Steven Seagal is Patrolling The Border

October 18th, 2011 // 85 Comments

When Photo Boy posted a pic of Steven Seagal visiting the Texas/Mexico border in yesterday’s The Crap We Missed, I just assumed he was filming some sort of segment for his reality show and/or really, really wanted a taco. Turns out he’s actually a legitimate deputy now and has taken it upon himself to protect America’s borders by hanging around with a bunch of overweight Texans itchin’ to shoot anyone Mexico-lookin’. *throws Ambien out the window* Don’t need you anymore. E! News reports:

According to the San Antonio Express, the Above the Law star called the department two months ago to lobby for the job—and not because he was in search of new storylines. After being sworn in this week, he will now join a contingent of deputies patrolling 98 miles of border and 5,500 square miles on the lookout for illegal border crossings.
“It became very clear to me that Mr. Seagal is not in this for the celebrity or the publicity,” Sheriff Arvin West told the paper. “He’s like the rest of us that live down here; he has a sincere passion for his country and he wants to do more to help.”

Yes, because if there’s one thing threatening the immediate security of America as we know it, it’s people sneaking in to pick mushrooms and work the shitty jobs we’re too good for. Thankfully, Steven Seagal’s sitting in a pickup with a flashlight and AK-47 dealing out institutionalized racism or we’d all die in a lake of picante fire. Never change, Texas.

Photos: Splash News, WENN


  1. Steven Seagal Border Patrol Deputy Sheriff
    Commented on this photo:

    I think the only thing he’s been patrolling lately is the kitchen!

  2. Steven Seagal Border Patrol Deputy Sheriff
    Commented on this photo:

    Is that hair in a can?

  3. God is Black

    Pic#2 , When did a fugly, and fat Kim Jong-il join The Texas Rangers?

    • Jay

      fish?, don’t you mean “stay frosty Texas……….”

    • shankyouverymuch

      No, I think OLD Steve looks more & more like Gene Simmons every minute- that freaky hair piece coming to a sharp point on his forehead, oh yeah Steve REAL natural looking! it’s Gene Simmons & Eddy Monster all rolled up into one- kinda scary

  4. Cock Dr

    I give it a month at most.

  5. Steven Seagal Border Patrol Deputy Sheriff
    Commented on this photo:

    Taking fashion tips from BEST KOREA?

    • Get over it

      He’s Kim Jong II “biggie me”. His pants have to be buckled around his balls for them to be that low from his pot belly.

  6. Carles

    Borders are raaaaaaaaaaaaaaacist!

  7. how about putting teenagers to work those shitty jobs?? maybe then they’d understand the value of a fucking dollar, instead of thinking 500 bucks for a fucking phone is sane (the price of a computer!)

    not against hispanics or anyone else here legitimately. but enough’s enough. not like these folks do shit to assimilate US culture. when koreans for example take american names and speeky engrish, then south americans can damn well do the same. and come here legally or not at all.

    • MJB

      What the hell is an American name? Like Sitting Bull?Pocahontas?
      If certain American companies and businesses paid a decent living wage people born and raised here could work them.

      • you know what i’m talking about on names. and you’re right, companies should be subjected to punishment same as migrants. as in thrown out of the US if they don’t comply. reason they’re not is the banks don’t want to see the inflation that comes from paying us proper wages. inflation would drive our comparative debt down, which they don’t want.

        but back on topic, these borders see a lot more than just south americans and drugs crossing. some of those tunnels were built by russians to smuggle nukes into the US. read about the 50 nukes lost a few years back. if you don’t think a wad of them are here now, waiting for word, you’re not reading thoroughly enough.

    • Dick

      Yes, because there are no Koreatown areas in the USA. They dont hang out in Korean only areas and date only Korean people. Doesn’t happen. Also, Shut the fuck up.

    • People who pretend they don’t know the difference between “immigration” and “illegal immigration” are not taking a position of intellectual superiority…they’re holding ignorance as a virtue.

    • D-chi

      preach it. also even Cubans here legally don’t bother to assimilate sometimes. (I’m Cuban and live in Miami.)

