Tim Tebow Plays For The Patriots

June 11th, 2013 // 28 Comments
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Tom Brady‘s going to need a bigger water slide. Via Deadspin:

New England is probably the perfect landing spot for Tebow, ESPN proximity notwithstanding. He won’t start a quarterback controversy. The Patriots are good enough, and the fans trust Bill Belichick enough, that no one will be calling for him to play 30 snaps a game. The team has enough big personalities that he won’t be surrounded every media availability. The franchise has its shit together to keep anonymous teammates from constantly leaking how bad he looks in practice.

“So, listen, this Jesus fellow you’re always talking to. What’s his stance on walking through walls and looking at other team’s playbooks?”
“The Lord can do anything, sir.”
“Good, good…”

Photo: Getty

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  1. I really know nothing about football, but I do know that Tim Tebow is one gorgeous Jesus-loving man. Mmmm.

    • pavement_smear

      (…says every Tebow fan in existence.)

    • the_spiral

      Really? I look at him and all I see is a gay Eugene Mumford on steroids. But apparently people are into that…?

    • The Illuminati Did It!

      It doesn’t matter how he looks if he can’t deliver between the sheets. The asshole is petrified of sex, so you would not only have to marry him, but agree to a few thrusts missionary style in order for him to plant his seed. You might as well fuck Woody Allen.

  2. Taylor Swift's Tampon String

    I would rather read about celebrity bowel movements than waste space on this bible thumping tool. Jesus exists about as much as Tebow’s QB skills. Fuck him.

  3. Deacon Jones

    Belidick’s recent veteran signing have been a joke.

    How’s Haynesworth working out for him?

    Patriots can suck a dick!

  4. Wow, look at those arms. It’s like he’s made of iron—*gasp*

    THE IRON PATRIOT!

    *runs away*

  5. JC

    I don’t see the point. It’s not like the Pats fans aren’t rabid enough to begin with–will overpaying a crappy, Jesus-freak backup quarterback really stir up that much more fan interest (or money)?

  6. Jesus of Nazareth and Gillette Stadium

    Y’all shut-up! I think he’s cool.

  7. harriscandit

    I think this is going to work out great. It’s not like they signed a QB with no arm, or no accuracy, or a sideshow. Hmm good thing I am not a pats fan.

  8. Freebie

    Wow – that man has some fabulous arms.

  9. Bane

    Patriot and a Christian? Double IRS audit.

  10. “So then Ochocinco tapped the lawyer on his ass like this.”
    “Really? Jesus says he thinks that’s kinda’ gay.”
    “No its not, we do it all the time….okay, so maybe it’s a little gay.”

  11. Jazzy Jeff

    No! He gays for the Gaytriots.

  12. Hey Tim, I know I’m just the waterboy, but I want to get big and strong like you some day, what do you recomme…

    Jesus

    You mean I should…

    JESUS

    I don’t understan…

    JESUS!!

    are you just saying Jesus?

    JESUS!

  13. Dont pay attention to Tebow. Hes messed up and its guys like him that destroy the foundations of this country.

    Im Black and I fuck other dudes in their assholes and let other dudes fuck me in my asshole.

    Oh wait, wrong hater website.

  14. sobrietyisacrutch

    ” He won’t start a quarterback controversy. ”
    That’s because he’ll never start.

  15. richie

    ok, so that’s 2 tickets to Earth, Wind & Fire for Jefferson and little brother…

  16. Rico Jones

    When is this bible thumper going to come out of the closet? You know it’ll happen.

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