The Crap We Missed – Tuesday 9.23.14

September 23rd, 2014 // 275 Comments

Welcome to Tuesday’s The Crap We Missed that’s got a ripe Bill & Hilary Clinton photo just primed for a variety of jokes that I know in my heart will only end in you guys focusing on that time he banged a fat chick with a cigar. This is why we’re all friends. Friends that never hang out, or verbally speak to one another, yet find comradery in our effort to stave away the perpetual darkness of adult life with the light of just one dick joke aimed at complete strangers. Complete strangers like Mark Harmon with his thinning hair and yellow teeth. HA! He’s aging in the exact predictable way in which we all are/will some day! Fucking idiot!!

LOOK! DANNY DEVITOS SCRATCHING HIS DICK BECAUSE IT PROBABLY ITCHES EWW GROSS WHO DOES THAT? ZOMG!!1

- Photo Boy

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Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

On Emma Watson And The Shitheads Threatening Her With The Fappening

September 23rd, 2014 // 120 Comments

Let me start out by defining my absolutely questionable relationship with The Fappening, so I look slightly less hypocritical here. For starters, like anyone writing about The Fappening(s) whether to condemn it or go, “Holy shit, boobs!” it’s been a goddamn SEO boon, the lifeblood of any site. We’re all drinking deeply from the same trough no matter how you dress it up. That said, I have never entertained the thought that the celebrities who take nude photos (See? I’m doing it right there.) are “sluts” or “whores” that were asking for it. Except for maybe Kim Kardashian who uses a Blackberry yet somehow ended up being included in an iCloud hack, but I digress. I will, however, admit to being largely indifferent to the cause of “celebrity privacy” and operate under the belief that they willingly traded it to be in the spotlight. Does that mean their phones should be illegally hacked and private photos leaked online? Not at all. Am I not losing sleep over it and viewing it as the toothpaste’s already out of the tube? Yes, but keep in mind, I’m kind of an asshole. And for the record, if this shit happened to men, you’re goddamn wrong if you think I wouldn’t milk the SEO out of their dongs. I’d milk it so hard. Anyway, all of this is becoming moot thanks to a group of 4chan members deciding to wield these hacks like a club to shame Emma Watson for – GASP! – mildly extolling the virtues of feminism. Here are exact words which apparently aren’t for the faint of balls. Via Death and Taxes: More »

Daphne Joy’s In A Bikini

September 23rd, 2014 // 23 Comments

You’re probably wondering how I can just go from a post defending Emma Watson and the virtues of feminism to Daphne Joy bikini photos, and it’s simple, really. I push “Publish,” and then people go, “Good heavens, are those ass and titties?” before clicking on each photo hundreds of thousands of times which somehow makes me money to write whatever bullshit I want. I have no idea how it keeps happening.

This has been another exciting installment of, “At Least I’m Not Dealing Drugs, Mom.”

Photos: Splash News

The Third Boob Is A Lie

September 23rd, 2014 // 24 Comments
Jasmine Tridevil Third Boob
Previously In Fake Breasts
Courtney Stodden Cleavage Doug Hutchison World Of Wonder
What The Hell's Happening Here? Read More »

Like anyone who’s seen Total Recall and a boob, I was captivated by the tale of Jasmine Tridevil, the Florida (natch) woman who allegedly gave herself a third breast in hopes of landing a reality show because the Kardashians are a cancer. Except I have terrible news about this bold new future we’ve finally arrived in. It’s a house of lies. Via Jezebel:

Tridevil lifted her shirt up for all of two seconds, revealing the middle breast—which by the way, doesn’t look like human skin in that light—and not revealing the point at which the purported boob is attached. When the investigative action news reporter asked if she could ” hold it up a little longer so we can get a better shot of it,” she stated that she didn’t feel comfortable with it just yet.

On top of that, The Daily Dot spoke to a plastic surgeon who pointed out that nobody in the field would risk losing their job installing a third tit, but on the off-chance they did, there’s no way in hell it’d look like like a deformed tiny tit between two real ones:

“This technique would create a tight, round breast in the center of the chest,” he said. “Also, all three breasts will likely be connected because it would be impossible to create and maintain separation between all three round structures. The photos show a soft, pendulous breast that is clearly separate from the right and left breast. She essentially has a hanging breast, and it is just not reflective of what we would be able to expect from this reconstruction procedure.”

In related news, millions of men across the Internet are slowly coming to terms with the fact that they’d probably have sex with a woman wearing a fake third tit and wondering what’s wrong with their wives and/or girlfriends for not even putting it on the table. Is it because of the curtains? It’s because of the curtains. Goddammit.

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If Only There Was Some Way To Tell If Lady GaGa Has A New Album Out

September 23rd, 2014 // 8 Comments

If you’re wondering why I put stars over Lady Gaga’s pasties, trust me when I say that from far away – say the exact distance you’re boss would be standing – the fabric of her dress creates a circular effect that looks exactly like a nipple. Which is also why I’m typing five feet away fomar my deskmm withA BROoom> iTs’ goigng we;ll

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Photo: Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Kris & Bruce Jenner Filed For Divorce

September 23rd, 2014 // 23 Comments
Kim Made The Fappening
Kim Kardashian Ass Swimsuit Instagram
All Her Dreams Are Coming True! Read More »

It’s been almost a year since Kris and Bruce Jenner separated, and now it’s time for them to file for divorce because that’s what’s written in the script between Kourtney gets pregnant again and Rob shoots himself next to a bucket of ribs for November sweeps. (Calling it.) People reports:

“They both did it together,” a source close to the family said of the divorce filing. “It’s all done and [there's] no drama or messiness. They worked out all details over the last few months.”
According to court documents obtained by PEOPLE, Kris has requested joint physical and legal custody of Kylie (their only minor child), and that she keep all her jewelry and assets amassed since their separation. She requested all other assets be divided later.

So basically Kris didn’t want to give Bruce a cut of Kim and Kanye’s wedding which makes sense considering she’s the one doing all the pimping. How many rich black guys has Bruce let fuck his daughters? I honestly can’t think of one unless you count playing with his toy helicopter whenever Jaden Smith comes over. I mean, certainly that makes him complicit, but it’s not like he’s the one drilling holes in the walls, installing cameras, and going, “I’m afraid this sex tape station is quite operational…”

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Photo: Getty

Chelsea Heath’s Butt’s Back And Other News

September 23rd, 2014 // 6 Comments

- Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin are starting to be photographed together. [Lainey Gossip]

- Robert Pattinson has a new girlfriend who probably didn’t name her cat Renessmee. [Dlisted]

- What’s Monday Night Without Some NFL Cheerleaders? [theCHIVE]

- Methinks the Beyonce Beyonces too hard. [Fishwrapper]

- Hilary Duff wants a Lizzie McGuire reunion because she’s so smart and has the best ideas. <3 <3 [The Frisky]

- A Three-Titted Lady exists in our reality. The future is finally here! [WWTDD]

- Minka Kelly ate Derek Jeter‘s butthole but is still hot. [Popoholic]

- Jessica Simpson is calling her husband fat now. My how the tables have turned… [tooFab]

- What’s up, Fanny Francois? [Hollywood Tuna]

- Miley Cyrus completely topless. Whee. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Fame/Flynet

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