The Crap We Missed – Friday 10.17.14

October 17th, 2014 // 378 Comments

Welcome to Friday’s The Crap We Missed or adrianne+curry+nude and a bunch of other shit that won’t get near that with regards to SEO. Seriously, Google that, then compare it to brett+ratner+shrimp+grease+boner, or shia+labeouf+isis+top+recruiting+tool, or cara+delevigne+ebola. If this site came up in the top five returns for any of that, huge thanks and we value and respect the culture of your beloved Estonia (Honestly, we’re huge there, no clue why.), but the ol’ stars and stripes demand naked famous people.

*salutes flag, crops Coco‘s ass pic FOR AMERICA!

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Kelly Brook Took David McIntosh Back

October 17th, 2014 // 17 Comments

At the end of September, Kelly Brook dumped David McIntosh for cheating on her. Two weeks later, he was already with a new girlfriend, and it wasn’t even the woman he cheated on Kelly with. Which is apparently the key to winning her back because here are the two of them trying to sneak into The Standard yesterday morning, so I hope everyone’s writing this down:

Cheat > Bang entirely separate woman > Make-up sex with giant breasts

Your lives are forever changed now. Go forth!

Photos: Xposure/AKM-GSI

Blake Griffin’s Parting Shot On Donald Sterling

October 17th, 2014 // 11 Comments
Donald Sterling
Literally The Only Soundbite I Took Away From This Interview. Read More »

I’m aware this isn’t Blake Griffin, but goddamnit I love this picture.

Posted by Photo Boy

While Fish was away last year serving a brief stint after being found in Jon Hamm‘s dresser posing as an athletic supporter, I was fortunate enough to single-handedly cover the whole Donald Sterling-is-the-core-of-Satan’s asshole-seriously-the-part-right-where-the-shit-begins-story, which I concluded by applauding his prostate for doing the Lord’s work. Well, it seems the harshest thing Blake Griffin felt the need to share in his piece in The Players’ Tribune was how creepy it was the time Sterling lead him around a party by the fingertips. No, really. Via TMZ:

You know that thing elderly women do where they grab the top of your hand with just their fingers and lead you around? That’s what he was doing. We were in Malibu for his annual White Party, and it was the first time I was meeting him since the Clippers had drafted me in the spring of 2009.

Also, there were hookers, because of course.

“Two blonde models showed up on either side of me. They had clearly been hired for the event. I knew this because they were wearing size XXXX-L Clippers T-shirts tied at the stomach. I looked at Sterling. He had a big dumb grin on his face. I looked at one of the girls, as if to say, “Uhhh, you don’t have to do this.” She looked back: “Uhhh, yes I do.”

He goes on to categorize Sterling as “a weird uncle,” instead of, oh I don’t know, maybe a racist, predatory prick who everyone hated and/or feared but would tolerate because money. I don’t know why Griffin still feels the need to parse words for a man who’s been publicly vilified to the point where even John Grisham wouldn’t stand up for him, but it probably has a lot to do with being a confident, wealthy superstar and not a guy wearing a 16 year-old t-shirt and blogging from a flyover state. *stands on roof, yells “But he’s a racist! Why don’t you people care?!”, looks down at neighbor’s Dale Jr. lawn ornaments, dives headfirst*

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Photo: WENN

This Is A Post About Iggy Azalea’s Camel Toe

October 17th, 2014 // 45 Comments

My last post dealt with such topics as the Antebellum South and rampant plagiarism in Internet journalism, so here’s Iggy Azaela wearing tight booty shorts that show the outline of her vagina which involves none of that stuff unless her vagina somehow owned slaves. Which for the record, I would be open to. It can even call me “Mammy.” Suppa’s ready, Ms. ‘Gina! (This is why I’m alone. All of this right here. Plus comic books.)

