Over the weekend, Kim Kardashian accused British Airways of stealing “special items” from her luggage which I just assumed was a clever ruse to leak a sex tape she made with Kanye. Turns out she was only doing the press version of whoring because it turns out the whole thing is over a pair of “priceless” sunglasses her father supposedly gave her, so keeping in the mind the First Rule of Kardashian, just assume everything you’re about read is a lie to Kim having a father because now we know she was hatched from an egg. TMZ reports:
When Kim arrived home from France Friday night, she noticed her luggage was significantly lighter than when she left. A search inside the suitcase quickly revealed the thieves made off with a pair of vintage sunglasses her dad, Robert Kardashian, gave her just before he died — sunglasses she only wore on very special occasions.
ROBERT: Kim, my sweet, sweet Kim, come closer to your father. Remember when I helped O.J. get away with murder and we made a bunch of money from it?
KIM: Of course, daddy, you were so brave.
ROBERT: Well, I took that money and bought you these sunglasses so whenever it’s sunny out you’ll always remember I helped a man get off scott-free for murder so we could be rich.
KIM: Oh, daddy, don’t go. You have so much to teach me!
ROBERT: Remember, Kim, souls can’t buy fancy things… Oh, and your mother’s a whore. *croaks*