  8. Steven Seagal Border Patrol Deputy Sheriff
    Buddy the Elf
    Commented on this photo:

    That’s widows peak weave is so natural and lifelike.

  9. DeucePickle

    I live in Texas, yet I don’t feel any safer.
    But on the bright side, he’ll like the mexican food here alot better than the crap they have in California so he’ll only be getting fatter.

  10. Frank Burns

    Somebody must have told him the border was covered in chocolate frosting. And from the look of that Sheriff, it just may be.

  11. cc

    That’s what I usually recommend to people in a volatile situation…add a moron.

  12. Veronika Larsson

    Is Seagal going to eat the illegal Mexican immigrants as they cross the border? Looks like it, and gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “Mexican food”.

  13. the masses

    Fuck yeah! Send in that Cockpuncher dude – BAM!!! Right in the balls!

  14. glinda

    oh, I see, that’s where Travolta’s old hairpieces go to die.

  15. Really?

    It’s obvious Seagal is patrolling Dunkin Donuts too with the rest of the pseudo cops.

  16. it had to be said

    Look at that smile. He has no idea that there will be actual illegal aliens and the job might be dangerous. This can only end badly and will be hilarious.

    • BE

      Let’s hope so. More likely, someone else is going to get shot trying to protect his do-anything-for-a-crumb-of-publicity ass…

  17. MJB

    He looks like Gene Simmons’ special needs brother in the main pic.

  18. Dinosaurland

    Steve. This was not the message you were supposed to take away from filming Machete.

  19. Roughing is in the bill of rights

    You call that reversal of fortune. In the 1500s Mexico had a border control problem and guess who was at the end of it?

  20. Annie

    I have a good friend that is a border patrol agent. Not a day goes by that they aren’t put in life threatening situations dealing with drug cartels and their armed thugs. They are shot at and risk their lives to protect ours. If the superficial writers think border security is unneeded then maybe you should go spend a month down there hanging out on the trails and see if you come back alive. Until then, save your comments for shit that you know about, like Lindsey Lohans total failures.

    • Venom

      The only reason that there are Mexican drug cartels is because marijuana is illegal.
      You don’t see any Mexican cigarette or tequila cartels, do you?
      Don’t delude yourself, your friend is out there because he wants to play hero and tell people he is protecting us and blah blah blah and legally hunt human beings.

      And drugs is a highly profitable multi-billion dollar business, if you don’t think some of the wealthiest and most powerful people in the world don’t have a hand in it, you are delusional, including the Federal Government.

      • BE

        +1 to ANNIE!!

        I live five miles from border patrol in our state and have friends working there too. Not only do they have more power they have about 10 times the risk of your average major city cop.

        Venom. If you think making pot legal is going to cure the coke, meth and human trafficking issues, you’re simply an idiot. Of course, drugs DO make you stupid – so there you are. Don’t believe me? Watch your long term daily pot smokers zone out for a couple of a minutes in the middle of a sentence. Yeah, we want to make that easy to do to yourself.

        And by all means, pot head, Ignore everything about the loss of life, wealth and health, drug addiction. Can’t say the cigarettes and alcohol addictions exactly improve society either.

      • Hmm, that’s not entirely true Venom. Marijuana makes up aprox. 60% of drug cartels, leaving a huge profit margin for cocaine, meth, heroine, etc. Also, just because it’s legal, it won’t stop them from entering the legal market. Another factor is the fact that drugs in total only make up about half of their illegal activities, with kidnapping and oil theft also making them huge $$.
        Point is, yes, legalizing marijuana will have a short term affect on their pocketbook and criminal activity, but it is by far the “only reason” why there are Mexican drug cartels and they will only find other ways to make $ and committ crime.

        You are correct about the Government and wealthy businessmen being a part of it though, “it” being marijuana and oil funneling in particular.

      • Venom

        BE, not a pothead, never done any illegal drugs in my life actually, I don’t even smoke and probably drink maybe 5 times a year max.

        Are potheads idiots? Sure. But they are harmless and I would rather have a pothead on the road than a drunk driver. And I would rather have a pot smoker next to me than a vile cigarette smoker.
        99% of meth and heroin dealers I have ever seen in my life are American white people so you might want to take a look there for that problem.

