Did Shia LaBeouf Know Too Much?

July 8th, 2014 // 14 Comments
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Now that Shia LaBeouf has been effectively discredited thanks to a month of terrorizing New York with piss and butt-grabbing, it’s time to ask the hard questions about how he’s definitely a victim of MK Ultra. It’s totally obvious. Which brings us to Vigilant Citizen, a blog dedicated to pointing out how every single music video has the same exact imagery which is clearly the result of Illuminati manipulation and not, oh I dunno, Hollywood being a place where original thought goes to die. (That said, the dude’s write-up on True Detective is fucking bananaballs awesome because if anybody should write a breakdown of that show, it’s someone who actually believes there’s a psychosphere you can taste with your mouth.) Anyway, in VC’s latest post, his theory is that Shia LaBeouf was targeted for humiliation by his “MK handlers” back in 2008 when he told Jay Leno about an FBI consultant on the set of Eagle Eye who demonstrated to Shia that the government was recording “one out of every five conversations” either through our phones, home security or OnStar systems. Jump to four years later, and suddenly Shia’s naked in a Sigur Rós video eating a scorpion lollipop and being forced to wear a bag over his head. The evidence is all right there. OPEN YOUR EYES.

So here’s Shia telling Jay about government surveillance while promoting a movie about government surveillance (Coincidence or lizard people?) which naturally involved an anecdote where Shia phone-sexes a lady, so everything sounds super legit. I’m amazed a sniper didn’t take him out.

And here he is having butterflies land on his dick because the Illuminati know exactly how to break a man, and it’s butterflies to the dick. I don’t know how they figured it out. We hid it so well.

Photos: WENN

superficial

  1. ben dover

    why comment on this fuck nut?

  2. JimBB

    I would like to advance an alternative hypothesis that he’s a narcissistic hipster douchebag.

  3. Swearin

    Maybe he’s just an entitled, crazy fucknut who grew up poor in a broken family, got famous young and never really had a childhood, then went straight from the most batshit image-conscience company in the world to becoming the personal muse of Michael Bay who for years subjected him to loud noises and constant danger of being blown up while reciting terrible dialogue against green screens and the hottest woman in Hollywood under 30 who, in reality, he never had a chance with.

    Then his new mentor suggests him to his pal, the greatest director of the last 30 years, to continue a beloved franchise that they then dragged through the mud, causing millions of people to focus their rage, mostly unfairly, against him.

    During this time, he begins to hate himself and the work he’s doing (rightly so) and starts listening to the advice of the weirdos he’s been hanging around with like Marilyn Manson and Lars Von Trier. He dives into drugs and booze then leaves a perfectly fine, normal girl for his crack-addict-looking co-star, and develops a superiority complex, declares himself a true “artiste” but comes to the crushing realization he has very little talent and, hyped up on the Millennial doctrine that everything should be free and available to be used without consequence, he steals a bunch of shit word-for-word, gets exposed for being a fraud, and can’t get work in big movies anymore because he burned a bunch of bridges and gets his ass beat by strangers he’s picked fights with.

    So now he’s drowning in rage issues, jacked up on substances 24/7 and is considered mostly as a punchline. But no, I’m sure it’s really secret societies and government agencies ruining his career and overall life…

  4. Sentences I never expected to see in print: “Did Shia LaBeouf Know Too Much?”

  5. Brooks

    Is this the same group Randy Quaid kept babbling about?

  6. Fucked up childhood + Family issues + Genetics (?) + Disney + Hollywood

    On a human level I hope he can pull himself together, he’s not even fun for me to hate.

  7. Louis Calvin Kline

    The Unknown Comic. All dressed up, no place to go.

  8. Pretty sure wearing tinfoil is a surefire way to eradicate the last few brain cells you already have.

  9. Can I just go on record as saying I’m ready to sell out?

    Look, Illuminati overlords…the entire McFeely Smackup brand is at your disposal to use or misuse as you will, I just needs to get paid.

    That’s right kids, if tomorrow you see me suddenly writing glowing prose about Kim Kardashians latest ensemble, or cooing over famous babies, you know what happened. It means I sold out, and fuck you all.

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