On Sunday night, Weston Cage claimed that the 13 punches to the face he took from his babysitter only happened because he was one drink short of death and took a cheap shot to the balls, according to TMZ:
He says that if he had a few more drinks, his “loyal and beautiful wife and my outstanding father wouldn’t have been visiting me in the psych ward, they would have been visiting me for the last time in an open casket funeral.”
Cage said that his dad’s assistant, Kevin Villegas, threw the first punch in their street brawl, saying, “Before that fight, I wish you guys had the intro to it, because he actually punched me in the nuts, like a little girl.”
Cage said he wants to settle things once and for all in a real fight.
And by real fight, Weston clearly meant letting his wife get a turn to kick his ass not even an hour lately because that’s exactly what happened:
Witnesses say in addition to cutting him on the arm with a bottle, she punched him wildly and threatened to jump off the balcony. But cops believed Weston was also violent and booked him on felony domestic violence as well.
After the incident, Weston told reporters, “Don’t get married,” which is really just the tip of the iceberg here considering the better advice would’ve been, “Don’t let Nicolas Cage‘s sperm fertilize your mom’s egg resulting in you falling out of her vagina.” Once that happens, you’re pretty much fucked. Back me up, Kal-El.