The Cyrus Emerged From His Dumpster Last Night

“Ya’ll seen my daughter? She told me she’d meet me here to give me some spendin’ money for the afterparty at Dave n’ Busters.”

If you didn’t tune into the CMT Awards last night, you missed a multi-hour commercial for everything middle America survives off of for sustenance: beer, Pepsi, pie crust mix, and Chevy trucks. As expected, there was occasional music, God stuff, and undertones of racism peppered throughout.

As attendees were arriving on the red carpet, E! caught up with “Cyrus” for a moment between 16oz. bud lights to ask him what’s new with his reformed diaper queen daughter and that Australian guy she’s been dragging to sunrise raves.

“Goddamn, my Miley is just making me tons of money- er- making me so happy now that she’s not shoving all them stuffed animals in her cooter. She reminds me of my favorite movie, Ernest Goes to Jail cuz she’s so dang funny and always gettin into mischief! Have you met my half-spawn, Brandi? BRANDI! Get your ass over here- check it out, we didn’t have a dress so I just deflated an old fishin’ raft and safety pinned it to her waist…”

2017 CMT Music Awards Arrivals