Sean Penn & Oprah Brace Haiti For Kim Kardashian’s Arrival

“There’s just not enough room for her ass. Sean, I can’t look…”

Despite my liberal leanings, I don’t see photos of Sean Penn and Oprah frantically running around Haiti in faux urgency and immediately start masturbating into a pile of arugula at a Whole Foods. (Okay, I did do that, but only to feel fancy.) No, I roll my eyes just like you and then immediately make with the Lost jokes. “Wait, you’re not Oprah- Smoke monster!” That said, apparently Kim Kardashian is also in Haiti so people will think she’s too charitable of a person to stage a fake wedding purely for profit, so God willing, these two are trying to physically remove her from the island, hopefully by using Sean to punch out every single person with a camera. Because if no one’s snapping Kim’s picture with a starving child who could feed an entire village with just one slice of her ass cheek, what’s the point in even going? That’s precious mustache waxing time you’re wasting.

Photos: Splash News