The Most Important People on The Internet:
Volume 4.33

December 20th, 2014 // 21 Comments

Welcome to this week’s installment of The Most Important People on The Internet, and possibly the last one for the year unless you fuckers bring it over the holiday like you did this week which I’m not at all ruling out. On that note, huge thanks for one of the best assortments we’ve had in a while. There’s a goddamn Naked Gun quote, that’s how good it is and why we should move in together. Please. It’s so cold at night.

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The Crap We Missed – Friday 12.19.14

December 19th, 2014 // 299 Comments

Welcome to Friday’s The Crap We Missed, a surprisingly large collection not only for a Friday, but the LAST SHOPPING FRIDAY BEFORE CHRISTMAS!!1 *runs naked into mall, punches Santa* Am I handling holiday stress correctly? Anyway, today’s TCWM is mostly just all the boobies from last night’s People Magazine Awards which I assume are given out for humanitarian efforts and/or having giant dicks. So enjoy that while Fish and I fill out these applications to be on next year’s nominating committee.

Do I go with ‘Tit Pic Genie’ or ‘Captain Nipples?’ You’re right, captain sounds way more official,

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Splash News

Marissa Mayer Wouldn’t Hire Gwyneth Paltrow Without A College Degree

December 19th, 2014 // 18 Comments
Gwyneth Paltrow
The War On Martha
Gwyneth Paltrow Imagine1day Annual Gala Honoring Tracy Anderson
Gwyneth Paltrow Has To Try Harder Than This Read More »

While this story is ultimately one of many piss-poor business decisions that will eventually drive Yahoo! into the ground, it does involve Gwyneth Paltrow being deemed “less than,” so my pants are already off. This is happening, people. Just embrace it. The New York Times reports:

Even though the actress Gwyneth Paltrow had created a best-selling cookbook and popular lifestyle blog, Mayer, who habitually asked deputies where they attended college, balked at hiring her as a contributing editor for Yahoo Food. According to one executive, Mayer disapproved of the fact that Paltrow did not graduate college.

Granted, Marissa Mayer hired Katie Couric who’s giving Stephen Collins a platform to spew his child molester apologetics, the important thing is Gwyneth Paltrow was told “no,” and Jesus’s secret wife! Mop. I need a mop. And someone to reset my pelvis because I’m pretty sure it just did a 180. – *looks down* – Nope, that’s a 270. Medic!

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Photo: Getty

Charli XCX’s Breasts Are Back

December 19th, 2014 // 16 Comments

I still don’t know who or what a Charli XCX is, or why her name is a Bratz doll, but I do know you people will click the hell out of her breasts, so here they are at the Jingle Ball in Chicago last night because I show you the occasional boob, and then you make me mone- oh, God, I’m your wife. I’m your wife in this transaction. And you didn’t even notice my hair!

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Photos: Getty

Stephen Collins: ‘I’m Not A Pedophile’

December 19th, 2014 // 42 Comments
Stephen Collins
Jesus Forgave Me
Stephen Collins
Everything's All Better Now! Read More »

To most people, when you force three young girls roughly ten years of age to pleasure you sexually, that’s basically the exact definition of a pedophile. But if you’re Stephen Collins, flawed human being who’s been forgiven by the love of Christ, that doesn’t count. You’re merely a person who gave into “distortion in thinking.” A small “oopsie” if you will. Three times. With children. That people know of. Gawker reports:

“A pedophile is someone who is mainly or wholly attracted to children. I’m not,” he tells Couric. “I had a distortion in my thinking where I acted out in those ways. But I’m absolutely not attracted, physically or sexually attracted to children. I’m just not.”
Couric follows up, asking the actor, “If you’re not a pedophile, then how would you describe your particular pathology?”After a pregnant pause, he responds, “I think I’m someone who gave in, several times, to exhibitonistic urges. Someone who had big boundary issues as a young man and beyond that… to an extent.”

And because Stephen Collins no longer has an agent or a publicist who should’ve never in a million years let this interview happened, he proceeded to say how a woman once exposed himself to him when he was “10 or 15″ – one of those – but not that he’s blaming her for his actions. You could infer that, but he’s not explicitly saying that. Just so we’re all clear on this incident that might conveniently excuse molesting kids if you wanted to look at it that way. Again, your choice: More »

Kate Upton Wins ‘Sexiest Woman’ At PEOPLE Awards

December 19th, 2014 // 47 Comments

Kate Upton won the PEOPLE Magazine Award for Sexiest Woman last night and couldn’t look more boring doing it, but you’ll notice that didn’t stop me from posting about it, or PEOPLE from finding literally anybody else, because we both bow at the altar of SEO. It is the one true God. *slices open palm, drips blood onto keyboard* Hyperlinked nude leaked photos with bold HTML tag SHALAMAKAKA!

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Photos: Getty, Splash News

George Clooney: ‘Hollywood Pussied Out’

December 19th, 2014 // 37 Comments
George Clooney

A week before almost every major theater chain in America backed out of showing The Interview because hackers said the words “9/11″ causing Sony Pictures to pull the movie theatrically and VOD so it could file an insurance claim, and protect itself from liability on the extremely off-chance that something actually did happen, George Clooney and his agent passed around a petition to every powerful player in Hollywood asking them to show their support to Sony and not back down to North Korea. Except not a single fucking person would sign it. Deadline reports: More »

Good Morning, Vicky Pattison, And Other News

December 19th, 2014 // 15 Comments

- Burt Macklin: Velociraptor Cop: Justice just got a new name. [Lainey Gossip]

- Legolas wants to do Lord of The Rings porn. The world needs three hours of dongs going in! [Fishwrapper]

- Jennifer Aniston grouchy? Inconceivable. [Dlisted]

- If You Like Tattoos, Get Over Here [theCHIVE]

- Here’s why Republicans oppose ending the Cuba embargo. [The Frisky]

- Now we can’t even show Team America in theaters. WTF? [The Daily Banter]

- Lauren Silverman‘s in a bikini. [WWTDD]

- If Tampon Commercials Were Made By Men [Death and Taxes]

- What’s up, Alyssa Arce swimsuit photos? [Popoholic]

- Brina Chantal‘s bikini booty. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Bill Clinton will make your wife leave you. [COED]

- Victoria’s Secret forgot to airbrush Candice Swanepoel‘s nipple. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Xposure/AKM-GSI

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