The Crap We Missed – Thursday 10.23.14

October 23rd, 2014 // 123 Comments

Welcome to Thursday’s The Crap We Missed that’s kind of a sausage fest and I’m not just talking about how Seth Rogen‘s torso was made, Joe Jonas‘ new concept restaurant, or how to make Ariana Grande‘s brother’s head explode with a simple invite. Seriously, this thing is crammed full of dudes. Somebody should let Ryan Seacrest kn– and nevermind, his radar has already detected us.

For the record, today’s lead was either Crystal Hefner or Jessie J. Please allow me this consideration before accurately accusing me of being bribed with coupons for oatmeal,

- Photo Boy

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Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Teresa Giudice Got The ‘OINTB’ Prison, Doesn’t Want To Now

October 23rd, 2014 // 3 Comments
Teresa Giudice
The Show Seems So Fun!
Teresa Giudice
Teresa Giudice Wants To Go To 'OINTB' Prison Read More »

Yesterday, we learned that Teresa Giudice‘s crisis manager fired her after Teresa went behind her back and filed a request to serve her time at Danbury Federal Prison in Connecticut which was the inspiration for Orange Is The New Black. And according to TMZ, she actually got approved except, just kidding, how about a nice halfway house? Jail is like, right? E! News reports:

E! News has learned that the Real Housewives of New Jersey star’s new attorney Stacy Ann Biancamo filed a letter to Judge Salas with the Federal Court today asking that they reconsider letting Teresa spend some of her sentence in a halfway house.
In the letter obtained by E! News, Biancamo states that she and her client “respectfully disagree” with the government’s decision to object their request that Giudice serve her time in home confinement because it’s a “substantive change to her sentence.”

Oh, did I mention Teresa was trying to get house arrest? Teresa was trying to get house arrest. But she’ll settle for a halfway house which she deserves because she has kids and farting out kids immediately makes you a golden angel who deserves special treatment. Back me up, Mama June:

“In Ms. Giudice’s case, we respectfully submit that the maximum RRC [Residential Reentry Center or halfway house] placement, as determined by the BOP, would also facilitate her return to her four young children, elderly parents, community and charitable endeavors without reducing her 15-month custodial sentence,” the letter states.

Teresa also mentioned she has a coupon and when she called earlier and spoke to a – *looks at notes* – “Cheryl,” Cheryl told her it’d be okay for her to go to a halfway house. Why would she tell her that if it wasn’t true? She then asked to speak to a manager before swatting away one of her kids. “Mommy’s busy!”

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Photos: Splash News

North West Will Have To Work For What She Wants

October 23rd, 2014 // 12 Comments
Kim Poses Naked
Kim Kardashian Naked Butt
Will Tell You She Was Fully Clothed The Whole Time Read More »

Posted by Photo Boy

The Superficial’s Theory of Kardashian, which states “Upon the opening of the mouth, utter bullshit shall spew forth until said mouth closes or is rendered unintelligible by oral processes related to the filming of interracial pornography,” so we already know that when Bos Optimum, or Kim Kardashian, as the humans who arrogantly ignore her bovine royalty title refer to her, says that North West will have a job at some point in her life, we can disregard that as just the cud talking. Via E! Online:

“I was saying that earlier to my friends, ‘I wonder what [North's] first job is gonna be.’ And they were like, ‘What? She’s gonna have a job?’ and I was like, ‘Are you kidding me? Of course she is,’” she told the publication. “She will have to work for what she wants.”

There’s more about how Kim always had to “save up” for stuff that she wanted as a kid and trust me you guys, I’m trying really fucking hard not to make a sex worker joke about a baby here, especially in light of this horrific mess, so I’ll go with the only way this mythical job interview could possibly go: More »

Mama June Is Dating A Convicted Child Molester

October 23rd, 2014 // 36 Comments
Mama June Shannon

“Will this’n here help you catch more keeds? I love you!”

