The Crap We Missed – Wednesday 9.17.14

September 17th, 2014 // 327 Comments

Have we mentioned this week’s theme is creepy? Because this week’s theme is creepy.

Welcome to Wednesday’s The Crap We Missed, starting with old Bitchface McGee, the first ingredient in this rich stew of butts, twenty-year-aged Coco (Hint: It’s gone bad), and multi-generational Trump asshatness that will have you wondering what type of Faustian deal you’d be willing to accept for fabulous wealth.

Seriously, name it, Satan’s earthly emissary only needs one more soul before emerging from this cocoon and commencing his thousand year reign of terror,

- Photo Boy

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Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Reggie Bush ‘Harshly’ Disciplines His One-Year-Old

September 17th, 2014 // 59 Comments
Reggie Bush Daughter
You're Costing Us Money
Adrian Peterson
Time To Do The Right Thing Read More »

Of all the people who stuck their penis into Kim Kardashian and survived, Reggie Bush managed to walk away relatively unscathed if not justifiably credited for having as much sex with Kim as he could while appearing on her show as little as possible. The man set goals, and he accomplished him. But that was before I heard him defend Adrian Peterson yesterday and boast about disciplining a one-year-old little girl which is all exactly as bad as it sounds. CBS New York reports:

The Detroit Lions running back, appearing Tuesday on WFAN’s “Boomer & Carton” show, said Peterson should be allowed to play football despite being indicted on charges of child abuse for hitting his 4-year-old son with a tree branch, causing cuts to the child’s legs.
“I was punished the same way,” Bush said. “And I know a lot of my friends and a lot of the guys I played with, they were punished the same way, too.”
The 29-year-old said he’d use his “best judgment” when it comes to punishing his daughter, Briseis. But he opened himself up for criticism by admitting he will come down hard on the toddler.
“I have a 1-year-old daughter, and I discipline her,” he said. “I definitely will try to — will obviously not leave bruises or anything like that on her. But I definitely will discipline her harshly depending on what the situation is.”

Oh, wow, goddammit. That was a grown man bragging about whooping an infant. At least he didn’t say he’d use a switch except you know what’s about to happen, don’t you? More »

A Moment For Candice Swanepoel’s Butt

September 17th, 2014 // 8 Comments

I’ve got another post coming up where some asshole not only defends Adrian Peterson, but openly considers using a switch on his child. So before we all feel really dark inside from churning up repressed childhood memories, here’s Candice Swanepoel’s butt whose dimples have never beaten a child. Trust me, I have cameras everywhere. I mean… yeah, that came out like it sounds.

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Photos: INFphoto

Adrian Peterson’s Nike Contract Is Suspended

September 17th, 2014 // 16 Comments
Adrian Peterson

Because if everyone works fast enough, the NFL can sweep this all up by Thursday night, Nike has suspended Adrian Peterson‘s contract, according to ESPN’s Darren Rovell:

“Nike in no way condones child abuse [Ed. Note: I'll assume "but our factories though" got cut off. - SW] or domestic violence of any kind and has shared our concerns with the NFL. We have suspended our contract with Adrian Peterson.”

In response, Adrian Peterson tweeted, “This is ALL Part of God’s Plan to turn Me Into Something even Stronger than a Diamond! Like a LASER BEAM! #WhoopDemKids #PraiseJesus”

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Photo: Getty

Beyonce Has The Photoshop

September 17th, 2014 // 15 Comments
Didn't We Just Do This?
Beyonce Butt Jay Z On The Run Tour Opening Night
Now They're Faking A Pregnancy Read More »

Joan Rivers‘s death might have exposed the fatal danger of selfies in the medical field, and large swaths of America still thinks it’s acceptable to beat children with wooden objects, but let’s take a moment for the very serious issue of whether or not Beyonce is Photoshopping herself again. After posting a new bikini picture to her website, her fans couldn’t help but notice the unusual shape of her thigh gap (look at the stairs) and proceeded to lose their shit because Beyonce is a pillar of truth and honesty who’s never tried to hide how she really looks before. How could she do this to them? Is it because of the Illuminati? Tell them it’s because of the Illuminati, and they’ll stop thinking about the whole thing. And if you can’t say it out loud, fake a divorce if it’s yes. A pregnancy if it’s no. Bey-hive, set your decoder rings!

