UPDATE: Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes Are BFFs Now

July 9th, 2012 // 39 Comments
The TomKat Divorce
Tom Cruise Katie Holmes Divorce
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For the past 72 hours, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have been locked in divorce settlement talks, and you can tell things are going well for Tom because the two just released a cordial joint statement instead of Katie running down the street screaming, “He fucks dudes! He fucks dudes and puts pills in my food!” People reports:

“We are committed to working together as parents to accomplish what is in our daughter Suri’s best interests. We want to keep matters affecting our family private and express our respect for each other’s commitment to each of our respective beliefs and support each other’s roles as parents.”

Interesting that the statement included all that talk about “beliefs” considering the Church of Scientology has been pretty adamant in the press that Tom and Katie’s divorce has nothing to do with Scientology. In fact, its main theory has mostly been, “Well, maybe she’s a bitch. Have you thought about that?”

UPDATE: And we’ve got a settlement. According to People, Suri will live with Katie in New York, giving her primary custody. However, Tom will still have “generous visitation rights” because apparently Polaroids of dead rentboys dressed like aliens don’t go as far as they used to these days. I blame dubstep.

Photos: WENN


  1. Tom Cruise Katie Holmes
    Frank Burns
    Commented on this photo:

    Cruise indicating how tall he is without the stilts and lifts in his shoes.

  2. USDA Prime McBeef

    Believe nothing T̶o̶m̶ ̶C̶r̶u̶i̶s̶e̶ $cientology says.

  3. One of his respective beliefs is analingus.

    • USDA Prime McBeef

      Another one of his respective beliefs:

      Sweaty underwear wrestling with another man is isn’t gay as long your raging erection is contained within said undies ~ New Era Dianetics, Chapter 5, verse 14.

  4. El Jefe

    He must have paid her out the ass to keep quiet.

  5. Carla

    That’s the look of woman who made an angry little man bleed money. Keep grinning like a maniac, Tom!

  6. Abby Normal

    Seems to me any battle over child custody should be between Katie and the turkey-baster.

  7. Body language, body language. We all know who’s the little bitch in these photos?There’s a new glow in Katie’s face, one of confidence.TC is just covering it up that he financially got fucked up the ass. Not even wearing shoes lifts so that he looks taller than ex-wife?OMG is this the end of Napoleon TC?

  8. Dan Quayle

    Thrusted benevolent want her the

  9. Bane

    The 5 year contract on this lavender marriage was up. Settle quietly, then have the studio fixers find you another beard who will tolerate cult bullshit.

  10. suriworlddomination

    Poor Suri, she doesn’t want to live in New York City with all those stupid paps and her shitty mom.

  11. Aaron

    My guess is she had enough nasty shit on him and his “religion” that the best thing he could do was get “generous visitation” and her to sign an NDA to guarantee she’d keep quiet.

    I’m sure she got a “if the Church of Scientology fucks with me or my family this will be allover the internet in 0.2 seconds” clause in there.

    • Dick Hell

      She got a cocktail napkin with the words “this is your settlement” scrawled on it but thanks to the mind-control ray she thinks it’s a billion dollars.

  12. God, that crazy little gay actor who uses the LSD ravings of a man on record saying if he wanted to be a millionaire he’d start his own religion as the guiding principles by which he lives, is so very short.

    So very, very short.

  13. kimmykimkim

    That Kardashian law needs to be applied to Scientology. Whatever they say is the complete opposite of the truth.

  14. You guys should read Tony Ortega, he has been writing about Scientology for well over ten years. He keeps in constant contact with former high ranking members. He talked with the guy who helped Tom with his previous divorce and predicted all of this.


  15. Tom Cruise Katie Holmes
    Commented on this photo:

    “Tom, I think we should divorce ourselves from this red carpet, and go our separate ways before the whole event crowd breaks up.”

  16. kirby

    Anne22, who didn’t predict this? when tom loves man anus more than Katie’s glory hole what’s to figure out??
    Even God is still trying to figure out how they made a child.

  17. Emma Watson's Vagina

    my respect for Kate Holmes is like a see saw now. it goes up and it goes down. right now it is down.

  18. For while there I was confused by the “this divorce is going to be nasty” headlines, because I have always thought this was a contractual marriage, so what is there to fight about?

    …but now I see that it was all false bickering to make it look like there were hurt feelings and acrimony like (ahem) a “normal” divorce. The contract must have stated “We shall pretend to bicker for a period of two weeks after which point we shall arrange payout and visitation as outlined in our premarital agreement.”

    Not only do they both get what they agreed to, but they look good in the public’s eye for having a so-called amicable split.

    Katie and Tom are still playing the same game on the same team (so to speak!). No need to feel sorry for either of them. Poor Suri.

  19. Glad to see Katie Holmes go from Scientology chattel to full battle-rattle.

  20. She must have really had him by the short and curlies to get that kind of deal.

  21. MissSupathing


    Kicking it old school, bitches!

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