Taylor Swift Was ‘Too Young’ For Jake Gyllenhaal

January 5th, 2011 // 82 Comments

While the nation spent most of last night and this morning crying in bed over the end of Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal‘s one month long relationship, Us Weekly has tackled the tough question of, “How, Jake? How could you do it?” *sobs into Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper*:

“Jake reached out to her and started all of this, but now he’s not acting as interested,” a source reveals in the new issue of Us Weekly (on stands Wednesday).
The previously inseparable pair called it quits just before New Year’s Eve, then rang in 2011 separately.
“He said he wasn’t feeling it anymore and was uncomfortable with all the attention they got,” says the insider of the just over two-month romance. “He also said he could feel the age difference. Taylor is really upset. We told her not to move so fast with this but she didn’t listen.”

Wow. Let me just state for the record – Read: Taylor’s benefit (How ya doin’?) – that I’m the same age as Jake and “too young” isn’t even in my vocabulary. In fact, I had to look the phrase up just to make sure I was using it right, and I still don’t get it. There was a lot of math. Anyway, I can provide statements from the police and school officials to back that up, not to mention my face is on a county website which practically makes me famous. So dinner at my place?

Photos: Getty, Splash News, WireImage

superficial

  1. Maybe she just wasn’t Bieber enough.

  2. Hugh Gentry

    Jake is such a homo.

  3. kurgen99

    Too Young?
    Jake, you are going to regret that.

  4. Glenn Beck

    wow, dumb kids are dumb

    ITS A REVELATION

    • Benny

      wow a post by glenn beck………i just wanna say buddy i really really really really despise you but like really man.
      your like the worst human being on the planet
      there should be a law that says murder is illegal but hey if its glenn beck then its ok
      really

  5. ElleKay

    Too young = She probably started saying “i love you, jakeypoo” right after he bought her the first of several happy meals.

    Plus, there was that whole threat of a song being written about him. And as bad as she is at writing, i’d have ran too…

    Fucking ignorant whore.

  6. That just proves he’s gay. There is no such thing as too young for a red-blooded hetero. As long as the girl is legal of course.

  7. DarthBlue

    Sound like someone got sent packing for not putting out.

  8. More Hetero Than Jake

    He’s either gay or an an idiot. She’s yummy.

  9. fuyah

    Me Chinese, me play joke, me go pee-pee in your Coke

  10. jamiejames

    didn’t he buy her some sort of lavish jewelry during that one month where they got coffee together a couple times? something is amiss here…not even “beard contract” explains it. i bet she saw him kill a black rhino in november, so he bought her stuff and gave her big-girl hugs, but then right before Christmas he realized she’s taylor swift, and you have to be seven years old to want to actually have a relationship with her. yes, that explains it nicely.

  11. anonymous

    well she is a 20-something year old chick writing and singing songs like she 15 years old. she probably wasn’t mature enough mentally for him.

  12. JR

    Yeah, “too young” is usually code for “holy fuck you’re so immature and annoying shut up please please I beg of you.” Here’s the thing about relationships, guys. After you’re done sticking your dick in a girl, you’ll eventually find yourself talking to this female and relationships tend not to last if said female (or you) has nothing interesting to say.

    I’m a hair younger than Fish and I could NEVER date a 19 year old for that reason. Fuck them, yes. Date them, no.

    • Ain’t that the truth. I can hear it now…

      “But your honor, I gave her fair warning. I said ‘Taylor, if you say ‘OMG’ one more time, I swear I’m going to punch you in the head…’”

    • Santa's Daughter

      Right on JR. Finally someone said it.
      What are all these moronic he’s gay comments for? Look I can’t stand this turd either, but he’s not gay for dumping this whiny brat. Fuck people look at the guys who have dumped her, guys that can, despite their massive doucheness use their fame and money to get whatever ass they want whenever they want it. This girl is obviously, despite her rather superb hotness, fucking annoying as shit. Honestly how does any of this come as a surprise? I knew he’d mess around with her for a while and get what he could and then dump it faster than his sister’s face makes children cry at the park.

