Steven Seagal Is A Russian Arms Dealer Now

A little background: Last week, Republican congressman Dana Rohrabacher was really hoping to find some clues to the Boston Marathon Bombing that would ideally show the Tsarnaev brothers were Obama’s illegitimate sons (You know black guys…) or at the very least, smuggled into the country with his Kenyan Muslim magic. So Rohrabacher enlisted the aid of Vladimir Putin’s bestie Steven Seagal to visit Chechnya where Rohrabacher actually had the idiocy to say he was happy to not be on a trip arranged by the agenda-driven State Department while being spoon-fed Vladimir Putin’s agenda via a rape-crazy former action star. Anyway, Vince Mancini has a great write-up on the almost entirely pointless trip except it made Steven Seagal a mover and shaker on the global stage, so now he’s an international arms dealer for the Russians. Oh, good. Via HuffPost Entertainment:

Deputy Prime Minister Dmitry Rogozin said the action movie star may head up an international marketing campaign to promote the Degtarev arms plant, Russian news agencies reported. He accompanied Seagal on a visit there Tuesday.
“You’re ready to fight American (manufacturers) with your teeth and your intellect, and if Americans are prepared to promote and support you, that says we’re learning new ways to work on corporate warfare markets,” Rogozin said.

This raises a whole shitload of questions, so I’ll hit the ones that affect national security the most first:

1. Has Stephen Seagal seen Red Dawn?
2. What are the odds of him trying to pull off a similar scenario except everyone wears kimonos?
3. Is he trying to get diplomatic immunity from rape? (This should’ve been first. You’re right.)
4. If Steven Seagal’s in Russia, who’s guarding the Texas border?
5. Does this have anything to do with the Mexican standing in my house stealing my job as we spea- Hola! Me llamo Señor Jorge Cockjoke. No me gustan los politics. Me encantan las titties! ARRIBA!

(You like the new guy already, don’t you? Sonofabitch.)

Photos: Getty