The Crap We Missed – Monday 9.29.14

September 29th, 2014 // 433 Comments

Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed which you may notice isn’t the full forty pics it usually is after a weekend harvest of celebrity horseshit. I’m attributing this to one of two things. 1.) Everything is just a little different, if not slightly duller since George Clooney got married. To assholes like Fish and I in celebrity gossip, this was the equivalent of a 9.7 magnitude earthquake. He was supposed to fight the good fight…we looked up to him…what do we do now, WHAT DO WE DO NOW?! 2.) TCWM committed suicide after the run of the last four pics in the gallery starting here.

There’s no excuse for what I’ve done, but I won’t apologize. You start a daily log to give your boss progress reports on Bruce Jenner‘s breast size, leg hair laser removal, ponytail length, ect and see what kind of monster you become,

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Lena Dunham Thinks Artists Should Work For Free

September 29th, 2014 // 32 Comments
Lena Dunham
You Described Instagram
Lena Dunham SXSW
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Lena Dunham landed a $3.7 million advance for her upcoming book Not That Kind of Girl which she’ll promote with an 11-city tour at a cost of $38 per ticket. It will feature a variety of artists who won’t see a dime of that money because their art isn’t special like her writing art, so they can eat bags of (leftover) dicks. The New York Times reports via Gawker:

Last month, the writer, actor and producer Lena Dunham started an ambitious project. Nearly 600 people responded to an open call for video auditions on her website, including a sand artist, a ukulele player, a cappella singers, gymnasts, performance artists and stand-up comics, even some exceptionally charismatic babies.
The seven who made the final cut won’t be making cameos in “Girls,” Ms. Dunham’s HBO show about Brooklyn 20-somethings. Instead, they’ll be the warm-up acts — performing free of charge — on an elaborately produced, 11-city tour to promote Ms. Dunham’s new book, “Not That Kind of Girl.”

If there’s one thing millenials rightly complain about it, it’s being trapped in a cycle of unpaid internships and/or working for free with promises of “exposures.” So it only seems fitting that their voice would piss right in their faces because she was born rich and couldn’t give less fucks. Plus Lena Dunham needs that money to buy giant bow-tie.. things which is why you never trust anyone who wears the same twee shit as you. (Write that down.)

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Photo: Getty

Kelly Brook’s Single Again

September 29th, 2014 // 22 Comments

Kelly Brook and David McIntosh reportedly broke up and surprisingly the reason wasn’t, “His dick was a boner all the time,” which would make sense, but according to the Daily Mail, it’s because he cheated on her giant, awesome breasts which doesn’t make sense. Maybe I’m putting too much emphasis on them, but if they told me to wage jihad, I’d start taking pilot lessons. That’s just me and my ability to commit if Kelly happens to be reading this. And skipping that jihad part. They make me put that in there.

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Photos: Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN

Emily Ratajkowski & Reese Witherspoon In Red

September 29th, 2014 // 17 Comments

You’re probably thinking it’s a dick move to put Reese Witherspoon in a gallery with Emily Ratajkowski, and that I’m only doing it to make another joke about her being pregnant. And you’re right, but before I make the voices stop, I’d like to take a second to compliment Reese for holding her own even while wearing almost the exact same dress. A lesser woman would’ve shrunk from the challenge, but Reese Witherspoon not only stabbed adversity with her chin but yelled, “Fuck you, I’m pregnant!” right into its face. I saw the whole thing.

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Photos: JosiahW / MPNC / AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

‘Please, Just Let Me Look At Fashion With My Tits And My Baby’

September 29th, 2014 // 32 Comments

“Guys, guys, please. I’m just a working mom trying to sit front row at a Paris fashion show with my tits and my baby. And Kanye West. I don’t know how you always show up when I’m out with my tits and my baby, and Kanye West, but you probably think I’m going to get tackled again with my tits and my baby. And Kanye West. Well, let me tell you one thing I’d never pay a Ukrainian comedian to tackle: My tits and my baby. Not that I paid one the first time nor is it convenient that happened while I didn’t have my tits and my baby out. You know what? Let’s look at my tits and my baby now. Have you seen my tits and my baby? Let them into your mind…”

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Photos: Abaca / Vantagenews / Xposure / AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Jennifer Lopez & Leah Remini Hit By Drunk Driver

September 29th, 2014 // 26 Comments
Jennifer Lopez & Iggy Azalea
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According to Jennifer Lopez‘s Instagram, she has a butt. And while that seems as good a place as any to wrap this post up because its work here is done, she also apparently got hit by a drunk driver on Saturday while sitting at a red light with Leah Remini and their kids in the car. Fortunately, nobody was hurt except for JLo who only speaks in hashtags now:

Sitting at a light, Riding high right before some drunk fool rear ended us in my new whip!!! Thank god everyone ok!!! #GRATEFUL #THANKYOUGOD #DontdrinkandDrive!!!! #cursedthatfoolout #theBronxcameout #dontmesswithmycocnuts #mamabear #leahstayedcalm #thatwasweird

According to police reports, the driver identified himself as “Com Truise” before levitating into the air with telekinetic space beams, so good luck figuring out whoever that was. It might as well have been a ghost.

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We Live In A World Where George Clooney Is Married

September 29th, 2014 // 37 Comments
George Clooney Is Engaged
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“Alzheimer’s. Had it for months now. So who’s the poor shmuck getting married?”

If someone walked up to me and said, “Hey, did you hear George Clooney got married?” I’d punch that person square in the mouth for telling a lie so ridiculous I’d have legal grounds to sue for custody of his kids and win. And that’s with knowing George Clooney’s been engaged since April and just had a wedding two days ago. Except here we are because not only did he actually marry Amal Alamuddin*punches self in face* You sonofabitch! – he didn’t even execute her at the altar as a warning to future girlfriends which I bet significant amounts of money would happen and now have to change my identity. (I mean, pay Meatball Tony first thing tomorrow. Haha! *looks for passport*) Which raises the important question of who the hell did she catch him fucking? Because right now my short list is Kate Middleton and one of Brad Pitt‘s kids. And if that last one seems out of line, George Clooney got married. Everything’s on the table.

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Photos: CIAO/Xposure/AKM-GSI

Jesus, Maitland Ward, Let Me Get Some Coffee First And Other News

September 29th, 2014 // 20 Comments

- Total Recall probably didn’t help Jessica Biel land a part in True Detective. [Lainey Gossip]

- Chelsea Clinton had a baby. [Dlisted]

- There Are Sexy Chivers Among Us [theCHIVE]

- Okay, the NFL isn’t all bad. You got me. [The Mighty]

- But just in case, Adrianne Curry promises to murder her son if he beats woman. [Fishwrapper]

- Chris Pratt on SNL just exploded the Internet’s panties. [The Frisky]

- Tyler Perry got a woman pregnant? That can’t be right. [WWTDD]

- This American Life didn’t drop-kick shit. These assholes will still be our ruling class. [Death and Taxes]

- That’s Vanessa Hudgens‘ ass in leggings. [Popoholic]

- Avril Lavigne turned 30 without Chad Kroeger. [tooFab]

- Settle down, Demi Lovato. [IDLYITW]

- Amanda Cerny getting an ice cream facial, anyone? [Hollywood Tuna]

- The Sexiest Social Media Pics of The Week [Celebslam]

- Goddamn, Mara Teigen. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Splash News

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