Welcome to Wednesday’s The Crap We Missed, an important day for us, where we learn that Leonardo DiCaprio‘s vaginotizing abilities may be hereditary. We’ve also got a shot of Ewan McGregor on the set of Happy Ending: The True Story of How I Got John Travolta To Pay Off My Mortgage, Geena Davis and Michelle Rodriguez in the battle of derpface, and Bill Clinton reacting a staffer’s practical joke of replacing his speech notes with Kelly Clarkson song lyrics.
Almost forgot, Paz de la Huerta‘s back and so are her trademark drunk sweats,
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According to a statement by the Las Vegas Police Department, Jose Canseco is being investigated for the rape of a fitness instructor who he’s apparently already named on Twitter like an idiot along with revealing her exact allegations and claiming he’ll take a polygraph test. Both of which he’s since taken down, yet still left these two gems at the top of his feed as of this post:
- Lets play truth or dare. I dare [victim's name] to tell the truth.
- Who wants to spend a day with jose. Come into my world if u can handle it.
I’ve never been accused of rape before, so for the record, I’m not speaking from experience here, but it’s probably not a good idea to start making ominous statements like, “Come into my world if u can handle it,” if you don’t want to sound like a rapist. That’s just begging for a warrant to dig under the pool, and judging by that statement again, I have a feeling Jose Canseco doesn’t want them to dig under the pool. In fact, did I say pool? Because I meant school. Let’s keep kids in school. Ahaha! (Please don’t hit me with a bat.)
Before everyone gets really confused, this is actually stripper Blac Chyna in Calabasas the other day who probably looks familiar because it’s who Amanda Bynes is literally trying to carve herself into. No, really. Via Fox News:
In a rare interview with In Touch, the actress-turned-Twitter-sensation explained that she modeled her new style after famed stripper Blac Chyna.
Like Chyna, Bynes has two shiny studded cheek piercings and sports bleach blonde hair. The 27-year-old former Nickelodeon star is also often photographed wearing heavy eye makeup, just like Chyna.
In related news, if you see a basketball pump in the background of Amanda Bynes’ 800 Twitter photos, call an ambulance, she’s trying to put it in her ass. (See, also: Car tires, Easter hams, Peter Dinklage.)
Now that it’s time to pick the news-meat off the bones of the Oklahoma tornado survivors, above is Wolf Blitzer not even entertaining the thought that maybe everybody in America isn’t a Christian – Or in light of recent events, might have rationally and logically thought, “Wait, if God is real, why did He just plow history’s largest tornado through an elementary school? Those were perfectly un-aborted kids!” – because he asked a woman not once, but twice if she “thanked the Lord” only to have her not only politely reply that she’s an atheist, but also show incredible poise and respect for anyone who did thank the Christian God. Granted, Wolf was in a red state that doesn’t want Big Government telling them to put safe rooms in their houses or schools, so the odds were with him, but that’s the kind of gross, overly-broad (not to mention clearly wrong) generalization I’d make in heartbeat, so right away you can see how badly he fucked up here.
Here’s a topless Miranda Kerr after having a wardrobe malfunction during a photo sh- Wait, why the hell are you even reading this? TOPLESS MIRANDA KERR. I even added the uncensored ones! Now go on, get outta here, ya crazy kids. God love ya. *tussles your hair*
Comedian April Macie stopped by Howard Stern on Monday where she recounted a tale about the time she went to a hotel party “five or six years ago” with Lance Armstrong who apparently is very open about asking women he just met to eat his anus. So right about now is where you want to start wondering if it was fair to tear him down because of all that doping for surely this man is our greatest athlete. Via Examiner.com:
“I went to use the bathroom, and I went in and Lance was bent over a bathtub and she was just face deep in his asshole… I was terrified. And then he came out and said: ‘Does your friend want in on a round too?’ and I was like: ‘Of taint tickling? I’m gonna take a pass’… I think it’s hilarious that he would ask without even knowing my first name – to eat his asshole. Like: ‘Do you want in on a round too? Of asshole eating?… I got pretty for the evening. I didn’t know he was going to ask me to eat his asshole later on.”
You’re probably noticing there are pics below of Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong from when they used to date back in 2008. That’s so the next time you watch one of her movies you can think to yourself, “Hey, I bet she ate Lance Armstrong’s butthole.” I’m an enhancer of entertainment experiences. It’s my hobby.
Photos: Getty / Flynet, Splash News