Snooki: The Branding Kiss of Death

September 10th, 2010 // 70 Comments

Despite being a talking, shot-taking marsupial incapable of carrying a bag down a flight of stairs so her fat ass just chucks it, Snooki is reportedly the last thing fashion houses want to see near their brands. – Think Starbucks and Britney Spears except without all the profit margins from repeat purchases. – And now they’re going so far as to give her free shit but strictly from a place of genius sabotage. Via Techdirt:

Allegedly, the anxious folks at these various luxury houses are all aggressively gifting our gal Snookums with free bags. No surprise, right? But here’s the shocker: They are not sending her their own bags. They are sending her each other’s bags! Competitors’ bags!
Call it what you will — “preemptive product placement”? “unbranding”? — either way, it’s brilliant, and it makes total sense. As much as one might adore Miss Snickerdoodle, her ability to inspire dress-alikes among her fans is questionable. The bottom line? Nobody in fashion wants to co-brand with Snooki.

I guess she really isn’t like Lindsay Lohan who still somehow manages to score modeling gigs. Except, wait, what’s this? That’s exactly what Snooki just said last night to People:

However, she tells PEOPLE that the judge’s comparison between her and the recently rehabbed Lohan was unfair.
“I definitely thought it was harsh,” she says. “I never drank and drove, I don’t do drugs – I do nothing that Lindsay does, so it was definitely a little overboard.”

For anyone wondering why it feels like you just got sucker-punched in the face, that was Snooki arguing she’s a better person than Lindsay Lohan and being right about it. No, really, I’m literally sitting here with my mouth open, trying to say something, but how do you even argue with that? I need to lie down for a minute.

(Thanks to Jon, who has a PhD in Folklore and confirmed Aragorn fought an army of Snookis at Helms Deep. I knew it!)

Photos: Splash News

superficial

  1. Holy shit! Is it possible that the new cast member is even fuglier than The Snookster???

  2. Benwa

    first! whores.

  3. qwerty

    The joke is over,now stop writing about this crap.This site used to have pics of hot girls.Now Joan Rivers thinks her fans are here and advertises herself on TheSuperficial.

    • fester

      Closest thing to a hottie on the front page at the moment is Angelina, despite her bearing an increasing resemblance to the Cryptkeeper.

      To make matters worse you’ve also got Michael Lohan and Spencer (“What if my weenie was as big as this camera? I’d be Queen of the World!”) Pratt, who should probably start a business together called Douchenozzle & Son.

    • Balzac

      go to sportsbybrooks.com or askmen or somethin’ if you wanna get your jollies…and quit yer bitchin.

    • Snooki's Taint

      I know qwerty were the first letters you could reach, but maybe you want to stop sharing the first thing that comes to your mind and think before you type. Joan Rivers had zero, nothing to do with the placement of a banner ad on this site, dimbulb. Her show’s producers or the network carrying her show might have had a hand in it though. Duh.

    • shinjo

      yes please stop posting about this whale. It hurts when u look her, and Im sure she’s more stupid than apparently is.

  4. Taz

    DON”T YOU DARE POST THOSE TOPLESS PICS OF SNOOKIE THAT ARE FLOATING AROUND THE WEB TODAY

  5. RoboZombie

    FAT. UGLY. PIG.

  6. Snooki
    DRAGONFLYSPIRIT
    Commented on this photo:

    Why does anyone even waste their time on these Jersey Shore people? They are ALL just grotesque!!

  7. Gimmeabreak

    So who the F are you to call Snookie a ” fat ass” do you know she is 4 ft 9? And she weighs a LOT less then you do assface… Did you know she had an eating disorder in school? Its idiots like YOU that make girls all over hang their head in the toilet and throw up the 2 lettuce leafs they had for dinner.. IDIOT.

    • anonymous

      snooki is a fat ass. and if you are built anything like her–you’d be a fat ass too.

    • Henry Sherman

      He’s right!

    • height and “fat ass” have nothing to do with each other. She’s FAT for her size or ANY size for that matter. She’s a fucking orange oompa loompa.

      And yes, we can tell she has an eating disorder…cuz she’s fucking FAT.

      • Richard McBeef

        gimmeabreak – your post drips with greasy fat just like the kfc stains on your t-shirt.

        She’s fat as fuck and and ugly as shit and deep down you know it.

    • Snooki's Taint

      guys, leave the chubby chaser alone. He’s trying to pull a ‘leave Britney alone’ deal, with a dose of mega-FAIL.

    • Snooki's Taint

      By the way GMA Break … it’s ok, you can say FUCK here. Try it. Better yet, go get laid, munch of a girl’s taint. It sounds like you need it.

  8. I bet her skin tastes like bacon.

  9. Snooki
    SuperStar
    Commented on this photo:

    She owns too much stuff. It’s just stuff. If she’s willing to throw it down the stairs she should be willing to throw it away or share it with someone who won’t throw it.

  10. posterchild

    what is wrong with you fish? sumo for the weekend? again? ok that it you are no longer bookmarked.

  11. fester

    Poor Snooki. Looks like the tiger-striped dildoes she bought are trying to climb out of the bag and flee before she gets home…

  12. “Un-branding”? I love that!

    Send her competitors bags to carry. That’s the funny fucking thing I’ve heard today…..

    .

