Snooki Made Us a Valentine

February 14th, 2011 // 140 Comments

She really, really shouldn’t have.

Sticking closely to the MTV Reality Star Playbook, here’s Snooki and her new boyfriend Jionni LaValle posing for a Valentine’s-themed photo shoot and this guy seriously deserves an Olympic medal in gold-digging. Try telling a seasoned digger their next mark is a bear cub with a spastic colon, and they’ll look you dead in the eye and tell you no score is worth that. But not Jionni LaValle: Man-digger. He’ll piggy back, bare back, beef jerky run back, you fucking name it. He probably spent months in a secluded cabin dumping pickles on a brown bean bag chair psyching himself up. There are Navy SEALs who go into combat less prepared.

SEAL #1: Wanna look at this map?
SEAL #2: Nah. It’s not like we’re banging a slutty Ewok.
SEAL #1: Why would you even say that?
SEAL #2: I was just making a joke…
SEAL #1: Wow. I.. I need a therapist. This just got way too real.
SEAL #2: What? We blow up schools for a living.
SEAL #1: Slutty slut slut Ewok… GET IT OUTTA MY HEAD! *blows brains out*

Based on a true story.

Photos: Splash News

superficial

  1. Apparently Snookie tried to act sexy, and every plant in the room died.

  2. Deacon Jones

    Fucking her must be like wrestling your hot cousin when you were younger; overwhelming guilty and oddly unsatisfying

  3. Ej

    Damn fish, this is the one you bumped to the top today??

  4. Snooki Valentines Day
    Marco
    Commented on this photo:

    Barf…

  5. Snooki Valentines Day
    Blergh
    Commented on this photo:

    What happened two seconds after this photo was taken:
    Snooki yells “Psych!” and gobbles up that piece of chocolate herself.

  6. Snooki Valentines Day
    darla
    Commented on this photo:

    Is that the dish they’re serving this valentines day. I never realized that sausage is the new Aphrodisiac. What restaurant are they serving this dish?

  7. HeroicTuna

    Valentine’s Day Massacre II, 14 Feb, 2011. Victims: my eyes.

  8. Snooki Valentines Day
    Matt
    Commented on this photo:

    And you thought those little candy hearts tasted bad…

  9. Snooki Valentines Day
    Ned
    Commented on this photo:

    I’m straight, but I’d do a dude before I’d screw that pile of excrement

  10. Snooki Valentines Day
    eric
    Commented on this photo:

    How disgusting that he will have sex with an EWOK for fame… Snookie reminds me of a bad porno movie where they may have experimented with animals back in the 1970′s. Pretty much a dumb, useless broad that offers nothing to society except good zoo jokes…

  11. Snooki Valentines Day
    eric
    Commented on this photo:

    How disgusting that he will have sex with an EWOK for fame… Snookie reminds me of a bad porno movie where they may have experimented with animals back in the 1970’s. Pretty much a dumb, useless broad that offers nothing to society except good zoo jokes…

  12. Snooki Valentines Day
    eric
    Commented on this photo:

    It’s an EWOK humpbacking a moron…. Good thing her beaver is covered as I’m sure she is one with nature and has an amazon jungle between her wookie legs….

  13. Snooki Valentines Day
    eric
    Commented on this photo:

    EWOK and Wookie mate to create snookie…..

  14. Snooki Valentines Day
    Ken
    Commented on this photo:

    A rectangle with arms and a head of hair. Meh.

  15. I didnt know that stuffing 10 pounds of shit in a six pound bag counted as a valentine.

  16. suck it

    her man is pretty sexy (although probably really short?).. good for her!

  17. Snooki Valentines Day
    truth
    Commented on this photo:

    weight of the worlds

  18. welldoneson

    The A-10 was designed to provide close air support (CAS) for ground forces by attacking tanks, armored vehicles, and other ground targets with a limited air interdiction capability. It is designed exclusively for close air support.

  19. Snooki Valentines Day
    Commented on this photo:

    Not for nothing, but that dude is gay. Remember who called it.

    • TLM

      He’s too good looking to be with her, that’s for darn sure. Didn’t she claim to like juicehead guidos anyway? How did she wind up with a guy who looks like he should be in a Gap ad???

  20. Snooki Valentines Day
    Commented on this photo:

    “A monogrammed diaphragm case, Just what I wanted!”

  21. welldoneson

    Isn’t it unsafe to pile that much toxic waste in one room?

  22. Snooki Valentines Day
    Christina
    Commented on this photo:

    Just God Awful…

  23. Snooki Valentines Day
    Christina
    Commented on this photo:

    His eyebrows are nicer than mine….

