Blake Lively’s Pregnant Body Won The Angel Ball

October 21st, 2014 // 2 Comments

Normally, pregnancy is God’s way of cursing woman for using their filthy vagina holes for sex, but sometimes it can result a in beautiful transformation instead of the Beast of the Apocalypse. And such is the case with Blake Lively who took time away from running a website full of plagiarism and the hottest slaveowner fashions to look goddamn remarkable at whatever the hell the Angel Ball is. There are women without a parasite living inside of them who don’t look this good. It’s changed everything I thought I knew about the female body.

ALTERNATE POST FOR HILARY DUFF:

Your butt’s prettier. Let’s get married! *pulls out diamond ring, waits for it…*

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Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, MPNC / AKM-GSI, Splash News

I’m Told This Is Renee Zellweger

October 21st, 2014 // 26 Comments

If someone asked me to describe Renee Zellweger for a police sketch artist, the first words out of my mouth would be, “Lemons. She ate all the lemons.” From there, I’d go into extensive detail about squinting, so let’s cut the shit, who’s this impostor? I’m looking at your entire eye, woman. Reveal yourself!

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Photos: Getty, Splash News

Good Morning, Colleen Shannon, And Other News

October 21st, 2014 // 3 Comments

- I have yet to hear one bad thing about Birdman. [Lainey Gossip]

- Bethenny Frankel‘s mom seems nice. [Dlisted]

- Jenna Handed To You On A Silver Platter [theCHIVE]

- Sean Hannity invited Russell Brand onto his show, then had security kick him out. [Fishwrapper]

- This is a link to penises wearing heels in the most literal way possible. [The Frisky]

- Wait, Nina Dobrev wears bikinis on The Vampire Diaries? *sets DVR* [WWTDD]

- Your hypnotic ass GIF of the day. [Girls In Cute Underwear]

- If Christopher Nolan Directed ‘Spaceballs’ [Death and Taxes]

- Alessandra Ambrosio is still incredibly hot. [Popoholic]

- Monica Lewinsky is giving speeches now. [tooFab]

- What’s up, Shanna McLaughlin? [Hollywood Tuna]

- Holy hell, Katee Life… [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Fame/Flynet

The Crap We Missed – Monday 10.20.14

October 20th, 2014 // 312 Comments

Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed that features Aunt Becky & DJ after a sweaty workout, Roman Polanski posing with monsters, and Antonio Sabato Jr.‘s penis, so exactly everything, in order, from my dream last night, except…*averts terrified eyes from gallery, slowly returns gaze*If Maitland Ward‘s greasy nipples are in here, I might lose my fucking mind*clicks*

THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!!!

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

And Now Back To Celebrities: What Are They Doing With Their Vaginas?

October 20th, 2014 // 36 Comments

After the depressing one-two punch (poor choice of words) of Stephen Collins getting off (and I did it again) scot-free and Ray Rice being reinstated next month, I thought we could use some lighter fare. So here’s Miley Cyrus doing wacky stuff with her vulva because she’s not Hannah Montana anymore blah blah blah drugs. The important thing is I wrote vulva instead of vagina which is practically a miracle considering I still think these things can read minds like Quato. Or maybe I just date a lot of women with baby arms down there. Baby arms that, now that I think about, look an awful lot like di- sonofabitch.

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Photos: Vantagenews/AKM-GSI

Ray Rice Could Be Reinstated Next Month

October 20th, 2014 // 46 Comments
Ray Rice
Just For Saying Words
Bill Simmons
Bill Simmons Suspended Longer Than Ray Rice Read More »

After TMZ published footage showing Ray Rice knocking his fiance out in an elevator which the NFL almost definitely saw, he was suspended indefinitely by the league after getting just a two-game suspension and a pat on the back from the Ravens. From there, it’s been one perpetual fuck-up after the other including an extensive report by ESPN on how the NFL and the Ravens were actively involved in minimizing the legal damage from one of its players beating a woman unconscious because LOL women. And now the NFL’s shit-ass half-measures on domestic violence will probably see Ray Rice playing again by the middle of November just like everyone joked. CBS Sports reports:

Rice has maintained he did not lie in his testimony to Commissioner Roger Goodell, and his legal team will make the case that even under the NFL’s new domestic violence policy, and as a first-time offender, Rice should be suspended a maximum of six games, which has already passed. Furthermore, they will make the argument that the video tape of Rice’s actions were available to the team and the league throughout the process of determining his discipline, and thus nothing changed whatsoever with the case from the time Rice was suspended two games, until eventually being suspended indefinitely, save for TMZ obtaining and posting the video.
Numerous legal experts I’ve spoken to believe Rice has an exceedingly strong case, and, considering it could be Week 10 or so before this hearing is resolved, it’s hard for them to conceive that Rice isn’t reinstated by Jones as part of her decision.

In the meantime, two former wives of NFL players have come forward to the Washington Post about “how the league, the union, coaches, and even cops encouraged them to stay silent.” Via Deadspin: More »

Jena Malone Is Probably Batfleck’s Robin

October 20th, 2014 // 35 Comments
Jena Malone Red Hair
Previously In Nerd Shit
Tom Hardy Might Be Apocalypse Read More »

So here’s what we know about Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice: It’s heavily influenced by The Dark Knight Returns. In The Dark Knight Returns, Robin is a redhead girl named Carrie Kelley. Jena Malone has red hair which is already way more information than the Internet needs to wildly speculate, but here’s an overly-talkative extra telling a news reporter that Robin’s a girl now just in case. Via Variety:

WILX-10 News station reporter Kirk Montgomery spoke with one of the extras at Michigan State University, where a scene involving Bruce Wayne (Ben Affleck) and Lex Luthor (Jesse Eisenberg) was being filmed this week.
“I’ve also learned that the character of Robin is now female,” he said alluding to the film’s top secret script.
Warner Bros. declined to comment.

Now before jackasses eventually starts screaming “PC BULLSHIT!” and driving people from their homes, keep in mind, like I said at the beginning of the goddamn post, in The Dark Knight Returns, probably the most iconic and game-changing Batman story ever written, Robin is a girl. That shit is canon. Not to mention, it was written by probably the most un-PC person in comics you can possibly find. I’m talking about a guy whose depiction of women went from cannon fodder to they’re all whores to having Superman straight-up rape one because 9/11. Basically you’d love him.

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Photo: Splash News

Jennifer Lopez Still Makes Videos With Fat Joe

October 20th, 2014 // 14 Comments
Jennifer Lopez Stressin Fat Joe
WATCH: Fat Joe - 'Stressin ft. Jennifer Lopez'

For the rest of her natural life, Jennifer Lopez will never make a video that’s better than “Booty.” These are facts. However, that still won’t stop me from posting the new video for Fat Joe’s “Stressin” because there’s nothing more with the times than tone-deaf rap videos where rich people brag about how awesome and stress-free their lives are. Also, Jennifer Lopez over-emphasizes “thousand dollar tips” as “thousand dollar teeeyips,” and that shit will get stuck straight in your head. – The Superficial: I’mma Put My Pain In You.

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