The Most Important People on The Internet:
Volume 4.23

September 13th, 2014 // 47 Comments

Now that our server has finally stopped crying and repeatedly scrubbing itself in the shower thanks to The Fappening, welcome to the triumphant return of The Most Important People on The Internet featuring a robust assortment of shit-tastical comments that I’ve been diligently curating over the past three weeks because you have no idea how sad my life is. That said, there are several of these that could’ve easily made it to the coveted final spot, and quite frankly, I’m still going back and forth between the one that made it and the sweet Walter Jr. (I’m sorry, Flynn.) joke. It’s like trying to pick which one of my kids gets to go off to college and which one has to drive a fork-lift in our dead-end town until his impotent rage ends in a fatal showdown with the police after a series of brutal, ritualistic murders. People make those kinds of decisions, right? Please say yes, or I’m going to have to rewrite this entire parenting book. There’s a whole chapter on choosing the right college so The Neglected One will paint his victims to look like Hamburglar. Goddammit.

The Crap We Missed – Friday 9.12.14

September 12th, 2014 // 294 Comments

Alright, folks, Photo Boy is still out of town. However, he was gracious enough to slap together The Crap We Missed last night because I never wiped his prints off that ice cream truck. (Inside joke. Or am I thinking of attorney-client privilege?) Anyway, you enjoy this while I fiddle with all the little widgets he usually updates and prep The Most Important People on The Internet which finally returns tomorrow after three weeks of server crashes and holiday weekends. That’s right, I’ve been watching. Always watching. And really like what you did with the bathroom. If your wife’s going to pee in it exactly 7.5 times a day, the tile might as well be nice. Friends should be able to say that to each other.

- The Superficial

Photos: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Everybody Hates Ariana Grande

September 12th, 2014 // 35 Comments
Only Shoot Me From The Left!
Ariana Grande Butt Panty Flash Upskirt Today Show Performance
Ariana Grande Is Demanding Read More »

“Oh, yeah, I like this.” – Someone with a probation officer

Earlier in the week, Ariana Grande was accused of being a 12-year-old (Shut up, that girl is 12. SHE’S 12!) pain in the ass diva in Australia which she naturally denied. Except here comes Giuliani Rancic with her own tale of dealing with Little Miss Only Shoot Me From The Left. Via Fishwrapper:

“I think she does have a little bit of a diva thing going on, I don’t know if that’s just part of the image she wants out there, like ‘I’m a young Mariah, I’m a diva,’ because I remember, I think it was at the AMAs, she came up on the platform, and normally I stand on this side [her left side] to the camera — I had to fight 13 years to get this side to the camera, it’s my good side, but I fought 13 years for this, OK? Little Ariana comes over, I feel like BING, elbow in my side, I’m like ‘what’s going on?’ and they push me to the other side. So I had to be on my ugly side. But I felt like a little bit of a, you know it was like ‘you either get on the other side or we don’t do an interview,’ and I just felt like it’s one thing if it’s Mariah, you know, I’ll get on any side, I’ll bend down, I’ll climb a ladder, whatever it takes to get Mariah to do an interview. But when you’re new on the block, when you’re trying to earn your stripes, you’re young, you just gotta do what you gotta do, try to get a great reputation, try to go overboard to please people.”

Keep in mind, Ariana is managed by Scooter Braun, the same man responsible for Justin Bieber, and his ability to turn little shitheads into even bigger shitheads practically qualifies as sorcery. Although, his clients do want to be shirtless all the time which would be awesome in Ariana’s case if I was a pedophile because I don’t give a fuck what Wikipedia says, that girl is 12. I’M NOT LEAVING UNTIL I SEE A BIRTH CERTIFICATE.

Photos: Splash News

Rihanna Song Pulled From Thursday Night Football

September 12th, 2014 // 12 Comments
Ray Rice Found Jesus
Ray Rice Ravens
Everything's All Better Now Read More »

“HAHAHAHA! I’mma haunt you forever.”

Thanks to Chris Brown beating the shit out of Rihanna for looking at his phone, CBS decided to pull “Run This Town” from last night’s Thursday Night Football so people won’t have to think about the NFL only giving Ray Rice a two-game suspension for punching out his fiance and dragging her out of an elevator while players caught smoking weed faced four-to-six game suspensions if not more. Or you can believe this crap about “tone.” Sports Illustrated reports:

CBS Sports chairman Sean McManus said the network has also pulled an opener featuring actor Don Cheadle doing narration over Jay Z’s “Run This Town,” which is sung by Rihanna. A comedic segment was also jettisoned.
“It’s important to realize we are not overreacting to this story but it is as big a story as has faced the NFL,” McManus told SI.com from Baltimore Thursday afternoon. “We thought journalistically and from a tone standpoint, we needed to have the appropriate tone and coverage. A lot of the production elements we wanted in the show are being eliminated because of time or tone.”