        I like how you deflect the blame for drugs and human trafficking on the Mexicans while failing to account for the fact that the people paying the Mexicans for these things are almost exclusively American white people. Supply and Demand, if there is no demand, there would be no supply from the Mexicans.

        If the American government truly wanted to get rid of the Mexican cartels, they could you know bring the military back from the bullshit wars a million miles aways and you know send them into Mexico, but they have not and seem to have no inclination to do so.

        Instead of spouting off at the mouth like a redneck hillbilly, perhaps you should take 5 minutes to think out a proper well thought out of argument.

        And let’s not talk about prescription drugs, you sad pathetic fuckers are so addicted to every kind of prescription drug it is downright pathetic. You medicate yourselves, your kids and even your animals.

      • BE

        Well Venom. Right off hand, I’ll simply call you a liar. I live near an area where public pot smoking is a minor fine. So, I’ve sat in a restaurants with pot smoke wafting across our table while we were trying eat our food. It’s just as distracting as cigarette smoke (possibly more so because it’s sickly sweet smelling) unless of course you like it – but then that usually means you’re a pot smoker, huh?

        And by all means, accuse me of things I haven’t said such as “deflecting blame on Mexicans” when all I did was point out that addictions (illegal or otherwise) cost us all personally and as a society.

        Might I suggest you attend a couple of AA or NA meetings before putting your supposedly innocent and somewhat vapid opinions out there about experiences you claim you don’t have?

        As those of us who actually live near the borders know: There’s plenty for border patrol to do that has nothing to do with that tired old “legalization of pot”
        argument the potheads drag up at any opportunity. Pot’s pretty legal here and guess what – we’re also sport ownership of the murder capital of the United States. Hmmm.

        You are a huge bigot – claiming that ALL border patrol agents want to do is hunt humans. Hah! What do YOU really know about it? Live near a border and see what happens you idiot. Or better yet, read a newspaper once in a while.

        Traffickers in either drugs, oil or humans will waste you as soon as look at you if they think you’re going to interfere with them or their business. They’re not the peaceful pot smoking hippies you like to think they are. And in my neck of the woods (red – hah – you can’t get much more urban than here) – it’s extremely equal opportunity criminals activity. From government on down…

        I’m also grateful that border patrol put their new station close to my home.

      • Tom

        Venom, you are a douchebag.

    • BE


      I live five miles from border patrol in our state and have friends working there too. Not only do they have more power they have about 10 times the risk of your average major city cop.

  21. MInky Wail

    They’re onto something. Any Mexican attempting to cross the border by climbing Seagal’s ponytail will ultimately be thwarted.

  22. Dude of Dudes

    So the plan is to eat all the illegals thus saving legal and deportation costs? Well played sir.

  23. Patrolling the border? It looks like he’s been making a run for the border…and hitting that dollar menu pretty hard.

  24. BE

    Note to all folks who consider taking up martial arts: Steven Seagal has just proven that devoting your life to martial arts definitely does not add to:

    A. your wisdom
    B. your dignity
    C. your physical health
    D. your happiness

    What’s it all gotten him? Old, fat and alone. Willing to do anything for a little attention. Sad.

    Somewhere in Japan his first wife is laughing and pointing….

  25. BE

    And finally


  26. Oogidyboogidy

    We all know what comes next…botched comeback show, followed by being discovered dead on the can, followed by “faking your own death.”

    Folks, we’ve been wrong about Seagal. It’s not Bruce Lee he’s following, it’s Elvis. All that’s missing is the “handshake picture” with Obama.

  27. Tyrone Biggums

    He’s starting to look like the fat gay guy on Modern Family.

  28. President Obama

    Boy, stories like this really bug me.

    Seriously, what is wrong with Mexican’s coming here, living off our society and putting absolutely nothing back into it? If I had my way I would make it a law that we GIVE free medical care to all Mexicans living here in the good old USA as well as in Mexico.

    Fat cats like FISH that pull down as much as $50,000 a year need to pay MORE than their fair share so that others that are more in need can have.

  29. rob frost

    Looks more like a wig doing a bad Steven Seagal impersonation.

