The Most Important People on The Internet: Volume 19

March 19th, 2011 // 78 Comments

Welcome to the 19th installment of The Most Important People on The Internet, or more aptly titled, “Ke$ha and Justin Bieber Get Molested By Your Words.” But before digging into to the smooth, commenty center, a special thanks to the following people:

1. Every single person on this Kirstie Alley thread.
2. “Satan’s Bitch” for finding Boner Boy by looking in a place that wasn’t Stephanie Seymour‘s huge breasts. I don’t know why someone would ever do that, but now I can call off the search and finally take off these goggles. (In case he jumped out at me.)

Vaya con Dios,

- The Superficial

Click Here to Start The Gallery

Photos: Pacific Coast News


  1. The Superficial Comments
    Commented on this photo:

    That raptor hand!!! Fuck!!!

  2. The Superficial Comments
    Your Mom
    Commented on this photo:

    “Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me. I’d fuck me so hard.”

  3. The Superficial Comments
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    I swear she looks like Ozzy.

  4. The Superficial Comments
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    Sad but true. There are liars in every gender.
    Thus it’s always best to have sex with trusted people of good character & conduct.
    Of course if you follow that rule you’ll probably be celibate for long stretches of time.

  5. The Superficial Comments
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    Taking naked snaps does not make anyone a whore, it just proves that they’re stupid.

    • RS

      And if the letter posted in this entry is to be believed, the pictures were all taken at the same time, so McFeely Smackup is just an asshole.

  6. The Superficial Comments
    ad naseum
    Commented on this photo:

    LMAO, Little Richard was on fire this week.

  7. Satan's bitch

    Thank ya, thank ya verra much. I’ll be here for the rest of yer lives. Don’t forget to tip yer waitress.

  8. The Superficial Comments
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    Who is this?

  9. johng

    I always love another installment of

    The Most Unfunny Segment on The Internet: Volume 19

  10. The Superficial Comments
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    Even some of the SW males recognize this girl’s terrible fashion issues.

  11. The Superficial Comments
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    You guys make me laugh, but the photos often scare me.

  12. The Superficial Comments
    Commented on this photo:


  13. The Superficial Comments
    Commented on this photo:

    ‘Show me on the Justin Beiber where Usher touched you.’

    ‘It would be faster if I showed you were he didn’t.’

  14. The Superficial Comments
    timmy the dying boy
    Commented on this photo:

    Who’s that on the left? Peter Griffin?

  15. The Superficial Comments
    timmy the dying boy
    Commented on this photo:

    Whaddaya mean, “future?”

  16. LJ

    To repeat myself:

    Where are the f*cking tits?

    Are there no more important tits on the Internet???????

  17. One Ball Joe

    So just what is The Superficial editorial policy? Apparently, The Superficial is a place where people can make all kinds of comments that are edgy, impolite, politically incorrect, demeaning to others, insulting, condescending, deliberately insensitive, etc., and where pretty much any comment can be rationalized by implying that it is ironic, i.e., that we aren’t really mired in superficiality but stand outside the superficial mindset of celebrity culture and make fun of it, in order to hold a mirror up to ourselves and to society.

    Making innuendos about people being gay that also imply that there’s something about being gay we should snicker at is fine.

    Making comments demeaning to women is de rigueur.

    Comments smacking of classism are more than welcome.

    Comments smacking of regionalism are fine.

    It’s perfectly acceptable to make mental retardation and Down syndrome targets of ridicule.

    It’s taken for granted that jokes that make people who are overweight the target of ridicule are more than welcome.

    But it is not okay to use the a term that combines the words “mud” and “shark.” Do that, and the comment will be deleted. Us of that word, for example applying it to “celebrities” like Karissa Shannon and Kendra Wilkinson, apparently crosses some editorial line in The Superficial writer’s mind that leads him to hit the delete key.

    Continue on with making fun of people with Down syndrome, etc. (a comment to the effect that Olivia Munn should change her name to Olivia Munngoloid made around the same time as the mud + shark comment was made did not get deleted).

    • Marceelf

      God, this has been the most annoying, repetitive week of whining comments! If you don’t like it, don’t comment, don’t read, don’t come back! That’s the glorious thing about American Freedom! The right to go away!!

      • One Ball Joe

        If you followed your own advice, Marceelf, you wouldn’t have made your whining comment about my comment.

