Tom Cruise Can Only Be Served By Men And Other Gems From The Scientology Prison Yacht

December 1st, 2011 // 68 Comments
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Over the years, there have been a bunch of hilarious “Tom Cruise is a batshit crazy Scientologist” anecdotes: Tom Cruise threatened to “beat the living shit” out of wayward members. Tom Cruise taped a whole bunch of secret confessions that church leaders listen to for laughs. Tom Cruise locked Katie Holmes in a re-education trailer built by slaves. And probably most hysterically, Tom Cruise milked Jett Travolta’s death to promote Scientology. Ha! Oh, Tom.

Except now comes the ultimate collection of Tom Cruise quotes from Valeska Paris, the woman who was trapped aboard a Scientology cruise ship for 12 years and forced to essentially perform slave labor. Keep in mind these are from Tom’s birthday party aboard the ship in 2004, and this woman has been deprived of outside contact for 12 years, so she has absolutely no clue about the gay rumors. Which makes all of these unintentionally hilarious because she genuinely believes she’s describing a movie star trying to avoid swooning women falling over him, so I’m not exaggerating when I say this is probably the best Christmas present anyone can give me. Huge thanks to AssIn9 for linking this Village Voice interview in the threads:

On preparing for Tom’s arrival:
“We were all told we can’t ask for his autograph, or we’d get a comm ev.” (A “committee of evidence” is a sort of Scientology disciplinary trial.) “We can’t tell anyone that he’s coming to the ship or that he’d been to the ship, or again, a comm ev. And we had to call him ‘sir.’”

On cold sores not being allowed in Tom’s presence:
“David Miscavige saw that I had a cold sore, and I was assigned to lower conditions and I was put in isolation for 4 days,” she says. She explains that she was assigned the “condition” of “Treason,” which is below “Enemy” but above “Confusion.”
“I was in Treason. So I wasn’t allowed to go to Tom Cruise’s birthday.”

On who’s allowed to serve him (Alternate Title: THE GREATEST QUOTE ABOUT TOM CRUISE EVER):
“He said, ‘Tom Cruise is coming and I need really good service, so who’s going to serve him?’ A woman spoke up. ‘No, no, it can’t be a woman, because he’s so good looking, any woman would fall for him.’ So a guy had to take the job,” she says.

On what happens to women who try to speak to Tom:
“The band did all the songs from his movies, except the one he did with Nicole.” And she says three young women from the IASA — the administration of the International Association of Scientologists — were disciplined after the party. “They were trying to get Tom’s attention. So they were put in the engine room.” [Emphasis mine.]

Giant, flashing gay beacons aside, what’s the most revealing about these quotes is how absolutely fucked Katie Holmes‘ life must be. Here’s a woman with a history of cold sores married to man who practices a religion that not only views cold sores as an affront to their space ghost overlords, but freely locks women in whatever cramped space they can find at the drop of the hat. It’s their solution to everything.

“Damn, this mower won’t start.”
“Did you try chaining a woman to your water heater?”
“Smart thinkin’, Ted.”

Photos: Splash News


  1. BestCheddar


  2. maeby

    Weird, cuz when they first got married there were pictures of Katie Holmes walking with the most grotesque mouth herpes i’ve ever fucking seen. I think it might be his doing. Herping up the masses.

  3. stratacat

    is that dexter’s kill shirt???

  4. Tom Cruise Armpit Stains Tokyo
    Commented on this photo:

    “What’s with the high heels, bitch! And where’s the hole you were supposed to be standing in?”

  5. Tom Cruise Armpit Stains Tokyo
    Commented on this photo:

    How about just pictures of Paula Patton…

  6. BE

    Any wonder after 5 years with this freak, that Katie Holmes’ eyes look dead?

    Not to mention – she has to “share” Tom with Miscavige. Rumor has it they’ve been an item from day one.

    The ships named Freewinds – I’m sure that’s Miscavige having fun with irony

  7. BE

    Whoops! I thought that read “Tom Cruise Only Wants to be Serviced by Men and Other Gems from the Scientology Prison Yacht.”

  8. People's roughest man alive

    Those stories are so funny; Tom should be looking to sue that woman.

  9. Beer Baron

    This Summer, Haley Joel Osment and Tom Cruise in “I See Pitstains!”

  10. Tom Cruise Armpit Stains Tokyo
    Commented on this photo:

    Holy Hyperhidrosis!

  11. Snack pack

    I really hope all this is true and it begins the unraveling of this cult. It would be so entertaining.

    • BE

      We won’t get that lucky. They suck so much money out of the people that they lure into it that it has the potential to go on for ever. This isn’t the first “slavery” accusation – it’s the fifteenth. Whenever anyone tries to go after this cult they lawyer up to the hilt with their deep pockets and it goes nowhere.

      Oh yeah, they practice slavery and stand by it.


  12. jenyjenjen


  13. Tom Cruise Armpit Stains Tokyo
    Commented on this photo:

    He’s sweating and nervous because he’s gay for this guy.

  14. saddies

    Wow. The Fish doesn’t know the meaning of penultimate? Or is there another list to come?

  15. Tom Cruise Armpit Stains Tokyo
    Hugh Gentry
    Commented on this photo:

    I’d go to town on her legs!!

  16. Internet Lamester


  17. Sarah

    Batshit crazy muthaf*cker.

  18. Deacon Jones

    The biggest shame about this whole subject, is the fact that Cruise couldve had Sofia Vergara, but she got scared off by how adamant he was about Scientology.

    Think about that. She was in his hands, he FUCKED it up.

    • Schmidtler

      I bet he also figured out Sofia Vergara could kick his ass without breaking a sweat.

