Taylor Swift Wins Against Gropey McGrabbybutt

The case between Taylor Swift and Gropey McGrabbybutt has finally come to an end. A unanimous jury decided that Gropey is guilty of sexual assault after he reached up under Lady Swift’s undercarriage and helped himself to a sample back in 2013. In case you aren’t caught up, Gropey McGrabbybutt (aka David Mueller) was a Denver radio host who lost his job after allegedly grabbing Tay’s ass. He tried to sue Taylor Swift for $3 million for ruining his reputation and getting him fired. It’s kind of like… if a handsy priest were to say it was that slutty choirboy’s fault for getting him excommunicated.

Taylor Swift countersued Gropey for sexual assault, and I don’t care if you’re cool with a little pinch on the tush here and there, it is assault. Just because he didn’t go full thumb into keister and wiggle it around before giving it a big whiff doesn’t mean his action wasn’t inexcusable. Her countersuit was a symbolic statement for victims everywhere that if you have bazookillions of money and can hire lawyers that were spawned by tiger sharks, you can legally make someone’s life a living hell if they touch your ass.

Taylor just issued this statement, “I want to thank Judge William J. Martinez and the jury for their careful consideration … [my attorneys] and anyone who feels silenced by a sexual assault, and especially anyone who offered their support through this four-year ordeal…” Taylor went on, “I acknowledge the privilege that I benefit from in life, in society and in my ability to shoulder the enormous cost of defending myself in a trial like this. My hope is to help those whose voices should also be heard. Therefore, I will be making donations in the near future to multiple organizations that help sexual assault victims defend themselves.” (From TMZ)

So what’s next for Gropey McGrabbybutt? Honestly, I don’t know for sure but if I had to guess it’d go a little something… like this:

**Gropey will find himself walking home from his late night shift at Denny’s, reeking of burnt butter and self-hate. He’ll see a sign that says “Open Mic Comedy Every Tues” and think to himself, “ya know what Gropey- maybe it’s time to give it another shot…” He’ll show up the next Tuesday, sign his name on the sign up sheet, and have a couple drinks to take the edge off. Unfortunately since his life has been a complete dumpster full of diapers since Taylor Swift picked his carcass clean, he’ll have also developed a pretty serious pill habit by this point. Gropey will then take the stage and perform sad parlor tricks, demanding the five people in attendance tip him an extra $5 to shove a pingpong ball in his keister for his butthole beer pong trick. After getting forcibly removed and tossed into a gutter for exposing his balloon knot inside a TGI Friday’s (did I mention this was all at Friday’s?), he’ll land face down in a puddle of muddy bacon grease. As he sits up and wipes his eyes, he’ll see a bus parked across the street. On the side of that bus will be a giant advertisement for Taylor Swift’s new album, “Fvck You, Gropey”. He’ll begin sobbing as a car speeds by and splashes a puddle onto him.**

Don’t touch other people’s butts, guys…