Teen Mom Farrah Wants You To Believe Her ‘Sex Tape’ Was The Only Time She’s Had Sex In A Year

May 8th, 2013 // 76 Comments
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Now that 95% of the Internet has seen at least some sort of clip from Teen Mom Farrah‘s “sex tape,” it’s now abundantly clear this thing was a professionally shot, by-the-numbers, hardcore adult film and there was absolutely nothing private or intimate about it. (Okay, maybe the squirting.) To put things in perspective, you could show it to an Amish person and even they’d go, “Oh, Jebediah, that’s a porno.” So naturally none of this has deterred Farrah from still pretending it’s a leaked sex tape ala Kim Kardashian who at least had the wherewithal to not shoot hers in HD with cameramen and a boom mic. In fact, here’s Farrah’s latest bullshit that she tweeted yesterday:

Sure it was. Again, if you’ve seen even a few seconds of this thing, there’s no way this is a chick who’s only had sex once in the past year. Granted, it is like riding a bike, cramming a dildo up your ass and carrying around lube to have anal with a man you just met usually isn’t a sign of a chaste virgin. Or is that what happens when you don’t show a woman your action figures on the first date? All I’m saying is I don’t pose those things perfectly for my health. Anyway, below is Farrah talking to Entertainment Tonight about her porno being a sign of her super-strong femininity now because sticking to one story is super hard, you guys. You don’t even know.

 

NOTE: If you want to hear me say “like” too many times and go way overboard on how I would’ve raised Farrah – In my defense, have you seen her talk to her mom on the show? There’d still be a wooden spoon lodged in my face if I did that. – here’s my quest spot on Never Daunted Radio last night which you’re gonna want to listen to with headphones.

Photos: Vivid.com/Pacific Coast News

superficial

  1. It’s torrentable. I’ve seen it, more or less in it’s entirety. A couple things, fish:

    1. It’s not VHS camcorder days, my goddamn cell phone shoots HD video

    2. I don’t think there were cameramen. Mostly Deen’s POV or tripod shots.

    3. She doesn’t carry around the lube. She has to go downstairs to get it.

    That said, she’s entirely full of shit. She needs to just embrace porn. She could totally go pro. errr, I mean go career.

  2. jim eh

    She’s so ugly, she looks like an wild African animal.

  3. If you watch the video you can see how blown-out her ass is – she’s only a contract away from being a porn star. I really feel sorry for her daughter.

  4. Gumbatei

    At least Kim’s has her doing bullshit besides fucking. She’s talking about wearing swimsuits and out of nowhere she spouts “WE’RE DOING ANAL”. Come on.

  5. OK, having seen this at this point, I can say:

    1. She’s got a pretty decent little dumper on her, definitely firm.
    2. Her asshole does look a little bit “blown out”
    3. At one point in the limo, she has eight, that’s right, EIGHT fingers crammed in her box, with what looks like room for more.
    4. She has seen the Tommy Lee/Pam Anderson video one too many times because the overuse of “baby” in this thing is nauseating.
    5. This was not just amateur porn. This was more professionally shot than most commercial porn. Which is nice because it left little to the imagination.

  6. Cock Dr

    Farrah needs to embrace the fact that she’s now a porn star.
    Farrah might need to make a couple dozen more “backdoor” features before she’s able to do that.
    Farrah, please put away lots of money for your daughter who will need far more help than just some college tution and a car at 18. She’ll need talk therapy for the rest of her days.
    In the meantime I will enjoy her very painful case of denial. Too late for regrets; we’ve now all seen large objects go in and out of her rectum….and everybody can watch it whenever they want until the end of our internet daze.

  7. Michael_D

    Your move, Courtney Stodden

  8. Techman

    A Realdoll has more erotic appeal than this bitch has. There’s nothing worse than watching a girl who is as dumb as dirt having sex, okay…maybe being the unlucky bastard having sex with her would be worse. If I had actually paid to watch this garbage, I’d want my money back. If anyone is considering spending money on this, go blow it on a stripper or a hooker instead. Or give it to a homeless person.