    • rican

      One Ball, all you have to do is make sure it is written in a clearly satirical context, then it is ok.

    • TomFrank

      Wow, up until that penultimate paragraph, I assumed you were complaining about the general sense of intolerance the comments on this site foster, and I may have conceded your point. But then it turns out that you trump pretty much everyone else in that department, utlimately asking the question for the ages, “Why can’t MY special brand of bigotry be acknowledged?” Adding, “Waaaaaaaahhh!”

      Well done, sir. Well done. *politely applauds*

      • TomFrank

        P.S. If you want to be racist and unshamed, may I suggest IDLYITW. You’ll feel right at home.

      • One Ball Joe

        And if you want to be sexist and classist and make fun of people with Down syndrome and weight problems and people who are gay so much more, may I suggest you stay right here at The Superficial.

        Well done, TomFrank, well done. *politely applauds*

    • fawnaiwanna

      At first I thought this was Randal.

    • Dear One Ball Joe,

      What TomFrank essentially said, plus this:

      I’m supposed to believe someone who’s up in arms over not being able to use “mudshark,” which means calling a white female a race-traitor, honestly has a bleeding heart for people with Down’s, the homosexual community and women in general. Is that really your thesis? Because in the words of Jesus:

      “Fucketh thyself in thy fucking ass, you dumb fucking racist.”

      1 Fuckalonians 5:19

      • johng

        wow that wasnt funny at all

      • One Ball Joe

        Dear Fish,

        No, you’re not supposed to believe anything at all about who my heart does and does not bleed for. That’s not my thesis.

        My thesis is that here at The Superficial, for the most part everybody and everything is fair game for comments that are often bitingly offensive, sarcastic, ironic (not necessarily all three at once). The last time I looked (several days ago), some pretty offensive posts about the ongoing tragedy in Japan had NOT been deleted.

        But again, the point isn’t about whether nor not I have a bleeding heart for the Japanese or people with Down’s, etc. My point is simply a matter of me wondering why you decided to suddenly hit the brakes when you typically let this machine roll on at full speed regardless of who gets mowed down as it barrels along. (I do think there are times when hitting the brakes is called for: I think Gilbert Gottfried’s tweets about the tragedy in Japan were ill-timed, and I think Michael Richard’s “n-word” rant was beyond pathetic.) It’s as if anything goes at The Superficial; one can make bitingly offensive, sarcastic, ironic attacks about anyone and anything, one can even fantasize aloud about killing certain celebrities, and it’s all in good fun, but then someone uses a term that you associate with a very narrow definition and all of a sudden you’re like, “You can’t say THAT on The Superficial! Delete!”

        You say in your reply that the term “mudshark” means “race-traitor.” If you consult the Urban Dictionary online you will find over two dozen definitions of the term, few if any of which define this sarcastic noun as meaning anything as pernicious as “race-traitor.”

        As you are well aware, how you run this ship is your call. I’m just saying that I think you went a little Captain Queeg when you deleted my one-line comment.

      • Myclamisaninnie

        That was lame an disrespectful to God, whether you you are an Atheist or not.
        You must be one angry, unhappy man. I have no prob making fun and joking, but that was not even funny.

        Fuckety fuck fuck,hardy harhar

        not very creative for a writer.

      • Bucky Barnes

        Yay Mr. Fish. I join Mr. G. Leg (if that IS is real name) in saluting you. I can’t wait to see someone holding up a “1 Fuckalonians 5:19″ sign during some future field goal attempt.

    • Is there a LMAO type acronym for how I just pissed myself as I passed out and fell out of my chair due to laughing too hard? Fish… I salute you sir…

      • IttyBittyTittyCommittee

        Oh Gravy, Gravy, Gravy.
        See what you started ol’ chap?
        I have a nephew with the Downs and I cringed and laffed heartily at your comment.
        It was quite the bizarre feeling. Thanks?
        You can liken it to feeling the first time you tried anal.
        “This is so wrong but it feels so good, ah, WTF, when in Bangkok.”

    • Myclamisaninnie

      I can’t respect or listen to a man with one damn ball.

      Come on!

    • Mic

      I think your just crying for attention and just want to be hurt easily. There’s been jokes about all cast and race in this website so stop baiting, yea so are deleted because they are to rude but if used in a funny way don’t see the harm in it. I skinned and scanned to your writing so I dunno. One question though: Y U NO shutup?

