Mel Gibson Tried To Get Whitney Houston Off Crack. Wait, What?

February 20th, 2012 // 31 Comments
'Crime Will Blow Me!'
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For those of you living a rich, full life devoid of human contact in the wilderness – and presumably reading this on the back of a squirrel with WiFi – Whitney Houston‘s funeral was held over the weekend. And while that lying sonofabitch raccoon might try to tell you the big news was Bobby Brown leaving early or Aretha Franklin, Whitney’s godmother, not even bothering to show up so she could make a few bucks, the real story is Mel Gibson was invited because he tried to help Whitney Houston quit crack. Those words just happened. TMZ reports:

Sources tell us … several years ago, when Whitney was about as bad off with drugs and alcohol as she ever was, Mel quietly intervened and spent a lot of time with her, trying to help her break the addiction cycle.
We’re told Whitney’s family is “extremely appreciative” and wanted Mel at tomorrow’s funeral, but because of family plans he can’t attend.

MEL: You’re probably wondering why I’m here, but trust me when I say it’s a long, complicated story involving me trying to work in movies again by completing 12 impossible tasks to appease a bunch of Je- you know what? Let’s skip that part.
WHITNEY: I’m still confused. How is it you’re going to help me?
MEL: What I’m going to do, Ms. Houston, is tell you a deep, unquestionable truth about yourself and then hopefully this truth will give you a deeper understanding of who you truly are as a spiritual being thus eliminating the need for drugs and alcohol. So my question to you is, are you ready for such a truth?
WHITNEY: I’m ready.
MEL: Alright, here goes: *takes a deep breath* Niggers travel in packs.
WHITNEY: Excuse me?
MEL: *waves hands* Niiigggers… travellll… in paaaackks….
WHITNEY: You should leave now.
MEL: Welp, I gave it my best shot. Listen, if a coupla hook-nosed bastards show up asking if I was here, put in good word for me, willya-
WHITNEY: GET OUT!

Photos: Fame/Flynet

superficial

  1. cc

    This isn’t surprising. It was obvious to me from his ‘blow me’ tirade that he has a deep understanding of human motivation.

  2. CranAppleSnapple

    Ohmigod Fish! You made me gasp out loud and then LOL! Totes, literally! heheheh
    I truly can see Mel saying that. It’s not the least bit of a stretch.

  3. So the new rule is you can say/write nigger without fear of banishment from society, but you have to work from an established Liberal perspective (“dead rich white slave owners day, I think it was), and be using said term to attack someone with an established Conservative perspective, and if this person happens to be demonstrably nuts as well, all the better? By this logic, Mel Gibson would warrant a minstrel show, but whatever’s right.

  4. Motorboat Captain

    Can’t smoke crack with a mouth full of nazi cock. That’s science.

  5. Lmfao, Fish.

    10/10

  6. I still confuse him and Kevin Costner.

  7. Casey Serin

    Great post. You had me laughing off my twink ass.

  8. That’s the face of a man who sees Jesus in a burned piece of toast.

  9. Well, it’s nice to see a religious group other than the Catholics getting picked on for a change. Still not enough balls to pick on the Muslims yet, but hey, baby steps.

    • A Muslim man goes into a drugstore and says to the druggist, “I need some birth control for my eleven-year-old daughter.”

      “Is your little girl sexually active?” asks the druggist.

      “Nah, she just lays there like her mother.”

    • El Jefe

      This is a celeb blog and I can’t think of any major Muslim celebs at the moment so that might account for the lack of posts against Muslims.

      And with regard to Catholics, honestly they deserve to be made fun of and attacked. For you to be a Catholic after it was discovered that there was rampant rape and pedophilia by the priests themselves and covered up by the church at the very top, then you either have to be pretty stupid or fucked up to continue to be a member of that church.

      • @Eric – Nice one!

        @El Jefe – Thanks for your opinion. For myself, I make a distinction between God and the failings of an earthly organization. Let me know where that falls in your categorization of either “stupid” or “fucked up”.

  10. LMFAO… good one, fish.

  11. I hope he didn’t start off by telling her it’s a wise man who buildeth his house upon the rock.

  12. Carla

    Pure fucking gold this post is.

  13. El Jefe

    ROFLMAO at this post.

  14. NewGuy

    I wanted to stick my penis in Whitney’s vagina.

  15. I’m interpreting this as he he tried to physically remove her from on top of a pile of crack. By threatening to put it -and her sugartits- on fire. With his penis. Unless she blew him first.

  16. the snowman

    SH*T UP, you Jew.

  17. OW POW

    —-Houston is just the latest casualty from
    the massively unfolding capstone Phama
    and EUGENICS OP.

    As for Gibson, Hollywood’s been exposed
    burying 6 decades of anniversaries for the
    awesomely relevant, EUGENICS ‘unfriendly’
    ——————-KOREAN WAR——————.

    Lucas/ Spielberg/ Eastwood/ Cameron et al
    are NOW exposed as predctive programmers for
    the capstone EUGENICS age-enda.

    Gibson IS the LAST MAN standing.

    As such, he should gut up to taking on the
    awesome KOREAN WAR and ALLLLL
    its implications.

    AMEN

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