Steven Seagal Is A Russian Arms Dealer Now

June 4th, 2013 // 40 Comments
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A little background: Last week, Republican congressman Dana Rohrabacher was really hoping to find some clues to the Boston Marathon Bombing that would ideally show the Tsarnaev brothers were Obama‘s illegitimate sons (You know black guys…) or at the very least, smuggled into the country with his Kenyan Muslim magic. So Rohrabacher enlisted the aid of Vladimir Putin‘s bestie Steven Seagal to visit Chechnya where Rohrabacher actually had the idiocy to say he was happy to not be on a trip arranged by the agenda-driven State Department while being spoon-fed Vladimir Putin’s agenda via a rape-crazy former action star. Anyway, Vince Mancini has a great write-up on the almost entirely pointless trip except it made Steven Seagal a mover and shaker on the global stage, so now he’s an international arms dealer for the Russians. Oh, good. Via HuffPost Entertainment:

Deputy Prime Minister Dmitry Rogozin said the action movie star may head up an international marketing campaign to promote the Degtarev arms plant, Russian news agencies reported. He accompanied Seagal on a visit there Tuesday.
“You’re ready to fight American (manufacturers) with your teeth and your intellect, and if Americans are prepared to promote and support you, that says we’re learning new ways to work on corporate warfare markets,” Rogozin said.

This raises a whole shitload of questions, so I’ll hit the ones that affect national security the most first:

1. Has Stephen Seagal seen Red Dawn?
2. What are the odds of him trying to pull off a similar scenario except everyone wears kimonos?
3. Is he trying to get diplomatic immunity from rape? (This should’ve been first. You’re right.)
4. If Steven Seagal’s in Russia, who’s guarding the Texas border?
5. Does this have anything to do with the Mexican standing in my house stealing my job as we spea- Hola! Me llamo Señor Jorge Cockjoke. No me gustan los politics. Me encantan las titties! ARRIBA!

(You like the new guy already, don’t you? Sonofabitch.)

Photos: Getty


  1. FattyFatty2X4

    He heard “Pussy Riot” and came right over

  2. He’s living his movies now!

  3. Deacon Jones

    Having grown up in the greatest generation ever for action movies, I find it depressing watching my childhood idols wither away in their 60s.

    And then I see Seagal, and just go, “What a douchebag”.

    “Out For Justice” was the shit, however

  4. Dr Bunsen

    He appears to be using the same wig producer as Travolta.

  5. Goose

    Is Putin really that small? Or is Seagal just that huge?

  6. Steven Seagal Vladimir Putin
    Commented on this photo:

    “Y’know, Mr. Putin, I know something you can do for your balding pattern.”
    “No you don’t.”

  7. Steven Seagal Vladimir Putin
    Commented on this photo:

    Wait! No ponytail? Who i this imposter?

  8. Hola Sr. Jorge Cockjoke. Le damos la bienvenida con los brazos abiertos. Ahora nos movemos hacia la vagina y mama fotos!

  9. Jazzy Jeff

    Putin could kick his ass while sitting on a comfy chair reading a book.

  10. For the record, Dana Roharbacher is not a senator. He’s a Representative from southern Orange County, California–one of the most concentrated right-wing nut job areas of the country. Even though that’s where I happen to hail from, he does not speak for me.

    Señor Jorge Cockjoke DOES, however.

  11. Does Seagal buy his hats the same place Travolta does???

  12. Steven Seagal Vladimir Putin
    Commented on this photo:

    Time has not been nice!

  13. ¡Viva Señor Cockjoke!

  14. Steven Seagal Vladimir Putin
    Commented on this photo:

    Is it weird that the girl is the only one that seems interested in the homoeroticism?

  15. Tronald Dump

    What you do for comedy is what Seagal does for exercise

  16. Pippi Longcocking

    Jesus Christ! For a minute there I thought Bob Guccione had come back from the dead after gaining 100 pounds!

  17. Under Siege 3: All You Can Eat Buffet

  18. Steven Seagal Vladimir Putin
    Commented on this photo:

    Why is Putin hanging around with Ming the Merciless?

  19. Jenn

    Segal stole one of Eddie Munster’s old wigs.

  20. Steven Seagal Vladimir Putin
    Yoda Mann
    Commented on this photo:

    Don’t }¥€# with this man, he will chili-fart you. TO DEATH!!!

  21. In my 60+ years on Planet Earth my arms have gotten somewhat old, weak, and flabby. I’m going to call Steven to look into some arms replacements. Russian would be fine with me. Maybe I’ll have him work me up an estimate to replace other body parts that likewise don’t work as well as they used to…

  22. Steven Seagal Vladimir Putin
    Commented on this photo:

    Nice work raging about a non-story two months after the fact. Stick to buying pictures of pretty girls. Your political acumen is horrid.

  23. Steven Seagal Vladimir Putin
    Commented on this photo:

    Steven Seagal is da fucking Nuclear BOMB

  24. InstantHair

    Yo, check out the spray-on toupee.

  25. Seagal is actually an absolutely amazing guitar player. Some of his stuff is free online someplace, it’s definitely worth 2 or 3 minutes to listen to some of it. Fortunately, he makes no attempt to sing.

  26. MotherOfAllFUps

    Seagal won’t stay long. No tanning salons in Russia.

  27. Not one comment in the article about that HORRIBLE hair piece? I never realized before that pic (not really a Segal fan) that he is 100% BALD. Check the pic. That’s a hairpiece.

  28. William

    Has he turned to the dark side

  29. uıɐʇɹnɔ əɥʇ puıɥəq uɐɯ əɥʇ ʇɐ ʞool ʇ,uop

  30. Steven Seagal Vladimir Putin
    Commented on this photo:

    Vladimir Putin is the ugliest woman I have ever seen.

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