Snooki Is Frickin’ Intelligent, You Guys

September 15th, 2010 // 67 Comments

Snooki and the cast of Jersey Shore stopped by Ellen yesterday where they proceeded to claim America has no idea what they’re truly like on the inside and that they’re “unfairly judged” just because they get shit-faced and bang people on TV for money. Via Us Magazine:

“I’ll go to frickin’ Barnes & Nobles, get a coffee and just sit down and read,” she says. “No one would ever think that. We have different sides to us and people don’t see that.” Fans might also be surprised that Snooki no longer wants to date a “juicehead.”
Says the pint-sized reality starlet, “I think I want to move forward. I want to move Brooklyn and find a business Italian guy to take care of me.”

See, everybody? Snooki’s not just some drunken slam pig. She’s also a gold-digger. This is why I never judge a book by its cover, not counting every single word I’ve ever written on this site. (All typos.)

Photos: Splash News


  1. Thay would be “yous” guys :-)

    • sean

      I prefer having sex with 12 year old boys just like my priest did with me.

      • billabong021

        Wait you were 12? You told me you were 8! I feel so dirty now :’(

      • GiveItARest

        ….ok this line that you seem to have fell into the habit of posting on EVERY fucking story, has got LAME. it’s not even funny anymore, not that it was the FIRST time you fucking posted it. please go get something new to say because you’re really trying to pathetically hard…

  2. Taz

    kill it! kill it! kill it with fire!

  3. JRS22

    Looks like she has a nice mustache coming in.

  4. joho777

    There are several things anyone can count on if they see Snooki sitting in Barnes & Noble.

    First she’ll most likely be holding the book upside down and looking around for the camera, and second, she has to sit on TWO chairs, since her butt is way too wide for just one.

    But just one look at Snooki’s makeup and you KNOW that she is an intellectual from way back

  5. Blimpy

    I think you mean “Youz Guyz”.

  6. Blimpy

    If you look closely enough, you can almost see her cloven hooves.

    (Go ahead & google “cloven hoof”, I’ll wait).

  7. Viv

    Viva Mexico

  8. Tara

    It’s always nice to remember that creature is not really Italian (heck she doesn’t even look human)…we already have a lot of problems in Italy, she would be way too mich to bear. by the way why should a rich businessman date that toadstool?it’s a mystery…

  9. dude

    I will be enjoying the phrase “drunken slam pig” for the rest of the year. Thank you.

  10. chris

    what a f*ckin waste of editorial space. Hollywood trash – no one believes a word you say, why would they? Because your on ellen!??!??!?! Congratu-*uckin-lations – your not who you make yourself out to be, get off my internetz!

    • Vito

      Hey Chris–

      This is The Superficial. It’s OK to say “fuck.” You can also say, “shit, piss, cunt, motherfucker, cocksucker, and tits.”

      What you MUST NOT ever say is something nice about this fucking troll. Her looks could stop a clock.

      GREAT IDEA…send her to Dick Cheney’s house. Maybe she can also stop a Pacemaker.

      • Snooki's Taint

        The phrase Looks that can “Stop a clock” is a positive one, mean for very good looking women. You are using it incorrectly.

      • Vito

        English[edit] Noun

        face that would stop a clock (plural faces that would stop a clock)

        1.(idiomatic) A shockingly unattractive face.  [quotations ▼]

        1891, “The Mystery Still Deep: Queer story told by a strange young Englishman,” New York Times, 20 Mar., p. 5: He described the thug as a very ugly and wicked-looking man, with a face that “would stop a clock”.1927, “Editorial Comment: Thinking Statistically,” Educational Research Bulletin, vol. 6, no. 7, p. 142: We realize that all women are fair only in theory and that if we arranged them in the order of fairness we should have at one end the face that launched a thousand ships and at the other end the face that would stop a clock.2004, Barbara Hall, “Bookwise: Questions,” stop a clock.

        2.(idiomatic) A shockingly attractive face.  [quotations ▼]
        1983, John Cougar Mellencamp, “Pink Houses”: Hey darlin’I can remember when you could stop a clock.

  11. eric

    What a stupid whore…. I hope she loses her reality tv gig and is forced into prostitution with hairy men because she contributes nothing to society.

  12. Cock Dr

    Snookie is looking furiously orange in these shots.
    That’s scarier than usual.

  13. sean

    (the real sean, not the phony guy with the pedophile fixation) Look at the wear and tear on Snooki’s face: the mileage on her young (only 22 years old) body is depreciating her life enormously. See what a life of booze, partying, hooking up gets you? It gets you looking like you’re a forty-five year old in a 28 year-old’s body. That’s Snooki’s future unless she slows waaaaaay down and lives more virtuously. Virtue is the path to happiness.

    • sean

      I am the real sean, I am just conflicted. I prefer having sex with 12 year old boys just like my priest did with me.