  13. James

    I have no problem with her. At least she has a way to make a lot of money.

  14. grobpilot

    Yep. Them Jersey chicks sure got it goin’ on.

  15. Greg H.

    I’d so love to punch her in the face.

  16. sasha

    How old is this person? She acts like she’s in middle school. Or maybe she is just slow? And please can someone burn that purse she has with her 24/7?

  17. Snooki
    g_girl
    Commented on this photo:

    ha!!

  18. yellow jacket

    I think that purse is a fake knock-off, a good fake, but a fake.

    • Cougar smugar

      The sad thing is she makes 10 thousand an episode so the purse is real, the boots are real and the tan is as fake as money can buy.

  19. Snooki
    Sara
    Commented on this photo:

    I like how her boobs are magically so perky they’d have to be fake in one photo and just normal boobs in the all rest. They have a huge black shading ring around them in that one. It doesn’t even look remotely real.

    • thg

      i think thats the shadow of a telephone wire above her, if you look down on the ground, her shadow is intersecting them.

  20. GravyLeg

    Is it from outer space?

    It doesn’t even seem to have human form any more and it dresses like a freak…

  21. Shavederic

    Could we just stop giving these Jersey Shore assholes any more publicity?

  22. Snooki
    sara
    Commented on this photo:

    Sara, that line is from a cable on top casting a shadow.

    My question is how come the photographer didn’t give her a hand, a lady is a lady. Now if she acts like a bitch then you can throw her down the stairs.

  23. It had to be said

    Everyone says how much they hate her, but I’d pinch her nips while she blew me.

    And you would too . . .

  24. Racer X

    Tig-ol’-bitties.

    I’d hit it.

  25. Marcus

    is she house broken?

  26. captain america

    it must be freezing in new jersey by now?

  27. yoooooo someone call up monster quest.. cus tell em we just spotted the short hairy ape human

  28. Really

    Why did anyone need to know she did this? “Fat girl throws luggage down stairs, lazy” HEADLINE.

  29. Rhialto

    We’re witness here of a brief moment in Snooki’s world.She’s coming down from the sidewalk in this picture!

  30. shavederic

    the worst part of this whole Snookie thing is that ignorant a-holes still watch MTV and follow her exploits. What a bunch of brainless fucktards! This does not bode well for the future.

  31. Snooki
    Commented on this photo:

    “Many people want to visit this my website, because there are many
    high-end fashion b-a-g-s, you hesitate to act quickly, and now my
    s-i-t-e is ******N i c e “G r a d e” B a g s*****;. Do not act quickly

  32. Vagina

    Eww this bitch is fugly and obese. I hope it dies.

  33. Snooki
    Lou
    Commented on this photo:

    This fat cow is nothing but a waste of space…

  34. Snooki
    Brooke
    Commented on this photo:

    This made me laugh so hard. I think from now on I’m just going to chuck all my luggage down the stairs. (Do I fist pump here? I’m not really sure).

  35. Parties

    If I were a multimillion dollar brand name, I certainly wouldn´t want this chick sporting any of my goods at any cost whatsoever

  36. louis

    OMG,====my discount bag====Google to see LV 2010 ,CHANE1 2010,GUCC1 2010 ************

  37. Doc Schweinstrudel

    I feel bad for making fun of her.

  38. welldoneson

    OMG! They shaved a koala bear and taught it to walk upright!
    That’ just wrong!

  39. Snooki
    TAB
    Commented on this photo:

    The smallest feature on this twat is her facial lips..sadly she is 20 something years old and looks like a brown turd! Christ when I was in my 20′s I was damn proud of my body and looked fuckin’ good! My body belonged in a bikini..no man wants to see Dooki in a bikini and shouldn’t be subjected to it either!

  40. ok, I just need to say it… For years her entrir existence has been Laguna & Hill,just don’t think we can get that our of our minds. Training wil not prevent that from happening. For ation she would have to do the dramatic action bit, ya know, extreme weight loss or gain or being a character so far from what she’s been protaid as. i hope she can pull it off. I do however immediately have full confidence of her being behind the camera.
    http://www.voguecatchcom/index.asp

  41. Snooki
    DrDoug
    Commented on this photo:

    Snooki who? Who is this Snooki?

  42. Snooki
    Drew
    Commented on this photo:

    Honestly America.. can’t we do better than this? I mean, this person has a multi-million dollar contract with MTV to keep doing that ridiculous reality show?? This person is a “star?” Someone who goes to the Emmy’s and walks the red carpet? What have we come to??? Enough already… let’s see… qualities of “stars” seem to include a) being an idot b) getting paid to be an idiot c) acting out like a teenager (or a trip-hopping mini Paris Hilton plussed-up 80 pounds and d) being an idiot. Honestly… stop the madness!

  43. Snooki
    yowillie
    Commented on this photo:

    Fat P I G.

  44. squirtdrinker

    I’d love to throat her and then shoot hot spooge all over her glasses

  45. bruce

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  46. booboo

    NICE TITTS!

  47. Snooki
    booboo
    Commented on this photo:

    she would look better in a pearl necklace

  48. jismshot101

    snooki is in way better shape then all those tramps,watched her do flips all the way down a beach on youtube,you know how hard that is on sand..shes just a little short but very sexy,whoever wrote this article don’t know crap,whatsup with that,they don’t know its a jersey thing haha…

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