MTV, Let’s Have A Talk About Teen Mom Jenelle

January 24th, 2013 // 35 Comments
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MTV, above you’ll see a picture of your Teen Mom star Jenelle Evans with her ex-fiance Gary Head who she claims beat her but has now gone back to because she now claims her current husband Courtland Rogers also beat her and knocked up his ex shortly before knocking her up. And if you’re wondering why I’m bringing all this up to you, it’s because this is a person whose life you decided to glamorize the fuck out of by setting it to the latest pop music and acting like this horrible, horrible shit is romantic like Dawson’s Creek. So for the sake of our country, may I recommend you implement the following disclaimer before and after each commercial break if not in place of the entire show. I believe you’ll find it both practical and educational for the idiots who gobble this shit up:

WARNING: DO NOT DO ANYTHING THESE CHICKS ARE DOING AT HOME STARTING FIRST AND FOREMOST WITH NOT GETTING ABORTIONS. NOTHING YOU ARE WATCHING HERE IS EVEN REMOTELY ACCEPTABLE OR JUST “ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT HAPPEN.” WE ARE EMPTY SHELLS OF HUMAN BEINGS FOR EVEN AIRING IT. IF YOU SEE A FRIEND EVEN THINKING ABOUT DOING THIS SHIT, PUNCH HER IN THE TIT UNTIL SHE STOPS. THEN PUNCH HER IN THE TIT AGAIN TO REMIND HER YOU’RE NOT ABOVE PUNCHING HER IN THE TIT. REPEAT AS NECESSARY.

NOW PLEASE ENJOY THE FREE CONDOMS AND MORNING AFTER PILLS WE WENT THROUGH GREAT EXPENSE TO MAKE EACH OF YOUR TVS FIRE OUT OF THE SPEAKERS IN 15 SECOND INTERVALS. INGEST THE LATTER LIBERALLY.

- MTV NETWORKS

Photos: INFdaily, Raef-Ramirez/AKM-GSI

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  1. Deacon Jones

    George Bush hates black people.

  2. At this point, you probably just gave her good press. She is a parasite, but isn’t that what makes a reality star these days? Who cares that she doesn’t have custody of her first child. She knows (as do all the guys who want their 15 secs of fame) that all she has to do is have another poor child and she extends her shelf life.

  3. Karma's Bastard Child

    Last time I watched MTV was 10 years ago and already thought it was complete garbage. Obviously since then they have become a full blown prep school for demons masquerading as network executives.

  4. cc

    Good work there Fish. Now all we have to do is put a similar disclaimer in front of about three quarters of the reality shows out there. The other 1/4 gets ‘This is fake as shit, just in case you are too stupid to figure it out for yourself.’

  5. Arlene

    Like sands through the hourglass, these are the trailer parks of our lives.

  6. alex

    But isn’t it a popular trend now for women to have the crap beat out of them and then go back to the guys that just smashed their faces in?

    You don’t have to be a millionaire entertainer to have your face busted up! Anyone can do it! Join in today kids! Today’s youth have such amazing role models.

  7. It would also probably help if MTV didn’t work so hard to hide the fact that these girls are making $100,000+ a season (plus perks like getting new cars for product placement). Many dumbass young viewers now think that it’s perfectly typical for high school dropout teen moms with no jobs to be buying a new houses and driving around in a new cars–without a care in the world, save for who their ex is banging. You’ll never ONCE hear in a episode that the only reason they’re not living in homeless shelters and riding the bus is that they’re being well paid to pretend to represent typical teen moms.

  8. Juch

    The notion of a disclaimer relies on a faulty premise that reality show viewers have a reading comprehension above the second grade level, if they can in fact read at all.

  9. Annie

    I just cannot with the number of really young teens having sex right now. It’s not even 10 years that I graduated high school and it wasn’t like this back then. We were smarter about things, and those who were having sex were careful to at least not advertise it to the entire internet.

    Just last week I found out that boy I babysat and pretty much met in his mom’s womb is NOW A FATHER. He’s 17. 17!!!11 Not even my sisters who are in their thirties are moms yet. One of them is married and is waiting to have a baby until her husband has a better job and here you have all these idiotic teens reproducing like bunnies.

