I Don’t Think Jesus Wants Tim Tebow To Play Football

September 3rd, 2013 // 32 Comments
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For those of you wondering why the earth was cast into eternal darkness as a plague of locusts devoured your firstborn, Tim Tebow was cut from the New England Patriots on Friday which left him free to be picked up by any other team in the NFL provided one of them wanted him. Which they didn’t. Fortunately, Tim took the whole thing in stride and jumped on the opportunity to make a big deal about his religion which was odd because I could’ve sworn only the media did that. He almost never mentions it or bows during every game creating a pervasive meme, so all of this was strange, very strange:

I would like to thank Mr. Kraft, Coach Belichick, Coach McDaniels and the entire Patriots organization for giving me the opportunity…
…to be a part of such a classy organization. I pray for nothing but the best for you all. I will remain in relentless pursuit…
…of continuing my lifelong dream of being an NFL quarterback. 2 Corinthians 12:9: And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient…
…for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather…
…boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

He also quoted Psalms 62:5-7 to let everyone know they shouldn’t worry because there’s an invisible old man who’s going to make it all better. Which is good because for a minute there I thought Sky Dude might do something like stopping eight-year-olds from accidentally getting shot in the head by their younger brothers, and what would be the point of that when poor Tim’s got the sads about football? It makes no sense.

Photos: Getty


  1. Tim Tebow Patriots
    Commented on this photo:

    That ball has a 46% chance of being thrown where it’s supposed to go.

  2. Griefer

    The CFL is calling Tebow.

    • If their smart, their calling him a tight end.

    • o0

      The CFL is not calling. They want QBs who can play, just like the NFL.

      • Lady Moustache

        I agree. There are some of us out there who prefer CFL football because it’s more challenging and people actually have to run and pass instead of piling up on each other every 30 seconds and then patting each other’s asses for another full minute…

  3. Oops, “they’re”…teaches me to mess with a keyboard when I’m sick…

  4. Tim Tebow Patriots
    Commented on this photo:

    Leviticus 19:19 – “Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material.” Isn’t that a cotton-poly blend you are wearing, God-boy? To Hell with thee, and all that shop for clothes at Walmart!

  5. Tim Tebow Patriots
    Tomahawk Holmes
    Commented on this photo:

    this double click rich media advertisement on every page is really preventing me from wasting time at work

  6. When a pro athlete who gets cut starts the bible drivel, it is a sign that their career is toast.now he the choice of several careers for washed up pro athletes, Public Motivational Speakers, hocking crap on late night infomercials or double down on the Jesus and spread the gospel through his own homegrown ministry.

    • JC

      Aren’t those careers for washed-up athletes generally reserved for those who were actually successful? I think he’s merited a spot on a short-lived reality game show, tops.

    • If they fucking put him on a pregame show for the NFL I’m going to shit my pants.

      Wait a second, I did that on Monday….. I’m going to be very angry.

  7. adm.fookbar

    So, the dude is into an invisible being that may or may not exist, and may or may not care about what he does in a day.

    But, he’s not shooting kids in the head, running over babies in strollers, doing crack with hookers, or really anything other than not throwing a ball to the best of his ability (I guess, sports are generally useless and I know this guy is some sort of QB)… Why does it matter if he quotes a book that’s got some decent advise mixed in with the whacky stuff about eating things with cloven hooves?

    I don’t get it. I hate to buy into the usual crap from the idiots who use words like “libtard,” but, Fishman, why does it matter if this guy buys into a higher power? Its not like he’s justifying bombing an abortion clinic, FFS.

    Dude, you’re either really losing it or really resorting to lame clickbait, and both are utterly reprehensible for what’s normally still an amusing website/.

    • cc

      I can’t speak for Fish, but I object to it because a lot of these bible thumping types use the bible (or perhaps I should say a few key phrases they know by heart) to justify something or to condemn something else. They trot out some crap from the bible, as though selectively plucking out one line of text is the final word in every argument.

      Of course, I go on to quote some real winners from the bible, at which point they’ll say ‘oh, that’s the old testament’ at which point I ask them when the bible is going to get it’s next do over.


    • The post is making a plea for perspective about Tebow not being a bad guy, just kind of an annoying doofus. Then tells Fish that putting this post up is “utterly reprehensible”, which I would think should be saved for things that really are. I’m not the only one finding that funny, right?

      • adm.fookbar

        Its reprehensible from the perspective of a B list gossip website to have to resort to shitty clickbait to try and garner more attention.

        I used to come here daily for amusement, until they started to do the Uproxx daily run down. Now I go there, and come here when I’m so bored in my day to day that I need something to occupy about a minute of my time.

        The Fish entries in the Uproxx (or whatever parent corp it is) daily run down are almost always the least amusing ones there.

        My problem is this place has gotten so shitty that they have to resort to these cheap tactics to get people in.

        Your blind allegiance to an anonymous website is duly noted, however. I’m not sure I understand that anymore than a lifetime devotion to God giving someone the ability to throw a ball better than the next guy, though.

        Actually, I’m pretty sure I understand it less. At least the latter involves a lifetime of indoctrination and generations of a belief system, yours (and so many others) is just shitty fanboyism.

      • “Its reprehensible from the perspective of a B list gossip website to have to resort to shitty clickbait to try and garner more attention.”

