The Crap We Missed – Friday 9.30.11

September 30th, 2011 // 552 Comments

If this is a brochure for your school, now would be a good time to dropout and focus on how you’re going to wage emotional revenge on your parents over the next 20 years for sending you there because clearly they hate you.

Welcome to Friday’s The Crap We Missed, coming at you early because there’s literally nothing going on and, well, it’s Friday. So here’s the long and short of it: The Munchkin Guild instructs Jay Z to tell Gwyneth Paltrow her children’s garments have been rendered – and maybe drive her to the Piggly Wiggly, Orlando Bloom still can’t believe all this only cost him his first born son on his fifth birthday (They stop being cute after that anyway.) and the saddest moment in David Hasselhoff‘s entire life. I’m talking one of his daughters could die and he’d be like, “Remember when I couldn’t get a burger? Now that’s emotional turmoil that shakes you to very core.”

Attention all nerds who know who Vampirella is, you’ll need some spare Underoos handy,

- The Superficial

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: Bauer-Griffin, Fame, Flynet, INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN

superficial

  1. Paula Labaredas Vampirella Meltdown Comics
    Richard McBeef
    Commented on this photo:

    no way that’s comfortable.

    • Yea, that was the first thing I thought of too when I saw this. I mean, how does she manage to wear that to work? No way she’d go grocery shopping in that, can you imagine? You wouldn’t want to go ANYWHERE near those little spritzers in the produce section.

  2. Prince William
    Commented on this photo:

    “Inoperable brain cancer. Tsk, tsk. Wherever did you catch that? Oh, your son has it. And how old is he? Three? Well, it’s not like you’ve had him around long enough to grow attached and all. I remember when I lost my pony, Sergeant Withers, during a freak bout of starvation. Had me broken up for weeks, it did. But you know what always cheered me right up? A jolly old pub song, like this: OOOooooo….”

  3. Whitney Port No Make Up
    tinklepants
    Commented on this photo:

    Thish is the greatestht coffee I’ve had all >hic< week!

  4. Elton John David Furnish Dolphin
    Commented on this photo:

    “He let me fuck his blowhole! This is the greatest day of my life! Get my son in this picture, will you? I want to remember this forever!”

  5. Deena Cortese Minidress Legs
    Commented on this photo:

    Looks like the set of a porn movie; the green screen is so they can CGI someone actually doing the deed.

  6. dick

    Doesn’t anyone appreciate presentation these days? It just isn’t complete until you put an apple in it’s mouth.

  7. Kesha
    Commented on this photo:

    Performing. Is that what they’re calling meth benders these days…

  8. Deena Cortese Minidress Legs
    TomFrank
    Commented on this photo:

    Her ass is bigger than a planet. What a surprise.

  9. Vanessa Hudgens Bra
    swearin
    Commented on this photo:

    I’m assuming that taking her top off is a reflex action at this point to any cell phone camera being pointed at her.

  10. Shia LaBeouf Smoking
    Commented on this photo:

    It’s like we’re being given a blurry sneak-peak 10 years into the future.

  11. Lea Michele Cleavage
    tinklepants
    Commented on this photo:

    Twunt.

  12. Kesha
    Alexandrov Fedoseev
    Commented on this photo:

    Omg! Avatar is real!

  13. Orlando Bloom Miranda Kerr Runway
    Commented on this photo:

    Little does he know the woman behind him wants to cut a bitch.

  14. Marion Cotillard
    Commented on this photo:

    “Left turn at Wilshire, and then three blocks down on the right. You can’t miss it. Big sign outside that says ’2011 National Douche Convention’. Funny, there seems to be more and more chicks like you rocking the NDC every year.”

  15. Amanda Seyfried Hugging Dog
    swearin
    Commented on this photo:

    Someone told her “all men are dogs” and she took it literally.

  16. Paula Labaredas Vampirella Meltdown Comics
    Richard McBeef
    Commented on this photo:

    Dressing up like that and carrying a gun into the comic book shop would probably make for the easiest robbery in history.

  17. Vanessa Hudgens Bra
    Commented on this photo:

    “Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees, look at these!”

  18. Deena Cortese Minidress Legs
    Any Guy
    Commented on this photo:

    the herpes sores are climbing up its feet now?

  19. Kesha
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s been blowing Robert Pattinson again, hasn’t she?

  20. Kesha
    SIN
    Commented on this photo:

    We have all seen her with no makeup and in a bikini. The more crap she put on the better.

  21. Elton John David Furnish Dolphin
    Commented on this photo:

    “Hungry, little fella? Well, we brought you a little something…”

  22. Jay Z Midget
    Commented on this photo:

    “…my name shall be passed down to generations while debating up in barber shops,
    Young slung, hung here, Shorty, the ringmaster from here,
    With a little ambition just what we can become here…”

  23. Orlando Bloom Miranda Kerr Runway
    BlackAndWhiteMinstrel
    Commented on this photo:

    Nice one, Orlando. It’d be a shame to have modelled for Dior in Paris and not have any pictures.

