Scarlett Johansson & Sean Penn Broke Up

June 3rd, 2011 // 26 Comments

When a 26-year-old divorcee rebounds directly into the arms of a 50-year-old egomaniac who used to punch Madonna for sport, you just assume that’s the kind of relationship that will go the distance. So imagine my surprise when Scarlett Johansson andSean Penn called it quits after just three months. Is it because she keeps getting pregnant? I bet it’s because she keeps getting pregnant. People reports:

Speculation about the pair began after Johansson did not attend the Cannes Film Festival with Penn for his movie The Tree of Life. She has been working on The Avengers in New Mexico, reprising her role of Black Widow from Iron Man 2.
… The reason for the split wasn’t immediately known. Reps declined to comment.

Keep in mind Ryan Reynolds is exactly two weeks away from opening a massive summer blockbuster that will skyrocket his career, and even more importantly, he still has testicles that don’t look like a slightly less dead version of Hugh Hefner’s face. I’m talking tender, firm rounds orbs you just want to rub your face into and forget all about blogging about celebrities all day Haiti for five fucking minutes. I hear they even halos.

On that note, I need to never be exposed to Tito Ortiz’s penis again because I’m pretty sure I just wrote an entire commentary about Ryan Reynold’s balls back there. It’s kinda hard to tell with this Green Lantern mask on. Maybe if I squint…

Photos: Getty


  1. Cock Dr

    What a shocker. They seem so well suited to be together forever & ever.

  2. Spicoli crap!

    OH thank god. That shit was gross.

  3. I guess their mutual fantasy of blowing Obama got in the way.

    • Barack Obama

      It wasn’t that their fantasy got in the way, it’s that only one person can blow me at a time and they hated taking turns.

    • muddy mudskipper

      Scarlett is gonna need a lot of rest after the thrashing Michelle gave her

  4. For a moment there, I thought I felt an ounce of sympathy for them, but it turned out to be only gas. So, excuse me.

  5. Ksurfiws

    Old man balls and constant yammering on about Venezuela and Hugo Chavez have got to wear a girl out. Plus all the old man balls.

  6. Richard McBeef

    I’d give it a few weeks for all the old dick skin and feeble sperm to wash out, but then I would plow that chunky bitch through the wall.

  7. horny pig

    I heard a rumor that she is already dating Burt Reynolds

  8. Pathetic Old Man

    She will never recover from this embarrassment

  9. It had to be said

    I remember her. She was really hot at one point. Not in this picture though.

  10. She got tired of having to have sex on an elevated platform so that his scrotum wouldn’t get tangled up underneath them.

  11. cc

    He woke up and said ‘You’ve got more than you share of cottage cheese’ and she said ‘Oh ya? You look like on of those goddawful apple dolls!’ and what was that.

  12. The hood is supposed to go in the back, dumbass.

  13. bassface

    Is Superfish Writer saying that Ryan Reynolds’ bollox look like a Miami Heat logo?

  14. They were never actually dating…Scarlet was just the victim of weird shirts and bad angles that made it LOOK like she was bouncing off an old guys dick.

  15. muddy mudskipper

    Nice to know you think so highly of Ryan Reynolds’ balls, Fish.

  16. Cardinal Fang

    This is the kind of chick who gives regular non-celebrity guys like us the idea that we would have a chance with them. If so many of these hot celeb babes are so blatantly willing to settle for either old, ugly, fucked up, drunken, etc, men, then why not give a plain nice guy like us a spin?
    But they don’t.


  17. They should stay together, if only for the Haitians.

  18. tlmck

    The look of a woman who finally realizes she has hit rock bottom.

  19. The Real Reason he was

    smitten with her was that she oftentimes had a “look” that resembled Madonna’s style from the video Live to Tell-look and see what I mean, plus she is a stupid young twat who has shit for brains

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