The Crap We Missed – Monday 3.11.13

March 11th, 2013 // 414 Comments

“That’s definitely not enough sunscreen, girl. In fact, I’d say you need – *puts on sunglasses* – a little Moore.”

HYEEEEEEEEAHHHHHHHHH!!!

Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed coming to you on the heels of my return from the land of fat white excess known as a Carnival cruise. I haven’t seen anyone so excited to constantly cram their mouth full since that time Fish made me print off Jon Hamm glossies. Anyway, the good news is I didn’t have to involuntarily shat into any bags, so for that I’m grateful, as well as for being back in time to bring you some rife-for-the-captioning goodness. We’ve got Kim Kardashian‘s bloody face from her upcoming “Oh, No, I Totally Thought I Had A Miscarriage, You Guys” Special, David Beckham making a diamond, Jim Toth narrowly avoiding getting his penis chinned off, and finally David Copperfield‘s face which in no way silently conveys the extreme pleasure owning a magical rape island will buy you.

Wait, why didn’t anyone tell me they picked a new pope while I was gone?

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: Bauer-Griffin, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN

superficial

  1. Shemar Moore Checking Out Bikini Chick
    Colin
    Commented on this photo:

    “Finally we get some dudes on this beach.”

  2. Kim Kardashian Bloody Face Vampire Facial Instagram
    Axerty
    Commented on this photo:

    Whole new meaning to social vampire

  3. Kim Kardashian Bloody Face Vampire Facial Instagram
    XJC
    Commented on this photo:

    Kanye drinks beet juice by the gallon, I see.

  4. David Copperfield Creepy Smirk The Croods Premiere
    Commented on this photo:

    Anybody think that’s NOT a rug?

  5. Barry Weiss Storage Wars Child On Lap
    Colin
    Commented on this photo:

    “Don’t worry kid, we’re just seeing how many hot dogs we can… “store” in your pants.”

  6. Kim Kardashian Bloody Face Vampire Facial Instagram
    Senor Trout
    Commented on this photo:

    ‘This is what happened when I let a for-real Klingon give me a golden shower…it was totally worth it.’

  7. Shia LaBeouf Girlfriend Mia Goth Matching Clothes
    Senor Trout
    Commented on this photo:

    ‘See? I’m edgy! I date ugly chicks! Oh I’m so hip!’

  8. Blythe Danner Tongue Out Hit The Wall Premiere
    Colin
    Commented on this photo:

    How did someone so carefree produce Gweneth Paltrow?

  9. Barry Weiss Storage Wars Child On Lap
    Commented on this photo:

    Inside the Papal Conclave.

  10. Steven Tyler Joe Perry Thin Moustache John Varvatos 10th Annual Stuart House Benefit
    Axerty
    Commented on this photo:

    Here’s my impression of Hayden Panettiere.

  11. Lucy Lawless Red Face
    Colin
    Commented on this photo:

    That reminds me, Xena is on Netflix. Goodbye, free time.

  12. Mike Tyson Mikey Tyson Opening Night Of Mike Tyson Undisputed Truth
    Commented on this photo:

    If I looked like her, I wouldn’t be able to get out of the bed in the morning.

    I’d sit around like Chet from “Weird Science” after he got turned into a pile of dogshit

  13. Richard Dean Anderson Fat Long Hair Oz Comic Con
    Commented on this photo:

    You’d think MacGyver could figure out a way to make some scissors.

  14. Barry Weiss Storage Wars Child On Lap
    Senor Trout
    Commented on this photo:

    ‘So I’m backstage at this kid’s concert…where do you want me to sign?…so I’m there, right, and this dude, his name is Connie or something, he’s sitting just like this, right, and he says to this Canadian kid, kind of a wuss, Hey, come sit on me, just like this here, and I said this is too weird for me and I left.’

  15. Joe Manganiello Stupid Clothes John Varvatos 10th Annual Stuart House Benefit
    Axerty
    Commented on this photo:

    Here’s my impression of Steven Tyler

  16. Mickey Rourke Sweatsuit Knit Hat
    ThisWillHurt
    Commented on this photo:

    Is his face wearing sweats too?

  17. Lucy Lawless Red Face
    Commented on this photo:

    D’anna sees the final five paparazzi.

  18. Petra Benova Butt Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    More like Petra BenDova, amirite?

  19. James Caan Red Face
    ThisWillHurt
    Commented on this photo:

    “Looks like there’s a toll booth up ahead, honey. Do you have any change?”
    “KEEP DRIVING!”

  20. Shia LaBeouf Girlfriend Mia Goth Matching Clothes
    Commented on this photo:

    “Sometimes…..when I fart….I think of God”

    “uhh, do you have anymore coke or what?”

  21. Shia LaBeouf Girlfriend Mia Goth Matching Clothes
    Axerty
    Commented on this photo:

    Yeah, I’m growing my neckbeard so I can donate her some eyebrows.