      Clearly Taylor’s all young and relatively clean unlike most of the Hollywood hags so most every guy who can will take a ride, she seems to lack the self esteem to wait for a good guy which sucks for her, but the point is she ain’t girlfriend material. Look have we all her her songs? Are they annoying as fuck? Are they all about love or how some bad boy broke her heart? YES YES and YES!

      We know she writes most of that shit right, so we should understand that that’s about what you can expect to come out of her mouth on a date right all night long? Folks this is a girl who barley makes time to breath between talking your ear off and the most annoying pointless shit you have ever heard in your life will come out of that pretty mouth when you can’t manage to stick something in it.

      Ask yourselves are any of her songs about taking any fucking responsibility or how she fucked up? Nope they’re all about “I want love right NOW” (like it’s a fucking designer purse she just wants so bad top go with her shoes) and then how in the end it’s all his fault because it wasn’t the fairytale she expected. This is a spoiled princess and only men who hate themselves and want to live miserable lives will stay with a spoiled princess.

      I won’t even bother to get into how obvious it is that she has not one clue how to please a man and probably just wants to cuddle and be told she’s prettier than that other bitch who sings crap.

      So ya I get why he dumped her and if you don’t your girlfriend is probably an annoying twaty spoiled bitch who can’t spend five seconds alone without texting you and only utters the words “ow” and “get off my hair” in bed. Sucks for you, oh and your gay because a sexless relationship with a girl who just talks about shoes is called you being her best gay friend.

      I win.

      • Well, I do agree with the premis that she is more than likely an annoying whiney immature girl in a hot smoking amazing body and face. Now, she’s been dumped by a lot of guys probably because she does get too clingy OR because she’s dumb enough to put out right away and the guys don’t need to commit to anything with her.

        Having said that, these two were together for a reletively short time. Many men would put up with a lot of whiney crap if their woman was as hot as Swift. No one can deny she is attractive, and I don’t think she would have lasted as long with Mayer if she didn’t know a little something about pleasuring a man. One other theory, she dumped him or them. She could be a man-eater in disguise you know. She could play the ‘whoa is me, I’m so innocent and sweet’ for the cameras but in actuality she is a black widow in training of sorts’. That wouldn’t surprise me in the least either.

      • Santa's Daughter

        True it’s also possible that it’s all an act. She certainly sells a lot of records off her poor me whiny princess songs so fuck maybe as you suggest she is a man eater mastermind. If so she should definitely get into acting because she’s got the vapid bratty little diva who can’t hold on to a guy down pat. I saw her on Ellen once whining about how one of the Jonas twats dumped her on the phone and it reeked of genuine idiot girl desperation. So I’m still going with she’s annoying as all fuck and likes cuddling way more than anything sexual, and that lethal combo is instant boyfriend repellent regardless of what the girl looks like. She’s hot now, but after 35 she’ll look like Nicole Kidman, decent from far and an 80 year old wax statue up close.

  13. Boston_Freek

    The Lisa Frank Trapper keeper reference was fucking hilarious.

  14. C. Lynn

    No shit.

  15. RoboZombie

    Wouldn’t go near her..not cuz she’s too young, but she’d end up writing a song about me! And I think even SHE could come up with a rhyme for “small penis”….

    • akewlazzmom

      *cue music*
      ~oooh, yeah
      you’re little gerkin came between us…
      Uh huh….yeeahh.

      • Mortimer Duke

        General Grevious? Limited genius?

      • akewlazzmom

        First thing that came into my head….hey, it rhymed. Just saying there IS something that rhymes with his “little penis”.
        So sue me! I had just woke up, you expect Dickinson ??

      • akewlazzmom

        Oops…Mortimer Duke. Sorry,
        I think I misread your post!
        My apologies!! {o:

      • My new romeos penis was too small,
        So juliet met him at the mall,
        looked into his eyes and ended this,
        because all he had was a small penis …

        Hence why I’m not writing songs.

  16. LJ

    She’s spent most of the past three years living on a tour bus singing to Country and Western Audiences. That is the total of her “adult” life experience.

    What do you expect?

  17. Richard McBeef

    She had too much of a vagina for Jake, but the tightly stretched pecs were exactly how he likes them.

  18. Deacon Jones

    “Too young”

    (places face in hands, begins sobbing uncontrollably)

  19. Superevil

    There’s no such thing as too young

  20. “too young” is not a literal phrase, it means different things depending on who is saying it.