  30. Steven Seagal Border Patrol Deputy Sheriff
    Studley Hungwell
    Commented on this photo:

    Dude looks like he ate the rest of Demi

  31. Steven Seagal Border Patrol Deputy Sheriff
    Commented on this photo:

    mr sheriff can kiss his toes goodbye. adios. sayonara. adieu. auf wiedersehen. до свидания.

  32. Steven Seagal Border Patrol Deputy Sheriff
    Commented on this photo:

    I wonder if his hairpiece and Travolta’s ever get together and knock a few beers back.

  33. Steven Seagal Border Patrol Deputy Sheriff
    Doctor Joystick
    Commented on this photo:

    “And over there’s where that ‘sum bitch furriner Jean Claude Van Damme lives. Iff’n you’re lookin’ fer box office revenge you’ll do us all a favor and take the first shot.”

  34. Steven Seagal Border Patrol Deputy Sheriff
    Dave Mustaine
    Commented on this photo:

    You guys are all idiots! Thats not a hair piece and Steven is NOT fat! He looks great and toned for his age.

  35. Steven Seagal Border Patrol Deputy Sheriff
    Doctor Joystick
    Commented on this photo:

    “Raise your hand if you haven’t seen your dick since the late Eighties.”

  36. POWW

    Fish, you really should stick to the T & A, and other superficial “news.”
    When It comes to politics, especially your illegal views–you are naive at best.
    Do some serious research on the CRIME AND COST THAT ILLEGALS BRING TO THIS COUNTRY. The numbers would stagger you. As far as those jobs that Americans won’t take, well you know what–I live in a Border State and there are white and black men standing on those curbs looking for a job–not just the mexican man. Really, stick with what you know best.
    I get on your site for a laugh! nothing more. I for one am not interested in your political views or religious views (or lack thereof) Humor please.
    ps: I especially got a laugh from th Alex Rodriquez picture. Cracked me up

    • Michael D

      Funny that, I too live in a border state and the only ones I see out hustling for jobs are the Mexicans. The “white and black men standing on those curbs” typically are holding a sign asking for money. And its this simple: if it makes dollars, it makes sense. Cheap labor is helping to keep businesses moving and profits up. I’m not saying its right, I’m just saying that’s how it is. It happened when there was a wave of Chinese immigrants, Italians, Irish and now the Mexicans. Same story, different year and guess what: we’re all still here. Settle down and wait a few years

      /Can we get some boobs, please?
      //Oh wait, its a Seagal post…I see what you did there

  37. Dave Mustaine

    Seagal rules. Even the fat version of him

  38. Uncle Phil

    So getting Steven Segal to sit down and block the border is cheaper than building that wall? Has anyone thought about the ongoing food intake that he will require?

  39. Steven Seagal Border Patrol Deputy Sheriff
    Commented on this photo:

    Fat Dracula

  40. Wootang

    His immigrant fighting strength is all in the toupee.

  41. Beatriz

    I came to this country illegally at the age of 7, my single mother of 3 raised my sisters and myself without government help or child support. Ihave been married for 6 years to a born citizen, have two beautiful children and expecting a third on May. My court day to determine if I will be deported to Mexico FOEVER is on March. I have never broken the law, I have never claimed to be a citizen, I am a homemaker, I pay taxes, Iam a good person. My mother had to leave Mexico to better our lives and protect us for family who was hurting us. I didn.t ask to be brought here illegally but there was no choice. Now I might lose my family because of injust laws. We need to make a change because my situation is not rare. People like me, who have grown here, who respect others, who are of no threat should not be treated like drug dealers or anything of that sort. (Excuse mispellings, I’m on my phone.)

    • BE

      Hi Beatriz – I don’t know what the real answer is or should be. But thank you for reminding us that most of our families were all immigrants once.

      Unless someone is 100 percent American Indian, none of us can claim total ownership of this country.

      We used to brag about how being a “melting pot” made us strong.

      Here’ s hoping it goes well for you…

      • MJB

        Sorry to hear about your situation, Beatriz.

