I Wrote a Review of ‘Thor’

May 9th, 2011 // 62 Comments
Thor Movie Still

As promised, here’s my review of the Kenneth Branagh-directed Thor which is a little off the beaten path of celebrity schadenfreude and more or less an excuse for me to get my nerd on. On that note, I’m going to try and hit the other big three comic flicks of the summer: X-Men: First Class, Green Lantern and Captain America: The First Avenger just for the hell of it. Keep in mind, I’m not a movie blogger, so this might just be the worst review you’ve ever read in your life, or a startling journey deep into the human condition. But mostly that first part.

NOTE: I whited out any potential spoilers, but you can highlight them with your mouse to read them. I’m a clever bitch.

The Hammer Man done beat the bad guys good and make smash-smash.

Let me start off by saying Chris Hemsworth absolutely owned this movie. Up until footage from last year’s 2010 Comic-Con was released, I couldn’t shut up about True Blood’s Alexander Skarsgard being perfect for Thor which, in hindsight, would’ve been fucking clown shoes and not just because you can’t take a man who bangs Kate Bosworth seriously. That said, aesthetic-wise, Chris Hemsworth plays a Classic Marvel/Ultimate Thor hybrid to absolute perfection and evokes an almost Russell Crowe in Gladiator-type vibe during his introduction. Of course, they’re both Australians, and also unfortunately doomed to spending their twilight years hunting Jews between blowjobs delivered under threats of arson, for such is the circle of life.

As for the rest of the movie, let me immediately cop out by making a list of what worked and what didn’t.

The Shit That Worked:
- Again, Chris Hemsworth as Thor. The movie is not so much an origin tale as Thor’s introduced from the beginning as a badass, human wrecking ball with a mythical hammer. Within the first 20 minutes he’s already punched a hole through a massive ice creature’s throat and somehow pulled off an Iraq war metaphor while talking to Anthony Hopkins in a shiny eye-patch. So the movie isn’t wasted watching him learn how to use his powers via a Smash Mouth montage. Not to mention, his screen presence works perfectly for a character who has to tell Robert Downey Jr.‘s Iron Man to fuck off a lot. (If you’re about to say I spent the weekend taping Tiger Beat cutouts of Chris Hemsworth next to Jon Hamm, I got them out of People, smartass.)
- Loki. British actor Tom Hiddleston plays Thor’s brother with a calm, calculating yet still sympathetic edge to him that absolutely works within the father-sons-triangle with Thor and Odin (Anthony Hopkins.) This dynamic is probably the best part of the movie and surprisingly works despite the ridiculous costumes and Anthony Hopkins spending 75% of his screen-timesleeping in a mythical waterbed. Which reminds me of the Marlon Brando anecdote about wanting to use a bagel for Superman’s father so he could just do a voiceover and not have to work as hard. If he were still with us today, he’d ejaculate gravy after seeing this performance.
- The Hawkeye cameo. After Iron Man 2 shit the bed thanks to Marvel trying to cram the entire Avengers movie into it, they’ve apparently corrected course because Jeremy Renner‘s appearance – The sole Avengers cameo in the entire movie. – was not only organic but didn’t involve Scarlett Johansson in a tight leather outf- wait, what the fuck am I saying?
- Heimdall. There was apparently a lot of controversy (Mainly from white supremacists. No, really.) over casting a black actor to play the Viking God who defends the gates of Asgard despite the fact it was freaking Idris Elba from The Wire. It was actually a pretty pivotal role with my only regret being he didn’t play it entirely as Stringer Bell. It’s called gravitas, Kenneth Branagh. Look it up sometime.

The Shit That Kinda Worked:
- Natalie Portman. I don’t want to say the romance didn’t work, but it felt kind of rushed even though it was sold pretty well at the end.
- Asgard, Thor’s mythical home-realm and land of the gods. There was so much more this movie could’ve done with Thor-Odin-Loki dynamic, along with Asgard’s war with the Frost Giants that was just entirely glossed over to get him to Earth so he can make friends with SHIELD and a non-cleavage-showing Kat Dennings (This information might cost ticket sales. Sorry, Paramount.).
- The Rainbow Bridge. How the hell the filmmakers translated a concept such as this to a live-action movie without it looking like a Glee episode was a goddamn miracle. And they almost completely pulled it off until they had Thor say the line, “You mean a Rainbow Bridge,” to Natalie Portman which he might as well have said while diddling his fingers in front of his mouth and adding, “Whoo-oooh-oooh! Naughty!”

