Welcome to Wednesday’s The Crap We Missed where we show you the pics Fish didn’t have a specific penis joke for. 30 Seconds To A Dude On Dude Threeway On Mars? That’s why I don’t have that job. Anyway, here’s Madonna‘s infant-skin wrangler making a rare public appearance, Prince Charles showing the proper amount of stopping distance needed to fake a limo wreck, Gwyenth Paltrow expanding her stable of black friends, but with the usual safety precautions of heavy sedation and from behind a partition, and finally, Orlando Jones who’s been using Russell Simmons‘ Match.com account.
Busy Philipps is looking about five, maybe six months away from her due date according to the Kim Kardashian pregnancy timeline,
- Photo Boy
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Photo: Bauer-Griffin, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN
“A ha! Ahaha! *wipes tears* I’m sorry, sugah, I coulda sworn you said the one behind me was going to read. Could you imagine?”
When we last left Paula Deen, she was being sued after her brother and Uncle Bubba’s Oyster House co-owner allegedly sexually harassed kitchen manager Lisa Jackson whenever he wasn’t busy letting Paula plan him a wedding full of tap dancing niggers. Yup:
According to the court documents, Jackson states that she was appointed by Deen to handle the catering and staff for Bubba’s wedding in 2007, and she asked Deen what the servers should wear: “Well what I would really like is a bunch of little niggers to wear long-sleeve white shirts, black shorts and black bow ties, you know in the Shirley Temple days, they used to tap dance around,” Jackson alleges Deen told her. “Now, that would be a true Southern wedding wouldn’t it? But we can’t do that because the media would be on me about that.”
And while that sounds like something most normal people would recognize they should never, ever admit to saying. Most normal people aren’t an old, rich, white southern woman like Paula Deen whose resistance to change hardens after every year and sugar pone pie stuffed with sugar ham. To her, those words were as genteel and cordially as a game of gin rummy over mint juleps as the Negroes work themselves in the field before being chained to the hogs. My those were such splendid times. Splendid times Paula Deen doesn’t mind recalling in the middle of a legal deposition where I’ll assume her lawyer was too busy fighting off blindness to tackle her after eating a donut from her purse. “I call it a Fudgeton Creme.” Radar reports: More »
Because making a sex tape requires work and might confirm she was born a man, Courtney Stodden needed a new plan quickly before Farrah Abraham squirted her into obscurity. And to her credit, she came up with “Watch me get new tits!” which somehow worked because we’re all looking right at them. It’s practically witchcraft.
Photos: Glen McCurtayne/Coleman-Rayner
Remember when Miley Cyrus was a sweet, little country singer and folks would come into FYE asking if you have them “Hanner Montanner DBDs ’cause it’s such an adorable daddy/daughter show and my granddaughter just loves it?” She’s Rihanna now. Miley Cyrus is Rihanna. Although, on the bright side, your granddaughter can smack her ass now, so let’s not look a gift horse in the mouth. (That’s where her kind hide their gold.)
Right around two weeks ago, Kim Kardashian suddenly didn’t want the paparazzi taking pictures of her anymore despite that being the one thing that defines her that isn’t a sex tape. Except the obvious reason is she was the size of a house and looked exactly like a woman at the natural end of her pregnancy who could fire out a baby at any second. Which isn’t good when you’re trying to sell People magazine a story that your nameless newborn is a fragile preemie who could totally die, you guys:
Admitted June 14 due to complications, Kardashian – whom sources confirm was about 37 weeks pregnant – went into premature labor.
West, meanwhile, who’d returned from promoting his new album Yeezus in Europe just hours before, rushed to her side.
Though she’s been spending time in an incubator to regulate her body temperature, a standard course of treatment for premature babies, Baby K – whose parents have nearly decided on a name – is “doing very well,” says a hospital source.
As a precaution, Kim Kardashian has asked doctors if it’s possible to leave the child in the incubator until she’s 18. Preferably at the hospital, but she could clear out a closet if she has to. God, kids, amirite?
Photos: Splash News
John Mayer threw a hissy fit when Taylor Swift wrote “Dear John’ about him because writing songs about your ex is bush league. Except at some point when he should’ve been spending every waking minute suffocating between Katy Perry‘s breasts, he decided to get Taylor back by writing his own song about her, according to women who understand song lyrics. Which makes perfect sense because it’s not like John Mayer’s ever said the following words about exactly what he’s doing:
“I will say as a songwriter that I think it’s kind of cheap songwriting,” he says. “I know she’s the biggest thing in the world, and I’m not trying to sink anybody’s ship, but I think it’s abusing your talent to rub your hands together and go, ‘Wait till he gets a load of this!’ That’s bullshit.”
See? Completely different situation. Now that that’s cleared up, wait till Taylor Swift gets a load of this!
‘Paper Doll’ Video After The Jump