  24. Snooki Valentines Day
    Christina
    Commented on this photo:

    Like srsly thought she would have lost the weight by now. Not being mean but she’s average size. Heck, Was-her-name Pratt did!

  25. Snooki Valentines Day
    GingleJanglez
    Commented on this photo:

    I didn’t know the Tauntaun rode Luke Skywalker. George Lucas was full of shit.

  26. Snooki Valentines Day
    scott1023
    Commented on this photo:

    100 bucks says this dude fractured a disk in his back carrying this troll around and now has to have his shirt dry cleaned cause we all know she left a foul stain on it !!! Sweet dreams you poor bastard..

  27. Snooki Valentines Day
    Metalhaid
    Commented on this photo:

    The question is, WHY do VH1, E!, and Superficial insist on posting garbage like this? I never even HEARD of this troll before I made the mistake of going onto this website.

  28. Snooki Valentines Day
    Metalhaid
    Commented on this photo:

    Looks like a jet flew into one of those candy conversation heart factories and left carnage all over the place. What a train wreck. Where are the hearts that say, “WTF! GET IT OFF ME!!”

  29. Snooki Valentines Day
    Ed
    Commented on this photo:

    Dignity: You’re doing it wrong.

  30. Snooki Valentines Day
    Commented on this photo:

    Is it me or do they kind of look like brother and sister?

  31. Snooki Valentines Day
    Lanz
    Commented on this photo:

    I just about pissed myself laughing when I saw this! Nothing about this photo shoot is okay. Why is she promoting herself as sexy? Even if she didn’t look like a burn victim her personality is disgusting enough to stay away. She is no princess, just a spoiled whore who has no talent, sexy appeal or real world skills. But put stupid people on TV and stupid people will watch it at home. FUCK!

  32. Snooki Valentines Day
    Lanz
    Commented on this photo:

    Not quite a burn victim, but she has nothing to offer. She is VERY short, overweight, ugly hair, fake tan and fucky eyes. And her voice kills me. Every time I heard her whine I wanted to choke someone! Did that shit really work on her parents? I dont understand how someone can develop so many ugly mannerisms. Blame the fucking parents. And I hope everything about her character is blown out of purporting just for the show, but I doubt it. Before I even knew anything about the Jersey Shore, I knew enough about Snooki to be thrilled when I heard she got punched in the show. All of the other characters are just as bad! Its painting a bad picture for people.

  33. wannavomit

    Nice gunt

  34. why is this happening

    ACtually, he looks rather Handsome and nice,
    FOR BEING MENTALLY HANDICAPPED THAT IS!!!

    seriously, he is either:
    1.GAY and is all a front
    2. Mentally retarded
    3. a male prostitute that she is paying,

    there is NO way he is not one of the three

  35. Snooki Valentines Day
    dead peter
    Commented on this photo:

    So I think this establishes who’s the pitcher and who’s the catcher in this relationship.

  36. the captain

    yep, I LOVE HER TOO………..

  37. Snooki Valentines Day
    Sir Byron
    Commented on this photo:

    I suppose This guy is a midget as Ewokie.

  38. Sir Byron

    Snookie smells like pussy everytime…

  39. Rhialto

    Imaginable that the name Snooki is easily associated with ‘pooky’. Maybe that’s the key of her success but she herself likes to be called Nicole.

  40. Snooki Valentines Day
    canyongirl
    Commented on this photo:

    Live hard, die young. RIP Snooki

  41. Snooki Valentines Day
    Commented on this photo:

    my eyes, they BURN !!!!!!!! please god make the dirty ewok stop!

  42. Compound9

    who knew manatee porn would be so popular.

    shitheads.

  43. Snooki Valentines Day
    Steve
    Commented on this photo:

    GodDAMN this chick is gross. I can’t even be clever about it, she’s just flat-out nasty.

  44. Superficial Bitch

    This is obviously photoshopped. “Princess” should read “Pork Chops” and they were on sale at Costco for Valentines Day.

  45. Snooki Valentines Day
    Double D
    Commented on this photo:

    Not enough coke in the world…

  46. paul

    I don’t like soft cream filled valentines.

  47. Snooki Valentines Day
    LEB
    Commented on this photo:

    I need hypnotherapy, and a fork to gouge out my eyes.

  48. Snooki Valentines Day
    Grace
    Commented on this photo:

    I love Snooki. I love Snooki so much.

  49. Snooki Valentines Day
    Rebecca
    Commented on this photo:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA.

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!

    …….that is all.

  50. Snooki Valentines Day
    ProstituteForMoney
    Commented on this photo:

    THE E-E-E-E-EEEEEEEWOKS

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