WEEKEND NERDIOR: Alice Eve’s Boobs Are Highly Logical, Captain, Edition

The Superficial / March 24, 2013

WARNING: Pressing ‘Play’ makes Alice Eve disappear.

Welcome to the inaugural edition of Weekend Nerdior, my latest brain-child conceived in the dark, sexless shadows of my mind where no breast dare set foot. Here you’ll find all the random comic book, video game and various nerd items I came across during the week when I probably should’ve been honing my penis jokes. (I was about to say I have a life, but this column pretty much negates that.) The plan is to post it Sunday morning so you have something lengthy to read on the can while shatting out whatever you did last night without inviting me. Which is cool, I get it. People are uncomfortable around raw sexual energy. I’m used to it. Anyway, before we get started, remember a few seconds ago when Alice Eve wore nothing but her underwear in that Star Trek trailer? Here she is in a bikini:

The Clone Wars Is Completely Dead

Two weeks ago, Lucasfilm announced that it was stopping production of the way-more-awesome-than-anything-set-during-the-prequels-has-the-right-to-be-series The Clone Wars for Cartoon Network which everyone just assumed meant they’d wrap up season six on Disney XD. Turns out, Disney not only broke the series’ legs, but will allow it to limp to the finish line with two “bonus content” episode arcs that won’t even address what the hell happened to Ahsoka. Fortunately, I’m a grown man who doesn’t watch cartoons, so this news had no effect on me, nor did I run screaming into the night, slashing my chest with sharp rocks until the gods saw fit to punch George Lucas in the neck-pouch-dick. I had an itch. [TheForce.Net]

Gears of War: Judgment

The newest Gears of War came out on Tuesday, so here’s what people that got free copies because they won’t cram their reviews full of boobs and dick jokes thought. Also, I don’t have an Xbox, but I don’t see what that has to do with anything. *hammers Nintendo cartridge into Playstation* See? YOUR FORMATS ARE A LIE. [Metacritic]

Captain America: Winter Soldier

Robert Redford – Yes, that Robert Redford, the legendary, respected until this very moment actor. – is going to be introduced as some sort of top S.H.I.E.L.D. agent and then continue on into The Avengers 2 where Samuel L. Jackson will presumably get eaten by a shark and replaced with a white man because Hollywood are some racist crackers. [THR]

Goddammit, They’re Already Giving Batman A New Robin

If you’ve been following The New 52 Batman comics (Already regretting reading this aren’t you?), Grant Morrison decided to kill the current Robin, Bruce Wayne’s son Damian Wayne, who was actually a shot in the arm to the stale Batman/Robin dynamic, so why not treat him like a cheap gimmick? Morrison claims he planned to kill him all along which is ridiculous considering Damian’s mother Talia al Ghul had literally just finished reviving previously-dead Robin Jason Todd with the Lazarus Pit. Anyway, Morrison may have been dropping hints who the new Robin will be in over the years, and I guess we should all be happy it’s not Harper Row from last week’s Batman #18 which made me almost bail on the whole series and I love me some Scott Snyder. In related news, my penis just mummified. [Bleeding Cool]

Final Fantasy X HD

Thanks to drinking myself stupid after a bad breakup in college (Pro Tip: Do not tell your girlfriend you’ve been banging her neighbor. It won’t be kinda funny when she thinks about it.), I never finished Final Fantasy X but vaguely recall enjoying the shit out of it. So now I’ll get a chance to thanks to SquareEnix releasing an HD version for the PS3, and the chances of me getting laid these days are approximately 3,720 to 1. [Kotaku]

Even Better Than That

DUCK TALES: REMASTERED. Blathering blatherskite! Oh my god, I’m lonely… [Kotaku]

Neil Gaiman

Neil Gaiman will make a return to Marvel comics where he’ll launch a groundbreaking original series that captures the very essence of imagination. Except, just kidding, he’s writing the last issue of their eight millionth crossover event and issue #5 of the Guardians of the Galaxy reboot. One, or both, of which he’ll cram his Spawn character Angela into, officially making her part of the Marvel Universe now, because he’s fucking Neil Gaiman and can Spider-Man a ham sandwich if he goddamn wants to. [CBR]

X-Men: Days of Future Past

Bryan Singer is just coming right out and saying X-Men: Days of Future Past will “fix” X-Men: The Last Stand, and he’s probably going to do it with Apocalypse. As to whether he’ll use Brett Ratner’s interpretation of the character, Bryan Singer said he has “no fucking clue” how you’d film an 8-foot-tall shrimp with 20 vaginas. [Bleeding Cool]

Guardians of The Galaxy

I hope you weren’t planning on seeing Khal Drogo and Chris Pratt together in space because you’re getting David Bautista now. [FilmDrunk]

1/8th Bev

Gates McFadden is awesomely demented. [io9]

More 100 Bullets

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. [CBR]

SimCity

In case you haven’t heard, EA’s SimCity launch was such an epic clusterfuck, their CEO literally had to resign this week because of it. You do not mess with people building fake cities and constantly trying to get Godzilla to attack it. (Does the new game still have that Godzilla monster? If not, I keep a bag of dicks in my trunk. Feed it to SimCity.) [Kotaku]

Bryan K. Vaughan’s The Private Eye

Speaking of DRM, Bryan K. Vaughan (Y: The Last Man, Saga the best looking comic I read each month) has published the first issue of his newest comic The Private Eye online, DRM-free, and for whatever price you want to pay for it. So naturally I paid $20 to make you look like dicks and encourage Bryan to tweet that my penis jokes are the best.[Panel Syndicate]

UPDATE: Turns out Bryan K. Vaughan hates Twitter and will never use it. FUCKDAMMIT.

Please Stop Making Erotic Art of This Guy’s My Little Pony Fiance

And welcome to the exact moment I almost quit this nerd shit and started a fantasy football league that meets every Tuesday at Applebee’s. [The AV Club]

Game of Thrones

Game of Thrones Season 3 starts next week, and if you’re (justifiably) worried what’s going to happen if the show catches up with the books before George R.R. Martin finishes them or most likely dies, turns out he told HBO everything that happens, so they can just wrap that shit up for him. Which will probably happen considering he’s already toying with adapting them a GoT prequel series instead of hurrying the fuck up with the books like a morbidly obese, elderly man who could not wake up at any second should. [IGN]

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