For those of you living a rich, full life devoid of human contact in the wilderness – and presumably reading this on the back of a squirrel with WiFi – Whitney Houston‘s funeral was held over the weekend. And while that lying sonofabitch raccoon might try to tell you the big news was Bobby Brown leaving early or Aretha Franklin, Whitney’s godmother, not even bothering to show up so she could make a few bucks, the real story is Mel Gibson was invited because he tried to help Whitney Houston quit crack. Those words just happened. TMZ reports:
Sources tell us … several years ago, when Whitney was about as bad off with drugs and alcohol as she ever was, Mel quietly intervened and spent a lot of time with her, trying to help her break the addiction cycle.
We’re told Whitney’s family is “extremely appreciative” and wanted Mel at tomorrow’s funeral, but because of family plans he can’t attend.
MEL: You’re probably wondering why I’m here, but trust me when I say it’s a long, complicated story involving me trying to work in movies again by completing 12 impossible tasks to appease a bunch of Je- you know what? Let’s skip that part.
WHITNEY: I’m still confused. How is it you’re going to help me?
MEL: What I’m going to do, Ms. Houston, is tell you a deep, unquestionable truth about yourself and then hopefully this truth will give you a deeper understanding of who you truly are as a spiritual being thus eliminating the need for drugs and alcohol. So my question to you is, are you ready for such a truth?
WHITNEY: I’m ready.
MEL: Alright, here goes: *takes a deep breath* Niggers travel in packs.
WHITNEY: Excuse me?
MEL: *waves hands* Niiigggers… travellll… in paaaackks….
WHITNEY: You should leave now.
MEL: Welp, I gave it my best shot. Listen, if a coupla hook-nosed bastards show up asking if I was here, put in good word for me, willya-
WHITNEY: GET OUT!