“Look, at the end of the day, we just want folks to be able to relax and enjoy an all-American game without thinking about domestic violence more than this PSA the publicists cooked up. No one at the NFL really cares what happens in your home should supper not be ready or the kids spill your cold, refreshing Coors Light with its crisp taste of the Rockies. They’re certainly not trying to send that message. They do, however, encourage everyone to consider Cialis and how it will let you fuck your wife all the time even if you’re old. That’s what she’s there for, right? Anyway, how about that kickoff? Back to you, Tom.”

Photos: Getty

Iggy Azalea Admits She’s In A Sex Tape, But Claims She Was Underage

September 12th, 2014 // 25 Comments

Up until about 30 minutes ago, I couldn’t tell you who or what an Iggy Azalea is, or how she’s standing next to Rita Ora because I just assumed they’re the same person, but now I know that she’s some sort of singer with a Twitter account who just yesterday denied making a sex tape:

I dont have a sex tape but for the record…
Anyone who releases or attempts to make profit off someone else’s intimate moments against their will is a sex offender.
& it honestly makes me sick to see the media encourage any other attitude towards those sorts of people, we should want to protect our women
and i really hope that america will follow Europe and their laws to better protect peoples privacy and fundamental rights.
and on that note, I’m off to get a manicure. peaaaaccceeeeeee outtttttt *drops the mic*

Except now her lawyers are telling TMZ, okay, maybe she’s in the sex tape, but she maybe didn’t know it was being filmed, and just in case that’s not enough, she maybe was also underage: More »

Oscar Pistorius Guilty of Culpable Homicide, Not Going To Jail

September 12th, 2014 // 18 Comments
Oscar Pistorius
Snot Guilty of Murder
Oscar Pistorius Snot Crying Court
It Helps To Be The Only Living Eyewitness Read More »

“Should I begin making with the snot?”
“Nah, kid, you ain’t going to jail. Save it for outside.”

Yesterday, Oscar Pistorius was found not guilty of murder despite firing a gun four times into a closed bathroom killing his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp who he “thought was an intruder” after just talking to her. However, people who like to get their panties in a bunch about “Internet outrage” cautioned that he would almost definitely be found guilty of culpable homicide and see the inside of a jail cell. Well, exactly one of those things happened. Try and guess which one. Reuters report:

Culpable homicide – South Africa’s equivalent to manslaughter – carries up to 15 years in prison but, given Pistorius’s lack of previous convictions, he could avoid a custodial sentence altogether, legal experts said.
“He’s almost certainly, in my opinion, not going to be going to jail,” criminal law expert Martin Hood told South Africa’s ENCA television.

Before white people starting shooting their wives/girlfriends through closed bathroom doors, keep in mind that this happened in South Africa, and I like how I just said that as if it means anything. Just pretend I’m not here.

Photos: Getty

Good Morning, Michelle Lewin, And Other News

September 12th, 2014 // 8 Comments

- Anna Wintour‘s 73 questions is a class study in non-fuck giving. [Lainey Gossip]

- Tori Spelling is going to pretend her marriage is in shambles for a second season. [Dlisted]

- Bouncing Breasts GIFS? Get in there. [theCHIVE]

- Mike Tyson responds well to being asked about that time he raped a woman. [Fishwrapper]

- Fleshlight will never forget 9/11. [The Frisky]

- Some stupid bitch went on Fox News and literally said Janay Rice knocked herself out. [Death and Taxes]

- A stripper’s suing Jerry Jones for making her watch him get a blowjob. “Allegedly.” [WWTDD]

- Sofia Vergara takes her huge, awesome breasts to the gym. [Popoholic]

- Teen Titans is getting its own live action show now. Yup. [Starpulse]

- Kirsten Dunst would be thinner if she wasn’t in a relationship. Okay… [tooFab]

- Migraines can often be linked to menstruation. Just sayin’. [IDLYITW]

- I want an Ola Brunath. Where’s the checkout button? [Hollywood Tuna]

- Julianne Moore‘s face might be stuck. [Celebslam]

- Ashley Sky poses for Galore. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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