Welcome to the Memorial Day Weekend edition of The Most Important People on The Internet which, again, is probably one the best assortments we’ve had in a while, so I’m going to get right out of its way and return to the couch our troops so bravely fought and died for me to lay on.
- The Superficial
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Alright, folks, Photo Boy’s already at the beach, and judging by my sensors, a lot of you are off today or actually doing your job for once so you can get the hell out early. So on that note, we’re off until Tuesday, but look out tomorrow for one of the better Most Important People we’ve had in a while not counting this mother of a gem.
I’ve never heard of this chick before in my life,
- The Superficial
Here’s Amanda Bynes in court this morning where on top of looking like a Muppet prostitute in the blonde wig I’ll just assume she clawed her lawyer to let her keep on, she also spoke and tried to plead her own case by saying the bong she threw out of her apartment window wasn’t really a bong, but just a vase, so that makes everything all better. TMZ reports:
Amanda told the judge the bong cops say she threw out of her apartment window last night was “just a vase.”
Prosecutors requested Bynes be held in lieu of $1,000 bail. The judge instead chose to let her go without bail … but gave her a stern warning that if she missed her court date in July an arrest warrant would be issued.
“Oh, so it was just a vase you dropped out of a 36th floor window onto a busy New York street. You’re free to go, Cousin Itt.” Which is exactly what happened because Amanda Bynes is already out without bail and just has to show up to court again in July. As for how the hell she passed a psych eval, either she isn’t crazy and is just a horrible, horrible bitch, or there’s a psychiatrist somewhere who really wants to see a suicide this weekend.
“Just look at that awful rain. What should we do, honey?”
“Oh, I have plans. Plans to die for. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
(I don’t know why I write this stuff either.)
Photos: Wagner Az/AKM-GSI, Splash News
In case you somehow missed it, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson broke up over the weekend because Twilight‘s over now (Or she’s banging Rupert Sanders again. Choose your own adventure.), so here she is walking into a parking garage yesterday with guns blazing just in case anyone even thinks about asking her where’s SparkleDick. A plan that worked out awesome once you realize I had to pay extra for these, so everyone she flipped off just made more money than had she just got in the car. She taught those pricks.
Kim Kardashian arrived in Paris this week, but according to the Daily Mail, just as soon as she got there Kanye West hopped on a plane to Milan as is his wont. Of course, it probably didn’t help that Kim showed up with cameras to film Keeping Up With The Kardashians which Radar Online reports has become entirely about her pregnancy because she’s super private now. On top of that, she brought Kris Jenner who Kanye fucking hates for selling photos behind his back if you believe this entirely believable report of him flipping out on her backstage during SNL. Via Uproxx:
West apparently learned that his girlfriend and her mother were “secretly selling images of him and Kim, behind his back” and I assume once he told someone, the immediate reaction was, “This is a surprise?” Regardless, this alleged revelation allegedly led to an alleged argument between West and his alleged future mom-in-law, and it was so bad that it would have made Justin Bieber look like the Pope.
“Kanye was an assh*le and he was being very standoffish to everyone there. Lorne Michaels will never invite him back. Backstage Kris Jenner and Kim Kardashian with Kanye and his bodyguards and basically hovering over him while they scream and yell. The whole cast fled out of the way and security had to be called.
Kim was crying and Kris was basically being carried away by security. Chris Rock tried to step in but Kanye just brushed him to the side and was like ‘Man! this is nothing.’ Kris was raving and screaming the whole time and she felt bad for Kim.”
Anytime Kanye West was near Kim Kardashian, he should’ve immediately noticed he couldn’t even quietly fart in a corner without a cameraman going, “Garlic! Kanye ate garlic today!” Then again, the idiot has a ridiculous ego and probably thought these people track his every move like goddamn bloodhounds instead of being tipped off by the vampire cunt grandmother of his unborn child. So I don’t know how somebody managed to spell it out to him, but I bet it required a cartoon of Jay-Z called, “Yeezus Christ, That Bitch Is Selling Your Photos.”
Photos: Splash News
In case you couldn’t tell it’s a Friday before a holiday weekend, here’s The Week in Playmate Instagrams before your second cup of coffee to pretend you didn’t mentally check out three days ago. On that note, special thanks to Photo Boy for slapping this together last night so he could hurry to the beach this morning and soak up all that rainy, low 60s temperature. I drink your misfortune. I drink it up!
Photos: Courtesy of Playboy