Britney Spears falls while performing in Vegas and, yes, that counts as news on the Internet. What doesn’t?
Bertney makes a special new friend while shooting a music video. Her name is Iggy!
Bertney has to help Sean with his pre-algebra homework, but she doesn’t know what any of those words mean. And who’s Sean?
Britney Spears and Melissa Joan Hart had a ‘Drive Me Crazy’ reunion in Veags because Britney obviously remembers that part of her life. You can just see it in her eyes. Her vacant, expressionless eyes.
If you thought Dustin Diamond is the only pseudo-celebrity whose go-to move is to start stabbing whenever a fight breaks out, Jamie Lynn Spears pulled a knife during a fight at a Louisiana pita shop because apparently that’s what happens when you introduce foreign food to the south. Especially the terrorist kind. THIS IS AMERICA.
Bertney And The Amazing Computer Magicked Berkini Belly
A Positive Reinforcement Reader
It was a very special day for Bertney. She was at the courthouse seeing the nice old judge who always had the best news to tell Papa.
“Well, Mr. Spears,” the judge said from his very tall wooden seat.
Bertney’s Turkey Durkey Day!
A Guide To Healthy Eating
Bertney loved Thanksgiving.
“It’s a whole day where I give food presents to my mouth!” she excitedly told a can of whipped cream the caterers had given her so she’d leave the kitchen.
“More importantly, Bertney Jean, it’s a day to…
Bertney’s Special New Berfend
A Learning About Genders Reader
Bertney loved having a boyfriend, and Papa always found the nicest ones to take Bertney to all of her favorite places to eat: The Cheesecake Factory, McDonald’s, Johnny Rockets, McDonald’s again, Red Robin, Taco Bell, and if she was really good, Chuck E.
Bertney And The Key To The City
A Good Citizen Reader
Bertney loved keys. She loved keys even more than she loved having a whole day named after her because she already thought every day was named after her.
“On Bertney Day everybody goes to church. And on Bertney Day I…
Normally this is the part where I’d write an eerily accurate children’s story about Britney Spears’ dad exploiting her through the use of ice cream and tranquilizers, except Jesus Christ, she not only looks great but self-aware. If you asked her what day it is, she’d probably know it’s “T’ursday” which is literally the most…
Bertney Learns To Be Serxy
A “Your Changing Body And You” Reader
Bertney loved going to the gym. She loved it because Papa stayed home, and she could eat whole bunches of funny tasting candy bars from the snack machine. The gym also had milkshakes, but Bertney didn’t drink them anymore because…
Bertney & The Duchess’ Underwear
An “Exploring The World” Adventure
Bertney loved getting to travel with Papa. He always took her to new and exciting places with all kinds of different ice creams and McDonald’s. Papa said it made her more “cultured” which Bertney thought was a fancy word for hungry because…
A WARNING TO OUR READERS:
This edition of Bertney tackles the very recent and sensitive subject of her “boyfriend,” for lack of a better term, David Lucado cheating on her with pornographic actress Cali Lee. It’s up to Papa to explain to Bertney what went wrong, and we’re sensitive to the fact that…
Bertney And The No Good, Gosh Darn Secret That Wouldn’t Stay A Secret
A Learning Story For Junior Secret Keepers
A long time ago Bertney got to be in a real, live movie. She doesn’t remember much about it, and has never seen it on account of it not being cartoons, but…
That’s marital rape, bitch.
Of all the soundbites from Kanye West’s GQ interview, the most ridiculous one was his claim that celebrities are treated like blacks in the 1960s. Because not a day goes by where Kanye isn’t practically sprayed with a firehose, beaten with bricks, or hung from a tree. Having your…
Despite the fact we know she looks like Ann Coulter and Odo from DS9’s fuck-baby now, here’s a completely realistic promo image for Britney Spears’ lingerie line which we’re supposed to believe is designed by her even though it’s called “The Intimate Collection” instead of “Fancy Britches.” Also, not a single outfit is made out…