  9. I haven’t seen it yet, due to having to work the night shift this week, so NO SPOILERS!

  10. Her most attractive feature is her big brown eyes, and it seems like she’s pretty successful in using them to her advantage…all three of them.

  11. This woman has the same disconnect that a lot of Cluster B personality disorders (specifically narcissists and people with anti-social tendencies) have – she has no idea that people have the ability to reason and look beyond the face value of whatever idiocy she says and, rather than just blindly accepting her lies as gospel, will actually dare to draw different conclusions based on what her actions are. When they keep insisting that what she says directly contradicts what they can see with their own eyes, she gets majorly pissed off because her bullshit isn’t believed. She tried that same behavior on Dr. Phil re her DUI, and when he wouldn’t play along she tried the “well, that was then, this is now, I just move forward rather than dwelling on past actions” face save – in other words, you need to ignore anything that doesn’t fit with the image I’m presenting or else I’ll hold my breath and turn blue and maybe die and then you’ll be mega-sorry. I really hope the judge who sentences her for that DUI makes sure she dwells on that past action plenty, and also doesn’t give a shit if she has a major tantrum over not getting her way.

    You can tell she’s been playing her delusional parents like this for years, but she also really has no idea how to crook people who aren’t related to her (namely, people who don’t give a fuck whether they please her or not). And her parents, those two enabling, doting morons, would much rather remain in denial than have to admit their lying-ass daughter isn’t a spotless princess who just somehow made a private “wedding-theme” tape that got “leaked”. Which is why they’re insane enough to go on national TV and make fools of themselves by blaming James Deen for being “abusive” for simply talking about the shoot, rather than accept the sad reality that their daughter deliberately made a hard-core porn film and is a lying, spoiled, whiny, manipulative sack of shit who they raised to have an insane amount of entitlement – and absolutely no sense of accountability.

    • Where do her parents live? I’d like to throw a summer film festival starring their daughter’s feature and screen it on the side of their neighbor’s house.

    • Or, she’s even beneath your astute diagnosis, and this is all one big lie in every sense, with no real psychological conditions involved less that of whatever damage it is which could allow her and her “parents” to be in this scenario. What if what you see as a personality disorder manifesting is simply her irritation at her attempts at spin not being accepted? A whore is whoring. She was whoring on MTV, just to a less overt extent. The parents are whoring out their daughter, while playing their role for the cameras.. Their daughter is being reamed like a mule in a Tijuana gay bar, by our nation’s current champion white trash buttfucker, and they are blaming the mule, playing the part. Trash is behaving like trash, while waving Jesus around to spice up the tableau.

      Put it this way: take her off the shrink’s couch, and see her on a stage. EVERYTHING outside of the sex act itself, is a lie. Everything is spin, and damage control, rehearsed boilerplate attempts at characterization, and poor role-playing. This is the most hideous scenario, so it is the one I believe most likely to be the case.

      (That said, f you want to analyze someone, please try Deen. He has the eyes of a serial killer who has found a relatively acceptable outlet for his compulsions.)

      • Why do for the more complex, most outlandish, and most hideous scenario when Occam’s Razor is staring you in the face? Because if we accept your take on things, then the major problem really becomes: what makes her think that anyone in their right mind would accept those feeble and lame attempts at spin in the first place? Because if she does actually understand that what she does is at odds with what she says, and that people are capable of analyzing that difference, then that means all three of them would have to deliberately concoct extremely stupid roles for themselves where they immediately become public laughingstocks – and I don’t know anyone with an ego and an IQ above room temperature who would do that willingly. Clearly you haven’t seen any interviews with her parents and observed how abusively she treats them. Delusion of her parents’ sort, however, will persist in the face of overwhelming logic – and more than adequate proof – through bankruptcy, infidelity and God knows what else. Once people have committed to a delusion it’s extremely hard to get the scales to fall from their eyes, especially if it means facing the face that they’ve been made fools of by the object of their delusional affection. Farrah’s inability to comprehend that she will not be believed if her actions don’t match her words is pretty much forever since it’s part of that disorder – she’s had a lifetime (so far) of crooking her tractable parents to accept her reality, and she’s now coming up against a world that’s neither doting nor enabling of what she has to sell. That’s a big brick wall to smack into.

