Tom Cruise Controls The Suri Now

July 17th, 2012 // 13 Comments
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“So I know you’re probably thinking I went and got you that puppy, but, wow, how do I put this? Your mom’s got a lotta shit on me.”

Even though Katie Holmes got basically everything she wanted in the divorce settlement, there was no way she’d get Tom Cruise to agree to completely abandon Suri because then it’d be even more obvious she has dirt on him than it already it is. So here he is picking her up for their first visit since the divorce where, depending on what you read, she’s under the constant surveillance of Katie’s nannies who will ensure Tom Cruise doesn’t teach Suri how to hurl more garbage trucks with her mind. Although, how they’ll do that without the Bands of Xanthar is anybody’s guess. Travolta refuses to disclose its location.

“It’s in my butt.”

See? Just refuses.

Photo: Getty


  1. Flame on

    Fucking story is so corny, Fish

  2. Schmidtler

    and of course what I meant by that was ‘Tom Cruise Loves the Children!!’ Just like Jesus. And that Sandusky fellow.

  3. No one controls The Suri. The Suri controls you!

  4. JC

    “Daddy, I don’t like it when you carry me because my feet still drag on the ground.”

  5. Frank Burns

    Her e-meter reads adorable!

  6. EricLr

    She’s already smart enough to sucker her bimbo mom with the whole “Yes, I accept that we’re just going to LOOK at the puppies” routine. I wonder if she’s convinced himbo dad that ice cream for breakfast is actually healthy.

  7. Abby Normal

    I’m just hoping that one of Suri’s as yet unharnessed superpowers is pyrokinesis.

  8. Frank Burns

    Note the ominous truck in the background waiting to attack – probably driven by that murderous Xenu-puppy.

  9. Don’t worry, sweetie. One more year and you’ll be able to carry him.

  10. Archie Leach

    They did a hell of a job photoshopping that photo to make Suri appear smaller than tom.

  11. Dan Quayle

    Zenu girl prison orange dress

  12. The photo is not a current picture of Tom and Suri.this picture was taken before Katie filed for divorce.

  13. Suri is another kim kardashian in the making Suri needs to have her own clothing line perfume movies tv show just another fame whore in the making way to go stop spoiling her so damn much and learn to say no please don’t let her be like kimwhore

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