More Reviews stories

Right In DC’s Butthole: A Review Of ‘Captain America: Civil War’

Captain America: Civil War is *almost* the best of the Marvel movies. Oh shit, hot take! AWOOGA! (Can you tell I’ve been writing this for way too long? I wrote this for way too long.) More »

Eh, It Could’ve Been Worse: A Review of ‘Batman V Superman’

Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice is a movie with Batman and Superman in it. How do you fuck that up? I’m glad you asked. More »

It’s ‘Van Wilder’ With Swords: A Review of ‘Deadpool’

I saw Deadpool in a packed theater last night like a goddamn guinea pig in a sardine can, so you better read this. More »

Holy Shit, It Worked: A Review of ‘Ant-Man’

I went and saw Ant-Man. Here are way too many words about it. More »

So Three Days Is An ‘Age’ Now? A Review of Avengers: Age of Ultron

The Superficial Review of ‘Avengers: Age of Ultron’ More »

Michael Bay Is The Antichrist: A Review of ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’

Last week, I missed a significant chunk of Guardians of The Galaxy thanks to pure death violently escaping my body. And yet what I did get to see in a fevered, anxious fugue was still light years beyond Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in every possible way. If Guardians was a throwback to classic 80s adventures… More »

Deveining Brett Ratner: A Review of ‘X-Men: Days of Future Past’

In the past eight hours since I left the theater, I’ve put way too much thought into X-Men: Days of Future Past which is something you never, ever want to do with an X-Men movie because, holy shit, do these things fall apart under the slightest bit of scrutiny. As for what I’ve been thinking… More »

Goddamn, I Need A Nerd-Cigarette: A Review of ‘Captain America: The Winter Soldier’

For the past few weeks, the advance word on Captain America: The Winter Soldier is that it’s as good as The Avengers if not the best Marvel movie to date. It even made curmudgeony ol’ fusspot Jeff Wells’ heart grow three sizes as it should have because the hype is real. Winter Soldier is the… More »

By Odin’s Beard, These Things Need To Stop: A Review of ‘Thor: The Dark World’

“In the beginning, there was darkness. And in that darkness were elves (Yup, get on board.) with space ships and laser guns and grenades that fucking turned you into a black hole, and they were like, ‘Shit is better when it’s dark.’ But my dad was all like, ‘Dude, I don’t put on this sweet… More »

It’s Robots Punching Monsters 80 Times In The Face: A Review of ‘Pacific Rim’

I’m going to somewhat echo Vince Mancini’s review of Pacific Rim on FilmDrunk by saying that I, too, really, really hoped this movie would be something special. And it is, in places, but at the end of the day, and despite being an original screenplay that wasn’t a comic book or Young Adult bestseller, it’s… More »

Someone Should Probably Tell New Superman People Live In Buildings: A Review of ‘Man of Steel’

“Aw, Superman, come back. We promise we won’t stare at your penis anymore. These aliens are really strong.”

If you’re debating whether to catch Man of Steel and are on a time-crunch, let me save you a pile of nerd words and say, yes, go see it. Because even though it’s not quite… More »

Alice Eve’s Space-Boobs: A Review of ‘Star Trek Into Alice Eve’s Space-Boobs’

Short Version: This is exactly all you see of this. Enjoy the $8 I just saved you. Fin.

It seems like only 11 days ago I wrote a review of Iron Man 3 because I did, so shut up and let my hatred of going out in public talk for a minute. Here’s… More »

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