    MTV sucks, but Jenelle is pretty much the norm these days and this will only get worse the more this generation of parents continues to be afraid of talking about sex to their children. The parents are at fault here, not the fucking television.

    • JC

      I think you’re overestimating the “good old days.” I’m in my late 30s, and there were several teen moms in my high school class of about 90 students. (I was going to say “graduating class,” but…yeah, not so much with the graduating, these ladies.) One of the girls, upon becoming pregnant a second time in high school, was very surprised to learn that sex led to pregnancy, and we actually had “real” sex ed in our backwoods school–not this abstinence only crap.

      There have always been dumb, dumb teenagers with shitty parents, and the interwebs have little to do with it, I guess is what I’m trying to say. The only difference is with reality tv, 10 or 12 of the thousands of teen parents will get paid for it.

  10. Annie

    OH one more thing. Between the horrible stuff on TV these days and the terrible celebrities , I think it’s safe to say that this generation is fucked. Our generations were not this bad, yet we still met our fair share of problems and issues, so imagine what it’s like for teens and tweens today.

    My PSA today, and I seriously mean this, is that you reach out to a dumb teen today and talk to them. If you see a teen making idiotic decisions and the parents not stepping in, please do something. It’s your duty. Give them a long talk and just help in any way. Parents are denial more than ever these days.

    • See, I listened to my parents because my dad would beat my ass if I didn’t. Frankly, I’m not sure how I’m going to handle it when my kids get older, but you can only repeat yourself so often before they just tune you right the fuck out.

    • I think it’s safe to say that this generation is fucked. Our generations were not this bad…

      Every generation says this about every generation that comes after them. Judging from your not-10-years-out-of-high-school comment, I’m about 15 years older than you, and I’m sure I thought you were fucked, too. “Oh, these ‘millennial’ kids who grow up overpraised and feel so entitled and think the world will revolve around them. Wait ’til they grow up and enter the real world,” I said to myself about your generation at one point. And I might still think that, too.

      You may only be 27ish, but if you’re already passing judgment on the next generation, welcome to the first step in getting old.

  11. eh

    The Occam’s Razor rule of domestic violence is, if a chick gets beaten by every guy who dates her for more than an hour, than she has it coming, and society should probably be thanking her beaters for beating her so we don’t have to. They are taking the sin on their souls so we don’t have. It’s like Judas. Look it up, it’s in the Bible.

  12. Cock Dr

    You fellas must really hate to wear condoms.

  13. teddy

    Fish, we only care about the hot teen moms.

    best regards,
    all your readers

  14. I legitimately blame MTV for creating at least 60% of the shit class that is out there today. Just garbage individuals that will never be productive members of society and in a perfect world would be candidates for genocide.

  15. oh. oh. oh. I’ve never loved you more than right now Fish. I haven’t yet looked at any of these comments yet. I will. And then I’ll go back and click every possible link that might earn you advertising $$. I said it, love. This tawdry schlock ‘network’, MTV, morphed into something heinous when I, for one, wasn’t looking. I’ve never watched 1 episode of anything , ever, of any of this shit or the shit they’ve shat. AND YET I know who these fuckers are. That must mean that all the retards (fuck you pc police) who love this stuff, AND the mostly ok people, (family & friends!) who like to watch it & laugh at it, are absorbing it’s awfulfuckedupendofdignity bad bad mojo. *lunges for stoly bottle*

  16. Tinka

    I’m pretty sure it’s perfectly legal to shoot these idiots as self-defense. “This is gene police, get out of the pool!”

  17. Truth be told, MTV does nothing to glamorize this girl or any of the girls on Teen Mom. Seriously, these girls are trailer park dwelling single moms with southern accents, butt pocketless jeans, and K-Swiss shoes. The ones that aren’t in jail or rehab spend their time doing Motocross or crying, crying being the more dignified of the two. Also, you idiots can’t blame this show for the demoralization of society. People have always been stupid and gross. That’s a basic history lesson. Also, teen pregnancy rates have been steadily decreasing for YEARS and continue to drop.

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