Adrian Peterson Suspended From Minnesota Vikings Indefinitely

September 17th, 2014 // 22 Comments
Adrian Peterson
He Whooped Another One
Adrian Peterson Michael Vick
Daddy Got Big Heart Though Read More »

The Minnesota Vikings thought they could squeeze Adrian Peterson into at least one game and score a win this Sunday before they’d be forced to cut him from the team in because some hippie-dippie types don’t understand good old fashioned southern whooppings and the intrinsic value of beating kids so they turn into violent, hulking masses of muscles. But then suddenly the Vikings had a change of heart and realized children are our most precious gift which I’m sure has nothing do with Anheuser-Busch warning the NFL to get its shit together. This is about the kids. Via Deadspin:

This has been an ongoing and deliberate process since last Friday’s news. In conversations with the NFL over the last two days, the Vikings advised the League of the team’s decision to revisit the situation regarding Adrian Peterson. In response, the League informed the team of the option to place Adrian on the Exempt/Commissioner’s Permission list, which will require that Adrian remain away from all team activities while allowing him to take care of his personal situation until the legal proceedings are resolved. After giving the situation additional thought, we have decided this is the appropriate course of action for the organization and for Adrian.

In response, Adrian Peterson tweeted another spiritual affirmation because Christianity seems to be the shield of choice for shitheads lately: More »

Good Morning, Ana Braga, And Other News

September 17th, 2014 // 3 Comments

- Here’s Beyonce drinking champagne, everyone who bought the pregnancy rumors. [Lainey Gossip]

- Ariana Grande hopes all her fans “fucking die.” [Dlisted]

- Booty Shorts Have My Attention [theCHIVE]

- Adrienne Baillon is still shitting on the Kardashians. [Fishwrapper]

- Yes, let’s ask Miss America pageant contestants about Ray Rice. This should go well. [The Frisky]

- Robin Thicke sucks at everything. [WWTDD]

- Meet your new Intenret master. [Death and Taxes]

- What’s up, Jennifer Lamiraqui? [Popoholic]

- Haley Joel Osment explains why he looks like a fat little Nazi. [tooFab]

- Anastasia Ashley does Maxim. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Lara Stone in panties, anyone? [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Pacific Coast News

The Crap We Missed – Tuesday 9.16.14

September 16th, 2014 // 308 Comments

Welcome to Tuesday’s The Crap We Missed where we ask the impossible question “Who’s creepier, Jessica Simpson or yesterday’s Mitch Winehouse?” And the answer of course is Terry Richardson, because no sane person would actually suggest out loud the idea of stuffing Jared Leto‘s freakish genitals into a fanny pack. They’d just Skype about it every morning, suggest going to Halloween parties dressed up as it, and maybe pitch a spinoff blog to their parent company called My So Called Praetorian Helmet Sized Dick I mean, seriously, that guy’s a lunatic.

*hears Fish yelling “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!” from bathroom for tenth time today*

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Splash News

Martha Stewart Is Cutting Bitches

September 16th, 2014 // 10 Comments

Martha Stewart has a drone, so right off the bat, you don’t fuck with that. She’s also done time, so before you think you can just waltz into her territory with your macrobiotic cranberry sauce and free-range giblet gravy served in authentic ancient Mayan finger bowls, know that vengeance is best served with a nice savory quiche and a side-eye reduction sauce. Page Six reports:

Martha Stewart says Goop founder Gwyneth Paltrow should shut up and stick to acting.
She just needs to be quiet. She’s a movie star. If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn’t be trying to be Martha Stewart,” the domestic doyenne snipped to Net-a-Porter’s Porter magazine.
And, after Blake Lively started her own lifestyle site, Preserve, Stewart admits the “Gossip Girl” star had come to her for advice — but sidesteps making a judgment and leaves it to her senior vice president, Kevin Sharkey, who says of Lively: “I don’t get the sense she’s credible. She’s enthusiastic, but she’s not credible.”

Keep in mind, Martha Stewart personally planned Blake Lively’s wedding, yet still went, “I can’t be connected to this one,” and handed the gun to a lackey to deal with an encroachment on her turf. The writer who slipped that part in is probably dead now. Or not getting a lovely, handmade Christmas card, but Martha doesn’t seem the type to go nuclear. She’s too careful, too calculated…

Photo: Getty

Ryan Gosling And Some Whore You Hate Just Had A Baby Girl

September 16th, 2014 // 10 Comments
Ryan Gosling

Congratulations, a wax statue gets laid more than all of us now.

