When Friends Have Mommy and Daddy Parts: A Frank and Serious Discussion

June 27th, 2011 // 57 Comments
Leonardo DiCaprio Blake Lively

“Welp, thanks for the sex. See ya! Doot do do doo…

Full Disclosure: I was asked by our sponsor to host a discussion where two bloggers provide the male – How ya doin’? – and female perspectives – The Frisky – on having “friends with benefits.” And if you haven’t already guessed the movie, it’s not Green Lantern even though I refer to myself as Hal Jordan and/or Sinestro in several anecdotes. So, after lengthy discussions where I demanded complete and utter editorial control (See: Referring to myself as Hal Jordan), and they demanded proof I actually have a penis, here we are, and may God have mercy on us all:

Probably the first recorded instance of friends with benefits was Jesus and Mary Magdalene who found themselves with some free time one day because Mario Kart wasn’t invented yet. Since then, men and women have continued to realize they have body parts that fit in or around each other without going through the usual formalities of marriage, co-habitation and/or a really long engagement that everyone knows is bullshit, Bob and Pam. So, let’s go over the various pros and cons of such an arrangement based on my own numerous experiences as a male who just wants to stick his penis in something even though I still don’t understand how that’s ever happened. [Note to Self: Send out Thank You cards. Also, make new friends with vaginas.]

The Pros:

1. You get laid at a time that’s convenient for you without the obligation of dinner, a movie, listening to the excruciating details of a shopping trip, having to sleep in the same bed, caring about the other person’s needs, hopes and/or dream, and pretty much any of the four millions hoops men have to jump through to get their penis touched in a monogamous relationship. It’s like masturbating, but inside a vagina.

2. See Number 1.

The Cons:

1. At one point, one of you is going to develop feelings while the other wants to keep things casual because they just got out of a relationship and/or enjoy having a life, free time and the option to have sex with as many people as possible without the obligation to tell you. Eventually you grow to hate each other, your once awesome friendship full of blowjays falls apart, and one of you resorts to firing sad, drunk emails at three a.m. that make absolutely no sense and have way too many comic book references in them. From there, it’s a long, regretful existence wondering what might of been, as you mock celebrities from a basement in Pennsylvania. Or so people tell me. I wouldn’t know anything of the such because I’m the strong, silent type. *checks e-mail for 800th time* MY LIFE IS OVER.

2. Pregnancy. *puts on fake mustache* Who is this, “papa?”

3. Venereal disease. *whistles*

4. The gum disease gingivitis.

Now, that we’ve weighed the one pro compared to the four cons including a horrible infection, and also VD (See what I did there?), I think we can safely say that friends with benefits are awesome, and I seriously can’t recommend them enough. Sure, sometimes they explode in your face because as Peter Sarsgaard said in Kinsey right after he banged Liam Neeson: “Sex is a risky game, because if you’re not careful, it will cut you wide open,” but that movie was also about your grandmother masturbating, so what does it know? So, in closing, fuck each other, and fuck often.

For the ladies perspective, click on over to The Frisky where I’m sure it’ll be like that show where four sassy women have lots of sex in a fancy city. Lady Doers, I want to say it’s called.

Photo: INFdaily

superficial

  1. Can girls ever really be ‘friends’ with guys though? I suck at platonic friendships even though I get along better w guys. I either fall for the guy or have been accused of leading guys on who thought we were more bc I have a naturally flirtatious personality and then it’s just akward after that.

  2. fooey

    I’ve never had a friends with benefits relationship, but I’ve seen so many people turn into total morons when they were involved in them. And it always seemed to be the guy who developed feelings for the girl. One of my best guy friends tried to get his FWB girl to move in with him. Not great

    • Amy

      The thing about FWBs in my experience in that someone in the relationship is always secretly (or not so secretly) bat shit crazy. In one memorable FWB relationship I observed (from a safe distance), I wouldn’t say the girl actually developed feelings, but she did develop a stalker complex and purchased a gun. One restraining order, an out-of-state move, and three years later, the guy still gets periodic threats from her.

      I guess, theoretically, FWBs are great. And maybe in a few cases they actually work as intended. But I don’t know why we just can’t go back to one night stands (protected) and vacation flings? I find that when you want to have sex with someone without actually having a romantic relationship with them, it’s best to be in a place where you never actually have to see them again.

  3. Leonardo DiCaprio Blake Lively
    Turd Ferguson
    Commented on this photo:

    Could he be any more of a D-bag?
    Same fucking jeans and polo shirt every day with a different college baseball hat. You sure are cool dickhead.

