in Fifty Shades of Grey had to be reshot. I bet there wasn’t enough pube pulling. [Dlisted]

- Bouncing Breasts GIFs, anyone? [theCHIVE]

- Liberals made Bristol Palin get drunk and start a fight or something. [Fishwrapper]

- Unless the Joey Potter Dachshund joins Scientology and levitates, no dice. [The Frisky]

- Hel-the-fuck-lo, Denise Schaefer. [Girls In Cute Underwear]

- Jesus Christ, there’s already ANOTHER hot teacher fucking students. It’s been one day. [WWTDD]

- Don’t ask for a selfie with Anderson Cooper while he’s reporting a goddamn shooting, idiot. [Death and Taxes]

- Anne Hathaway still has big breasts. [Popoholic]

- Wait. They replaced Mark Ruffalo as the Hulk already? But I just saw him in the trailer. [tooFab]

- What’s up, Jehane Gigi Paris? [Hollywood Tuna]

- Holy hell, Genevieve Morton. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photo: Fame/Flynet, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

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