  24. Marion Cotillard
    Any Guy
    Commented on this photo:

    i don’t know who the fuck she is, but … MORE pics please.

  25. rican

    That picture is an oxymoron, well at least it has one moron.

  26. Jay Z Midget
    swearin
    Commented on this photo:

    And thus began the creation of a new hit single “Little Pimpin’”

  27. Whitney Port No Make Up
    Any Guy
    Commented on this photo:

    Adam Sandler looks better with shorter hair apparently.

  28. Vanessa Hudgens Bra
    Ava
    Commented on this photo:

    Remember when she was hot, just a couple of years ago. Wow, time flys….

    • Fester

      You beat me to it. I was just about to type, “Remember when she was hot? Yeah, me neither.”

    • dontkillthemessenger

      Years? That was 6 months ago. It’s been a fast fall. I would still hit that BTW.

      • Deryn

        Give her credit; she could have just weaved her hair back in and been instantly attractive again, but she … eh, who am I kidding; I don’t get it, either.

  29. Paula Labaredas Vampirella Meltdown Comics
    Commented on this photo:

    “And de gun, it make me relevant, yes? They see gun, they think, ‘wow, this lady have power.’ It is art, yes? What’s this? Sure, I can do more side boob.”

  30. Orlando Bloom Miranda Kerr Runway
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    He’s still “in love”. That’s nice; it’s great while it lasts.

  31. Amanda Seyfried Hugging Dog
    Commented on this photo:

    This is the heartwarming story of a dog that loves peanut butter.

  32. Kanye West
    swearin
    Commented on this photo:

    This is his new media strategy, right? Just cover his mouth when in earshot of the press?

  33. Jay Z Midget
    Commented on this photo:

    Jay-Z is announcing a new business collaboration with the underwear gnomes.

  34. Paula Labaredas Vampirella Meltdown Comics
    Any Guy
    Commented on this photo:

    trying for a witty comment here but HOLY SHIT THAT ASSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

  35. Sarah Silverman
    swearin
    Commented on this photo:

    “Whitney Cummings has TWO shows on networks?!”

    • kimmykimkim

      Yes, and they are both fucking horrible. If Whitney Cummings can get two shows on the air, then I could probably sweep the Grammy’s next year. Of course, I’ll have to suck the same dick Whitney did but, its all for the love of the business.

  36. Kanye West
    Rooster
    Commented on this photo:

    non, non, non monsieur, I am not familiar with zees, how you say, on ze down low.

  37. David Hasselhoff Burger Joint
    Fester
    Commented on this photo:

    The Hoff: “Burgers in Glasgow? That FLOORS me!”

  38. Deena Cortese Minidress Legs
    Janice
    Commented on this photo:

    How I know this is staged: no crayons.

  39. Prince William
    BlackAndWhiteMinstrel
    Commented on this photo:

    “That’s right love, Pippa who? Stick it out down there!”

  40. Vanessa Hudgens Bra
    Janice
    Commented on this photo:

    “I swear, my tits used to be out to here!”

  41. Shia LaBeouf Smoking
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    If there’s anyone out there who thinks this guy is hot please comment now so we can mercilessly make fun of you.

  42. Selma Blair
    TomFrank
    Commented on this photo:

    “Oh, Ms. Blair, I think you’re great. Could you do that scene for me from Cruel Intentions? You know…the practice-kissing scene.”

  43. Elton John David Furnish Dolphin
    Janice
    Commented on this photo:

    “Well well! I thought the rumor was true about horses, but now…”

  44. Elton John David Furnish Dolphin
    swearin
    Commented on this photo:

    Is this like a puzzle from Highlights magazine? “One of these eats tuna, two do not…”

  45. Christina Ricci Bathrobe
    Fester
    Commented on this photo:

    Hairstyle: “The Big Bangs Theory” by Moe Howard.

  46. Amanda Seyfried Hugging Dog
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    It’s a shame someone that pretty has to rely on a canine for cuddles.

  47. Whitney Port No Make Up
    Dr. Hufurrrrr
    Commented on this photo:

    Ok, I got my Venti Derp-acino, let’s roll.

  48. Jay Z Midget
    Janice
    Commented on this photo:

    “When my kid is born, he’ll already be taller than you.”

  49. Henry Winkler Penguins SeaWorld
    Ava
    Commented on this photo:

    This is why they want to get rid of Social Security, people were never meant to live this long.

  50. Prince William
    Fester
    Commented on this photo:

    Is there such a place as Comb-over, England? There should be.

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