The Shit That Shat:
- You know what? Screw spoilers, this needs to be told: Kat Dennings’ giant breasts were covered up the entire movie. She also says all of four lines, so I couldn’t even tell you why she was in it to begin with. Then again, it could’ve been to show up at the premiere looking like this. I’ll ready her Oscar.
- Lady Sif and The Warriors Three. It’s almost as if the costume designers went, “How we can make the movie stop dead every single time these characters appear on screen?” And it worked.
- Natalie Portman as a scientist. It wasn’t Dr. Christmas Jones bad, but her character was dedicated to finding pretty noticeable space vaginas appearing in New Mexico. I don’t even know how to respond to that.
- The End-Credits kicker. The movie does an excellent job with the Loki character only to turn him into a hackneyed caricature of every single super-villain in every single superhero movie which he’ll apparently be in The Avengers. Also, five people even know what the hell the Cosmic Cube is, and I just outed myself as one of them. *moves back into mom’s basement, administers Mountain Dew IV*

Now that I’ve rambled on about the picture book movie I saw, the least I can do is offer up some sort of recommendation on what to do with your hard-earned cash: Buy products advertised on this site If you’re a hardcore fan of the Thor comics – Which for the record, I am not. I’ve only read the J. Michael Straczynski run and last year’s Seige event. – you’ll probably enjoy the hell out of this movie, or slam your vagina shut if you’re a woman and read this sentence. If you’re a cursory fan of the Marvel flicks, the movie’s okay, but it’s mostly a two-hour character introduction for The Avengers. I almost feel like it would’ve been better as a longer version more dedicated to fleshing out Asgard and the Thor-Odin-Loki relationship, or entirely condensed into 30 minutes of The Avengers. It could honestly could go either way. That said, I hardly ever get my butt into a theater thanks to Blu-Ray and OnDemand, but I didn’t feel ripped off or as pissed as I did after Iron Man 2 when this was over, though let’s not pretend that’s saying a lot.

Oh, right, some sort of rating. Uh, 3 out of 5 boobs. (o)(o)(o) [Haha. It's Total Recall.]

superficial

  1. fapappy

    Thunder..nah na na naaa nah na naaaah

  2. Bob

    J. Michael Straczynski is the guy who did Babylon 5, no idea he wrote comics too! I love how you took the spoilers out lol ingenious!

  3. guy rossi

    Not sure I like this movie review thing. Post a pic of Kat Dennings awesome tits and I’ll let you live.

  4. CaseWorker

    That’s a pretty funny review. We shall allow you to bitch and blog for another day ya Spooby.

  5. chupacabra

    oh my god, if my comic book loving boyfriend and I had a baby, it would be you, based on the strangely intriguing nerdy-bad-assery in this post.

    Is it possible I’m your mother and have been sent into the future to read this shitty blog? Or am i just a goat sucking mythical mexican subcreature?

  6. Yeah, Kat Dennings was completely wasted in that film (and not just because her ridiculously awesome-sauce tits were covered, although that does suck). She was a more interesting character (quite a feat considering she had about two-dozen lines in the whole film) than Jane Foster, and should have been the lead as far as I’m concerned. The love story B-plot was completely superfluous…sure, it lets Thor be all emo at the end, but they could’ve done it a different way (plus, you know Thor is going to be in the Avengers, rendering the whole end of the movie sacrifice pointless).

  7. Yo Hammer…don’t hurt ‘em.

  8. sexyman48

    A black Heimdall makes sense, doesn’t every fancy place have a black security guard?

  9. The Cynic

    Yeah, lot’s of blacks and asians in Norse mythology. Just more diversity crap intended to ruin every story we grew up with.

  10. me

    you had me at the total recall reference.

    oh, wait – that was at the end.

    I thoroughly enjoyed this movie – I’m between “thor geek” and “been laid a few times” and I thought it was solidly done and entertaining. Good laughs too – especially surrounding the asgaurdian-speak which they handled well by mocking it and making him sound as silly as he does. The way it worked in the comics was by having someone like Spidey mock him for it, and the film sort of mocked him for it which was clever.

    I’d say Thor fan or no go see it – you’ll have to suspend disbelief less than Fast 5 (physics are our friend) and it’s a fun ride. Agree 100000% about the spoiler – I was like, “I waited for that?” Bleh. They shoulda given us a sneak peak at Hawkeye’s costume or something to make you go “yeah!” as you left.

  11. You’re Thor? I can barely thtand!

    Nailed it.

  12. the captain

    well, he had to come up with something?

  13. Stamos Fan

    Good review man. I went to see this movie dressed up as Thor. And I knew what the Cosmic Cube. I have to agree with most of what you said. All though I was quite pleased with the teaser after the Credits.

