Posts tagged "Britney Spears"

Bertney Learns Maths

Bertney has to help Sean with his pre-algebra homework, but she doesn't know what any of those words mean. And who's Sean?
By: The Superficial / March 27, 2015

Oh Yeah, Britney Spears Totally Knows Who This Is

Britney Spears and Melissa Joan Hart had a 'Drive Me Crazy' reunion in Veags because Britney obviously remembers that part of her life. You can just see it in her eyes. Her vacant, expressionless eyes.
By: The Superficial / February 20, 2015

Jamie Lynn Spears Pulled A Knife At A Louisiana Pita Shop Fight

If you thought Dustin Diamond is the only pseudo-celebrity whose go-to move is to start stabbing whenever a fight breaks out, Jamie Lynn Spears pulled a knife during a fight at a Louisiana pita shop because apparently that's what happens when you introduce foreign food to the south. Especially the terrorist…
By: The Superficial / January 2, 2015

Bertney & The Amazing Computer Magicked Bikini

Bertney And The Amazing Computer Magicked Berkini Belly A Positive Reinforcement Reader It was a very special day for Bertney. She was at the courthouse seeing the nice old judge who always had the best news to tell Papa. "Well, Mr. Spears," the judge said from his very tall wooden seat. "After watching the surveillance…
By: The Superficial / December 17, 2014

Bertney’s Turkey Durkey Day!

Bertney's Turkey Durkey Day! A Guide To Healthy Eating Bertney loved Thanksgiving. "It's a whole day where I give food presents to my mouth!" she excitedly told a can of whipped cream the caterers had given her so she'd leave the kitchen. "More importantly, Bertney Jean, it's a day to give a thanks," Papa said…
By: The Superficial / November 26, 2014

Bertney’s Special New Berfend

Bertney's Special New Berfend A Learning About Genders Reader Bertney loved having a boyfriend, and Papa always found the nicest ones to take Bertney to all of her favorite places to eat: The Cheesecake Factory, McDonald's, Johnny Rockets, McDonald's again, Red Robin, Taco Bell, and if she was really good, Chuck E. Cheese. It wa…
By: The Superficial / November 10, 2014

Bertney And The Key To The City

Bertney And The Key To The City A Good Citizen Reader Bertney loved keys. She loved keys even more than she loved having a whole day named after her because she already thought every day was named after her. "On Bertney Day everybody goes to church. And on Bertney Day I get to put Lucky…
By: The Superficial / November 6, 2014

Britney Spears Looks Normal, Aware of Her Surroundings. IT’S A TRAP!

Normally this is the part where I'd write an eerily accurate children's story about Britney Spears' dad exploiting her through the use of ice cream and tranquilizers, except Jesus Christ, she not only looks great but self-aware. If you asked her what day it is, she'd probably know it'…
By: The Superficial / October 16, 2014

Bertney Gets Serxy

Bertney Learns To Be Serxy A "Your Changing Body And You" Reader Bertney loved going to the gym. She loved it because Papa stayed home, and she could eat whole bunches of funny tasting candy bars from the snack machine. The gym also had milkshakes, but Bertney didn't drink them anymore because they tasted like…
By: The Superficial / October 14, 2014

Bertney & The Duchess’ Underwear

Bertney & The Duchess' Underwear An "Exploring The World" Adventure Bertney loved getting to travel with Papa. He always took her to new and exciting places with all kinds of different ice creams and McDonald's. Papa said it made her more "cultured" which Bertney thought was a fancy word for hungry because that's what she…
By: The Superficial / September 25, 2014

Papa, What’s Porn? A Very Special Bertney Story

A WARNING TO OUR READERS: This edition of Bertney tackles the very recent and sensitive subject of her "boyfriend," for lack of a better term, David Lucado cheating on her with pornographic actress Cali Lee. It's up to Papa to explain to Bertney what went wrong, and we're sensitive…
By: The Superficial / September 11, 2014

Bertney And The No Good, Gosh Darn Secret That Wouldn’t Stay Secret

Bertney And The No Good, Gosh Darn Secret That Wouldn't Stay A Secret A Learning Story For Junior Secret Keepers A long time ago Bertney got to be in a real, live movie. She doesn't remember much about it, and has never seen it on account of it not being cartoons, but she does remember…
By: The Superficial / September 10, 2014

Bertney Gets Back To Work

Bertney Gets Back To Work A Jump Into Reading! Story For Summer Super Kids Bertney had an extra fun summer vacation this year. She got to visit The Cheesecake Factory, get Boto-tox, and try on fancy britches that looked purty as pie when the nerdy man made pictures i…
By: The Superficial / August 18, 2014

Kanye West Is Still Saying Celebrities Are Treated Like Blacks In The 1960s

That's marital rape, bitch. Of all the soundbites from Kanye West's GQ interview, the most ridiculous one was his claim that celebrities are treated like blacks in the 1960s. Because not a day goes by where Kanye isn't practically sprayed with a firehose, beaten with bricks, or hung from a tree.
By: The Superficial / August 7, 2014

Britney Spears Has A Lingerie Line Now

Despite the fact we know she looks like Ann Coulter and Odo from DS9's fuck-baby now, here's a completely realistic promo image for Britney Spears' lingerie line which we're supposed to believe is designed by her even though it's called "The Intimate Collection" instead of "Fancy Britches." Also, not…
By: The Superficial / July 23, 2014

What Happened To Britney Spears’ Face?

Here's Britney Spears leaving a gym with her mom yesterday - I'll assume this is related. - and seriously, what the hell is going on with her face? Are they starving her? Because my money's on starving her. And yet nobody's going to do anything. But if she wa…
By: The Superficial / July 18, 2014

‘Cheesecakes Costs Monies?’

When Photo Boy slapped together these pics of Britney Spears leaving The Cheesecake Factory, he made sure to point out the look of sheer joy on her face. Which is almost definitely because of The Cheesecake Factory, but she could've just as easily watched Frozen so she'd stay i…
By: The Superficial / July 17, 2014

The Britney Spears Without Autotune Track Is Real

A few days ago, a pre-autotuned version of Britney Spears' "Alien" was leaked online which sounded almost like you'd expect Britney Spears to sound without autotune except knowing the Internet it was probably way too good to be true. (Not to mention she was saying comprehensible words and made it through…
By: The Superficial / July 9, 2014

Bertney’s Smurkurr

Bertney's Smurkurr A Vroom! Vroom! Story For Early Readers Bertney loved her new Smurkurr. "It's like driving a soder can!" she told Papa the day he brought it home. At first, she wasn't happy that her old car had to go away, but Papa said he was tired of burying bodies out by the pool…
By: The Superficial / March 13, 2014

Bertney And The Moobie Party

Bertney And The Moobie Party A Word-Hero Super Tale! Bertney loved moobies. They were always such a fun way to past the time while at home or riding in the car. Especially with Furnch fries! Her favorites have talking animals in them, silly puppets, and sometimes her old friends from being a Mouseketeer. "Ryan Goose'…
By: The Superficial / March 4, 2014
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