        So I’m sticking with my personality disorder disconnect, because I’ve seen it too many times before. Her insistence on trying to “explain” things away, with a new spin every time, means we all need to embrace her reality. It’s manifested in OJ Simpson’s book I Want To Tell You. That title is such a giveaway, because it translates to: I will force my spin and rationalizations on you and by sheer willpower, or your wanting to please me out of fear of my anger, will make you forget what the facts are and what my actual behavior is in favor of what I telll you it is. This is what every disastrous Cluster B behavior problem from Diane Downs to Jodie Arias does – they absolutely know they can explain away all their pesky problems, like murder, but you’re not listening!

      • I think OR is more at play on my take on the matter. That’s actually pretty much my point. Of course the attempts at spin are feeble and lame; this is the bottom of the barrel in every way, and every aspect reflects the fact. What I can’t shake is the sense of some sort of agent, publicity advisor, something — it’s why the stage analogy feels apropos. I don’t think the three of them are sitting around the dinner table coming up with all this, my guess is Vivid has some sort of advisor or whatever a porno PR person is called, pulling their strings, telling them how to come off. I have not seen what you reference re the parents, but again, my cynicism has developed so fine a point it would not shock me one bit to find it is all part of the overall campaign, and that someone realized Christians too Blind to See is more interesting than simple Trash Whoring Their Spawn. And hell, there’s no reason we are not both right to no small degree. Our takes are not mutually exclusive. It could be a completely orchestrated scenario starring a textbook case of a personality disorder. The only thing I stick to is a sense it is prewritten, and that little to nothing can be assumed to be the case at face value. It reeks of Don Draper with half the IQ and a willingness to dive back into his seedy past.

      • Welcome to my cynical hell, but in mine the majority of the fucking up people do to their lives is actually the result of their own deficiencies and flawed behavior, and is therefore utterly predictable – it’s front-loaded, and really doesn’t need to be manufactured by any PR machine.

        The problem with your “Vivid done it” explanation is that this dysfunctional pattern of behavior existed long before her connection with Vivid and whatever putative PR schemes would result from that connection. Trash Whoring One’s Spawn is still working just fine for Kris Jenner and her numerous offspring, and quite honestly, I can’t see her – or her parents – deciding that they need to come up with the flip side of that at age 16, which is how old she was when she got knocked up, rather than just using that tried-n-true Kardashian template. They’re – or she – is certainly following it terms of making a sex video, claiming that it was a private shot of Abraham having sex with her “boyfriend”, and then not doubt planning to sell the “leaked” video to Vivid. Unfortunately, they weren’t too good at following that template – first, that attempt backfired when mean ol’ Deen refused to keep up the illusion that they were dating (how “abusive” of him!), as well as the obvious professional job of filming (at least KK had the mother-wit to make hers look home-made). As Fish beautifully said, (“Oh, Jebediah, that’s a porno!”) there really isn’t anyone who’s that naïve.

        Don Draper? You wish. She makes it up as she goes along, and her screaming need, from attaching the much-unearned sobriquet “Superstar” to her first name, to going straight to public cornholing, in an attempt to remain in the public eye now that Teen Moms or whatever the fuck is over and done with, is painfully obvious. Hell, as far as that driven objective goes, she’s like Kate Gosselin, only with bolt-on tits. What’s also really obvious is that Abraham is not at smart as she thinks she is, which is why she puts out one face-saving explanation after the other for this sad romp, none of which hold water. A good PR machine would come up with something better, and would be more consistent about it, not flailing about and trying one excuse after another.