    • Cock Dr

      Maybe so sean, but right now this bimbo is having the time of her life getting paid to party & act stupid on camera. She probably strips and rolls around on a big pile of high denomination US currency once in a while just for the hell of it. So, instead of waiting around for the slow justice of time maybe you could encourage god to send a lightning bolt or two. That would get the message you’re trying to convey across SO much more effectively.
      And try to get help with that boy loving fixation. It will bring you nothing but trouble.

    • Carlos

      She needs to find a good Mexican (real) man. He would put her in her place and keep the pinkys (white trash) away from her. They are a bad influence.

  14. Glenn Beck

    murder is appropriate

  15. Bunny Foofoo

    Who is the ninety year old italian woman in the pictures?

  16. Savalas

    Someone buy Apeshit a banana smoothie

  17. Racer X

    She looks black.

  18. Danny

    Bah, she’s a toad, and the rest of them are just Guinea fools.

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  20. RantingOne

    If there was ever someone I’d like to kick squarely in the cunt…she’s it.

  21. snookietard

    she said her race is tan. she’s a fucking genius!

  22. mcfeely smackup

    If she’s so frickin’ intelligent, why is she so frickin’ orange?

    seriously, how dumb do you have to be to think orange is a perfectly normal color for a person to be.

  23. puddleduck

    Pint-sized? The only thing pint-sized about this shit heap is her brain… America is obviously desperate for a new celebrity to keep posting shit about this rust colored, thin lipped, slag…..just sayin

  24. ω=ლ=D~~ (゚ಥ_ಠ)

    What a hideous beast.

  25. joho777

    What amazes me is that a normal Italian-American family decided that they wanted to adopt an orphan that they knew would grow up to be four-feet-tall and three-and-a -half feet wide.

    But boy can she suck $ 20.00 bills out of businessmen in a bar!

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  28. rob

    So this is how the apocalypse starts. Simply put, the end of the world as we know it…

  29. GORGON

    hmmm…I wonder if she’ll age well….

  30. Mia

    I’m looking at her and her BAG now and all I can think about is how incredibly appropriate the italian phrase “to give pearls to pigs” is in her case…

  31. Choc DOnut

    I didn’t know Planet of the Apes released another sequel.

  32. captain america

    a little funny genius?

    (but americans are used to it)

  33. Snooki
    Commented on this photo:

    Erm, what? Lumpa ball of trash.

  34. ctti

    Wow. Snooki’s apparently intelligent. I suppose she walks into Barnes & Noble, picks up Paris Hilton’s autobiography & tries to learn how to maximize her own potential as a fame whore. Intelligence, indeed.

    And I know she’s two foot nothing but that doesn’t make her “pint-sized”. I mean, she probably has enough fat in one ass cheek alone to keep an eskimo warm 365 days a year.

  35. stevebeagle

    cousin it with a spray on tan

  36. WRECK

    She looks like a really ugly Elizabeth Taylor, like when Liz got old and puffy but minus the amazing eyes.

  37. dufresne

    I don’t like her. I’ll bet she has a smelly butt.

  38. Dani

    What is it with all these young girls “wanting a man to take care of me” all of a sudden? Take care of yourself Snooki. This isn’t 1950 anymore. Strange how they want all the advantages of being a liberated woman but still want the traditional man of the house.

  39. Obvious

    Seriously, who would want this fat greasy meatball

  40. Gary

    Did she have a skin transplant? In that she replaced all of her skin with sausage casing?

  41. wonker

    I’m from Brooklyn. Fuck! I don’t want her here. Theres sooooooo many guidos and guidettes here and I know they don’t want her here either. I think I gotta move. Shes gonna make Brooklyn look really bad. She’s such a nasty fat piece of dirty cunt.

  42. SO RIGHT

    Snooki – if you’re reading this. Some advice for you…
    DROP 20 pounds – 4’11 and fat doesn’t look good
    Cut your hair! People who are short with big fat faces shouldn’t have hair pulling them down. Layer it and bring it up, girl.
    YOUR LIPSTICK! Pink is fine! Just not chalky white pink. You need more depth to your lip color, cuz that one makes you look lipless.
    Powder your greasy face.
    Dress with more class – perhaps J Crew or Benetton or Nordstrom

  43. j/k

    Let me get this straight. She can’t get a steroid fried dude to love so she thinks a mob hitman (Italian business man from Brooklyn) would?

    I think she should get a job in a prison. Maybe just maybe some dude would rather be with her than forced to have sex with other men. Maybe.

  44. xYike

    >> “the pint-sized reality starlet”

    ROFL what the fuck ever. She is gallon-sized at a minimum. Makes porky pig look lithe.

  45. Snooki
    Commented on this photo:

    Her bangs are fake. You can see it. Shame, shame.

  46. Snooki
    Commented on this photo:

    Doesn’t this girl own another purse?????

  47. blog0709
    there is a striking look alike

  48. Snooki
    Commented on this photo:

    This East Indian chick needs to be off TV.
    She is in minute #16 of her 15 minutes of fame.

  49. Drahcir

    I started to say anything would be an improvement, but not sure anything would help. Well not everyone can be beautiful.

  50. Snooki
    Commented on this photo:

    this gurl is a hot mess omg y is she getting fame?

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