Jessica Simpson Has Legs? HOLY SHIT

December 22nd, 2014 // Leave a Comment

Just to give you an idea of how rough it’s going to be over the next few days, Jessica Simpson’s legs are a top story right now. A human woman possessing two lower limbs. That’s the news right now. Not the fact that Jessica Simpson’s letting everyone know she’s Batman and will rain justice down upon the streets of Gotham because her parents were murdered. Or just divorced because her dad turned out to be secretly gay. Close enough.

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Photo: Instagram

Kourtney Kardashian’s Baby Is Our King Apparently

December 22nd, 2014 // 4 Comments
Back Where It All Started
Khloe Kardashian Butt Kourtney Pregnant
Plus A Sasquatch Butt Read More »

Because she’s the hot one, I like to pretend Kourtney Kardashian is better than the rest of her family except that requires ignoring the fact she keeps letting Scott Disick put babies in her. Which gets harder and harder to do after each kid because they’re up to three now, and this one Kourtney named Reign because she actually believes all that “the Kardashians are American royalty” horseshit. Via Hollywood Life:

“Kourtney wanted a completely unique name, she wanted him to represent a ruler and Sovereign Disick doesn’t have the same ring to it as Reign Disick,” a source dished to EXCLUSIVELY. “Plus Kourtney really believes all the talk when people say that the Kardashians are American royalty, so she really took that to heart and wanted her son to continue that legacy.

According to myth, another child king was born around this time of a year, but now we’re being told this kid is our new ruler, so I feel pretty safe saying Kourtney Kardashian’s son is the Antichrist. That’s right, I just called a newborn child the Beast of the Apocalypse. That’s what I’m doing with my life. And putting a fake 666 tattoo on my forehead because the real ones fucking hurt. This kid has to meet me in the middle.

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Photo: DuJour

Good Morning, Cassie Cardelle, And Other News

December 22nd, 2014 // 1 Comment

- Gwyneth Paltrow‘s into Tantra now. [Lainey Gossip]

- Scott Disick seems really, really awesome to be the person you can’t stop having kids with. [Fishwrapper]

- Elton John and Lance Bass had competing weddings. I’ll let an expert handle this. [Dlisted]

- The Strong And Flexible Caitlin Rice [theCHIVE]

- Vaccines are making kids gay now. Of course. [The Frisky]

- Goddamn, Vita Sidorkina… [WWTDD]

- Obama says Sony fucked up by pulling The Interview. [Death and Taxes]

- Hilary Duff in yoga pants. [Popoholic]

- Natasha Galkina will blow your mind. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Rita Pereira won the week. [COED]

- That is Reese Witherspoon topless. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: FameFlynet

The Most Important People on The Internet:
Volume 4.33

December 20th, 2014 // 23 Comments

Welcome to this week’s installment of The Most Important People on The Internet, and possibly the last one for the year unless you fuckers bring it over the holiday like you did this week which I’m not at all ruling out. On that note, huge thanks for one of the best assortments we’ve had in a while. There’s a goddamn Naked Gun quote, that’s how good it is and why we should move in together. Please. It’s so cold at night.

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The Crap We Missed – Friday 12.19.14

December 19th, 2014 // 308 Comments

Welcome to Friday’s The Crap We Missed, a surprisingly large collection not only for a Friday, but the LAST SHOPPING FRIDAY BEFORE CHRISTMAS!!1 *runs naked into mall, punches Santa* Am I handling holiday stress correctly? Anyway, today’s TCWM is mostly just all the boobies from last night’s People Magazine Awards which I assume are given out for humanitarian efforts and/or having giant dicks. So enjoy that while Fish and I fill out these applications to be on next year’s nominating committee.

Do I go with ‘Tit Pic Genie’ or ‘Captain Nipples?’ You’re right, captain sounds way more official,

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Splash News

Marissa Mayer Wouldn’t Hire Gwyneth Paltrow Without A College Degree

December 19th, 2014 // 19 Comments
Gwyneth Paltrow
The War On Martha
Gwyneth Paltrow Imagine1day Annual Gala Honoring Tracy Anderson
Gwyneth Paltrow Has To Try Harder Than This Read More »

While this story is ultimately one of many piss-poor business decisions that will eventually drive Yahoo! into the ground, it does involve Gwyneth Paltrow being deemed “less than,” so my pants are already off. This is happening, people. Just embrace it. The New York Times reports:

Even though the actress Gwyneth Paltrow had created a best-selling cookbook and popular lifestyle blog, Mayer, who habitually asked deputies where they attended college, balked at hiring her as a contributing editor for Yahoo Food. According to one executive, Mayer disapproved of the fact that Paltrow did not graduate college.

Granted, Marissa Mayer hired Katie Couric who’s giving Stephen Collins a platform to spew his child molester apologetics, the important thing is Gwyneth Paltrow was told “no,” and Jesus’s secret wife! Mop. I need a mop. And someone to reset my pelvis because I’m pretty sure it just did a 180. – *looks down* – Nope, that’s a 270. Medic!

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Photo: Getty

Charli XCX’s Breasts Are Back

December 19th, 2014 // 16 Comments

I still don’t know who or what a Charli XCX is, or why her name is a Bratz doll, but I do know you people will click the hell out of her breasts, so here they are at the Jingle Ball in Chicago last night because I show you the occasional boob, and then you make me mone- oh, God, I’m your wife. I’m your wife in this transaction. And you didn’t even notice my hair!

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Photos: Getty

Stephen Collins: ‘I’m Not A Pedophile’

December 19th, 2014 // 43 Comments
Stephen Collins
Jesus Forgave Me
Stephen Collins
Everything's All Better Now! Read More »

To most people, when you force three young girls roughly ten years of age to pleasure you sexually, that’s basically the exact definition of a pedophile. But if you’re Stephen Collins, flawed human being who’s been forgiven by the love of Christ, that doesn’t count. You’re merely a person who gave into “distortion in thinking.” A small “oopsie” if you will. Three times. With children. That people know of. Gawker reports:

“A pedophile is someone who is mainly or wholly attracted to children. I’m not,” he tells Couric. “I had a distortion in my thinking where I acted out in those ways. But I’m absolutely not attracted, physically or sexually attracted to children. I’m just not.”
Couric follows up, asking the actor, “If you’re not a pedophile, then how would you describe your particular pathology?”After a pregnant pause, he responds, “I think I’m someone who gave in, several times, to exhibitonistic urges. Someone who had big boundary issues as a young man and beyond that… to an extent.”

And because Stephen Collins no longer has an agent or a publicist who should’ve never in a million years let this interview happened, he proceeded to say how a woman once exposed himself to him when he was “10 or 15″ – one of those – but not that he’s blaming her for his actions. You could infer that, but he’s not explicitly saying that. Just so we’re all clear on this incident that might conveniently excuse molesting kids if you wanted to look at it that way. Again, your choice: More »

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