I Don’t Think Jesus Wants Tim Tebow To Play Football

The Superficial / September 3, 2013

For those of you wondering why the earth was cast into eternal darkness as a plague of locusts devoured your firstborn, Tim Tebow was cut from the New England Patriots on Friday which left him free to be picked up by any other team in the NFL provided one of them wanted him. Which they didn’t. Fortunately, Tim took the whole thing in stride and jumped on the opportunity to make a big deal about his religion which was odd because I could’ve sworn only the media did that. He almost never mentions it or bows during every game creating a pervasive meme, so all of this was strange, very strange:

I would like to thank Mr. Kraft, Coach Belichick, Coach McDaniels and the entire Patriots organization for giving me the opportunity…
…to be a part of such a classy organization. I pray for nothing but the best for you all. I will remain in relentless pursuit…
…of continuing my lifelong dream of being an NFL quarterback. 2 Corinthians 12:9: And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient…
…for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather…
…boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

He also quoted Psalms 62:5-7 to let everyone know they shouldn’t worry because there’s an invisible old man who’s going to make it all better. Which is good because for a minute there I thought Sky Dude might do something like stopping eight-year-olds from accidentally getting shot in the head by their younger brothers, and what would be the point of that when poor Tim’s got the sads about football? It makes no sense.

Photos: Getty