Matthew McConaughey Said Some Stupid Shit About The Redskins

October 21st, 2014 // 28 Comments
Matthew McConaughey Magic Mike

Matthew McConaughey is the cover interview for the new issue of GQ which is an incredible read for anyone who’s currently obsessed with the McConaissance to a fault like I am. (And, yes, he’s aware of the term: “It’s a cool word. It sounds good. It’s got a good meter.”) Except you’ve probably heard by now that Matthew McConaughey is a Washington Redskins fan from Texas because of hamburgers (“First: 4 years old, watching Westerns, I always rooted for the Indians. Second, my favorite food was hamburgers. The Redskins had a linebacker named Chris Hanburger.”) and waded into the controversy over the team’s name with not exactly the best defense of it. So let’s get that out of the way for what’s probably the first time I’ve basically said, “You know what? Fuck politics. I want to hear about this dude’s diary.” More »

Hannibal Buress: Google ‘Bill Cosby Rape’

October 21st, 2014 // 23 Comments
Bill Cosby
Don't Eat The Pudding Pops!
Bill Cosby Cosby Show
The Pudding Pops Are Drugged! Read More »

Earlier in the year, Tom Scocca wrote an awesome piece for Gawker reminding everyone that Bill Cosby has a history of serious rape allegations that’s been neatly swept under the rug despite being a matter of public record. A week later, one of Cosby’s accusers did an interview with Newsweek along with dropping the bombshell that were at least 12 other alleged victims involved in the 2005 lawsuit. And yet the only traction any of this gained was a brief flare-up in the press because it happened right in the middle of Woody Allen and Dylan Farrow‘s open letters in the New York Times. Except one person who did take notice is comedian Hannibal Buress who decided to use this information to a take a shit in Bill Cosby’s own backyard during a standup show in Philadelphia. Via PhillyMag.com:

“It’s even worse because Bill Cosby has the fuckin’ smuggest old black man persona that I hate,” Buress said. “He gets on TV, ‘Pull your pants up black people, I was on TV in the 80s! I can talk down to you because I had a successful sitcom!’ Yeah, but you rape women, Bill Cosby, so turn the crazy down a couple notches.”
“I guess I want to just at least make it weird for you to watch Cosby Show reruns,” Buress says later. “I’ve done this bit on stage and people think I’m making it up…. when you leave here, google ‘Bill Cosby rape.’ That shit has more results than ‘Hannibal Buress.’”

The good new is as of noon EST, Hannibal Buress is one the top three trending topics on Facebook. Which would be encouraging if the other two weren’t a Banksy hoax and a real, working hoverboard that’s already in the top spot because I mentioned it was Facebook, right? Fortunately, I have a solution: More »

Blake Lively’s Pregnant Body Won The Angel Ball

October 21st, 2014 // 7 Comments

Normally, pregnancy is God’s way of cursing woman for using their filthy vagina holes for sex, but sometimes it can result a in beautiful transformation instead of the Beast of the Apocalypse. And such is the case with Blake Lively who took time away from running a website full of plagiarism and the hottest slaveowner fashions to look goddamn remarkable at whatever the hell the Angel Ball is. There are women without a parasite living inside of them who don’t look this good. It’s changed everything I thought I knew about the female body.

ALTERNATE POST FOR HILARY DUFF:

Your butt’s prettier. Let’s get married! *pulls out diamond ring, waits for it…*

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Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, MPNC / AKM-GSI, Splash News

I’m Told This Is Renee Zellweger

October 21st, 2014 // 44 Comments

If someone asked me to describe Renee Zellweger for a police sketch artist, the first words out of my mouth would be, “Lemons. She ate all the lemons.” From there, I’d go into extensive detail about squinting, so let’s cut the shit, who’s this impostor? I’m looking at your entire eye, woman. Reveal yourself!

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Photos: Getty, Splash News

Good Morning, Colleen Shannon, And Other News

October 21st, 2014 // 6 Comments

- I have yet to hear one bad thing about Birdman. [Lainey Gossip]

- Bethenny Frankel‘s mom seems nice. [Dlisted]

- Jenna Handed To You On A Silver Platter [theCHIVE]

- Sean Hannity invited Russell Brand onto his show, then had security kick him out. [Fishwrapper]

- This is a link to penises wearing heels in the most literal way possible. [The Frisky]

- Wait, Nina Dobrev wears bikinis on The Vampire Diaries? *sets DVR* [WWTDD]

- Your hypnotic ass GIF of the day. [Girls In Cute Underwear]

- If Christopher Nolan Directed ‘Spaceballs’ [Death and Taxes]

- Alessandra Ambrosio is still incredibly hot. [Popoholic]

- Monica Lewinsky is giving speeches now. [tooFab]

- What’s up, Shanna McLaughlin? [Hollywood Tuna]

- Holy hell, Katee Life… [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Fame/Flynet

The Crap We Missed – Monday 10.20.14

October 20th, 2014 // 317 Comments

Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed that features Aunt Becky & DJ after a sweaty workout, Roman Polanski posing with monsters, and Antonio Sabato Jr.‘s penis, so exactly everything, in order, from my dream last night, except…*averts terrified eyes from gallery, slowly returns gaze*If Maitland Ward‘s greasy nipples are in here, I might lose my fucking mind*clicks*

THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!!!

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

And Now Back To Celebrities: What Are They Doing With Their Vaginas?

October 20th, 2014 // 36 Comments

After the depressing one-two punch (poor choice of words) of Stephen Collins getting off (and I did it again) scot-free and Ray Rice being reinstated next month, I thought we could use some lighter fare. So here’s Miley Cyrus doing wacky stuff with her vulva because she’s not Hannah Montana anymore blah blah blah drugs. The important thing is I wrote vulva instead of vagina which is practically a miracle considering I still think these things can read minds like Quato. Or maybe I just date a lot of women with baby arms down there. Baby arms that, now that I think about, look an awful lot like di- sonofabitch.

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Photos: Vantagenews/AKM-GSI

Ray Rice Could Be Reinstated Next Month

October 20th, 2014 // 48 Comments
Ray Rice
Just For Saying Words
Bill Simmons
Bill Simmons Suspended Longer Than Ray Rice Read More »

After TMZ published footage showing Ray Rice knocking his fiance out in an elevator which the NFL almost definitely saw, he was suspended indefinitely by the league after getting just a two-game suspension and a pat on the back from the Ravens. From there, it’s been one perpetual fuck-up after the other including an extensive report by ESPN on how the NFL and the Ravens were actively involved in minimizing the legal damage from one of its players beating a woman unconscious because LOL women. And now the NFL’s shit-ass half-measures on domestic violence will probably see Ray Rice playing again by the middle of November just like everyone joked. CBS Sports reports:

Rice has maintained he did not lie in his testimony to Commissioner Roger Goodell, and his legal team will make the case that even under the NFL’s new domestic violence policy, and as a first-time offender, Rice should be suspended a maximum of six games, which has already passed. Furthermore, they will make the argument that the video tape of Rice’s actions were available to the team and the league throughout the process of determining his discipline, and thus nothing changed whatsoever with the case from the time Rice was suspended two games, until eventually being suspended indefinitely, save for TMZ obtaining and posting the video.
Numerous legal experts I’ve spoken to believe Rice has an exceedingly strong case, and, considering it could be Week 10 or so before this hearing is resolved, it’s hard for them to conceive that Rice isn’t reinstated by Jones as part of her decision.

In the meantime, two former wives of NFL players have come forward to the Washington Post about “how the league, the union, coaches, and even cops encouraged them to stay silent.” Via Deadspin: More »

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