Welcome to Wednesday’s The Crap We Missed, which occurs on the day we found out Pope Francis was named Time‘s Person of the Year for essentially telling everyone to please, just please start being nice to each other. Seriously, that’s it. The most influential person of the year’s big message is “Stop being cunts. All of you.” And if you were raised Catholic like me (The answer is no, shockingly, no it never happened.), then we’re to believe God himself just called his greatest creation a bunch of greedy, self-interested assholes. Trust me, the irony of me even acknowledging any of this on a tit site and within a feature that is built solely on malice and lust is not lost on me, but maybe that type of self-awareness is at least a starting point.
Am I still including this picture of a dog genitals in here? Yep. Someone’s going to get to post tits online in Hell and I don’t intend to have any gaps in my resume.
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While performing in San Antonio Sunday night, a fan yelled at Kanye to take his mask off which prompted him to flip the fuck out and kick her out of the show, but not before saying a bunch of crazy shit about how he’s Miles Davis, Biggie Smalls and Tupac. Via Gawker:
“You can see my face on the Internet every motherfucking day,” Kanye retorted. “I came here, I open up a mountain … and you tryin’ to tell me how to give you my art.”
Though he didn’t compare himself to Nelson Mandela, Kanye did launch into a seemingly extemporaneous autotuned freestyle in which he “explained” the need for the mask before grouping himself with the likes of Miles Davis, the Notorious B.I.G., and Tupac, owing to the fact that all three, like him, are Gemini.
Yeezy then signaled to security to eject the undeserving philistine from his concert.
“Do I look like a motherfucking comedian?” the sad clown asked, most likely rhetorically. “Don’t fucking heckle me. I’m Kanye motherfucking West.”
Wait, wait, wait, he’s opening up a mountain? Holy shit, I didn’t know he brings Kim Kardashian‘s ass on stage. Why don’t you people tell me these things? So what does he do? Spread it open with a bedazzled jaws of life? Make Lady GaGa pop out of it? GIVE ME THE SECRETS OF ASS MOUNTAIN.
Presumably because she’s a powerful witch who can see terrible events in the future – I once saw her pull a whole lamp out of a purse. A purse! – Julie Andrews did not watch NBC’s live production of The Sound of Music starring Carrie Underwood because she had a, uh, speaking engagement. Yes, speaking engagement. That’s the ticket! Via Huffpost:
More than 18 million television viewers watched Carrie Underwood perform the role of Maria last week in NBC’s “The Sound of Music Live!”
But Julie Andrews wasn’t among them.
Andrews, who starred in the 1965 Oscar-winning film adaptation of the Rodgers & Hammerstein classic, explained, “Alas, I did not (see it). I had a speaking engagement and I couldn’t. But my kids did record it. I’ll get around to it.”
When reached for comment, Carrie Underwood suggested that Julie Andrews read a few verses of scripture. Specifically Genesis 1:1 through Revelations 22:21. “That should probably cover it,” she added.
Photos: Getty / Spalsh News
On Monday, the entire Internet remembered Tila Tequila was still a thing that’s out there then quickly learned she’s been spending her time on Facebook trying to start the Fourth Reich whenever she’s not revealing who really killed Paul Walker (Spoiler Alert: It’s Jews.) And apparently Facebook had no idea either because it took until yesterday to ban her and the Hitler’s Big Titty Youth with an InfoWars glaze cake she was baking:
So I find it quite absurd that jewbook bans me for yet another 30 days then warns me that they will delete my page totally if I do not “FOLLOW THEIR RULES AND BE A GOOD GOYIM!” – Jewbook bans me constantly for nothing yet I CONSTANTLY see other profiles posting PORN, and saying much worse things on their pages like “NIGGER” and “FAGGOT” and they even have people posting up pictures on my jewbook page posting racial slurs against other people as well as numerous threats to kill me! Yet, do you see them get banned? NOPE! But the second I write a blog about how I sympathize with Hitler, I immediately get banned for 30 days AND they have removed majority of my posts. So now their jewbook shills and other mainstream media news outlets, which has now spread like wildfire, are saying that I deleted my posts!!!! I smell something fishy and it’s coming from jewbook shills!
In related news, Hitler’s Ghost appeared in Berlin where it gave the following statement: “Today, I, the ghost of Herr Fuhrer, hereby declare the Jew to be a proud and noble race and no longer the subject of conspiracy and bigotry. I also offer my sincerest apologies for this ‘Tila Tequila.’ The gas chambers, the genocide, and what have you were all perfectly fine and in accordance with the day, but I can not haunt this realm in good conscience knowing my work has been taken to this extreme. I mean, what the fuck’s a ‘jewbook?’ Who even knows what she’s talking about? Anyway, Paul Walker was killed by Mayans. You heard it here first. Hitler out.”
Photos: Splash News
Following the shitfest over Brandi Glanville saying Joyce Giraud can’t swim because she’s black, Brandi defended herself on her Bravo blog by saying she can’t be racist because black penises sometimes go into her vagina:
To start off, I have been in several romantic relationships over the years with African American men and still have close relationships with those ex-boyfriends even now. For over 20 years now, I have had girlfriends from pretty much every ethnical background. Sometimes (actually a lot of times) these girlfriends and I joke inappropriately with each other. These jokes are clearly not ready for TV.
In Brandi Glanville’s defense, at least she took it a step further than just saying, “I have a black friend” Although, it probably wouldn’t have hurt to have added that the first word’s out of Gerard Butler‘s mouth were, “Tell me, lass, dinya have kids, or ya just been with a lot of brothas? Ol’ Gerard don’na care either way. He’s just always a wee bit curious whenever those Porta-potty fumes start waftin’ in. *takes a deep breath* Aye, that’s fresh.”
Photos: Jeff Rayner/Coleman-Rayner
If you happened to see photos of Gisele Bundchen looking fucking fantastic at the Oral B event in Sao Paolo yesterday, what you might not have known is that right before going on stage, a baby was sucking on her breasts. But now you do because Gisele wanted to share that moment with you and usher in a new age where women can breastfeed in public and cause all the boners they want. I’m 90% positive that’s what she was going for here. The Brazilians have always been a very free and open people with huge asses. I saw it on the Internet.
Photos: Instagram, AGSP/AKM-GSI, Splash News