  22. Jim Toth Reese Witherspoon Lakers Game
    Commented on this photo:

    “ohhh, c’mon now. She’s disgusting sweetie. i like your post-pregnancy body so much more. LOOK, cotton candy!”

  23. James Caan Red Face
    Axerty
    Commented on this photo:

    ‘God damnit, I’m not Donald Sutherland!’

  24. Kim Kardashian Bloody Face Vampire Facial Instagram
    Drew
    Commented on this photo:

    I hope a sand storm kicks up as she’s leaving the place.

  25. Paulina Gretzky Tiny Dog Between Breasts
    Commented on this photo:

    I’ve never seen a girl getting “kitty @#$ed before.”

  26. James Caan Red Face
    Commented on this photo:

    Did they steal a cop car?

    Or are mounted laptops the new “it” thing?

  27. Kim Kardashian Bloody Face Vampire Facial Instagram
    Commented on this photo:

    Oh yeah. She looks better already.

  28. Richard Jackson Bad Dog Sculpture
    Commented on this photo:

    I guess you can get away with this when everyone’s high?

    And here I’m getting in trouble for putting my trash out a day early..

  29. Shia LaBeouf Girlfriend Mia Goth Matching Clothes
    Commented on this photo:

    “When I answered your personal ad, I thought you were still the good looking, famous Shia LaBeouf.”

  30. Richard Jackson Bad Dog Sculpture
    Drew
    Commented on this photo:

    I wish I could get paid to sculpt terrible “art”.

  31. Kim Kardashian Bloody Face Vampire Facial Instagram
    ThisWillHurt
    Commented on this photo:

    Kris Jenner feeds her children/clients with only the finest live infants to maintain their youth. Looks like Kim forgot to clean up after she was finished with her screaming newborn. Pregnancy makes you forgetful.

  32. Paulina Gretzky Tiny Dog Between Breasts
    ThisWillHurt
    Commented on this photo:

    Grumpy Cat doesn’t look so grumpy.

  33. Barry Weiss Storage Wars Child On Lap
    Commented on this photo:

    (takes swig of Banker’s Club)
    “alrIGht…wHAt you Say YOU’re namE wAs…Shia LaBouf?!”

  34. Jim Toth Reese Witherspoon Lakers Game
    Commented on this photo:

    JIM: “I remember when your body used to look like that.”
    REESE: “And soon I won’t even remember what your body looks like.”

  35. Russell Simmons
    Commented on this photo:

    Russel must not have gotten the memo on the hazards of opening the Arc of the Covenant in confined spaces.

  36. David Copperfield Creepy Smirk The Croods Premiere
    Commented on this photo:

    For my next trick, I will levitate my hair!

  37. Shemar Moore Checking Out Bikini Chick
    Commented on this photo:

    In every photo like this, my pants unzip.

  38. Richard Dean Anderson Fat Long Hair Oz Comic Con
    Commented on this photo:

    holy shit…that’s MacGyver?

  39. Keshia Knight Pulliam Swimsuit Splash Practice
    Commented on this photo:

    “Uhura, just stop jacking with my hair!”

  40. Kim Kardashian Bloody Face Vampire Facial Instagram
    Fredical
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s doing it all wrong. You gotta cook the placenta before you eat it, and you gotta wait until the kid is born before you cook the placenta!

  41. Kim Kardashian Bloody Face Vampire Facial Instagram
    Fredical
    Commented on this photo:

    Not pictured: The Kool-Aid Man. Oh yeah!

  42. Richard Jackson Bad Dog Sculpture
    Commented on this photo:

    Just missed 30 seconds earlier: Kim Kardashian trying yet another type of facial.

  43. Petra Benova Butt Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    yikes

  44. Nicolas Cage The Croods Premiere
    Commented on this photo:

    That reminds me—I have to polish my shoes.

  45. Steven Tyler Joe Perry Thin Moustache John Varvatos 10th Annual Stuart House Benefit
    Commented on this photo:

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! The sun!!! Renfield close the drapes quckly!

  46. Doutzen Kroes Naked Twitter
    Commented on this photo:

    Only thing missing amongst those flowers… two lips. Yeah, two lips.

  47. Paulina Gretzky Tiny Dog Between Breasts
    Commented on this photo:

    Her tits look just like Demi Moore’s crotch

  48. Kim Kardashian Bloody Face Vampire Facial Instagram
    Commented on this photo:

    Now I’m confused… Is she dating Kanye or Chris Brown?

  49. Keshia Knight Pulliam Swimsuit Splash Practice
    Fredical
    Commented on this photo:

    Dad is great! Gave us some pancakes!

  50. Barry Weiss Storage Wars Child On Lap
    Commented on this photo:

    And suddenly, little McCauley Caulkin, Jr. had one more thing in common with his father.

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