I Wrote a Review of ‘Thor’

As promised, here’s my review of the Kenneth Branagh-directed Thor which is a little off the beaten path of celebrity schadenfreude and more or less an excuse for me to get my nerd on. On that note, I’m going to try and hit the other big three comic flicks of the summer: X-Men: First Class, Green Lantern and Captain America: The First Avenger just for the hell of it. Keep in mind, I’m not a movie blogger, so this might just be the worst review you’ve ever read in your life, or a startling journey deep into the human condition. But mostly that first part.

NOTE: I whited out any potential spoilers, but you can highlight them with your mouse to read them. I’m a clever bitch.

The Hammer Man done beat the bad guys good and make smash-smash.

Let me start off by saying Chris Hemsworth absolutely owned this movie. Up until footage from last year’s 2010 Comic-Con was released, I couldn’t shut up about True Blood’s Alexander Skarsgard being perfect for Thor which, in hindsight, would’ve been fucking clown shoes and not just because you can’t take a man who bangs Kate Bosworth seriously. That said, aesthetic-wise, Chris Hemsworth plays a Classic Marvel/Ultimate Thor hybrid to absolute perfection and evokes an almost Russell Crowe in Gladiator-type vibe during his introduction. Of course, they’re both Australians, and also unfortunately doomed to spending their twilight years hunting Jews between blowjobs delivered under threats of arson, for such is the circle of life.

As for the rest of the movie, let me immediately cop out by making a list of what worked and what didn’t.

The Shit That Worked:
– Again, Chris Hemsworth as Thor. The movie is not so much an origin tale as Thor’s introduced from the beginning as a badass, human wrecking ball with a mythical hammer. Within the first 20 minutes he’s already punched a hole through a massive ice creature’s throat and somehow pulled off an Iraq war metaphor while talking to Anthony Hopkins in a shiny eye-patch. So the movie isn’t wasted watching him learn how to use his powers via a Smash Mouth montage. Not to mention, his screen presence works perfectly for a character who has to tell Robert Downey Jr.‘s Iron Man to fuck off a lot. (If you’re about to say I spent the weekend taping Tiger Beat cutouts of Chris Hemsworth next to Jon Hamm, I got them out of People, smartass.)
– Loki. British actor Tom Hiddleston plays Thor’s brother with a calm, calculating yet still sympathetic edge to him that absolutely works within the father-sons-triangle with Thor and Odin (Anthony Hopkins.) This dynamic is probably the best part of the movie and surprisingly works despite the ridiculous costumes and Anthony Hopkins spending 75% of his screen-timesleeping in a mythical waterbed. Which reminds me of the Marlon Brando anecdote about wanting to use a bagel for Superman’s father so he could just do a voiceover and not have to work as hard. If he were still with us today, he’d ejaculate gravy after seeing this performance.
– The Hawkeye cameo. After Iron Man 2 shit the bed thanks to Marvel trying to cram the entire Avengers movie into it, they’ve apparently corrected course because Jeremy Renner’s appearance – The sole Avengers cameo in the entire movie. – was not only organic but didn’t involve Scarlett Johansson in a tight leather outf- wait, what the fuck am I saying?
– Heimdall. There was apparently a lot of controversy (Mainly from white supremacists. No, really.) over casting a black actor to play the Viking God who defends the gates of Asgard despite the fact it was freaking Idris Elba from The Wire. It was actually a pretty pivotal role with my only regret being he didn’t play it entirely as Stringer Bell. It’s called gravitas, Kenneth Branagh. Look it up sometime.

The Shit That Kinda Worked:
Natalie Portman. I don’t want to say the romance didn’t work, but it felt kind of rushed even though it was sold pretty well at the end.
– Asgard, Thor’s mythical home-realm and land of the gods. There was so much more this movie could’ve done with Thor-Odin-Loki dynamic, along with Asgard’s war with the Frost Giants that was just entirely glossed over to get him to Earth so he can make friends with SHIELD and a non-cleavage-showing Kat Dennings (This information might cost ticket sales. Sorry, Paramount.).
– The Rainbow Bridge. How the hell the filmmakers translated a concept such as this to a live-action movie without it looking like a Glee episode was a goddamn miracle. And they almost completely pulled it off until they had Thor say the line, “You mean a Rainbow Bridge,” to Natalie Portman which he might as well have said while diddling his fingers in front of his mouth and adding, “Whoo-oooh-oooh! Naughty!”

The Shit That Shat:
– You know what? Screw spoilers, this needs to be told: Kat Dennings’ giant breasts were covered up the entire movie. She also says all of four lines, so I couldn’t even tell you why she was in it to begin with. Then again, it could’ve been to show up at the premiere looking like this. I’ll ready her Oscar.
– Lady Sif and The Warriors Three. It’s almost as if the costume designers went, “How we can make the movie stop dead every single time these characters appear on screen?” And it worked.
– Natalie Portman as a scientist. It wasn’t Dr. Christmas Jones bad, but her character was dedicated to finding pretty noticeable space vaginas appearing in New Mexico. I don’t even know how to respond to that.
– The End-Credits kicker. The movie does an excellent job with the Loki character only to turn him into a hackneyed caricature of every single super-villain in every single superhero movie which he’ll apparently be in The Avengers. Also, five people even know what the hell the Cosmic Cube is, and I just outed myself as one of them. *moves back into mom’s basement, administers Mountain Dew IV*

Now that I’ve rambled on about the picture book movie I saw, the least I can do is offer up some sort of recommendation on what to do with your hard-earned cash: Buy products advertised on this site If you’re a hardcore fan of the Thor comics – Which for the record, I am not. I’ve only read the J. Michael Straczynski run and last year’s Seige event. – you’ll probably enjoy the hell out of this movie, or slam your vagina shut if you’re a woman and read this sentence. If you’re a cursory fan of the Marvel flicks, the movie’s okay, but it’s mostly a two-hour character introduction for The Avengers. I almost feel like it would’ve been better as a longer version more dedicated to fleshing out Asgard and the Thor-Odin-Loki relationship, or entirely condensed into 30 minutes of The Avengers. It could honestly could go either way. That said, I hardly ever get my butt into a theater thanks to Blu-Ray and OnDemand, but I didn’t feel ripped off or as pissed as I did after Iron Man 2 when this was over, though let’s not pretend that’s saying a lot.

Oh, right, some sort of rating. Uh, 3 out of 5 boobs. (o)(o)(o) [Haha. It’s Total Recall.]