      • I just don’t think it is quite that simple, so I guess you are right about Occam being on your side. But these things don’t just happen. They can’t, not at this level of, for lack of a better word, success. Every chick on every porn tube there is would kill to be in this position, god help them, yet this is the one we see. How then does one go about contacting James Deen, to arrange a good filmed reaming? Did Mom make the call? Jebediah? Or does Emily Post dictate the reamee contact the reamer, in some sort of Sadie Hawkins Sodomy scenario? Such information comes from contacts, and being part of an organized group which can make this happen. I cannot believe those three hideous white trash caricatures could put this together by themselves. Even success on so base a level seems beyond their ken. Maybe it is just what I want to believe, but I will sleep better.

      • Except that not “every chick on every porn tube there is” started out being on TWO reality shows – if you start in porn, you really have no place to go outside of it, unless you happen to be lucky enough to be Traci Lords. Also, this isn’t the ONLY one that we see – you already forgot about Miss Delaware Teen USA pretty damn quick, didn’t you? See, that’s what happens when you do porn first and aren’t famous/notorious for anything else.

        I’m sure that Vivid and other distributors importune people like OctoMom and Kate Gosselin to do the nasty on film all the time, but in this case it appears that Abraham wanted to follow in Kim Kardashian’s urine soaked footsteps and contacted them. It’s not like no ones knows who distributed that tape – so one call, that’s all you really need. And given the demonstrable contempt she has for her parents, I doubt they ever were involved in many of her decisions – this one included.

        Vivid knows what its market is, but I’d also bet cash money that she wanted Deen because of his performance with Lindsay Lohan in The Canyons. Vivid undoubtedly provided Deen – who, BTW, has a big female fan base, not least because of his positive attitude toward women, which is not true of every male porn star (FYI, a woman apparently directed the video.) But after Vivid pretended the shoot was “leaked” he supposedly refused to play along with the lie that they were dating – again, if that’s part of everyone’s Master Marketing Plan, it makes him look like a stand-up guy (no, not that way), while making her look incredibly stupid. Also making her look derpily retarded is her claiming: “I haven’t seen many, but his [cock] is definitely not big.” If the first part of that statement isn’t enough to make you bust a gut laughing considering that blown-out asshole (well, I supposed she might have always kept her eyes shut), then consider the second: once again, we’re supposed to believe just what she tells us rather than what we can clearly see with our own eyes. I call her own idiocy coupled with Vivid’s either not clearing it all with Deen first, or else their deliberately knowing he wouldn’t play along and counting on her knee-jerk lamebrain reaction to heighten interest in their product.

      • Also, exhibit #9,364 in that “believe what I say, not what you see” behavior: she stated at some point that “protection was used”. That looked like a rubberless fuck to me, but I’m sure she’ll get around it by saying she was…um…. talking about being on the Pill. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

  12. j/k

    I has link to low quality stream. You want? Is it ok with Fish?

  13. Her pussy looks like a pack of roast beef thats been dropped from the 30th floor of a skyscraper

  14. Andrew

    Teen Mom Farrah Wants You To Believe Her ‘Sex Tape’ is worth watching.

  15. dontkillthemessenger

    Could this be the first time that a dead parent was awarded custody?

  16. Rob

    You know who the real victim is here? Vivid. They paid this completely average looking girl(by porn standards where stapled on tits are common) millions of dollars for a completely average sex scene. I mean really, other than squirting(which isn’t that rare either), what happens in this scene that isn’t in every single porn scene made today? Poor Vivid. And poor James Deen, now that I think of it. This guy has had his good name dragged through the mud, first by people saying he banged Lohan and now this. Thos porn girl are gonna start demanding he wears a rubber after finding out where he’s been

    • Cock Dr

      I believe Vivid made a few quick and easy millions off of this poor dumb bimbo. They are probably in negotiations right now for Farrah’s next feature….she’ll “make friends” with a lady porn star and then “get drunk and stupid(er)” with several cameras rolling on a well lit set.

    • Dr. JFever

      There is no fucking way Vivid paid this skank what she claims. I’d be surprised if it was anywhere above low six figures ALL negotiated before cameras ever started.

    • Farrah’s dumb video outdid Kim K’s…..Vivid isn’t hurting at all. In fact they’re probably popping a bottle of Dom right now.

  17. It’s a typo: she didn’t say in a year, she said in a rear.

  18. CuriousTroll

    Block-shaped French manicure: the official whore manicure.