  18. Marceelf

    Bloody Mary hangover + overload of Kei$ha/Bieber photos = NOT winning. Going back to bed until the pain stops.

  19. The Superficial Comments
    Commented on this photo:

    I just noticed that his pants are unzipped.
    Now I’m even more confused about what he’s doing.

  20. The Superficial Comments
    Commented on this photo:

    Except for the whole having-talent thing…

  21. The Superficial Comments
    Commented on this photo:

    Read this 3 times, laughed aloud every time.

  22. The Superficial Comments
    Commented on this photo:

    Mmmmm… boobies!

  23. The Superficial Comments
    Commented on this photo:

    It takes two hands to handle a whopper…

  24. The Superficial Comments
    Commented on this photo:

    Stupid is as stupid does…

  25. The Superficial Comments
    Commented on this photo:

    Something just dropped…

  26. Milf

    Wait, I’m just trying to catch up – when did Hermoine get the Ken doll…?

  27. The Superficial Comments
    Commented on this photo:

    my preciousssss

  28. The Superficial Comments
    Commented on this photo:

    She doesn´t look like a dog, not like this one at least.

  29. The Superficial Comments
    Commented on this photo:

    Her glasses are not big enough

  30. The Superficial Comments
    Commented on this photo:

    I saw a lesbian impersonating Bieber the other day. she was more handsome.

  31. The Superficial Comments
    Commented on this photo:

    My favorite!

  32. The Superficial Comments
    Commented on this photo:

    RangeRover Vogue

  33. The Superficial Comments
    Commented on this photo:

    LOL! Brilliant.

    Also reminds me of a Yaz (birth control pill) commercial. “Serious risks of taking Yaz include heart attack, stroke, etc, especially If you’re over the age of 35.”

  34. The Superficial Comments
    justin bieber
    Commented on this photo:

    is it me or does the wax model looks more male then the original

  35. The Superficial Comments
    Commented on this photo:

    I loved her in that freaky scene from Mulholland Drive.

  36. The Superficial Comments
    Commented on this photo:

    I think they breed from a polyp-like system. An embryonic Kardashian starts as a growth on the hind-quarters, and continues to grow, often becoming a sign of success and prosperity, until ultimately, it splits off and leaves to find a suitable host to prey upon.

  37. The Superficial Comments
    Commented on this photo:

    Dude, Little Richard won this week.

  38. The Superficial Comments
    Willy Crawford
    Commented on this photo:

    Wow, for a pop start she’s a real beefer…

  39. The Superficial Comments
    Willy Crawford
    Commented on this photo:

    He really dug deep into the douche side of his closet that night.

  40. The Superficial Comments
    Commented on this photo:

    omg i lol’ed for real, nice one GL

  41. The Superficial Comments
    Commented on this photo:

    ugh, she looks fine. I hate the internet. I hate you all.

  42. cc

    One Ball Joe, just to bring you up to speed:

    A dissertation or thesis is a document submitted in support of candidature for an academic degree or professional qualification presenting the author’s research and findings. In some countries/universities, the word “thesis” or a cognate is used as part of a bachelor’s or master’s course, while “dissertation” is normally applied to a doctorate, whilst, in others, the reverse is true.

    I am pretty sure your screed about The Superficial’s editorial policy is not a thesis.

    • One Ball Joe

      cc, Let me bring you up to speed. You say you are pretty sure that my screed about The Superficial’s editorial policy is not a thesis. I’m positive that what I wrote is not a thesis. I used the term “thesis” solely in reference to the fact that Fish referred to what I wrote as a thesis in his reply to what I wrote.

  43. The Superficial Comments
    Commented on this photo:

    I am scared she’s sitting at home hunched over a bowl of raw squid thinking of ways to get back at everyone who said something nasty.

  44. The Superficial Comments
    Commented on this photo:

    The guy in the shorts was DEFINITELY in a cops episode…a car chase with a battered white pickup and some guy pitching bags of meth out the window.

  45. the captain


  46. The Superficial Comments
    Commented on this photo:

    He is like “I have a penis?”

  47. The Superficial Comments
    Commented on this photo:

    Women, gettem while they’re young.

  48. The Superficial Comments
    crack bang
    Commented on this photo:

    What’s the problem with that??

  49. The Superficial Comments
    Commented on this photo:

    wow. u kinda got me with that one. it isnt lookin good for the guy (?)

  50. Dude chill out man!

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