Shia LaBeouf Tried To Say He’s In The National Guard
“Hold up, it looks like nobody’s acting like a fuckmouth over there. I must go.”
Because he’s become the Andy Kauffman of hipster douche art, Shia LaBeouf said a bunch of crazy shit to the cops who arrested him in Austin the other day that I’m sure we’re going to find out any minute now was a word-for-word transcript of something Tupac said when he was arrested. This is how you start the dialogue, sheeple! Via New York Daily News:
“While speaking with Sgt. Jelesijevic, LaBeouf stated that if stopped by Los Angeles Police Department he typically walks away because Police had killed a friend of his,” according to the affidavit.
“And he became increasingly confrontational, aggravated, profane and verbally aggressive with Sgt. Jelesijevic throughout the stop, calling him a ‘silly man’ three times.”
Wait, if the cops kill your friend, you get a lifetime pass to act like a shit weasel? Is that why Obama let all those thugs steal sneakers in Baltimore? AW SNAP THE BEEF DONE JUST UNCOVERED DAT CONSPIRACY YA’LL!
The 29-year-old actor claimed he was a National Guard member and told the officer he needed to “do whatever the f–k you gotta do!” the affidavit reads.
His two companions were identified by police as 20-year-old Grace Alayana and 18-year-old Daytona Stanga.
Shit, nevermind everyone, false alarm — It was pussy. This whole thing was about a 30-year-old dude trying to get 18-year-old pussy. It’s fine, Shia, we get it. Almost daily, Fish and I can be heard in coffee shops loudly using the words “markets,” “capital,” and “escrow.” At this point we consider it a win if we’re not actively maced in the eyes, so two wins. We have two wins.
And here’s three-year-old Megan Fox bikini photos, because we too remember when your life was good, Shia.