    • Jack Ketch

      Penelope Cruz, too, he fucked that up big-time as well.

    • Venom

      There was no way he was going to get a fiery Latin woman like her to succumb to his bullshit like he did Katie Holmes.

      • Jack Ketch

        Exactly … naive, and no IQ to speak of I’m sure. Penelope was quite turned off by the whole thing. I knew I liked her for a reason. There are brains in there.

    • Frank Burns

      I thought it was Jessica Alba who escaped Tom – she’d been brought somewhere to ‘audition’ as his next girlfriend, but bolted after she figured that out.

      • BE

        There were actually a couple of starlets that claimed they were brought in front of a Scientology group sitting in the next room on the first date. Jessica Alba was the most verbal. (She excused herself to go to the bathroom and ran! Smart women.) My guess is that TC and the scientologists toned it down by the time he got to Katie Holmes – but he still had to knock her up to get her to marry him. I feel sorry for Katie as she seemed young and dumb when she got caught in TC’s trolling net. Not uncommon with men who marry much younger women. The divorce comes when the girl inevitably grows up and says “What the ???”

    • Deacon Jones

      I should be instantly gay after posting this –

      It is said that Tom’s intention was to recruit Scientology to the Latin American culture, which was also a reason why Tom and Pirates of the Caribbean 4 actress and recently pregnant Penelope Cruz were together. Morton said, “[Tom and Sofia's] relationship ended in March 2005 when she backed out of a planned visit to the Scientology Center in Clearwater, Fla. and stopped returning his calls,” despite having met Tom’s kids Connor and Isabella.

      • BE

        I think the most obvious and un-verbalized point in all this is that even though he’s good looking and rich TC can’t contain the crazy and the scientology long enough to get a woman. After three wives and all of the confirmed rumors, Cruise really has to work for it.

  19. Jack Ketch

    So fucking lame-ass … you’d think it’d go under, but for all the millions they suck out of people. It’s not a religion but a CULT in every sense of the word. I’ve often wondered how intelligent the followers are, but then again many followers are celebrities. Duh. Nicole Kidman is SO much better off without this midget, egotistical freak. Raising infants on barley water ? Grow a fucking brain.

    • BE

      That’s the thing with cults. They get the insecure – by definition actors are insecure. And, of course they pamper the huge stars like Cruise and Travolta and never let them see what horror it really is because they need them out advertising for them.

      • Jack Ketch

        Agreed. But Tom Cruise isn’t a “good example” of anything. And I for one don’t find him attractive at all … he looks like a ferret and has an ago the size of Cincinnati.

    • BE

      Oh I’m with you – no admirer of Tom Cruise. The icing on the cake is celebrities like TC aspiring to tell us what to think, how to vote or what religion we should be.

      Most of them aren’t qualified to run their own lives – much less anyone else’s. Yet we give these circus clowns their position.

      If I see another post referring Kim Kardashian as a role model – I may just throw up.

  20. Alex

    I guess pits are some kind of damn fashion trend in Hollywood. Fucking disgusting. Might as well piss your pants while you are on a roll.

  21. Tom Cruise Armpit Stains Tokyo
    People's roughest man alive
    Commented on this photo:

    Hey listen? I dont want to see Tom and other news tomorrow, ya hear?

  22. Frank Burns

    Mission Heterosexual: Impossible

  23. Tom Cruise Armpit Stains Tokyo
    Commented on this photo:

    “Yo Chris Burke, I loved ‘Life Goes On.’”

  24. Tom Cruise Armpit Stains Tokyo
    Commented on this photo:

    He’s pals with Haley Joel Osment now?

  25. Tom Cruise Armpit Stains Tokyo
    Commented on this photo:

    Wow, James Van Der Beek has put on some weight.

  26. doogleberg

    Who gives a shit about Cruise…look at Paula Patton. I could lick those legs for days.

  27. Tom Cruise Armpit Stains Tokyo
    Commented on this photo:

    He must be working really hard to fight off that boner.

  28. He probably just got outta the same spa Travolta frequents.

  29. AssIn9

    *does stupid Risky Business dance*

  30. guest

    Is there a closet on that boat?

  31. Victoria

    Here’s another photo of him sweating even more heavily while dancing with Katie Holmes:

  32. Tom Cruise Armpit Stains Tokyo
    Straight Guy
    Commented on this photo:

    She needs to be seen more, she is stunning and I’d feel up those calves like another set o’ tits!!!

  33. Tom Cruise Armpit Stains Tokyo
    Commented on this photo:

    Katie looks tired and worn out since marrying that guy.

  34. Tom Cruise Armpit Stains Tokyo
    Commented on this photo:

    Paula Patton makes like her crotch is off-limits to Tom, and he makes like he gives a damn. Acting!

  35. Where is Randal when we need him most?

  36. forrest gump


  37. Tom Cruise Armpit Stains Tokyo
    Commented on this photo:

    Did Paula have her skin lightened?

  38. riptide

    I am so glad Jessica Alba and Sofia Vergara bolted from that nutcase. I don’t think I could live in a world where either of them was defiled by TC.

  39. naughty squirrel

    The church must be financing his movies at this point because no one in Hollywood would go near him.

  40. Tom Cruise Armpit Stains Tokyo
    Commented on this photo:

    Haley Joel Osment sure is getting old…

  41. reyna

    can anyone tell Tom Criuse to use deodorant? gross!

  42. Tom Cruise Armpit Stains Tokyo
    Joe Schmoe
    Commented on this photo:

    Poor Brad, having to put up with the stench of Tom’s B.O.!

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