Brooklyn Decker is your 2010 SI Swimsuit Cover
And now for the most pivotal news of the year. (I'd say "of our lives" but then what will I say next year? Even though it would apply.):
Here's Brooklyn Decker on the cover of the 2010 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. You might remember her from some such posts as all these chicks in swimsuits and her August 2009 spread in GQ. As for me, I'll always associate her with how I felt on this morning: Imminent snow on the horizon. Steaming cup of coffee wafting the air. Sweet, old neighbor lady frozen in horror because I left the curtains open. *breathes deeply* Ah! What a day. Is she still looking?
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Jon Gosselin brings the ladies?
With TLC and Jon Gosselin about to reach a settlement that ends with him letting his kids go back on TV so he doesn't live in a goddamn shoe, his lawyer is now angling to get him back on TV because - wait for it - Jon Gosselin is a housewife magnet. Not even joking:
"The show is based on female demographics," he told RadarOnline.com. "You have housewives watching. They want to see what Jon Gosselin is going to do next. They don't care about Kate that much.
"She is not the ratings draw he is."
While my initial reaction to this statement was to laugh my fucking ass off, I realized Jon Gosselin's love life actually does look like a buffet line at Ponderosa. Also, I'm pretty sure 90% of the appeal of that show was to see if he'd finally fly off the handle and murder Kate in front of the kids at Dutch Wonderland. Don't act like you weren't waiting for it. "Oh, shit, she told him to stop eating funnel cakes in front of the camera crew. Load the gun, Jon. LOAD IT!"
Beyonce goes Brazilian and other news
- Bradley Cooper should've used Renee Zellweger as a spotter. [Lainey Gossip]
- Angelina Jolie probably won't be saving Haiti with margaritas and Sheryl Crow in a bikini. [PopEater]
- Peaches Geldof was a bad choice. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
- Jamie Lynn Spears has a new man. I wonder what they'll name their kid in nine months... [Celebslam]
- Nancy Kerrigan's father's death ruled a homicide. [Just Jared]
- Lindsay Lohan takes blasphemy to a place I only thought existed in dreams. [The Blemish]
- Jake Gyllenhaal apparently hasn't realized banging groupie's is God's medicine. [PopSugar]
- Betty White would mop the floor with the SNL cast. [Betty Confidential]
- Howard Stern might seriously judge American Idol. [Socialite Life]
- Kim Kardashian actually waited 24 hours before sucking the fame out of Reggie Bush's Super Bowl win. That's impressive. [Bossip]
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JWoww understands television
Like any woman with fake tits and absolutely zero redeeming personal qualities, Jersey Shore's JWoww reached the inevitable conclusion that they should probably be bigger. Page Six reports:
She was spotted Friday visiting the Long Island offices of plastic surgeon Dr. Stephen Greenberg, a breast specialist who also has offices on Park Avenue. A source told us, "She wants to get it done as soon as possible to be ready for the new season."
You know what? Good for her. If you shouldn't have even been on TV the first time, at least have the decency to make your tits a goddamn freak of nature the second time. And not just because that little Ewok thing will get stuck in them and no one notices until her tiny skeleton falls out during the reunion show clutching no less than 500 condoms. -- I swear, It's like I can see the future.
Jennifer Aniston saved Mexico, everybody
Jennifer Aniston explains how she's just like Jesus by choosing to spend her 41st birthday in Mexico. Via People:
Why did she choose Mexico where she has gone many times before? "These people survive on us coming down and spending money," Aniston explains. Considering the country's troubles with swine flu and drug trafficking, "It sort of made sense to sort of say, 'Hey, let's help out Mexico.' "
PEPE: ¡Gracias a dios! The Hollywood women are finally here to drink their margaritas at a private resort.
PEPITO: Papa, are we saved now?
PEPE: Yes, mi hijo. Oh, look at them shoo away my cousin Miguel for daring to make eye contact. ¡Gracias a Hollywood! ¡Gracias!
More Bikini Pics of Jennifer Aniston in Mexico
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Michael Jackson preferred an audience while pissing in jars
So apparently Michael Jackson liked to pee in jars while people watched. Why not? TMZ reports:
TMZ first published the autopsy findings yesterday. Among the items found in the bedroom where Dr. Conrad Murray was treating Michael Jackson -- "a closed bottle of urine atop a chair."
