Tom Cruise Found A New Carbon-Based Lover

June 25th, 2013 // 37 Comments

Tom Cruise brought a date to Jerry Bruckheimer’s Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony yesterday because what’s the point of an all-powerful, galactic space church if it can’t force its slave women to pretend to be your girlfriend? More importantly, this one’s shorter than Tom Cruise which means Scientology found a way to kidnap characters out of childrens’ books. Be brave, Thumbelina, the Mouse Guard is on the move.

Photos: Splash News

superficial

  1. Jazzy Jeff

    That’s a fine looking beard Tommy.

  2. Tom Cruise Blonde Mystery Date Johnny Depp Jerry Bruckheimer Walk Of Fame Star Ceremony
    Jazzy Jeff
    Commented on this photo:

    Shit Jonny is a midget too?

  3. Tom Cruise Blonde Mystery Date Jerry Bruckheimer Walk Of Fame Star Ceremony
    Deacon Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    Even the bodyguard is like “Jesus….she has pygmy legs”

    • Takes some specialized surgery to shorten the femur and tibia so she makes Tommy Boy look tall.

      • Jack Ketch

        Wouldn’t surprise me in the least after what I’ve read on Scientology. He wanted Naz B. to have her incisor teeth filed down, the narcissitic tool. Thanks to this smarmy, lift-wearing midget I stopped buying People mag for their “sympathetic” story after Katie gold-medaled in husband-dumping. Was too expensive anyways :)

  4. Tom Cruise Blonde Mystery Date Jerry Bruckheimer Walk Of Fame Star Ceremony
    Deacon Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    There’s always a fat Samoan in the background, saying “You’re not fooling anyone” with his eyes

  5. Tom Cruise Blonde Mystery Date Jerry Bruckheimer Walk Of Fame Star Ceremony
    catapostrophe
    Commented on this photo:

    “They bought it. Aaaahahahahaha!”

  6. Tom Cruise Blonde Mystery Date Johnny Depp Jerry Bruckheimer Walk Of Fame Star Ceremony
    Commented on this photo:

    “Wait, Johnny—you’re only an inch taller? How come no one calls you short?”

  7. Molly

    She’s not his girlfriend, she’s a PR person who was there to organizing the festivities that all. PEOPLE GET HOLD OF YOUR BS FALL REPORTING.

  8. Mouse

    Already confirmed that she’s actually a publicist – Heidi Lopata, also known as Heidi Slan. She was with PMK for years, now with 42West. (Source – LaineyGossip)

  9. Tom Cruise Blonde Mystery Date Johnny Depp Jerry Bruckheimer Walk Of Fame Star Ceremony
    Commented on this photo:

    Some boys are able to make full-tilt crazy pay. Mazel tov!

  10. Tom Cruise Blonde Mystery Date Johnny Depp Jerry Bruckheimer Walk Of Fame Star Ceremony
    Commented on this photo:

    This picture smells like cigarettes and ass lube.

  11. Is she a no-name? Did they just plucked her off the $ea Org boat and sent her to Hollywood? Bearding probably beats scrubbing $antorum out of Cruise and Miscavige’s master cabin.

    TCLTC

  12. Jim

    Well he certainly has a type…of stepford slave.

  13. Tom Cruise Blonde Mystery Date Jerry Bruckheimer Walk Of Fame Star Ceremony
    Commented on this photo:

    Awww, the little guy outgrew his sweater.

  14. Red Ruffensor

    Run fast and run far. Scientology is a cult full of nutjobs.

  15. “He’s Just Not That Into You: Because He LTC Edition”

  16. Robb7

    Cruise has very womanly hips. His gyrating them must drive men – young and old – crazy.

  17. Is Tom now dating Bridget the Midget?

  18. Tom Cruise Blonde Mystery Date Jerry Bruckheimer Walk Of Fame Star Ceremony
    Xenu
    Commented on this photo:

    I’m coming to get you TommyGirl, and there’s not jack you can do about it.
    Perpare to feel my wrath bitch; my long, hard, scalding hot, wrath.

  19. TCLTC

    It seems like it has been years since I last typed those five letters on The Superficial. Some of you younger people may have never seen those letters here, but there was a time long, long ago when it seemed a day didn’t go by when those letters didn’t pop up in at least once a day in response to a photo or a story.

    Oh, to be young again.

  20. “What the fuck’s a guy to do? They can’t all be Katie Holmes.”

  21. Tom Cruise Blonde Mystery Date Johnny Depp Jerry Bruckheimer Walk Of Fame Star Ceremony
    Commented on this photo:

    Tom Cruise is wearing Elevator Shoes

  22. Tom Cruise Blonde Mystery Date Jon Voight Johnny Depp Jerry Bruckheimer Walk Of Fame Star Ceremony
    Lou Braccant
    Commented on this photo:

    Got your nose!

  23. Tom Cruise Blonde Mystery Date Jerry Bruckheimer Walk Of Fame Star Ceremony
    Schadenfreude
    Commented on this photo:

    Get the Thorazine ready, and whatever you do deny every allegation that Willy Wonka makes about a kidnapping.

  24. Tom Cruise Blonde Mystery Date Jerry Bruckheimer Walk Of Fame Star Ceremony
    bernard
    Commented on this photo:

    wow, wear a short sweater to make you look taller

    must have a closet full of height-enhancing wardrobe

  25. Tom Cruise Blonde Mystery Date Johnny Depp Jon Voight Jerry Bruckheimer Walk Of Fame Star Ceremony
    Commented on this photo:

    “Jon, just avoid eye contact and we’ll be impermeable to the midgit’s Scientology swagger. Focus on Peter Dinklage instead.”

  26. ZenoApproves

    Right age: check
    Right height: check
    Submissive as a dog: check
    Zeno Approves

  27. Tom Cruise Blonde Mystery Date Jerry Bruckheimer Walk Of Fame Star Ceremony
    Juch
    Commented on this photo:

    Hard to say which is more convincing of their couplehood, the awkward hug or the forced smile.

Leave A Comment