        Exactly, unless you’re indigenous American you can’t gripe about immigration.
        We shouldn’t be angry at illegal immigrants but angry at the companies and businesses that exploit them for cheap labor. Do you want to pluck fruit, work construction, wash dishes, clean houses, etc. for less than minimum wage with no benefits?Do you get mad at the exploited or the exploiters?
        There are many people like Beatriz who were brought here as children illegally and grow up to be responsible law-abiding citizens.

        Beatriz, buena suerte y que Dios te bendiga a usted y su familia…

      • Tom

        The difference is that when this country was growing, there were rules to immigrating and immigrants were expected to assimilate and become part of the country.

        The issues with illegal immigration is that there isn’t any desire to assimilate, learn the language and become part of the country and that is what is destroying the country.

        Better enjoy it now because the USA is in a downward spiral and there is no hope of pulling out of it at this point. The land of opportunity is no more – you need to go to Canada for that.

    • POWW

      Beatriz, if I were a gambling man, I’d say you’ll get to stay here with your legal husband and children. Yes, your story is very touching but you know what–instead of blaming our Legal systems, maybe you ought to look at your
      Mother–she too should accept some of the responsibilty for the plight you are now in. There is a difference between LEGAL and ILLEGAL. I personally wish you the best as I can see by your story you have become an upstanding
      adult–but those taxes you pay—unless you have a false ID, you are not paying income tax like every LEGAL person. We all pay for goods (sales tax) as a person’s legality is not questioned when we buy something. I too am a product of immigration having my Scottish grandmother that was every bit as dirt poor as any place in Mexico or any other country come to the USA through Ellis Island. Where by the way, she along with her Mother, Father and sister were quarentined for 30 days in a small room due to her sister having small pox. I could go on. We ALL have our stories. Some are pretty damn sad and bad but saying that it is not OK for a parent to come in this country illegally and then their children get all the benefits of a legal person–well, you know what–it pisses me off. Maybe if we weren’t paying so many billions supporting illegal people in many different ways, we’d be able to help the people that came here legally more or here’s a thought, use that money to help our seniors, disabled, vets and poor Americans and Legl Immigrants.

      • MJB

        @Poww I know for a fact many illegals pay income tax because they have work permits. Basically, the government gives them a permit to work for shitty pay and then they’re told to pay income tax to “speed up” the process for legalization. The government scams these people b/c they can pay income tax for decades and never get approved for residency or citizenship.
        And we’re NOT paying billions supporting illegal immigrants. We’re paying billions of dollars for 2 senseless wars and allowing corporations to either pay little or no taxes.
        Don’t allow yourself to swallow the lies the corporate establishment feeds you. Fight the real friggin’ enemy.

      • MJB, that’s TRillions on those wars. US govt borrows to the tune of 12 billion PER DAY from CHINA to finance the messes we call iraq and afghanistan. think what 12 billion could buy you investing in education grants HERE, daycare grants, etc, then multiply that by 52, and that’s what’s going back to china once they call in those loans.. what will we have to show for all that money then? and who’s left paying those loans…

      • Beatriz

        Poww- Actually, the taxes that I’m referring to are those taxes you file for before April for state and federal. The way you can file if you don’t have a social security number is by using your ITIN (Individual Taxpayer Identification Number). And you’re completely right, my mother does have some blame in it, but what’s my blame? I came here young, grew up here, learned English as my first language then learned Spanish, received good grades, and never went to Mexico. My family all lives here and I have no idea how to survive in Mexico.

        Also, you should know that being illegal prevents you from getting ANY government help. My husband lost his job and we had to apply for assistance while he found another job. We received 500 dollars a month to survive because of my situation. My family couldn’t get the help they needed because of me. As soon as I gave birth to our second child, I lost my insurance since I was no longer pregnant. If you think you are spending all of your “tax money” on illegal immigrants, your wrong. My husband has been in school receiving FASFA while my sister is almost a college graduate (going for her Masters) paying for her schooling alone, no loans, no FASFA since she can’t apply for neither. My husband’s identity was stolen as a kid by his own mother. Stop blaming problems on illegal immigrants, your facts are wrong if you think we are the problem. Yes there are some illegal immigrants who do wrong, but not all of us do.