Ryan Gosling was totally going to marry you, but then Eva Mendes threw her slut pussy onto his erect penis while he was trying to send you a romantic dick pic. – WHORE! – So now Us Weekly reports they’re the stupid parents of a stupid baby girl even though you already decorated the nursery for the one you were going to have with Ryan and name Felicity Cherish Hope Harlow Harper Bean. In fact, if you get right down to it, Eva Mendes basically gave you an abortion. You vote pro-life! How could she?!

Photo: Getty

Adrian Peterson Allegedly Beat Another Kid

September 16th, 2014 // 49 Comments
Adrian Peterson Michael Vick
On 'Whooping' Kids
Adrian Peterson
And Why That Shit Is Fucked Up Read More »

“See, Mike, your mistake was using dogs. Now kids? Kids are where the good whoopin’s at. Not only is that shit legal, but mothafucka’s will actually go on TV and defend your ass.”
“For real?”
“Google Charles Barkley, son.”

Because Adrian Peterson‘s parents understood the value of good, old-fashioned southern whoopings, he not only grew up to become a professional football player, but also a righteous man of God who’s not afraid to spare the rod when it comes to his 800 kids scattered across the country thanks to having unprotected sex with multiple women. Which brings us to June 2013 when one of his baby mamas reported Adrian Peterson to child protective services for striking another four-year-old son while he was in his car seat. The result of the investigation ended up being “unclear,” and his lawyer was quick to toss out a statement yesterday once news outlets started finding out about it. Via Deadspin:

“The allegation of another investigation into Adrian Peterson is simply not true. This is not a new allegation, it’s one that is unsubstantiated and was shopped around to authorities in two states over a year ago and nothing came of it. An adult witness adamantly insists Adrian did nothing inappropriate with his son. There is no ongoing or new investigation.”

Except here are text messages obtained by KHOU Houston that are allegedly between Peterson and the boy’s mother: More »

Coroner: Lindsay Lohan Never Touched Whitney Houston’s Body Bag

September 16th, 2014 // 18 Comments
Lindsay's Gone Digital
Lindsay Lohan Weisses Fest
She's Stealing Apps Now Read More »

In a new interview with The Telegraph, Lindsay Lohan claimed she handled Whitney Houston’s body bag during her court-ordered community service at the LA County morgue. Which obviously never happened because Lindsay Lohan said it did, but just for fun, here’s the coroner’s office pointing out how completely full of shit she is:

An official from the Coroner’s Office tells TMZ … Whitney was NEVER in a body bag and no one in the probation program came in contact with Whitney’s body.
Lindsay — who was ordered by a judge to spend time at the morgue to teach her a lesson about drinking and driving — claimed in an interview she was singled out to roll Whitney’s body bag.

In Lindsay Lohan’s defense, she is a cyborg hooker from the future now, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned from cyborg hookers from the future it’s that our definition of reality no longer pertains to them. Also, they can see through any object, so there’s no point in hiding your wallet. Don’t even bother.

Photos: INFphoto, Splash News

Rihanna To CBS: ‘F*ck You For Pulling My Song’

September 16th, 2014 // 23 Comments

In light of the Ray Rice incident, CBS decided to pull “Run This Town” from Thursday Night Football because Rihanna was the victim of domestic violence, so let’s make her feel ashamed to have her music broadcast before the sacred and holy communion of NFL football. Except now they want to play her song this week because how else are they going to get past this Adrian Peterson shit without pretending everything’s fine and acting like nothing happened? Rihanna ain’t having it.

CBS you pulled my song last week, now you wanna slide it back in this Thursday? NO, Fuck you! Y’all are sad for penalizing me for this.

When reached for comment, a spokesperson for CBS responded, “It’s cool. We’ll just play a Michael Jackson song. That won’t remind anyone of child abuse, and we’ll just blow right by this Adrian Peter- I’m sorry, his father did what now? Oh. Oh GOD. *runs screaming down the hall* STOP IT! STOP THE MUSIC! FOOTBALL’S IN DANGER!”

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

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