Stephen Hawking Goes To Sex Clubs. Well, Yeah.

February 24th, 2012 // 74 Comments
Stephen Hawking
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“You are a bit bigger than I prefer, but Stephen Hawking takes what Stephen Hawking can gets.”

There are several stories we could’ve started out with this morning, but none of them involve Stephen Hawking frequenting sex clubs which let’s not pretend isn’t goddamn amazing. RadarOnline reports:

Renown physicist Stephen Hawking is somewhat of a regular at a Devore, California sex club, is exclusively reporting.
According to a source who has been a member of Freedom Acres swingers club for nearly half a decade, Hawking, 70, shows up to the club with a bevy of nurses and assistants and has naked woman grind on him.
“I have seen Steven Hawking at the club more than a handful of times,” the source revealed. “He arrives with an entourage of nurses and assistants. Last time I saw him he was in the back ‘play area’ laying on a bed fully clothed with two naked women gyrating all over him.”

So Stephen Hawking just wheels his way into a sex club and pays naked women to grind all over his genius crippled body? Wow. I talk a lot of shit about America, but this is without a doubt one of those times where I know we do something absolutely, 100% right. On that note, Photo Boy and I spent a horrible amount of time this morning making “Stephen Hawking Goes To The Titty Bar” audio clips which is exactly as awful as it sounds. So without further ado, here’s what people actually pay us to do:
















Photo: Getty


  1. EricLr

    I hear he prefers black holes

    • Free Speach

      The government tracks and records your web browsing.

      • c

        you must be an idiot.. he is loads of cash.. thats what they are going after.. not his “intelect”… if they wanted intelect they WOULDNT BE STRIPPERS

    • Randal

      It really does go to show that using your mind and being well educated is one of many attractions women find in a man. Stephen has plenty to offer and it’s no wonder why he has such a following of beautiful women hanging on to every word he says.


      • Schmidtler

        uhh, yeah, that and the thick wad of cash.

      • …Randall, you say this in jist I hope. Yes it is true, there are two or three women on earth who are actually interested in the size of a man’s brain and not the size of his wallet, but even these females draw the line at men that can’t wipe their own asses—-Hugh Hefner being the one exception.

      • XYZ

        I assume ur ass spoke for u

    • …Some subsequent Big Bang theory research perhaps??? I read somewhere that Stephen is not totally convinced about that whole hullabaloo.

  2. God is Black

    quantum physics and no pussy makes for a horny physicist ! Pimp hand is my favorite!

  3. America

    America, FUCK YEAH!
    Coming again, to save the mother fucking day yeah,
    America, FUCK YEAH!
    Freedom is the only way yeah,

  4. The Observer

    Why the fuck not? He’s the coolest….

  5. RevInterrupt13

    Apparently he parties with Carrot Top too?

  6. rican

    Not Pictured – The following sentence on the computer screen: “Hi Carrot Top, you swallow?”

  7. NickL

    So that’s what Carrot Top is doing these days.

  8. Anon

    Is it just my brain wanting to deceive me, or do I hear someone laughing during the last one?

  9. Wootang

    Excellent work. I could listen to those all day.

  10. Richard McBeef

    unfortunately when he says he’s ‘making it rain’ it’s time for a diaper change.

  11. El Jefe

    Stephen Hawking is now officially the coolest man on the planet. I would have thought he would have had different and better taste than Carrot Top though.

  12. Oogidyboogidy

    Plugin fail–who the hell uses Quicktime?

  13. Cock Dr

    This could be the greatest SW story ever.
    I am so happy for Dr Hawking. If I recall correctly he split up with his wife because she got her panties all up in a bunch over his atheism. Ladies of the “Devore” club, treat that man well!

  14. tv_paul

    Rollin’ with my homies!

  15. Hmm

    Yeah can’t play your media on my new mac…

  16. I hear he always rolls with a fat stack of ones in his PayPal account. Strippers dig on the digital deposit, though it’s much harder to make it rain.

  17. whiskeyafternoon

    there is no way in which this story isn’t amazing

  18. Your tongue, My balls.

    Once you go quad, nothing seems odd.

  19. forrest

    it sounds maybe weird to normal people……..

  20. maeby

    He’s british, dummy.

  21. Schmidtler

    and somewhere, Russel Brand is furiously jerking off to this story.

  22. grobpilot

    “Large Hardon Colliding”. Well done, Fish.

  23. whiskeyafternoon

    the audio clips win. the dutch is my favorite, but they’re all amazing.

  24. epik

    news flash, stephen hawking is a human being with human needs. Freaky deakys need love too, freaky deakys needs love too.

  25. I like the way this dude rolls.

  26. BlackAndWhiteMinstrel

    So tell us Stephen, when you looked what state was the pussy in?

  27. dakjshjkh

    he is THE authority on black holes.

  28. Are we sure the woman in that photo is NOT Carrot Top in Drag?

  29. Inmate 12236969

    He’s one dumb motherfucker yeah I said it.

  30. ET Phone Home


  31. I hear he tips the D.J. a twenty for playing Chamillionaire’s “Ridin’” whenever he comes into the club.

  32. Fish, these recordings may very well be the funniest thing you have ever posted, and that is saying a lot. Pure genius.

  33. NOI

    Did he just pedo winked?

  34. It Is Fine! Everything Is Fine.

  35. The Pope

    This has to be in the next Grand Theft Auto game.

  36. LJ

    An injection in the penis to get hard, and some nice grinding to get off……happens in strip clubs VIP areas around the country every day with guys in wheelchairs.

    What’s the big deal?

    You guys must lead some sheltered lives.

  37. turd da third

    one Hawking stripper to the next…”he just told me that he is looking for uranus next “

  38. q

    haha fish you’re a pussy

  39. pax

    Hawking is a professor at Cambrifge, Doesn’t he live in UK, far from California?

    • Cock Dr

      That’s right. You have applied logic to this fun fantasy, spread no doubt by someone affiliated with Club “Devore”.
      Dr Hawking’s is elderly and exceptionally fragile. If this very disabled and highly recognizable man wanted women grinding on him I’m sure that could be arranged without a flight halfway around the world.
      Sadly the story is a big fat fake.

  40. oh_dear

    I always saw Hawking as more of a Gallagher fan.

  41. I'd fap to that ²

    The mysteries of the Universe aren’t going to solve themselves. need a little whore tit to get things going.

  42. XYZ

    With all due respect for him, this man should be euthanized.

  43. MoJoTee

    One would hope that no matter the time when, or where in space a genius traveled there would be a hospital to heal heal his every pain, and a harem to sooth his every desire. Bravo to all that served him well. You may have split his mental atom and saved the galaxy!
    Semi-Bravo to the story propagators because when a Genius gets seen as earning hot sexy RESULTS like this, it might help get smarter kids stay interested in Science, and further themselves.
    For the children.

  44. Always say cunt

    Doesn’t he have a lovely head of hair for a man his age ?

  45. MaxwellDemon

    i’ve got no problem with this. More power to him.

  46. Pippy Longcockings

    You can’t blame the guy. How else is supposed to get pussy? It’s not like bitches are lining up to hump on his manly physique.

    Fish, you and Photoboy are a couple of sick motherfuckers…

  47. PimpinAintEasy

    I’m laughing and trying not to vomit at the same time.

  48. Salt

    PUSH ME and then just TOUCH ME, ’til I can get my SATISFACTION

  49. heni

    bless his heart …. its ok if “normal” people go to a strip club and pay women to give them a little attention and affection, but since he’s disabled suddenly it’s weird and gross. fuck that. the guy deserves a little somethin somethin….

  50. this man is my hero

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