        That is the job of every single fucking website ever, and has been the purpose of this website since it started. You’re just now deciding to be a bitch about it because I called out Timmy Tebow and his horseshit religion which is something I’ve done for years. Case in point: Carrie Prejean.

      • adm.fookbar

        Sorry duder, but this place has really lost its lustre.

        Lest you think I’m some sort of religious zealot, you’re incorrect. Outside of weddings and funerals, I haven’t set foot in a house of worship since…ever.

        And yes, I’m one of those loudmouthed gun owners who has no issue actually supporting reasonable gun control when it actually has effect on illegal crime and not just legal ownership hurdles.

        I’ve been reading this website since somewhere in about 2005, I figure, so I think I’ve been here long enough that I’m qualified to remark on the downward slide in quality of content, specifically in snark and wit.

        Sure, there’s always clickbait, but now its just reaching a point where it seems that you’re just phoning it in.

        Its not just the God and guns nonsense, either. The declining quality overall becomes more and more evident as I expect 4/5ths of the content you post in a week consist of repeating the same tired bikini pap shots you’ve paid in for, or the day/week in review thing which just seems very lazy as far as original content goes.

        I expect you don’t care, and that’s fine. As long as the checks from Spin keep coming, amirite, but amongst the circle of idiots I work with, you’re no longer required reading.

    • Since all you seem to know about him is that he’s “some sort of quarterback”, perhaps that’s why you shouldn’t be reducing this post to mean ol’ Fish being unfair about someone who merely “quotes a book that’s got some decent advise”. And especially so since Tebow seems to have totally missed out on actually following said instructions. “Advice”, btw, is spelt with a “c”.

      Tebow’s gone out of his way to inject overt prayer and mention of said religion into just about everything he does, and especially so on the playing field. And while I normally wouldn’t give that much of a shit about his “buying into a higher power”, as you term it, (even if he did it on everyone else’s time), what’s richly ironic is that the religion that he makes such a public show of following so devoutly actually calls out those who make a spectacle of such openly ostentatious worship, and frowns on exhorting divine intervention to give him, and by extension, his team, victory over his fellow athletes.

      Tebow doesn’t have to be out there calling for abortion clinic bombings for many to find him to be a massive hypocrite and annoying as shit, but nice try with that apologist whitewash. Fish doesn’t suffer either fools or dissemblers, so yeah, that’s why there’s a “reprehensible” post. Seriously, just where the fuck do you think you are?

  8. Urbanspaceman

    This dipshit is incapable of making a public statement without mentioning his faith. If that doesn’t qualify as brainwashing, then nothing does.
    Nothing fails like prayer.

  9. So tired of this fucking douchebag and his rake religious crap. Why doesn’t he just become a preacher and open up a fucking church already and get it over with? He will make way more money doing that then playing football anyway. He can become another scam artist like Joel Osteen.

  10. Bradley Cooper Likes Girls!

    As long as there are religous idiots around, this guy will have a career. Who knows, he may even turn out to be a more successful con artist than Joyce Meyer.

  11. sd

    The Chargers should pick him up for league minimum and run wildcat options when Rivers starts throwing tantrums.

  12. lol.
    this guy is unbearable.
    the only thing worse than watching him trying to be an nfl quarterback is listening to him talk.

  13. trip81

    Why does everybody hate on this guy so much? Why can’t he just believe in what he believes without getting so much heat about it? If you don’t like what he has to say don’t pay attention to him, don’t follow him on twitter or facebook, or read the articles about him, or watch the news story about him. He seems to be a good guy who actually lives by the things he says. I’ve never heard or read anything about him being or doing anything “bad”, but as soon as he says anything about God he gets attacked. Let the guy believe want he wants, isn’t that supposed to be what’s so great about the USofA? The freedom to have your beliefs and not be persecuted because of them. He’s not a good QB and he probably won’t see the field as a starter again. Hate on him for that all you want but he’s still trying to be a good person and set a good example, there’s no reason to hate on that.

    • Randal(l)

      There is plenty of reason to hate on that. If a player were to be named Superbowl MVP and say “There is no god, I accomplished everything I did with out supernatural help” do you think he would get the same kind of hand-jobbing Tebow does. Hell, Tebow does this type of shit every single play

      now imagine if he said “Thanks Allah, you were super cool about helping me win” Lets see how cool the media would be with that


      • trip81

        So do you get that up in arms whenever an actor or musician thanks God after winning an award? Freedom of speech is cool as long as you don’t talk about God? As for your Allah statement I’m pretty sure Muhammad Ali made references to Allah as the Champion.

      • And so does Mos Def constantly. It’s ridiculous to hate this guy this much. And what does he mean the hand jobbing Tebow gets? Everyone is pretty mean to him.

  14. Religion, Politics and Sex, it is best to keep your preferences to yourself. I don’t care what you prefer as long as you keep it to yourself (and it is legal). If you choose to broadcast your preferences on those subjects, be ready for comment. I will definitely let you k now what I think on the subject if you try to force your beliefs on me.

    • GIving an opinion is not forcing their opinion. So when ScarJo was endorsing Obama was she FORCING her beliefs on anyone? Is the blogger of this site forcing his beliefs on all of us every time he writes a political or atheist post? Do you boycott family guy because of how many preferences are written into the plot. I’m religious and I still read this site and don’t feel that any opinions are being forced upon me. I can accept that people have different beliefs and I’m not threatened by it.

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