  4. rican

    Three types of women:

    1) The saint – our mothers ,sisters, etc.

    2) The whore – she sleeps with everyone.

    3) The cunt – she sleeps with everyone, except me.

  5. smiley

    Are you telling me the business side of The Superficial is now telling the news side of The Superficial what to cover? And that even that sacred realm of celebrity gossip is not immune to the pernicious influence of corporate capitalism? Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

  6. Amy

    er Lenin, although maybe the Beatle wrote a book like that too.

  7. SaladFace

    Oh Fish, you tickle me. If my looks didn’t fall between Fergie and Ke$ha, I think we could really work!

    And also, the fact that I’m a man.

  8. interesting article.

  9. Most of my friends are girls, quite a few of them are actually gay so they wouldn’t sleep with me anyway. One of my female friends is a lap dancer and she gives me occasional freebies but generally I value my friendships way to much to jeopardise them in that way.

    Friends are the family you choose for yourself so why risk it? That said though, I do flirt outrageously with them and they know me as a pervert lol although I’ve never treated any of them with anything but the utmost respect!

  10. When get into a FWBs relationship who have to know the person. My guy friend had one with my best friend’s sister but he already knew she was clingy and still got into the relationship and soon she got feelings. Then whenever he flirt with other girls she got fucking crazy.

  11. Chupacabra

    Perfectly good friends with benefits during college, we’d watch “The Simpsons” then have sex; sometimes, we’d go hiking and camping, and of course, have sex. One day he got a real gf, and we quit, but we remained friends and his gf never knew that’s what we used to do. I didn’t go batshit crazy on him and could care less. It was always more about just passing time, and scratching the itch, so to speak whenever we were available to do so. That’s what its all about. The hokey-pokey, that is…

    • Cock Dr

      Well done.

    • Brooke

      Nice. That’s hard to accomplish. I probably would have taken it personally that he’d gotten a girlfriend, even if I didn’t actually have feelings for him. Like I wasn’t a good enough lay, or something.

  12. duder

    So…sponsor wants this shit but doesn’t like nip slips, I assume? Way to give the people what they want!

  13. kimmykimkim

    I would NEVER have sex with a friend. Because, if ur just a friend, you’re gonna stay a friend, cuz I’m not attracted to you. If you’re a friend that I wanna fuck tho, then you’ll no longer my friend, cuz now we’re fucking. But whatever I had too much casual sex in my teens and 20′s so I’m so over sex right now…or at least until I hit 40 or something. I don’t know they say you get a second wind around that time (females). I say guys get yourselves a pocket twat n girls, God gave us fingers for a reason. Relationships suck asshole. And not in a good way…

    • Brooke

      I got tired of sex too. I think when I was about 25 or 26 I just stopped caring. Sex was a lot more fun when it was more about exploration than feeling good. I hope I don’t become a cougar, though, yuck.

  14. Brooke

    I have actually tried friends with benefits with my other girl friends, because I wanted to get my lesbian on without actually having to date a girl (because goddamn, I know we girls can be obnoxious and I get the feeling I’d be the dude in the relationship, so fuck that). I pretty much lost two friends to that effort, and both were really good friends of mine. It just got super awkward. I have never had a friends with benefits relationship with a guy just because when I was 21-24 I was in a metal band and there aren’t many girls in that community, so I had my pick of almost any musician I ever met. Then I met my husband and monogamy is fun too, though for entirely different reasons.

    If you’re going to have sex frequently with the same person, you might as well like them romantically. Wild, unpredictable sex with someone you know you won’t have to put up with again if you don’t want to is great, but it’s kind of also nice to be able to make jokes and giggle and not worry if your landing strip has been trimmed lately because your partner doesn’t really care either way.

  15. the captain

    pst: WHY IS ANN*L-FUCKING STILL ALLOWED IN THE LOS ANGELES-AREA, folks?

  16. TRITON

    [Note to Self: Send out Thank You cards. Also, make new friends with vaginas.] — YES!

  17. chicken chickenovich chickenova

    Done the FWB things several times and without exception it ended up very awkward. One of us would invariably develop the dreaded feelings and things would quickly go tits up after that. My advice, only invest what you can afford to lose. If you value and want the friendship, keep it platonic. F**k buddies is the best route I’ve found (or male/female escorts if you’ve got the money), not fucking WITH buddies.

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