Tom Cruise Can Only Be Served By Men And Other Gems From The Scientology Prison Yacht

Over the years, there have been a bunch of hilarious “Tom Cruise is a batshit crazy Scientologist” anecdotes: Tom Cruise threatened to “beat the living shit” out of wayward members. Tom Cruise taped a whole bunch of secret confessions that church leaders listen to for laughs. Tom Cruise locked Katie Holmes in a re-education trailer built by slaves. And probably most hysterically, Tom Cruise milked Jett Travolta’s death to promote Scientology. Ha! Oh, Tom.

Except now comes the ultimate collection of Tom Cruise quotes from Valeska Paris, the woman who was trapped aboard a Scientology cruise ship for 12 years and forced to essentially perform slave labor. Keep in mind these are from Tom’s birthday party aboard the ship in 2004, and this woman has been deprived of outside contact for 12 years, so she has absolutely no clue about the gay rumors. Which makes all of these unintentionally hilarious because she genuinely believes she’s describing a movie star trying to avoid swooning women falling over him, so I’m not exaggerating when I say this is probably the best Christmas present anyone can give me. Huge thanks to AssIn9 for linking this Village Voice interview in the threads:

On preparing for Tom’s arrival:
“We were all told we can’t ask for his autograph, or we’d get a comm ev.” (A “committee of evidence” is a sort of Scientology disciplinary trial.) “We can’t tell anyone that he’s coming to the ship or that he’d been to the ship, or again, a comm ev. And we had to call him ‘sir.'”

On cold sores not being allowed in Tom’s presence:
“David Miscavige saw that I had a cold sore, and I was assigned to lower conditions and I was put in isolation for 4 days,” she says. She explains that she was assigned the “condition” of “Treason,” which is below “Enemy” but above “Confusion.”
“I was in Treason. So I wasn’t allowed to go to Tom Cruise’s birthday.”

On who’s allowed to serve him (Alternate Title: THE GREATEST QUOTE ABOUT TOM CRUISE EVER):
“He said, ‘Tom Cruise is coming and I need really good service, so who’s going to serve him?’ A woman spoke up. ‘No, no, it can’t be a woman, because he’s so good looking, any woman would fall for him.’ So a guy had to take the job,” she says.

On what happens to women who try to speak to Tom:
“The band did all the songs from his movies, except the one he did with Nicole.” And she says three young women from the IASA — the administration of the International Association of Scientologists — were disciplined after the party. “They were trying to get Tom’s attention. So they were put in the engine room.” [Emphasis mine.]

Giant, flashing gay beacons aside, what’s the most revealing about these quotes is how absolutely fucked Katie Holmes’ life must be. Here’s a woman with a history of cold sores married to man who practices a religion that not only views cold sores as an affront to their space ghost overlords, but freely locks women in whatever cramped space they can find at the drop of the hat. It’s their solution to everything.

“Damn, this mower won’t start.”
“Did you try chaining a woman to your water heater?”
“Smart thinkin’, Ted.”

Photos: Splash News