Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes Are Getting Divorced

Thanks to John Travolta spending the past 40 years puckering his anus at every single male masseuse on the planet making it ridiculously obvious that Scientology really is just a front for closeted gay men to pretend they’re happily married to women, Katie Holmes has finally grabbed Suri and made a run for it before they both get forced into slave labor on a cruise ship which is the only way to read this. People reports:

“This is a personal and private matter for Katie and her family,” says Holmes’s attorney Jonathan Wolfe. “Katie’s primary concern remains, as it always has been, her daughter’s best interest.”

So, remember when Tom Cruise went through all that trouble to have those Scientology slaves build a reeducation trailer for Katie Holmes so he could systematically brainwash her into believing alien ghosts make him super awesome at doing his own stunts? This is kind of a dick way to repay him. Just saying.

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