Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed where I specifically chose this lead shot, not because it’s probably the creepiest photo I’ve ever seen, but because I think we can all agree that if Mitch Winehouse would’ve gone a little heavier on the whoopings, things could’ve turned out differently. See how awful, dumb and completely wrong that sounds? Cool, let’s move on. Actually, let’s keep the focus on parenting for a second with Weston Cage bringing his newborn to Chateau Marmont. Yes, that’s the place where they keep a suite made entirely of cocaine vacant for anytime Lindsay Lohan might drop in. Then there’s Kim and Kanye (sadly yes, they’re parents, which come to think of it, someone should probably remind them about that) who at this point look to me like their public appearances are the longest-running practical joke ever.
“Babe, pump up my butt more, it still fits in the doorway.”
“Hold up, this skidmark ain’t shavin’ itself onto my head!” – Actual conversation
- Photo Boy
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Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News
Back in July, Beyonce started changing song lyrics to make it sound she was getting a divorce which turned out to be a bullshit hoax to sell tickets. It was a lesson learned by everyone, and only an idiot would try pulling the same stunt twice, so here’s Jay Z changing song lyrics to make it sound like Beyonce’s pregnant now. Radar reports:
Jay Z reportedly made a surprise announcement that his wife Beyonce is expecting their second child during the pair’s On The Run tour stop in Paris last night.
According to French concertgoers, the rapper, 44, changed the lyrics in his song “Beach Is Better” to say “cause she pregnant with another one.”
Call my cynical, but I’m not believing a word of this shit until I see a stomach fold in half again followed by a surrogate’s lifeless body washing up on shore in a blood-stained hospital gown, the glimmer of a lavish lifestyle gone from her eyes, and wow, that got oddly specific. This is why you don’t beat your kids.
Now that I wrote a short novel about corporal punishment, here’s Demi Lovato lounging poolside in a bikini which is about as non-controversial as it gets until you find yourself wondering where Wilmer Valderrama is and start Googling local high schools to see if they had Homecoming dances this weekend. That’s where he feeds.
[Ed. Note: As I was writing this post, the Minnesota Vikings announced Adrian Peterson will be playing this Sunday because the NFL hates women and children as much as you do. They do interrupt a lot of games. - SW]
Because the Ray Rice elevator video wasn’t enough to remind everyone that the NFL has a serious domestic violence problem that it’s been fucking up for way too long, Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson was arrested Friday evening for reckless or negligent injury to a child after beating his four year old son with a switch. Keep in mind this is the same Adrian Peterson who lost a two-year-old son just last year when the child’s mother’s boyfriend viciously beat him to death. So lessons learned all around there because here’s the extent of this child’s injuries that were still visible a full week later. CBS Houston reports: More »
There’s nothing even close to natural about Nicki Minaj‘s ass, but apparently it’s not gargantuan enough for her live performances because here she is performing at Fashion Rocks where a photographer managed to catch a shot of her buttpad. Except in the spirit of Beyonce, the shot’s since been pulled from a photo agency who’s made it very clear that it will edit celebrity photos at the drop of a hat. As for why Nicki would have it pulled, I’m guessing so people won’t start to question the authenticity of her Anaconda cover which clearly looked all kinds of realistic until now. The important thing is she showed up in Paris with a bunch of underboob Friday night, so we can all can just look at that and stop thinking about whatever it is I was just saying. Secret photos, hidden buttpads? Where do I even get this stuff? I bet it’s drugs.
Photos: Getty / Abaca/AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet
Because Kanye West is an egomaniacal man-baby, he lost his shit not once but twice in Australia during two separate shows where audience members didn’t immediately stand up when he told them to. I mean, it’s not like they were in a wheelchair or something, except, oh wait, they were. So here’s what happened in Sydney Friday night because did I mention this happened twice? This happened twice. The Daily Mail reports:
An eyewitness told Daily Mail Australia Kanye had refused to perform until the crowd were on their feet, saying, ‘I can’t do this song, I can’t do this show until everybody stand up.
‘Unless you got a handicap pass and you get special parking and s**t.
‘Imma see you if you ain’t standing up, believe me, I’m very good at that.’
When the musician saw a concertgoer waving a prosthetic limb to explain why they weren’t dancing, he acknowledged them, saying: ‘Okay, you fine!’
But when another fan remained seated, he stopped the song Good Life, saying, ‘This is the longest I’ve had to wait to do a song, it’s unbelievable,’ before sending bodyguard Pascal Duvier into the arena to check whether the person was in fact in a wheelchair- which they were.
‘The crowd was also yelling that he was in a wheelchair but he waited for Pascal’s confirmation,’ the witness said, while others said the crowd made ‘wheelchair motions’ to alert the singer to his mistake.
‘When he sent Pascal up there he said, ‘He is in a wheelchair? It’s fine!’ the witness reported.
That’s right. Kanye West stopped an entire concert to wait for his bodyguard to verify that a man who wasn’t standing when he said stand was actually in a wheelchair. Which is already ridiculous enough on its face except here’s Kanye just two days earlier in Melbourne not learning a goddamn thing: More »
- Michael Che jumps from The Daily Show to Weekend Update. [Lainey Gossip]
- Lindsay Lohan claims she handled Whitney Houston‘s body bag. [Dlisted]
- Sunday Is A Good Day For Lingerie [theCHIVE]
- Selena Gomez keeps getting hotter – so Justin Bieber won’t leave her. Goddammit. [Fishwrapper]
- I thought you were cool, Canada. [The Frisky]
- Luma Groethe goes topless for Vogue. [WWTDD]
- CBS told Kathy Griffith it wasn’t considering women to replace Craig Ferguson. [Death and Taxes]
- I’m not sure I’d call Julianne Hough‘s cleavage “impressive.” [Popoholic]
- The Amy Winehouse statue will haunt your dreams. [Starpulse]
- Apparently Allison Janney is a goddamn ninja. [tooFab]
- Anastasia Ashley‘s ass is still a work of art. [IDLYITW]
- Good God, Yara Khmidan. [Hollywood Tuna]
- The Sexiest Social Media Pics of The Week [Celebslam]
- Scout and Tallulah Willis are topless again. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
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Now that our server has finally stopped crying and repeatedly scrubbing itself in the shower thanks to The Fappening, welcome to the triumphant return of The Most Important People on The Internet featuring a robust assortment of shit-tastical comments that I’ve been diligently curating over the past three weeks because you have no idea how sad my life is. That said, there are several of these that could’ve easily made it to the coveted final spot, and quite frankly, I’m still going back and forth between the one that made it and the sweet Walter Jr. (I’m sorry, Flynn.) joke. It’s like trying to pick which one of my kids gets to go off to college and which one has to drive a fork-lift in our dead-end town until his impotent rage ends in a fatal showdown with the police after a series of brutal, ritualistic murders. People make those kinds of decisions, right? Please say yes, or I’m going to have to rewrite this entire parenting book. There’s a whole chapter on choosing the right college so The Neglected One will paint his victims to look like Hamburglar. Goddammit.