The Crap We Missed – Tuesday 10.21.14

October 21st, 2014 // 280 Comments

Welcome to Tuesday’s The Crap We Missed featuring the rest of the people who had their boobs and butts out, or were shit-faced drunk like Michelle Rodriguez at that Angel Ball thing. And fat Busta Rhymes. We’ve also got Jared Leto signaling to Terry Richardson that the ecstasy is kicking in and Kanye West coaching one of the greatest football teams of all time.

[Insert Khloe Kardashian linebacker joke I don't know enough about sports to write myself here],

- Photo Boy

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Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Tori Spelling ‘Quarantined Like An Ebola Patient’

October 21st, 2014 // 17 Comments

She’s probably pregnant again, so why buy new pics? JOURNALISM!

Tori Spelling lives thousands of miles away from anyone with the Ebola virus, and I’m pretty confident she’s not walking around letting random strangers shit and bleed in her hands. On top of that, she has a gaping hole in her chest that wards off evil which is the only possible explanation I could come up with for its presence. So why the hell she was quarantined for Ebola is anybody’s guess. TMZ reports:

Tori Spelling had several of the symptoms, and got treated like an Ebola patient this weekend when she was hospitalized with a bunch of illnesses … TMZ has learned.
Sources tell us Tori was running a fever, coughing uncontrollably, and having trouble breathing … when she was taken to Cedars Sinai Hospital. We’re told Tori was quarantined from other patients, and medical staff took precautions while treating her.

In related news, Tori has another season of her reality show coming up, and apparently, “Hey, I let my fake-cheating husband knock me up again,” wasn’t testing as high as, “What if she bled to death from the nose and mouth?” Which is honestly a decent hook. Do they need funding?

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Photo: Fame, INFdaily, Splash News

Did Tyga Put A Baby In Kylie Jenner?

October 21st, 2014 // 24 Comments
Nothing Alarming Here
Kylie Jenner Tyga
Just A Teenager Dating A 25-Year-Old Rapper Read More »

As more and more evidence points to Tyga dating Kylie Jenner, his Instagram followers have decided to call him a pedophile for dating a 17-year old, but apparently they just a jealous ass ho who wish he’d put a baby in them. Like he did with Kylie? Wait. Via Fishwrapper:

“why u sound so hateful. U don’t know s–t bout my life but the fake s–t u read online. Worry about your sad boring life. U wish u can have a baby by a n—- like me and live this lifestyle. let me guess no one wants u or ever attempted to spoil u and give u the world like I do for mines. Your ugly not just physically but in your soul. Never speak on on my son.”

Supposedly, he’s talking about the son he was with Blac Chyna, but these are the Kardashians we’re talking about, so it’s not like they wouldn’t jump at the chance to birth some more rappers’ babies. Or “retirement funds” as Kris calls them. “Don’t forget to put a 401k in your ham wallet!” she probably says before sending Kylie off to school. (I’m kidding, that’s the maid’s job.)

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Photo: Instagram

Matthew McConaughey Said Some Stupid Shit About The Redskins

October 21st, 2014 // 60 Comments
Matthew McConaughey Magic Mike

Matthew McConaughey is the cover interview for the new issue of GQ which is an incredible read for anyone who’s currently obsessed with the McConaissance to a fault like I am. (And, yes, he’s aware of the term: “It’s a cool word. It sounds good. It’s got a good meter.”) Except you’ve probably heard by now that Matthew McConaughey is a Washington Redskins fan from Texas because of hamburgers (“First: 4 years old, watching Westerns, I always rooted for the Indians. Second, my favorite food was hamburgers. The Redskins had a linebacker named Chris Hanburger.”) and waded into the controversy over the team’s name with not exactly the best defense of it. So let’s get that out of the way for what’s probably the first time I’ve basically said, “You know what? Fuck politics. I want to hear about this dude’s diary.” More »

Hannibal Buress: Google ‘Bill Cosby Rape’