  19. Beer Baron

    I’m thinkin’ Arby’s.

  20. Good Lord, are we still talking about this awful, ugly, slag?

  21. Anonymous

    The more this bitch tweets; the bigger the objects I hope get shoved up her ass.

  22. Niki

    Fish, your writing is phenomenal. As a straight woman who could care less about celebrities, this isn’t a site I’d frequent if it wasn’t for the hilarity. I can’t stop laughing about “Oh, Jebediah, that’s a porno.”

  23. ChaCha

    Were Farrah and her parents trying to generate more fans for James Deen? If so, that worked out really well. Nice of them.

  24. Empowerment through ass-to-mouth.

  25. I’ll hold out for the sequel that features anal fisting and a rectal prolapse.

  26. Mstaken

    When did heterosexual sodomy become “normal”?
    Seriously, I’ve always thought it was disgusting and unsanitary and way too painful to actually do. When did women lose all standards of self-respect and value? If the vag isn’t good enough, your loss, cuz the back door remains locked at all times.

    • “When did women lose all standards of self-respect and value?”

      About the time that Kim K, Paris Hilton, Pam Anderson, et al. found that it you are not talented enough to get rich and famous, then acting like a whore on camera ought to do the trick.

      The unfortunate part of it… it works. Why does it work? Because we will all go out, buy/download the video and more importantly, we’ll talk about it on these public forums.

    • Tinka

      What I’ll never understand is people who think that because *they* think something’s disgusting, people doing the exact thing must have no morals. Hard to say if it hurts or not, not having any experience, but what’s it to you if someone likes it? It’s not like it’s a new thing, people just kept their mouth shut up about it before.

  27. anonym

    I saw the video.

    I’d fuck her. She looks better than Kim K at least.

    and she takes it in the butt.

    • Rosy Palm

      What are you talking about? Kimmie took it up the ass. Hell, she sucked her own shit bits off RayJ’s dick right after he pulled out of her diseased stink hole.

      …and I agree with you, as long as she’s d&d free I’d bang Farrah too.

    • i want to fuck both of them in a hot threesome. not sure why everyone is hating on them. they’re both attractive girls. better than average really.

      i’d like to see the girlfriends and wives of those talking shit about Teen Mom.

  28. Burt

    She claims she sold the porno to Vivid in order to “regain control” of it because James Deen revealed they had shot it. Doesn’t make any sense. If that were true, she would have just denied its existence and that would have been the end of it.

  29. Farrah Abraham walks along the shoreline in a sparkling halter top style bikini
    worstmomever
    Commented on this photo:

    i wonder if vivid booked her daughter’s future sex tape in the contract too

  30. 1. – She is not even pretty.
    Two. – So buy it if you then going to be in xvideos.
    Three. – I saw the trailer and of course looks bored.
    Four. – And after that … be another Kim Kardashian?

    aja yeah aja!

  31. Farrah Abraham's butt is clearly visible in this still from her beach photo shoot
    Hail The Mighty Lucifer
    Commented on this photo:

    Blown out asshole. In the vid. Looks like a busted volcano.

  32. Farrah Abraham kneels in the sand in a black swimsuit
    Commented on this photo:

    Square vagina. Why??

  33. Farrah Abraham holds up her arms against a clear blue skyline during her beach photo shoot
    richie
    Commented on this photo:

    …and push that self-respect and dignity waaaay over there – you won’t be needing it where you’re headed.

  34. Farrah Abraham looking off during her photo shoot on the beach
    Commented on this photo:

    Not to put too fine a point on it, but “Poolside Collection” implies a pool, not a “Slimy Rock Perhaps She Will Slip Collection.”

  35. Farrah Abraham appears shocked while wearing a black swimsuit in the waves
    Nette
    Commented on this photo:

    She sure is one unattractive looking hoe !!

  36. Farrah Abraham walks along the shoreline in a sparkling halter top style bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    no thanks

  37. Farrah Abraham walks along the shoreline in a sparkling halter top style bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    ok

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