Tan Mom Vs. Snooki: The Case For More Abortions

May 7th, 2012 // 47 Comments
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While I was a away last week drowning myself in a sea of pork barbecue sandwiches, calabash and homophobia in every direction (Vote May 8 to stop them faggots!), I couldn’t help myself from thinking, “Gosh, I hope the Internet finds a new crazy mom to hate.” And almost as if you heard the cries of my heart, along came Tan Mom. For those of you somehow unaware of Tan Mom who I couldn’t even escape news of even after cramming my iPhone up a seagull’s ass and tossing it out to sea, she’s a New Jersey (of course) mother facing charges of bringing her five-year-old daughter into a tanning salon so she can finally have the Oompa Loompa little girl she’s always dreamed about. And because Tan Mom looks like a Jimmy Dean sausage link with hair, she immediately became a media sensation. Except unlike other batshit moms before her like Botox Mom or Octomom, I’ve been to the beach and seen that if we snap off this one’s head like a Slim Jim, there are 30 more waiting to take her place like a leather-headed hydra. Moms like Snooki who finally found the opportunity to criticize a mother (theoretically) worse than she is. Via Extra:

“That b*** is crazy… you are not supposed to take kids there. Everyone knows you are NOT supposed to take kids there.”

Not one to resist exposure to melanoma, Tan Mom has since fired back to TMZ because if there’s one thing Jersey does better than anyone else, it’s make giant tan asses of itself. Or I’m thinking of the clap? I always get those two confused:

“She’s the biggest a**hole in the world. She’s fake, she’s fat, her t*ts are fake, she’s disgusting.”
Yet, after all that … she continued, “When this is all said and done, I’d like to meet up with ‘Snoopy’.”

What I love most about this story is that when this is “all said and done,” Snooki will have given birth to an extra crispy strip of bacon that requires a heating rock to survive and all everyone will talk about is Bacon Baby reducing Tan Mom to a raised mole that turned out to be nothing. After that, we’ll all die in the coming apocalypse. It’ll be fun.

Photos: Splash News


  1. Why the leather face?

  2. Tan Mom Patricia Krentcil
    Urall Fhags
    Commented on this photo:

    Jesus, it looks like her peace sign could shoot venom into your eyes.

  3. Cock Dr

    Interesting that at the same time some people are burning themselves into cancerous toast to attain that “golden healthy sun-kissed glow” others frantically attempt to lighten their skin tones with abrasion, toxic bleaches, ointments & cremes.

  4. Heather

    She looks like something from Planet of the Apes.

  5. Shouldn’t she be training Rocky for his fight against Apollo Creed?

  6. I can’t place it. Wasn’t there a part in the latest Zelda where that thing tries to keep you from getting the bow and arrow for the first time?

    Seriously. It was a skeleton boss, and when that woman’s skin falls off, that will be what remains. Look at the face. It had the same smile.

  7. Ripley's Believe It Or Not.

    I got nothing. This woman leaves words in her orange dust. Where are the aliens, cause it’s all about to be over, isn’t it?

  8. Deacon Jones


    You gotta do a writeup of your trip down there.
    Reality probably put Eastbound to shame

  9. BiJenni

    Let us not forget, that “Snoopy” is not from New Jersey. She’s a New Yorker that ended up, flopping her greasy self on the Jesey Shore, like so much toxic waste.

    • Gaah, no wonder the whole state smells like cheese.

    • Um…yeah, that’s what Jersey is there for, to serve as containment for people too fucking annoying to be tolerated in New York. You know how in “Escape From New York” they turned the island of Manhattan into a prison? Jersey is kinda like that, only for douchebags.

      I give “Brooklyn 11223″ one season before it becomes “Asbury Park 07712″

  10. Tan Mom Patricia Krentcil
    Commented on this photo:

    Mickey Rourke has a Mom?

  11. Pat C.

    And these people get to vote, right?

  12. She looks like Fire Marshall Bill
    “Let me show you something”

  13. Jonas Grumby

    “She’s fake, she’s fat, her t*ts are fake, she’s disgusting.” – that tag line should be required after every use of the name Snooki.

  14. Dick Hell

    Fish, while you were gone Photo Boy touched me in my ‘special’ place. Not complaining, just thought you’d like to know.

  15. The Most Interesting

    I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: As a respected medical misfit, er, practitioner, Fish deserves a law that allows him to practice involuntary retroactive abortions.

    With extreme prejudice.

  16. Crabby Old Guy

    Put it in a sailor cap, add a corn cob pipe and I’m seeing Popeye. Has anyone offered it a can of spinach to see if it jugs it down and beats the crap outta Brutus?

  17. Tan Mom Patricia Krentcil
    Commented on this photo:

    Dana Carvey is looking good.

  18. Party on, Garth!

  19. Sidney Levine

    Needs more tanning . Not done yet .. Probably not cooked on the inside … oh , wait

    • Akira Kobayashi

      This thing probably has a driver’s license .
      It probably talks about politics and religion at cocktail parties , no strike that , it probably socializes with other iguanas

  20. r,

    that smirk there, she looks like the penguin from the original batman series. except, made out of leather.

  21. kimmykimkim

    Damn, this bitch is pasty.

  22. I’d hit it, with sunscreen.

  23. GetOverYourself

    Only 18 photos? FUCK!

  24. anonym

    this dumb bitch is only 44 years old.

    she’s baked herself to look like age 65.

    way to go, grandma !!!

  25. hmc

    Why are there still posts about this woman, here or anywhere. It’s like saying, “It’s OK if you endanger your child, we’ll just make you a celebrity for 15 minutes.” Or perhaps this is the new version of the freak show at a circus? Either way people like this deserve no attention.

  26. Tan Mom Patricia Krentcil
    KungFu Panda
    Commented on this photo:

    Where does he get all those wonderful toys?

  27. Seriously, my first thought was that Mason Verger from Hannibal had finally embraced Vitamin D for reals.

  28. Okay, who ordered their cretinous fuckwit Extra Tasty Crispy?

  29. ew

    looks like tanning lotion. If she went into a bed she would be brown or red. Here she is just orange and tanning lotion makes you orange

  30. Tan Mom Patricia Krentcil
    Commented on this photo:

    Looks like a thousand years old mummy that got contacted with one drop of water and came back to life

  31. tlmck

    Hooray! Bitter beer face dude gotta new gig!

  32. Carla

    Tan Mom Vs. Snooki: The Case For More Abortions

  33. TheAdmiral

    I saw something about this on the news, but with the sound down so I couldn’t hear while I was at the dentist. I thought it was about some woman with a horrible medical condition that made her skin like that, or possibly about a woman suing someone after plastic surgery went terribly wrong. I can’t understand how she did that to herself intentionally.

  34. Tan Mom Patricia Krentcil
    Commented on this photo:

    The walking dead is here!

    Quick, stock up on rifle ammo. It’s the beginning!

  35. What the fuck is this? I could have sworn I was looking at a walking strip of burnt bacon. I’ll take Snooki over this woman any day.

  36. Tan Mom Patricia Krentcil
    Commented on this photo:

    What film is Burgess Meredith playing a tranny in?

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