Back in November, we posted a story about Dr. Arnold Klein, who told us that Michael Jackson had a habit of peeing in cups and other objects, often in front of others.
Dr. Klein told TMZ today Jackson would pee in any object that was available and it all stemmed from necessity. "That's how he peed," Klein said.
I don't know about you, but this is the first news item about Michael Jackson that actually makes him sound normal to me. No, really, he's basically a slight variation of that guy who randomly starts talking to you at the urinal. Sure, we're complete strangers, but our dicks are out so why not talk about the weather? You really can't argue with that logic.
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Charlie Sheen's tender court date of love
Charlie Sheen was charged in Aspen court yesterday with felony menacing, third-degree assault and criminal mischief after he allegedly held a knife to his wife Brooke Mueller's throat and threatened to kill her on Christmas night. Fortunately Brooke bravely attended the hearing to assist prosecutors. Except not really she was there to support Charlie and drop the restraining order. Whee! Us Magazine reports:
Sheen, 44, could face one to three years in prison if convicted for the menacing charge. (Third-degree assault and criminal mischief are both misdemeanors.) Sheen has not entered a plea for the charges.
In the same hearing, Judge James Boyd lifted a protective order preventing Sheen and his wife, 32, from communicating. The modification comes after the couple had mutually requested they be allowed contact in order to mend their marriage.
Sheen's attorney Richie Cummins assured Judge Boyd that his client "has taken a number of steps" to work on his problems with anger management and alcohol.
At the end of the hearing, Sheen and Mueller got up and hugged each other warmly but left the courthouse separately.
"Don't worry, Charlie honey, we'll get through this. It's just like that time you forgot our anniversary. I'll make you buy something really expensive to get over it. Tee hee! -- I'm kidding. It's all your money and I swear I never touch your credit cards. Oh, God, don't put me back in the box! I'll be good!"
On that note, have we narrowed down a date when Brooke Mueller's going to die? I'm going with Fourth of July because Charlie Sheen's like a bad movie serial killer who only attacks on holidays.
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Jennifer Aniston's blurry nipple
I put off posting these all day because, personally, I prefer a naked Anna Torv and Blake Lively through a telephoto lens over a pack of cougars in bikinis. Fortunately that move paid off because I had time to notice Jennifer Aniston's right breast is completely hanging out while she's talking to Sheryl Crow in Mexico over the weekend. Granted the pic is a tad blurry, but that's definitely an areola and nipple. Trust me, I own a magnifying glass and one of those Sherlock Holmes hats so it's impossible for me to tell a lie.
....
My penis fires Tiffany's gift cards. And sometimes shoes.
Scope Out (28) Pics of Jennifer Aniston, Courteney Cox & Sheryl Crow After the Jump
Megan Fox's breasts are still making movies and other news
- Brangelina suing over break-up rumors. [Lainey Gossip]
- Kendra Wilkinson wasn't crying because of the Super Bowl last night. [PopEater]
- Snaggletooth lives! [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
- Taylor Lautner must've seen a shoe sale down there. [Celebslam]
- Kate Gosselin goes to Butter now. Of course. [Just Jared]
- A-Rod really loves 'em old and sinewy. [The Blemish]
- Robert Pattinson is buying underwear and you're going to look at it. Don't deny it. [PopSugar]
- Megan Fox used a hand double in her Super Bowl ad. Which makes sense on account of the children watching. [Amy Grindhouse]
- Jessica Alba thinks rumors her husband made out with Lindsay Lohan are ridiculous. I mean, clearly, his face hasn't been melted off by acidy coke spit. [ICYDK]
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Blake Lively in a bikini
You know that feeling when you see your first child being born then hold him or her in your arms and realize between buckets of tears your life is never going to be the same again? That pretty much has dick on how I felt after seeing these shots. To put things in perspective, I could legally declare you a robot, that's how insignificant your emotions are in comparison.
Now go convert somebody I hate into your food.
UPDATE: Added 12 more pics.
Scope Out (28) Pics of Blake Lively After the Jump
