While I was a away last week drowning myself in a sea of pork barbecue sandwiches, calabash and homophobia in every direction (Vote May 8 to stop them faggots!), I couldn’t help myself from thinking, “Gosh, I hope the Internet finds a new crazy mom to hate.” And almost as if you heard the cries of my heart, along came Tan Mom. For those of you somehow unaware of Tan Mom who I couldn’t even escape news of even after cramming my iPhone up a seagull’s ass and tossing it out to sea, she’s a New Jersey (of course) mother facing charges of bringing her five-year-old daughter into a tanning salon so she can finally have the Oompa Loompa little girl she’s always dreamed about. And because Tan Mom looks like a Jimmy Dean sausage link with hair, she immediately became a media sensation. Except unlike other batshit moms before her like Botox Mom or Octomom, I’ve been to the beach and seen that if we snap off this one’s head like a Slim Jim, there are 30 more waiting to take her place like a leather-headed hydra. Moms like Snooki who finally found the opportunity to criticize a mother (theoretically) worse than she is. Via Extra:
“That b*** is crazy… you are not supposed to take kids there. Everyone knows you are NOT supposed to take kids there.”
Not one to resist exposure to melanoma, Tan Mom has since fired back to TMZ because if there’s one thing Jersey does better than anyone else, it’s make giant tan asses of itself. Or I’m thinking of the clap? I always get those two confused:
“She’s the biggest a**hole in the world. She’s fake, she’s fat, her t*ts are fake, she’s disgusting.”
Yet, after all that … she continued, “When this is all said and done, I’d like to meet up with ‘Snoopy’.”
What I love most about this story is that when this is “all said and done,” Snooki will have given birth to an extra crispy strip of bacon that requires a heating rock to survive and all everyone will talk about is Bacon Baby reducing Tan Mom to a raised mole that turned out to be nothing. After that, we’ll all die in the coming apocalypse. It’ll be fun.
Photos: Splash News