        Thank you for the support to everyone else. I greatly appreciate it. :D

  42. It seriously sucks

    I’ve lived in San Antonio for 27 of my 30 years. The Mexican drug cartels that chop people up in Mexico are all over Texas, and it’s getting worse. Recently it was reported the cartels intend to establish dominant status in Texas cities particularly San Antonio. Yesterday a report announced the cartels have turned to American kids or “expendables” as thu call them to do their bidding for small amounts of money and other gifts. I travel, and I realize the country overall thinks this will remain local but I assure you it’s not, and by the time it reaches the more populated new England and affects those there as it does here, it’ll be too late to secure the border. We will at that point have to try to weed out cartel members which will be impossible because the legal and illegal Mexican interest groups will accuse us of racism for questioning someone based on the color of their skin. Your rolling your eyes so I only hope people take it upon themselves to become knowledgeable about the terrorists that’s been allowed to waltz into our country for at least the last few decades.

  43. Jo Jo Mama

    Looks like he has been patroling a sandwhich

  44. MJB

    @dudeatdudedotdude: Thanks. I had a brain fart. I meant BILLIONS.

    I’m sick of the whole assimilation argument. I’m first generation American born to a Southern European father and South American mother. I have a really unusual ethnic sounding name and I speak several languages. I’m glad my parents didn’t try to assimilate. My name could’ve been Mary, Jane or Susan (no offense to those with those names) and as much as I love the English language my life is richer knowing more.
    Besides, what is this? The fucking Borg? “You will be assimilated…Resistance is futile…LOL

  45. I see he got into SUMO fighting now.

  46. MJB

    @dudeatdudedotdude: Wow, my medication for my bronchitis is really making my brain fuzzy. I meant TRILLIONS!!!

    • TomFrank

      Drugs making your brain fuzzy—at least dudeatdude can relate to that.

      • :) that AND the ethnic name.. look, by assimilation i’m mostly saying, you’re not going far if you refuse to learn english. the higher point was we don’t need more immigrants cos there ain’t enough work for the people already here! Saying no one wants those jobs is an out of date bullshit cliche. I hung drywall in college, cut lawns, bused tables, etc, so i could pay my rent and not mooch off my parents. We need the iGenners doing the same.

        But thay tookker jerrrbs!!

  47. Steven Seagal Border Patrol Deputy Sheriff
    Commented on this photo:

    I wish I could stand next to him so I would look skinny.

  48. Arzach

    Kung-Fu Panda

  49. Steven Seagal Border Patrol Deputy Sheriff
    Mama Pinkus
    Commented on this photo:

    his head looks like a pubic patch

  50. D-chi

    to be fair, illegal immigrants are, by definition, committing a crime just by being here. AND some of them have been responsible for other violent crimes and kidnappings. point is, go through the proper channels like everyone else. it’s not racism; it’s wanting people to obey the law. other countries don’t put up with it, so why should we?

    • Machetero

      Indeed, there is a legal process for gaining entry into any country. I assume that a segment of this process is intended to weed out the shit heads who only have ‘rape, pillage, burn’ on their minds. So, how am I to differentiate between the fucked up bunch who CAN’T come legally from those who refuse to navigate the legal channels.

      Furthermore, how fucking hard is it to leave Mexico legally? By looking at the numbers, I’d assume that it’s really fucking hard, because why the hell else would so many people risk the journey and the interactions with the cartels who run the coyote organizations. Maybe, for those of us who aren’t American legislators, a consideration should be given to what the law-abiding Mexican citizen has to endure on the starting end of their contemplations. Granted, an illegal entry is still illegal even if the Mexican gov’t forces you to wait 10 years on the southern side of the border, but still….

      To throw my own family’s experience into the debate, my mother and father’s emigration from Colombia was quite fluid. Yes, it took years, but patience and pursuit of the ultimate goal paid off. We’re hear. We have legal identification. We pay all taxes and participate fully in American society. I’m only one person and can only share the experiences of those that gave me life.

      …But I have to wonder, again, why the fuck so many people want to walk across a desert being led by murderers and rapists instead of doing it the legal way. Any help with explaining this?

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