Shia LaBeouf’s Drunk Butt-Touching Days Are Over

Posted by Photo Boy

Remember last week when the artist formerly known as the actor Shia LaBeouf went on Ellen to thoughtfully reflect on society’s shared existential void, which lead him to act out, in turn leading meanie meanheads to say mean things about him on the Internet? It could have been all of that, or he was just really shitfaced on whiskey.

To sum that up for those of you at work/those whose lives have more value than to waste seven minutes on farts farting out of Transformers kid’s mouth, Shia basically got drunk, tried and failed to fuck a homeless guy, tried and failed to fuck two old ladies at a Broadway show, tried and failed to fuck Alan Cumming while he was performing in said show, then got arrested and shit himself the minute a black guy talked to him in the holding cell. I’d say I feel bad that his days of acting like this aren’t well behind him if I wasn’t convinced he’d plagiarized the entire story from every single night Lindsay Lohan’s actually showed up for Speed-the-Plow. Although, there was no mention of blowing a bail bondsman so hard he gave you his ATM card and pin number. Maybe this LaBeouf kid has turned a new leaf after all..

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