Last month, we found out that somehow Sugar Bear done cheated on Mama June (I really stop joking about all of this as you’ll see in a minute.) because if Jon Gosselin has taught us anything, it’s that reality TV is a questionable pussy goldmine. On the same token, if reality TV has taught us anything else, it’s that it’s a hotbed for the very worst of humanity because nothing brings in the ratings like pure fucking awful. TMZ reports:

Mama June is seeing someone new, but there’s a big problem … the guy just got out of prison after serving time for molesting one of June’s relatives … TMZ has learned.
The new guy is 53-year-old Mark McDaniel. He was convicted in 2004 for aggravated child molestation. Prosecutors say he molested an 8-year-old child — forcing oral sex. June was dating McDaniel at the same time he molested the child.

WARNING: Rant coming. More »

‘Brazilian Candidate? Look At Me Topless In My Underwear!’

October 23rd, 2014 // 16 Comments

Yesterday, Lindsay Lohan was all over the place after she tweeted then untweeted an endorsement for a Brazilian presidential candidate with ties to cocaine smuggling because of course. So what quicker way to change the subject than by posting a topless photo of yourself to Instagram? Which might work if the entire Internet hasn’t seen you naked a hundred times. At least move your hair out of the way if you want me to forget about that stuff I was just saying (Brazil nuts, right?) or take a page from Courtney Stodden‘s book. Then again, I don’t think you have body for this. The fake, cartoon body.

Courtney Stodden’s Nude Instagram After The Jump

Brad Pitt Seems Like A Good Sport

October 23rd, 2014 // 9 Comments
Brad Pitt Between Two Ferns

Full Disclosure: I’ve never watched an entire episode of Between Two Ferns. In fact, I think the only one I ever clicked on was the Natalie Portman one and bailed after a minute. And yet for some reason this morning, I decided to watch the new Brad Pitt episode in its entirety which surprisingly pays off at the end. Plus, once you aggregate one viral video, you kind of want to aggregate them all so it looks like you don’t spent all morning reading Clickhole and wondering what you’re doing with your life.

And that’s how you blog a blog. Any questions?

Brad Pitt ‘Between Two Ferns With Zach Galifianakis’ After The Jump

Good Morning, Michelle Lewin, And Other News

October 23rd, 2014 // 16 Comments

- Captain America‘s probably banging Minka Kelly again. [Lainey Gossip]

- Jennifer Lopez is following in Britney Spears‘ footsteps. The Britney Spears. [Dlisted]

- These Girls Know How To Work A Dress [theCHIVE]

- LeAnn Rimes will destroy Christmas now. [Fishwrapper]

- Toys R Us caved to the Florida mom bitching about Breaking Bad figures. [The Frisky]

- Megan Mahoney is your new hot teacher who got caught banging students. [WWTDD]

- Homosexuality is a sin, says guy who jerks off in strangers cars with spark plugs. [Death and Taxes]

- Olivia Munn wore some sort of ballerina thing. [Popoholic]

- Is this a message to Shia LaBeouf? What’s happening here? [tooFab]

- Kelly Brook‘s 2015 calender is here. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Victoria’s Secret is finally catching up to the Internet. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Splash News

‘The Avengers: Age of Ultron’ Official Trailer Is Here And Good God

October 23rd, 2014 // 22 Comments
Avengers Age of Ultron
WATCH: 'Avengers: Age of Ultron' Official Teaser

So Marvel had made a private video for its girlfriend Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. to see next week, but this is the Internet, so somebody leaked that shit last night detonating millions of nerd boners who clearly have no respect for privacy. That wasn’t meant for you. — At least not until an hour later when Marvel said “Fuck it” and gave everybody an official version in glorious HD which you should be watching right now instead of reading my stupid shit. There’s an Iron Man inside an Iron Man with creepy Pinocchio music, and all I’m doing is making highly questionable Fappening jokes. You’re making poor choices with your life. Your mom and I are worried.

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