Photo: Beyonce

Joan Rivers’ Doctor Took A Selfie During The Biopsy That Killed Her

September 17th, 2014 // 25 Comments
Joan Rivers
No Fucks Given
Joan Rivers
Joan Rivers (1933-2014) Read More »

When Joan Rivers died, the clinic where her heart stopped received an assload of backlash which apparently it should have because not only was a biopsy performed without her consent, but the doctor performing it took a selfie in the middle of it. I warned people that shit would start killing people, but nooo, look how good your face looks if you hold the phone down by the steering wheel. CNN reports:

The cardiac arrest leading to Joan Rivers’ death happened as the comedian’s personal doctor began performing a biopsy on her vocal cords, a source close to the death investigation told CNN.
A staff member at Manhattan’s Yorkville Endoscopy clinic told investigators that the doctor, who has not been publicly identified, took a selfie photo in the procedure room while Rivers was under anesthesia, the source said.
Rivers, 81, was at the clinic for a scheduled endoscopy by another doctor, gastroenterologist Dr. Lawrence Cohen. That procedure, intended to help diagnose her hoarse voice and sore throat, involved the insertion of a camera down her throat.
After Cohen, the clinic’s medical director, finished his work, a biopsy was done on Rivers without her prior consent, according to the source.

According to investigators, it was during the biopsy when Joan’s vocal chords began to swell cutting off oxygen to her lungs, so hopefully the doctor got a good shot of that happening while trying to decide if he should raise just one of his eyebrows or maybe do like a grin while pointing back to Joan with his thumb. But, first, could someone find out what all that beeping is? It’s interrupting all this handsome.

UPDATE: Turns out Dr. Selfie is a woman which doesn’t make sense because I thought they were only dangerous beyond the wheel. Can someone double check this?

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Photo: Getty

Adrian Peterson Suspended From Minnesota Vikings Indefinitely

September 17th, 2014 // 54 Comments
Adrian Peterson
He Whooped Another One
Adrian Peterson Michael Vick
Daddy Got Big Heart Though Read More »

The Minnesota Vikings thought they could squeeze Adrian Peterson into at least one game and score a win this Sunday before they’d be forced to cut him from the team in because some hippie-dippie types don’t understand good old fashioned southern whooppings and the intrinsic value of beating kids so they turn into violent, hulking masses of muscles. But then suddenly the Vikings had a change of heart and realized children are our most precious gift which I’m sure has nothing do with Anheuser-Busch warning the NFL to get its shit together. This is about the kids. Via Deadspin:

This has been an ongoing and deliberate process since last Friday’s news. In conversations with the NFL over the last two days, the Vikings advised the League of the team’s decision to revisit the situation regarding Adrian Peterson. In response, the League informed the team of the option to place Adrian on the Exempt/Commissioner’s Permission list, which will require that Adrian remain away from all team activities while allowing him to take care of his personal situation until the legal proceedings are resolved. After giving the situation additional thought, we have decided this is the appropriate course of action for the organization and for Adrian.

In response, Adrian Peterson tweeted another spiritual affirmation because Christianity seems to be the shield of choice for shitheads lately: More »

Good Morning, Ana Braga, And Other News

September 17th, 2014 // 9 Comments

- Here’s Beyonce drinking champagne, everyone who bought the pregnancy rumors. [Lainey Gossip]

- Ariana Grande hopes all her fans “fucking die.” [Dlisted]

- Booty Shorts Have My Attention [theCHIVE]

- Adrienne Baillon is still shitting on the Kardashians. [Fishwrapper]

- Yes, let’s ask Miss America pageant contestants about Ray Rice. This should go well. [The Frisky]

- Robin Thicke sucks at everything. [WWTDD]

- Meet your new Intenret master. [Death and Taxes]

- What’s up, Jennifer Lamiraqui? [Popoholic]

- Haley Joel Osment explains why he looks like a fat little Nazi. [tooFab]

- Anastasia Ashley does Maxim. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Lara Stone in panties, anyone? [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Pacific Coast News

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