October 21st, 2014 // 43 Comments
Bill Cosby
Don't Eat The Pudding Pops!
Bill Cosby Cosby Show
The Pudding Pops Are Drugged! Read More »

Earlier in the year, Tom Scocca wrote an awesome piece for Gawker reminding everyone that Bill Cosby has a history of serious rape allegations that’s been neatly swept under the rug despite being a matter of public record. A week later, one of Cosby’s accusers did an interview with Newsweek along with dropping the bombshell that were at least 12 other alleged victims involved in the 2005 lawsuit. And yet the only traction any of this gained was a brief flare-up in the press because it happened right in the middle of Woody Allen and Dylan Farrow‘s open letters in the New York Times. Except one person who did take notice is comedian Hannibal Buress who decided to use this information to a take a shit in Bill Cosby’s own backyard during a standup show in Philadelphia. Via PhillyMag.com:

“It’s even worse because Bill Cosby has the fuckin’ smuggest old black man persona that I hate,” Buress said. “He gets on TV, ‘Pull your pants up black people, I was on TV in the 80s! I can talk down to you because I had a successful sitcom!’ Yeah, but you rape women, Bill Cosby, so turn the crazy down a couple notches.”
“I guess I want to just at least make it weird for you to watch Cosby Show reruns,” Buress says later. “I’ve done this bit on stage and people think I’m making it up…. when you leave here, google ‘Bill Cosby rape.’ That shit has more results than ‘Hannibal Buress.’”

The good new is as of noon EST, Hannibal Buress is one the top three trending topics on Facebook. Which would be encouraging if the other two weren’t a Banksy hoax and a real, working hoverboard that’s already in the top spot because I mentioned it was Facebook, right? Fortunately, I have a solution: More »

Blake Lively’s Pregnant Body Won The Angel Ball

October 21st, 2014 // 12 Comments

Normally, pregnancy is God’s way of cursing woman for using their filthy vagina holes for sex, but sometimes it can result a in beautiful transformation instead of the Beast of the Apocalypse. And such is the case with Blake Lively who took time away from running a website full of plagiarism and the hottest slaveowner fashions to look goddamn remarkable at whatever the hell the Angel Ball is. There are women without a parasite living inside of them who don’t look this good. It’s changed everything I thought I knew about the female body.

ALTERNATE POST FOR HILARY DUFF:

Your butt’s prettier. Let’s get married! *pulls out diamond ring, waits for it…*

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Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, MPNC / AKM-GSI, Splash News

I’m Told This Is Renee Zellweger

October 21st, 2014 // 67 Comments

If someone asked me to describe Renee Zellweger for a police sketch artist, the first words out of my mouth would be, “Lemons. She ate all the lemons.” From there, I’d go into extensive detail about squinting, so let’s cut the shit, who’s this impostor? I’m looking at your entire eye, woman. Reveal yourself!

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Photos: Getty, Splash News

Good Morning, Colleen Shannon, And Other News

October 21st, 2014 // 6 Comments

- I have yet to hear one bad thing about Birdman. [Lainey Gossip]

- Bethenny Frankel‘s mom seems nice. [Dlisted]

- Jenna Handed To You On A Silver Platter [theCHIVE]

- Sean Hannity invited Russell Brand onto his show, then had security kick him out. [Fishwrapper]

- This is a link to penises wearing heels in the most literal way possible. [The Frisky]

- Wait, Nina Dobrev wears bikinis on The Vampire Diaries? *sets DVR* [WWTDD]

- Your hypnotic ass GIF of the day. [Girls In Cute Underwear]

- If Christopher Nolan Directed ‘Spaceballs’ [Death and Taxes]

- Alessandra Ambrosio is still incredibly hot. [Popoholic]

- Monica Lewinsky is giving speeches now. [tooFab]

- What’s up, Shanna McLaughlin? [Hollywood Tuna]

- Holy hell, Katee Life… [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Fame/Flynet

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