  14. Blech

    I didn’t plan on seeing Thor, because some of these modern-day superhero movies suck balls. But this was the BEST movie review I’ve ever read and I may just see it because of you, Fish.

  15. BEE

    @The Cynic. . . the casting doesnt really bother me just as Jesus being portrayed as white doesnt really bother me. . . but that Akira movie. . . that bothers me. . .

  16. thank you Fish for posting this review.

  17. Cuthbert

    This might be being a bit technical, but how you can first say that Hawkeye is “The sole Avengers cameo in the entire movie” and then admit you saw the post-credits scene with 1 1/2 cameos (I’m counting the cube as 1/2 a cameo).

    Additionally, since you (said you) knew what the cosmic cube was, why didn’t you take that discussion farther and describe why it is a horrible idea for a movie. It might sound silly to say, but it’s too powerful to do outside of an actual comic book (by which I mean that the story needed to make an actual “story” out of it is so wild and outlandish, it doesn’t hold up well. Goes too far). Just like how the Infinity Gauntlet will be a total trainwreck.

    Anyway, just my view. And I will add that, while this may negate my whole point of view, I am very very strongly against any Avengers storyline and most of the characters involved. It’s a joke. While he is more appropriate for a movie than Thor, I warn you now that my rant about Captain America will be full of some very naughty words and the wishing of death on anyone who feels otherwise.

    • Simple answer: I don’t count the post-credits scene as the actual movie. People only saw it if they sat in the movie theater through the entire credits which – at least where I saw it – was barely 5% of the audience. The smell of shame and Cheetos was rife that day…

    • V

      I didn’ even know there was a post-credit scene. that stuff doesn’t count.

  18. bdog

    Nice Review. Well balanced, written and funny. Kudos fella
    …I reckon you could get a real job… that pays money and everything
    “:-)

  19. I_HEART_HUCKABEES

    I wish they’d stop casting Natalie Portman in everything. Her acting is wooden and has all the skill of a 16-year-old drama student. Her entire acting record is proof enough against the shit-fest that was “Black Swan.”

    That said, I’m getting really really sick of all these god damned comic book movies. Have they raided every nerd’s closet yet? Are we that close to getting a “Micronauts” movie? Maybe we can do a cross-over…the Micronauts meet the Smurfs. Shithead LaBeuftec will naturally be in it.

    • Agreed. Natalie Portman is not nearly the talented actress she’s built up to be. Her acting revolves around a wide eyed stare and while she looks great on screen & gets good roles, I’ve never fully believed any adult character she’s played.
      I’m biased on the comic trend just bc I’ve never been interested in them period so they’re not geared toward me anyway. I’m just a little sick of the whole regurgitation, prequel, sequel crap and wish they’d come up with more original material.

  20. Cock Dr

    Meh…another comic character movie aimed at children of all ages, which means no full frontal nudity.
    Slap it in the NetFlix list.

  21. Deacon Jones

    As a former comic book addict from the late 80s, early/mid 90s, I really lost interest in any comic book themed movie after “Spider-Man”.

    Nothing in the world will replicate Todd McFarlane’s work in Amazing Spiderman and early Image series.

    It’s like seeing everyone of your favorites books you read made into a movie, which nevers adds up.

  22. keith.mpls

    I totally agree with @bdog and @blech… In fact, if you wrote more reviews of movies – even the one’s you watch on Demand in your mom’s basement (No, not THOSE movies) – you might get a bunch of new traffic to the site, although you’ll have to warn the teens mother’s about your pottymouth and nekkid pix.

    Seriously though, (interweb) advertisers love this movie/book review crap… And maybe even marvel would start buying adspace from your parent/pusher/pimp blog conglomerate (no offense buzzmedia @CindiKnouft)… Or would something of a marvel wrapper/bkgrd ad kill too many of your readers (and damage to their mothers homes) due to spontaneous combustion syndrome?

    I leave it to you, but I’d read more of your takes-on-flicks #justsayin

  23. paul

    Stick to posting pictures of celebrity nipple slips.

  24. Nancy Drew

    Allow me to review your review.

  25. Nancy Drew

    Your review is total ass-shit.

    And Thor sucked.

  26. KickAwesome

    Loved the movie.
    Loved the review.
    Can’t wait to read the next reviews of X-men and Cap.
    While you’re at it, you should do a Green Lantern one too!

  27. DeucePickle

    Yeah the post-credits extra-scene seemed like a waste. It would have been awesome to see it after the Captain America movie tho. I thought they were going to introduce Mark Ruffalo as Bruce Banner since the old professor guy said he knew a scientist that was at the forefront of gamma radiation technology.

