Let The War On Christmas Begin!

November 28th, 2014 // 10 Comments
Kirk Cameron Saving Christmas

Last year over the Thanksgiving holiday, I wrote a giant ass review of Sarah Palin’s Good Tidings And Great Joy, her bullshit book on the bullshit War on Christmas. It took me four days and over 20 hours of writing because clearly I am an idiot who hates rest and relaxation. This year, Kirk Cameron has taken the moron reins with his new movie Saving Christmas, and fuck all that, I’m watching MST3K on Netflix and drinking. So here’s Heather Dockray‘s brilliant takedown for FilmDrunk along with links to last year’s Sarah Palin book report (Again, my entire Thanksgiving break, so you’re goddamn right I’m recycling it.) and the GOOP Holiday Gift Guide for those of you looking for gift ideas and are capable of pooping gold bars: More »

‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ Has A Trailer

November 28th, 2014 // 20 Comments
Star Wars The Force Awakens Trailer
WATCH: 'Star Wars: The Force Awakens' Official Teaser

Alright, folks, I didn’t plan on posting much today – *swings battle axe at a soccer mom at Best Buy* – but that was before Disney decided to drop the official teaser for Star Wars: The Force Awakens all over our fat turkey-stuffed faces. – *dodges broadsword, swings from rope to Small Appliances* – So there’s that above, and I’m trying really hard not to squeal with glee over here – *throws dagger at six-year-old reaching for a Skylander* – because I remember downloading The Phantom Menace trailer in Quicktime (Remember Quicktime?) and watching it obsessively because it was the closest thing to naked boobs my 18-year-old mind had ever seen. – *stuffs oily rag into propane tank* – And then Jar Jar Binks happens. – *lights fuse* – That said, you can already feel a different aesthetic here thanks to J.J. Abrams‘ eschewing George Lucas‘ green screen Temple of Doom by actually shooting on location and relying on practical effects whenever possible. Crazy, right? Just don’t let him direct the sequel. – *spins and hurls propane tank into the portable DVD players* – Anyway, enough blabbing out of me. Enjoy the trailer! – *dives into parking lot as building explodes* – Is Target open?

EDIT: As I’m watching this for the 25th time – *fires bazooka into Wal-Mart* – I can’t help but marvel at how a lot of these shots look like Ralph McQuarrie concept art from the original trilogy brought to life because if Super 8 taught us anything, it’s that J.J. Abrams can ape the shit out of that late 70s/early 80s vibe. I’ll stop talking now. – *pulls grenade pin, runs into Yankee Candle* – GIVE ME ALL THE RED APPLE WREATH.

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Bertney’s Turkey Durkey Day!

November 26th, 2014 // 18 Comments

Bertney’s Turkey Durkey Day!
A Guide To Healthy Eating

Bertney loved Thanksgiving.
“It’s a whole day where I give food presents to my mouth!” she excitedly told a can of whipped cream the caterers had given her so she’d leave the kitchen.
“More importantly, Bertney Jean, it’s a day to give a thanks,” Papa said while lifting Bertney out of the hamper she was hiding in. Bertney loved hiding.
“What does ‘thanks’ mean?” Bertney asked as she jumped for the can of whipped cream Papa held just out of reach. Why was he so tall? More »

The Most Important People on The Internet:
Volume 4.31

November 26th, 2014 // 21 Comments

Welcome to another installment of The Most Important People on The Internet our weekly round-up of the horrible shit you people say in the comments which we sat on over the weekend in hopes that you’d fill this bitch up with awesome Bill Cosby captions. And you did not disappoint. Especially Frederick Buddha who was goddamn Shakespeare. Literally. So dig in, and follow me on Tumblr, Facebook and/or Twitter where I’ll probably be firing off some sort of random horseshit over the holiday after I drop a Bertney’s Thanksgiving on you. Don’t touch that dial.

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Good Morning, Kat Torres, And Other News

November 26th, 2014 // 5 Comments

- Eva Mendes will acknowledge some sort of lifeform fell out of her vagina now. [Lainey Gossip]

- Tila Tequila is posting breastfeeding pics already. Where’s the CDC? They need to see this. [Fishwrapper]

- Michael Lohan married Jon Gosselin‘s sloppy seconds. Oh, good. [Dlisted]

- I Dream of Beanie, but mostly the giant breasts beneath it. [theCHIVE]

- Charlie Hunnam shirtless and posing with a dog. You’re welcome, ladies. [The Frisky]

- Jennifer Aniston mocks Kim Kardashian on Ellen. [WWTDD]

- Joni Mitchell: “Fuck no, Taylor Swift can’t play me in a movie.” [Death and Taxes]

- Goddamn, Keke Lindgard. [Popoholic]

- And how you doin’, Daniela Lopez Osorio? [Hollywood Tuna]

- Chelsea Handler is just putting her naked tits on things now. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: FameFlynet

Ela Rose Topless in a Bikini is The Crap I Missed – Tuesday 11.25.14

November 25th, 2014 // 29 Comments

Posted by Photo Boy

It’s been a long day filling in for Fish that contained two rape posts, one of which playfully suggested maybe everyone in Ferguson is knee-jerk crazy and took a swipe at football worship, so I’m going to find a bunker to hide in. But before I go, I wanted to correct the site’s wayward course which has taken us away from fake breasts selling tub water for several hours, so here’s Ela Rose‘s falling out of her soaking wet blouse. Don’t say I never did anything for you, even if that thing was getting you fired.

Click Here To Start The Gallery

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Photo: Fame/Flynet

Everyone’s Throwing Bill Cosby Under The Bus Now

November 25th, 2014 // 66 Comments

Posted by Photo Boy

While rioting has broken out once again in Ferguson, MO after protesters thoughtfully reviewed and found fault with the nearly 5,000 page grand jury report that was released only hours ago and led to the decision not to indict Darren Wilson (Yep, I’m just leaving that there.) [Ed. Note: Dude... - SW], Bill Cosby has seen his own world fall deeper into chaos over the seemingly endless allegations that he drugged and raped over 20 women. More »

Katherine Heigl Used John Mayer’s Penis To Get Engaged

November 25th, 2014 // 23 Comments
Don't Tweet Heigl
Katherine Heigl Duane Reade
Even If She's On A Public Sidewalk In Front Of The Store You Own Read More »

I stand by that headline entirely.

Posted by Photo Boy

John Mayer‘s penis has done all sorts of reckless shit. It went crazy after being in Jessica Simpson and made him say the n-word. It refused to marry Taylor Swift after they did it under the bleachers. It even dumped Katy Perry. The Katy Perry with the huge boobs. But there’s one thing it never did, and that’s put its master within striking distance of Katherine Heigl when she threatened to absorb it into her bitchface if her boyfriend didn’t propose. Via Us Magazine:

“These musicians, they are competitive and jealous of each other,” Heigl teased. “[So] over the phone, because he was on tour, I was like, ‘Josh, I’ve got to be honest. I just want to know where we stand because if not, I might try to pursue something with John.’”

JOHN MAYER’S PENIS: *radio crackle* Mayday, mayday, penis to brain, penis to brain, shut us down now, do you read me?
JOHN MAYER’S BRAIN: *static* Say again. *static*
JMP: We’re surrounded by snaggle teeth. Cannot disengage. Target lock malfunction! DO SOMETHING!!
JMB: Negative. The mission is still a go. Over.
JMP: Fucking bureaucrats! pulls pins on entire grenade belt

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Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Splash News

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