    If a woman says it, too young means: “god damn she is so much hotter than I am, I can’t believe how badly I let myself go. I have to tear her down somehow”

    If a man says it, too young means: “holy shit this chick is stupid”

  21. Shes a little bit country, And hes a little bit cock in hole.

  22. Me

    Oh no. Jake, you’re gonna get a bad song written about you. A bad, bad song.

  23. Taylor Swift
    Josephine
    Commented on this photo:

    Well, either she gave it up or she didn’t. I’m predicting the latter. One month is too fast to get bored o’ that.

  24. Reggie Rhino

    Nice story,too bad it isn’t the truth. The real reason that Jake bailed on Taylor Swift is………he found out she had BREASTS and a vajayjay!
    He was confused in the beginning by the fact that she looks like a real pretty guy and has a male sounding name.

    • the only opinion that matters

      I have noticed that if women say something negative about a good looking woman on this site all the men jump on her and say she must be a fat ugly cow and she is just jealous. I would like to put it out there that when there is a post about a good looking guy (like Jake) that all the guys who post on this site immediately call him gay. Guess the old jealousy thing works both ways. Just putting it out there. Just sayin.

  25. j-sin

    Bet that ass wasn’t “too young” to tap, Jake!

    • swan

      Totally agree…It’s classic bonk then run behavior.

      • GravyLeg

        She was probably not a great lay though…
        As young and cute as she is, she screams “missionary only”.
        And most likely that is ALL she screams…

  26. Mel Gibson's Shrink

    Well, maybe Jake Gylenhaal is actually a man who wants more than sex with a teenager in a relationship. If I were a thirty-something man, I wouldn’t date a dumb 19 year old either.

  27. Cowboy Bertram

    I wouldn’t date a dumb 19-year old either. I started “dating” 30-year olds when I was 15 and I still prefer a 30-year old in bed to a 19-year old any day. Is a 19 tighter and perkier? Sure. But a 30-year old knows what she is doing and is 1/10th the drama.

    • lightdragon

      speak for yourself. I dealt with one woman in her mid 30′s who acted like 17 year old. some women mature with age while a lot don’t.

    • the only opinion that matters

      and I like you too Cowboy Bertram. But I have to admit, there are alot of crazy 30 years out there too, they will just be better in bed (I hope).

  28. Scott

    Too young = hot and want to bang her, pretend you’re in a relationship, get tired of her and get rid of her.

    This guy gets an A+ for having a great plan how to have an extended one night stand with a hottie and not even have her realize it’s happening.

  29. dramagrl

    can’t wait until she sings about him….

  30. GravyLeg

    At this rate, she is just gonna have to release an album called “Old Men Wanna Stretch Me”…

  31. LJ

    I looked at the picture of Taylor, the scrolled up and down to the pictures of LiLo and was shocked to think that Taylor is only 3 years younger than Lindsay.

    Lindsay looks like a 35 year old drunk who hangs out at the end of the bar giving hand jobs for drinks.

  32. Lady Blah Blah

    I wonder if for Jake this is a case of “Once you go Brokeback, you never go back.”

  33. nonminti

    she should date Kanye West…

  34. noooooooooo

    Corrected the title

    “Taylor Swift Was ‘Too Female’ For Jake Gyllenhaal”

    She dropped her skirt and he just went “where’s the penis?”

  35. Lauren

    Fish: “one-month long relationship”

    keep up the journalistic excellence… love your sight

  36. anon

    Isn’t this the same guy who was banging Jennifer a few months back?

  37. Taylor Swift
    Life Serial
    Commented on this photo:

    All I can think of is fava beans. F-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f.

  38. Justaguy

    In this case, read “he could really feel the age difference” as “she’s not sexually adventurous enough.”

  39. Jamie

    Lisa Frank trapper keeper? Are we soulmates?

  40. Nice Jake, take the teens cherry then suddenly discover, “she’s too young”.
    You’re my HERO!

  41. poopsmith

    puke. jake is so fucking gay, this had to have been a cover up, seriously, who would be dumb enough to date her with that age difference without some career ruination. shes is such an ugly tard, i fucking hate america

Leave A Comment