An Open Letter From Justin #BBare To Drake On The Subject of Dat Ass

March 4th, 2014 // 20 Comments
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Dearest Drake (ak-47-a Wheelchair Jimmy),

It has come to the attention of I, Justin Felonius B-Bare, Canada’s One and Only Darkest Son, that you have been making references to da ass of one Selena Gomez who I, not even 24 hours ago, called a most elegant princess dampenin’ dem panties beyond composition.

How you gonna do a brotha like dat?

1. We Canadians, jigga. It’s our Solomon duty to be polite, not be runnin’ up on each other’s girls talkin’ ’bout stickin’ no dicks in dem asses. Which sounds gross, by the way, and I ain’t even know you can do that. My moms won’t let me watch RedTube cause she hates da playa not da game. White bitches, amirite?

2. How’s Rihanna‘s pussy? You likin’ it all nice and non-maple-syruped? ‘Cause you step to what is rightfully mine and I be goin’ IHOP on dem pancakes. My moves be smoother than milk, so you know I ain’t even break a sweat. Plus Breezy told me which ear to punch, and she’ll be all like, “Aw, gimme me dat 18 inches of maple sausage, B-Bare!” Happens every time.

3. If you do happen to get up in dat ass, can y’all see if I left a GameBoy Color up in there? I know that sounds weird, but it’s just I got all my Pokemon’s leveled up, and I ain’t seen it since. I’m talking Charizard straight smokin’ bitches with one attack. ONE ATTACK. And ya ain’t even want to know ’bout Jigglypuff. Shiiiitt.

Nigga 2 nigga,

Bizzle B-Bare Bigelow

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, Splash News, WENN


  1. It was just a’ight… until the Pokemon reference.
    Thank you, Fish, for making me completely lose my shit at work.

  2. Inner Retard

    OK, this was funny. The last part made it work. Just imagine Selena running around with a GameBoy up her ass. Incidentally, can you set a GameBoy to vibrate?

  3. ManWhoHasSeenAVagina

    I can’t read this shit. Write like a normal person. We get it, Justin Bieber is a douchebag who wants to be black. I still don’t want to read a simulation of some effeminate wigger’s ebonics.

    I do, however, want to pee in Selena’s butt.

    PS – Justin was apparently decent at hosting the Oscar’s on Sunday night.

    • ManWhoHasSeenAVagina

      Regarding “Oscar’s”: I added a superfluous apostrophe to a pluralized word. Let it be noted that I’m an idiot and I hate people like me.

  4. Rather Dashing

    Dear Fish,

    This is the first of your Justin posts I’ve clicked on since you started writing them in “gangsta style.” We get it. The joke is Justin hangs out with thugs and thinks he’s black. I love me some Justin bashing, but please stop writing the Justin posts this way. Trying to read them makes my head hurt.


  5. LOL. Don’t stop these Fish. They’re a thinking man’s trip to Wiggertown. I find myself talking in an inner wigger voice for hours afterward, to my own delight. The “Syrup Nose De Burger Rack’ from yesterday will always be da bomb.

  6. It’s a damn shame when a man loses the most important thing in his life. All his Pokemon. We put time and care into those things. I’ll cut a bitch for messing with my Heracross or Blaziken.

  7. Selena Gomez Butt Cleavage Jumper united4 good and Variety Magazine Present united4humanity Event
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    It’s like an ad for hair extensions.

  8. Selena Gomez Butt Cleavage Jumper united4 good and Variety Magazine Present united4humanity Event
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    Yes she has a sweet childlike face but she fills out the top like a grown up…a grown up who repeatedly handled 18 millimeters of maple sausage.

  9. “With The Power of POULTRY, Jigga”


  10. Selena Gomez Butt Cleavage Jumper William H Macy united4 good and Variety Magazine Present united4humanity Event
    The Pope
    Commented on this photo:

    William H. Macy knows how to have a happy marriage.

  11. you had me at y’all seeing if i left a gameboy up there.

  12. I tried to NOT read this post to its very end, but alas, the power of the darkest Canuck brotha wet my damned panties again & shit.

  13. KLClark

    Selena Gomez has no ass!

    Flatter than a skinny man’s chest.

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