‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ Has A Trailer

Alright, folks, I didn’t plan on posting much today – *swings battle axe at a soccer mom at Best Buy* – but that was before Disney decided to drop the official teaser for Star Wars: The Force Awakens all over our fat turkey-stuffed faces. – *dodges broadsword, swings from rope to Small Appliances* – So there’s that above, and I’m trying really hard not to squeal with glee over here – *throws dagger at six-year-old reaching for a Skylander* – because I remember downloading The Phantom Menace trailer in Quicktime (Remember Quicktime?) and watching it obsessively because it was the closest thing to naked boobs my 18-year-old mind had ever seen. – *stuffs oily rag into propane tank* – And then Jar Jar Binks happens. – *lights fuse* – That said, you can already feel a different aesthetic here thanks to J.J. Abrams’ eschewing George Lucas’ green screen Temple of Doom by actually shooting on location and relying on practical effects whenever possible. Crazy, right? Just don’t let him direct the sequel. – *spins and hurls propane tank into the portable DVD players* – Anyway, enough blabbing out of me. Enjoy the trailer! – *dives into parking lot as building explodes* – Is Target open?

EDIT: As I’m watching this for the 25th time – *fires bazooka into Wal-Mart* – I can’t help but marvel at how a lot of these shots look like Ralph McQuarrie concept art from the original trilogy brought to life because if Super 8 taught us anything, it’s that J.J. Abrams can ape the shit out of that late 70s/early 80s vibe. I’ll stop talking now. – *pulls grenade pin, runs into Yankee Candle* – GIVE ME ALL THE RED APPLE WREATH.

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