For the past 72 hours, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have been locked in divorce settlement talks, and you can tell things are going well for Tom because the two just released a cordial joint statement instead of Katie running down the street screaming, “He fucks dudes! He fucks dudes and puts pills in my food!” People reports:
“We are committed to working together as parents to accomplish what is in our daughter Suri’s best interests. We want to keep matters affecting our family private and express our respect for each other’s commitment to each of our respective beliefs and support each other’s roles as parents.”
Interesting that the statement included all that talk about “beliefs” considering the Church of Scientology has been pretty adamant in the press that Tom and Katie’s divorce has nothing to do with Scientology. In fact, its main theory has mostly been, “Well, maybe she’s a bitch. Have you thought about that?”
UPDATE: And we’ve got a settlement. According to People, Suri will live with Katie in New York, giving her primary custody. However, Tom will still have “generous visitation rights” because apparently Polaroids of dead rentboys dressed like aliens don’t go as far as they used to these days. I blame dubstep.