Welcome to Tuesday’s The Crap We Missed where we ask the impossible question “Who’s creepier, Jessica Simpson or yesterday’s Mitch Winehouse?” And the answer of course is Terry Richardson, because no sane person would actually suggest out loud the idea of stuffing Jared Leto‘s freakish genitals into a fanny pack. They’d just Skype about it every morning, suggest going to Halloween parties dressed up as it, and maybe pitch a spinoff blog to their parent company called My So Called Praetorian Helmet Sized Dick I mean, seriously, that guy’s a lunatic.
*hears Fish yelling “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!” from bathroom for tenth time today*
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Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Splash News
Martha Stewart has a drone, so right off the bat, you don’t fuck with that. She’s also done time, so before you think you can just waltz into her territory with your macrobiotic cranberry sauce and free-range giblet gravy served in authentic ancient Mayan finger bowls, know that vengeance is best served with a nice savory quiche and a side-eye reduction sauce. Page Six reports:
Martha Stewart says Goop founder Gwyneth Paltrow should shut up and stick to acting.
“She just needs to be quiet. She’s a movie star. If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn’t be trying to be Martha Stewart,” the domestic doyenne snipped to Net-a-Porter’s Porter magazine.
And, after Blake Lively started her own lifestyle site, Preserve, Stewart admits the “Gossip Girl” star had come to her for advice — but sidesteps making a judgment and leaves it to her senior vice president, Kevin Sharkey, who says of Lively: “I don’t get the sense she’s credible. She’s enthusiastic, but she’s not credible.”
Keep in mind, Martha Stewart personally planned Blake Lively’s wedding, yet still went, “I can’t be connected to this one,” and handed the gun to a lackey to deal with an encroachment on her turf. The writer who slipped that part in is probably dead now. Or not getting a lovely, handmade Christmas card, but Martha doesn’t seem the type to go nuclear. She’s too careful, too calculated…
Congratulations, a wax statue gets laid more than all of us now.
Ryan Gosling was totally going to marry you, but then Eva Mendes threw her slut pussy onto his erect penis while he was trying to send you a romantic dick pic. – WHORE! – So now Us Weekly reports they’re the stupid parents of a stupid baby girl even though you already decorated the nursery for the one you were going to have with Ryan and name Felicity Cherish Hope Harlow Harper Bean. In fact, if you get right down to it, Eva Mendes basically gave you an abortion. You vote pro-life! How could she?!
“See, Mike, your mistake was using dogs. Now kids? Kids are where the good whoopin’s at. Not only is that shit legal, but mothafucka’s will actually go on TV and defend your ass.”
“Google Charles Barkley, son.”
Because Adrian Peterson‘s parents understood the value of good, old-fashioned southern whoopings, he not only grew up to become a professional football player, but also a righteous man of God who’s not afraid to spare the rod when it comes to his 800 kids scattered across the country thanks to having unprotected sex with multiple women. Which brings us to June 2013 when one of his baby mamas reported Adrian Peterson to child protective services for striking another four-year-old son while he was in his car seat. The result of the investigation ended up being “unclear,” and his lawyer was quick to toss out a statement yesterday once news outlets started finding out about it. Via Deadspin:
“The allegation of another investigation into Adrian Peterson is simply not true. This is not a new allegation, it’s one that is unsubstantiated and was shopped around to authorities in two states over a year ago and nothing came of it. An adult witness adamantly insists Adrian did nothing inappropriate with his son. There is no ongoing or new investigation.”
Except here are text messages obtained by KHOU Houston that are allegedly between Peterson and the boy’s mother: More »
In a new interview with The Telegraph, Lindsay Lohan claimed she handled Whitney Houston’s body bag during her court-ordered community service at the LA County morgue. Which obviously never happened because Lindsay Lohan said it did, but just for fun, here’s the coroner’s office pointing out how completely full of shit she is:
An official from the Coroner’s Office tells TMZ … Whitney was NEVER in a body bag and no one in the probation program came in contact with Whitney’s body.
Lindsay — who was ordered by a judge to spend time at the morgue to teach her a lesson about drinking and driving — claimed in an interview she was singled out to roll Whitney’s body bag.
In Lindsay Lohan’s defense, she is a cyborg hooker from the future now, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned from cyborg hookers from the future it’s that our definition of reality no longer pertains to them. Also, they can see through any object, so there’s no point in hiding your wallet. Don’t even bother.
Photos: INFphoto, Splash News
In light of the Ray Rice incident, CBS decided to pull “Run This Town” from Thursday Night Football because Rihanna was the victim of domestic violence, so let’s make her feel ashamed to have her music broadcast before the sacred and holy communion of NFL football. Except now they want to play her song this week because how else are they going to get past this Adrian Peterson shit without pretending everything’s fine and acting like nothing happened? Rihanna ain’t having it.
CBS you pulled my song last week, now you wanna slide it back in this Thursday? NO, Fuck you! Y’all are sad for penalizing me for this.
When reached for comment, a spokesperson for CBS responded, “It’s cool. We’ll just play a Michael Jackson song. That won’t remind anyone of child abuse, and we’ll just blow right by this Adrian Peter- I’m sorry, his father did what now? Oh. Oh GOD. *runs screaming down the hall* STOP IT! STOP THE MUSIC! FOOTBALL’S IN DANGER!”
Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, Pacific Coast News, Splash News
Kanye West has found himself in some shit after not once, but twice, demanding everyone at his shows stand up during his performance of “Good Life.” Which seems innocuous until you realize there were handicapped people in the audience who had to literally verify their disability before Kanye would go on. At one point, he actually complained how long it was taking because why rely on statistical probability when you can make your bodyguard embarrass the fuck out of a man in a wheelchair? Except now Kanye’s found out all y’all’s been talking about this shit and stopped another show to let everybody know the media’s got the wrong target. My man’s a Christian, and a true artist who’s not afraid to talk about pictures of his dick, so maybe put a helmet on before you read this. Via The Daily Beast: More »
- Holy shit, Angelina Jolie‘s new boobs are in a tanktop. [Lainey Gossip]
- John Travolta‘s pube beard will talk about those gay allegations now. [Dlisted]
- In case Claudia Romani isn’t enough bikini butt for you, enjoy. [theCHIVE]
- Kylie Jenner is a Kardashian Dirty Bomb waiting to explode. [Fishwrapper]
- There’s a homeless dude picking up women so he has a place to sleep? That’s actually amazing. [The Frisky]
- Nicki Minaj‘s old high school wouldn’t let her “inspire” kids. [WWTDD]
- Snoop Dogg is calling people “fags” on Instagram. Oh, good. [Death and Taxes]
- What’s up, Stella Maxwell? [Popoholic]
- That chick who went from George Clooney to Steve-O got married. [tooFab]
- Rosie Jones jumping on a trampoline. [Hollywood Tuna]
- And Kim Kardashian watching women flash their tits at Kanye. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
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