Steven Seagal Will Fight The Illness Out of Children, Literally, And Other News

“Okay, now which of you has cancer? You’re getting kicked first.”

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- David Hasselhoff will play a porn star on Sons of Anarchy. Wait. Did he murder a baby, too? [Huffington Post]

- Brad Pitt inches closer to marrying Angelina Jolie. [Dlisted]

- Look at Pippa Middleton over there, so you don’t have to fight the inexplicable popularity of her ass over here. [Popsugar]

- Lindsay Lohan just got a new reason to drown herself in gin walk around in difficult heels. [Lainey Gossip]

- JWoww is in lingerie. [Hollywood Tuna]

- And Kate Upton is not, but actually looks like a human woman. [Popoholic]

- Janice Dickinson in the one bikini set we just couldn’t bring ourselves to post pics of. [DrunkenStepfather: NSFW]

- Angelina Jolie is still beating Jennifer Aniston at life. [TooFab]

- Although most of these people are not. [theCHIVE]

- Taylor Lautner has a solution for the NFL lockout, and it involves black people’s love of orange drink. [Just Jared]

- Mike Myers is still alive and apparently doing comedy in England. [Starpulse]

- Jean Claude Van Damme is about 10 years too late to star in a Coor’s Lite ad. [Videogum]

- Lea Michele: 90% Nose. 10% Hot Chick, I guess. [Heavy]

- Cheryl Cole is on the rebound. [MoeJackson]

- Erin Andrews set a precedent that I think we can all get behind. [Bleacher Report]

-25 Celebrities With Their Wax Figures [BuzzFeed]

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