Calvin Harris Threatens To Sue Over Happy Ending Rumors

“Wait, they do what at massage parlors?”
“Aw, fuck…”

You’d think nothing could be bigger news than Anne Hathaway sending back eggs, and you’d be absolutely right. But yesterday, reports that Taylor Swift dumped Calvin Harris over reports of him allegedly getting a happy ending at a Thai massage parlor tried its best, and failed, to compete with Egg-Gate. Except now Calvin Harris is threatening to sue anyone’s dick off for saying he got his dick off.

According to PEOPLE, Taylor and Calvin are still “going strong,” which she proved by favoriting his tweet? Modern relationships make no fucking sense to me. Or any relationship for that matter because human interaction frightens me. More importantly, this picture happened, which to me, really captures this whole situation:

Taylor Swift Calvin Harris Crotch

“He wants me to pull on that and make stuff come out? Gross.”

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Photos: AKM-GSI, Getty