An Open Letter From Justin #BBare To Drake On The Subject of Dat Ass

The Superficial / March 4, 2014

Dearest Drake (ak-47-a Wheelchair Jimmy),

It has come to the attention of I, Justin Felonius B-Bare, Canada’s One and Only Darkest Son, that you have been making references to da ass of one Selena Gomez who I, not even 24 hours ago, called a most elegant princess dampenin’ dem panties beyond composition.

How you gonna do a brotha like dat?

1. We Canadians, jigga. It’s our Solomon duty to be polite, not be runnin’ up on each other’s girls talkin’ ’bout stickin’ no dicks in dem asses. Which sounds gross, by the way, and I ain’t even know you can do that. My moms won’t let me watch RedTube cause she hates da playa not da game. White bitches, amirite?

2. How’s Rihanna’s pussy? You likin’ it all nice and non-maple-syruped? ‘Cause you step to what is rightfully mine and I be goin’ IHOP on dem pancakes. My moves be smoother than milk, so you know I ain’t even break a sweat. Plus Breezy told me which ear to punch, and she’ll be all like, “Aw, gimme me dat 18 inches of maple sausage, B-Bare!” Happens every time.

3. If you do happen to get up in dat ass, can y’all see if I left a GameBoy Color up in there? I know that sounds weird, but it’s just I got all my Pokemon’s leveled up, and I ain’t seen it since. I’m talking Charizard straight smokin’ bitches with one attack. ONE ATTACK. And ya ain’t even want to know ’bout Jigglypuff. Shiiiitt.

Nigga 2 nigga,

Bizzle B-Bare Bigelow

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, Splash News, WENN