Lara Bingle Is Topless

August 28th, 2014 // 3 Comments

Remember Sam Worthington? That guy who was in every single movie that came out between 2009 and 2010? It’s not important. Here’s his girlfriend Lara Bingle‘s giant naked breasts just like I promised you in the Jon Stewart post which makes me more accurate than The Bible. Not that I wasn’t already, but sometimes it’s important to point that out in a post no one’s going to read because giant naked breasts. I’m a profile in courage.

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Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie Are Married

August 28th, 2014 // 11 Comments
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Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have been together for nine years, the bulk of which they’ve spent as parents to six children. But what they don’t have a is a legal document that makes it a gigantic pain in the ass to break up, so their love has basically been meaningless horseshit if it even counts as love at all. Fortunately, they fixed all that by secretly getting married in France over the weekend, and then surprising all of us with the news this morning because thanks to their omnipotent vantage point from Marriage Mountain, they could tell we needed a light to guide us out of the darkness. I heard Angelina Jolie even transformed into a dove. The AP reports:

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were married Saturday in the French hamlet of Correns, a spokesman for the couple says.
Jolie and Pitt wed in a small chapel in a private ceremony attended by family and friends at Provence’s Chateau Miraval. In advance of the nondenominational civil ceremony, Pitt and Jolie obtained a marriage license from a local California judge. The judge also conducted the ceremony in France.
The couple’s children took part in the wedding. Jolie walked the aisle with her eldest sons Maddox and Pax. Zahara and Vivienne threw flower petals. Shiloh and Knox served as ring bearers, the spokesman says.

When asked what prompted them to finally walk down the aisle, the spokesperson replied, “Honestly, I think both of them are hoping this will finally kill the other. If I had to put a label on it.”

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty

Good Morning, Katy Perry, And Other News

August 28th, 2014 // 8 Comments

- Justin Theroux’s Penis: A discussion. [Lainey Gossip]

- Jennifer Aniston doesn’t need kids to be valued as a woman. Which is true. It’s about breast size. [Dlisted]

- Redheads travel in packs? Perfect… [theCHIVE]

- LeAnn Rimes is a rapist. Her words, not mine. [Fishwrapper]

- What the NRA was tweeting after a 9-year-old killed an instructor with an Uzi. [Death And Taxes]

- Pandas. They’re just like us. [The Frisky]

- Goddamn, Arianny Celeste and Brittney Palmer. [WWTDD]

- Megan Fox‘s ass threw out a first pitch. [Popoholic]

- Joke about Blue Ivy at your own peril. [Starpulse]

- Victoria Justice twerking her ass like Nicki Minaj. [tooFab]

- “Why can’t Putin be our president?” FOX News, everybody. [The Daily Banter]

- I’m suddenly very interested in Ice Bucket Challenges again. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Anastasia Ashley‘s ass is still awesome. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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And Now Jon Stewart Going Off On Ferguson

August 27th, 2014 // 54 Comments
Jon Stewart Ferguson

The Daily Show has been on summer hiatus for the past few weeks, but it’s back and last night Jon Stewart got to work tearing apart the media coverage of Ferguson which I’m posting for three reasons: 1. It’s awesome. 2. Apparently the police in Ferguson are letting dogs piss on Michael Brown‘s memorial whenever they’re not straight running over it with their cars, so you know, fuck that. And 3. I’m killing time waiting for Lara Bingle topless pics because as the late Benjamin Franklin once said to Captain America during the Vietnam War: “If there is one thing, above all else, that elevates our discourse and fortifies our righteous rancor, it is the naked titty. For from its nip flows knowledge, truth, and the ability to forge mens souls into committing any deed. Literally any one at all.” (Full Disclosure: I may have mixed up some of the dates and key players, but you get the gist.)

Jon Stewart Goes Off On Ferguson After The Jump

The Crap We Missed – Wednesday 8.27.14

August 27th, 2014 // 299 Comments

Welcome to Wednesday’s The Crap We Missed, your daily repository for all the hateful shit you’d totally say to these celebrities’ faces if given the chance. Something like “Hey Guy Fieri, sweet denim chef coat. I hope it somehow gives you AIDS,” or maybe “Oh wow, you’re Howie Mandel! Congratulations on being the lamest part of a show that also features Nick Cannon.” I bet if you were right here with George Clooney, you’d probably say “What’s that? Jean Dujardin just told you the difference between a French and an American marriage? Haha, yeah…”

Or maybe just stuff about peeing in butts, I don’t know, you guys do it better than I do,

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Kanye West: ‘My Dad Was A Paparazzo’

August 27th, 2014 // 16 Comments
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“Why does one of them keep yelling, ‘I just want to see my granddaughter!’ instead of taking pictures of my tits? Kanye? — Kanye?

So remember in The Empire Strikes Back when everyone finds out Darth Vader is Luke’s father? This is sort of like that except way, way stupider because only hands got cut off in Empire instead of tone-deaf accusations of being treated like a pre-civil-rights African-American. TMZ reports:

During deposition for the suit filed by Daniel Ramos … Kanye told Ramos’ attorney, “My father was a paparazzo himself.” He added that his parents didn’t raise him to “be out here wrestling with random paparazzi in front of LAX.”
Kanye said he respects some of the paparazzi and gets along with them from time to time, but accused Ramos of asking him about “dumb s**t.”

And if there’s one person who should be the arbiter of what constitutes “dumb shit,” it’s the man who called Kim Kardashian his “dinosaur” and equates getting his picture taken with forced sexual intercourse. That’s a level of intelligence you don’t just fire random questions at. His mind’s a fine-tuned instrument that should only be used on the most next level of shit. And you’re damn right I’m talking about leather jogging pants. They’re jogging pants made out of leather.

Photos: Splash News

Nina Dobrev’s In A Bikini, Probably Banging Alexander Ludwig

August 27th, 2014 // 15 Comments

My knowledge of Nina Dobrev pretty much starts and ends with she’s on not-True Blood, and I had to Google who the hell Alexander Ludwig even is. So here’s the two of them together because this site is a goddamn collision course of superstar fame provided there are butt photos. On that note, I don’t know what else you expect me to add here, but if it’s Ian Somerhalder holding a cat, you’re barking up the tree. — It’s over here. He truly, genuinely loves them. You can really tell.

Photos: FameFlynet

No, Wait, Megan Fox, South Korea’s On Our Side!

August 27th, 2014 // 12 Comments

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is an epic shitbomb of pure fuck-dumb, so here’s Megan Fox dropping it on South Korea yesterday because who needs allies? Amirite? That whole North Korea thing will probably sort itself out. Plus we’re still holding all the Dennis Rodmans. I dare anyone to defy us.

Photos: Getty

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