When Friends Have Mommy and Daddy Parts: A Frank and Serious Discussion
“Welp, thanks for the sex. See ya! Doot do do doo…”
Full Disclosure: I was asked by our sponsor to host a discussion where two bloggers provide the male – How ya doin’? – and female perspectives – The Frisky – on having “friends with benefits.” And if you haven’t already guessed the movie, it’s not Green Lantern even though I refer to myself as Hal Jordan and/or Sinestro in several anecdotes. So, after lengthy discussions where I demanded complete and utter editorial control (See: Referring to myself as Hal Jordan), and they demanded proof I actually have a penis, here we are, and may God have mercy on us all:
Probably the first recorded instance of friends with benefits was Jesus and Mary Magdalene who found themselves with some free time one day because Mario Kart wasn’t invented yet. Since then, men and women have continued to realize they have body parts that fit in or around each other without going through the usual formalities of marriage, co-habitation and/or a really long engagement that everyone knows is bullshit, Bob and Pam. So, let’s go over the various pros and cons of such an arrangement based on my own numerous experiences as a male who just wants to stick his penis in something even though I still don’t understand how that’s ever happened. [Note to Self: Send out Thank You cards. Also, make new friends with vaginas.]
1. You get laid at a time that’s convenient for you without the obligation of dinner, a movie, listening to the excruciating details of a shopping trip, having to sleep in the same bed, caring about the other person’s needs, hopes and/or dream, and pretty much any of the four millions hoops men have to jump through to get their penis touched in a monogamous relationship. It’s like masturbating, but inside a vagina.
2. See Number 1.
1. At one point, one of you is going to develop feelings while the other wants to keep things casual because they just got out of a relationship and/or enjoy having a life, free time and the option to have sex with as many people as possible without the obligation to tell you. Eventually you grow to hate each other, your once awesome friendship full of blowjays falls apart, and one of you resorts to firing sad, drunk emails at three a.m. that make absolutely no sense and have way too many comic book references in them. From there, it’s a long, regretful existence wondering what might of been, as you mock celebrities from a basement in Pennsylvania. Or so people tell me. I wouldn’t know anything of the such because I’m the strong, silent type. *checks e-mail for 800th time* MY LIFE IS OVER.
2. Pregnancy. *puts on fake mustache* Who is this, “papa?”
3. Venereal disease. *whistles*
4. The gum disease gingivitis.
Now, that we’ve weighed the one pro compared to the four cons including a horrible infection, and also VD (See what I did there?), I think we can safely say that friends with benefits are awesome, and I seriously can’t recommend them enough. Sure, sometimes they explode in your face because as Peter Sarsgaard said in Kinsey right after he banged Liam Neeson: “Sex is a risky game, because if you’re not careful, it will cut you wide open,” but that movie was also about your grandmother masturbating, so what does it know? So, in closing, fuck each other, and fuck often.
For the ladies perspective, click on over to The Frisky where I’m sure it’ll be like that show where four sassy women have lots of sex in a fancy city. Lady Doers, I want to say it’s called.