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Photos: Fame/Flynet, Pacific Coast News

Blake Lively’s Website Loves Slaveowners, Plagiarism

October 17th, 2014 // 6 Comments
Martha Stewart Gwyneth Paltrow Conscious Coupling
Martha Stewart BURNED Gwyneth Paltrow Read More »

While Martha Stewart has declared all-out war on Gwyneth Paltrow, pretentious, young upstart Blake Lively is successfully torpedoing herself by publishing articles about the Antebellum South that would give Paula Deen a butter boner and then threatening to sue Gawker for epically calling her on it. Which should’ve stopped there, but Lainey Gossip took notice and discovered that Preserve has a bit of a plagiarism problem which then prompted Jezebel to run the entire site through a plagiarism tracker and shit did not go well. As for why I’m telling you all of this, consider it a lesson on what happens when someone who isn’t me knocks you up. Talking to you, Hilary Duff. I know you see me out here. I mean, raccoon! It’s just a raccoon. (Stay out of the shed.)

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Photo: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto

Charlie Sheen Has Decided Not To Marry A Porn Star

October 17th, 2014 // 20 Comments
Did You Say Dentist?
Charlie Sheen Gross Mouth Lindsay Lohan Refused To Kiss
That Can't
Be Right Read More »

The last time I posted about Charlie Sheen he’d “allegedly” tried to stab a dentist with a knife (and maybe grabbed a hygienist’s breasts), but clearly he’s sobered up since then because he finally realized you’re not supposed to marry porn stars. Pay them for sex essentially making them hookers, but never marry them. E! News reports:

“Scotty and I had a great year together as we traveled the world and crossed a lot of things off our bucket list,” Sheen tells E! News in a statement. “She’s a terrific gal—but we’ve mutually decided to go our separate ways and not spend the rest of our lives together.”
He continues, “I’ve decided that my children deserve my focus more than a relationship does right now. I still have a tremendous fondness for Scotty and I wish her all the best.”

In related news, Charlie Sheen’s children were last seen fleeing to Stephen Collins‘ house where they’ll, quote, “take their fucking chances.” Should that not work out, they’ll stay with a couple of coyotes they saw the other day. The pack leader seemed nice.

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John Grisham: ‘Child Porn Is Bad, I Am An Idiot’

October 17th, 2014 // 28 Comments
John Grisham
These Men Are White!
John Grisham
And You Want To Arrest Them?
For Child Porn? Read More »

Yesterday, John Grisham made himself an Internet punching bag by telling British newspaper The Telegraph that our justice system is too harsh on 60-year-old white men who get drunk and accidentally download child porn. A statement that was so stupid even John Grisham heard it and went, “Goddammit, John Grisham,” because here’s his apology:

Anyone who harms a child for profit or pleasure, or who in any way participates in child pornography—online or otherwise—should be punished to the fullest extent of the law.
My comments made two days ago during an interview with the British newspaper The Telegraph were in no way intended to show sympathy for those convicted of sex crimes, especially the sexual molestation of children. I can think of nothing more despicable.
I regret having made these comments, and apologize to all.

John Grisham also told an anecdote about a “friend” who supposedly served three years in prison following a sting by the Royal Canadian Mounties after getting drunk and going to a site that supposedly had “16-year-old girls who looked 30.” More importantly, everything was totally straight because “it wasn’t 10-year-old boys,” you guys, so really, where’s the crime? And while most people assumed this was a hypothetical situation where John Grisham was admitting to getting shit-faced and accidentally pressing the “Child Porn” button on his computer before bed every night, Salon did some digging and may have found the friend he was talking about: More »

Good Morning, Cynthia Escobar, And Other News

October 17th, 2014 // 12 Comments

- Jamie Dornan does British Vogue. [Lainey Gossip]

- Glenn Close apparently grew up in a cult. [Dlisted]

- The End Zone: Professional Football Mascots, Ranked [The Frisky]

- Dane Cook is still a douche. [Fishwrapper]

- Have I mentioned I fucking love this Tumblr? I fucking love this Tumblr. [Girls In Cute Underwear]

- What Better Way To End A Week Than With Squishy Gals? [theCHIVE]

- Sometimes you just have to bang a stuffed horse inside a Walmart. [Death and Taxes]

- Nina Agdal in a bikini. You click now. [Popoholic]

- Jesus Christ, Hailey Baldwin. [tooFab]

- Here Are Some People (and Things) That Look Like Rick Scott [The Daily Banter]

- What’s up, Bonnie Rotten? [Hollywood Tuna]

- Goddamn, Lydia Heart‘s behind-the-scene video. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Splash News

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