  28. TurkusMaximus

    Keep writing reviews, Fish. A longer forum for your intelligence, wit and snark is all good here.

  29. Katie

    Great review! I have to agree with a lot of what you said. I love the Marvel movies and since my husband is a big time comic book nerd, I feel pretty well-versed in comic book knowledge. And of course, as a woman, I enjoy the ROMANCE part of a movie so yeah, I felt like the relationship between Jane and Thor was super rushed. Like, they were that into each other after one kiss? And only one, closed mouth kiss? How much say did Disney have in this movie? Reminds me of when i watched Prince of Persia, sitting there for two hours through this BAAAAD movie and NOT ONCE was there a shirtless Jake Gyllenhaal. Seriously? What was the point of him getting all buffed up if I wasn’t going to see some serious Jakey abs and pecs. And I’m sorry, but I could not control me “Come to mama” when they showed Hemsworth shirtless, it was so blantant and delightful. Anyway, I was very impressed with how they did the rainbow bridge becasue I was honestly thinking to myself before the movie, “how are they going to make the rainbow bridge not look like came from Care-A-Lot?”

    Needless to say, I greatly enjoyed this movie. More than the Hulk but not as much as Ironman. But so far, Chris Hemsworth is my favorite superhero actor. He did make this movie. He was awesome. And I think Kat Dennings was purely in this for comic relief. Even I am fascinated by her boobage. And I think this movie has some good laughs in it. My husband and i have been saying the line all week, “My mortal body grows weak. I crave sustenance.” That might not be word for word but it gives us a chuckle.

  30. I agree with most of your points (or is that ALL of them? can’t tell, still waking up). Kat Dennings was definitely only there for comic relief (for the fanboys they should’ve at least had her working in a bikini). The Asgard/Frost giant stuff was more interesting than the Earth stuff.

    cinemacurmudgeon.com

  31. Nubcake

    Great review. I had similar thoughts. I went to the film with a bunch of Marvel geeks and THEY weren’t even sure what exactly the cube at the end was. It also saddened me that about half the movie wasn’t sure what the Avengers were. It would be great if they could do a different movie just on the whole backstory of the comic books, but I doubt we’ll be seeing any prequels.

    I will say, though, through an artist’s perspective, I was eyegasming throughout the whole Asgard part. I just wanted to give their art director, film director, and concept artists a gigantic hug for their amazing work.

    With Captain America coming out soon (I despise the character but.. will probably see it anyways), I hope to see another one of these.

  32. ‘schadenfreude’, wow that’s a word i thought only alex bennett still used.. :)
    we have civilized words like ‘lulz’

  33. PhuysuLL

    “I NEED A HORSE!” said Thor entering a pet shop.. muahahahhaa~

  34. Brooke

    Since I don’t actually come to this site because I like celebrities or boobs (so what does that leave?), I am all for you posting more movie reviews, especially for anything connected to a video game or comic book. Please review that movie about large breasted blonds in Japanese schoolgirl uniforms who sword fight aliens. I thought it was something I hallucinated, but my husband says he sees the commercials too.

    I am psyched about Thor even though I’ve never read the comics because I like Natalie Portman, I like big beefy men wielding heavy objects, and I like Norse mythology (even if it gets crapped all over). As long as it is better than Iron Man 2, I don’t think it will disappoint me.

  35. docvoltage

    Awesome review. Makes me wish I hadn’t sold my almost complete run of Kirby Journey Into Mystery/Thor Comics at auction.

    Naaahhh…I made bank ! Thank you, Thor !

  36. Pippy Longcockings

    Why is Anthony Hopkins in every mythical werewolf vampire piece of CGI shit that comes out these days? Anthony, you’re a really fucking GREAT actor and being in a piece of microwaved dogshit like “Thor” is completely beneath you. Dude, WTF?!

  37. hum… hammer time!!!

  38. Black

    Seige was honestly one of the best Marvel mega events, right up there with Civil war and house of M. Secret invasion was a big ‘meh’ with some inconsistencies.

    But Siege is honestly one of my all time favorites. I became a big fan of Thor after that.
    Thank you Dark Avengers!- I can totally see this as a movie but there would be a big problem in executing it- I.E. Who is moonstone, ms marvel and Daken (wolverines son)? We were lucky enough to be established with Osborn, Bullseye and Venom w/ loki manipulating Osborn but explaining how two of those previously mentioned characters survived in the film-verse would be a task.

  39. Just so you know, your tricky spoiler highlight things doesn’t work on iPad. Highlighting the text does nothing. Thank you Steve Jobs

  40. dcma

    Loki was indeed one of the best parts, if not the best part, of this entire movie. Awesome review Fish!

Leave A Comment