Scarlett Johansson Is Esquire’s Sexiest Woman Alive. Again.

October 7th, 2013 // 34 Comments

Scarlett Johansson was Esquire‘s Sexiest Woman Alive in 2006, and now she is again seven years later because apparently finding attractive celebrities is hard. (Or not at all because here, here, here, here, and mother of God here.) The important thing is that we honor this occasion by laughing at Scarlett Johansson falling down for Internet memes are the sport of both aristocrat and pauper alike. Or whatever fancy words mean I’m pretending this dolphin is my penis. Snare me in your tuna net, Shitty Black Widow. Eek! Eek!


Scarlett Johansson Esquire Sexiest Woman Alive Cover 2013

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Photo: Esquire


  1. Still hot, but definitely not as hot as she used to be. There are many better choices.

  2. would jizz across the front of that

  3. Cock Dr

    How annoying she must be for Sean Penn to kick that out of his bed.

  4. JC

    I’m no expert at judging these things, but this seems like a pretty shitty picture for a “sexiest woman”-type shoot. Awkward body position, dead face, hands look like she’s picking at hangnails, etc.

    • JohnnyHildo

      Agreed. Any of Kelly Brook’s iinstagram pics are hotter/better than this. At least she could look a little enthused about the rather large-ish check that I would guess goes along with the “privilege” of being named numero uno hottie.

    • To be fair, it’s Scarlett Johansson. If you want to see her face animated, you’d better hand her a lightning rod.

  5. So a woman being the sexiest alive is totally dependent on her having a movie to promote, not her actual level of attractiveness. I’m sure if Chloe Moretz wasn’t underaged, she’d be the “sexiest” she’s got a new movie coming out too.

  6. Scarlett Johansson Falling Down Meme
    Commented on this photo:

    That meme made me so happy.

  7. I don’t know about sexiest woman alive, but she’s hot as hell, that’s for sure.

  8. Cher X

    Still it’s better than when they chose Minka Kelly.

  9. ace11


  10. I would gladly declare her a co-winner of my prestigious and exclusive “Would Not Kick Out of Bed For Eating Crackers” award. You should see the statuette!

  11. whatthe

    Those thighs have been hella airbrushed, and she’s sucking in her gut.

  12. Scarlett Johansson Falling Down Meme
    Commented on this photo:

    This is perfection.

  13. Trek Girl

    What, why? There are lots women who are way sexier than her that they could have chosen. These lists are so stupid.

  14. Scarlett Johansson Falling Down Meme
    Commented on this photo:

    Man that’s righteous! A “cow” and its “calve”.

  15. Scarlett Johansson Falling Down Meme
    Commented on this photo:

    Kid, fuck the candy and run!

  16. Scarlett Johansson Falling Down Meme
    Commented on this photo:


  17. mrfknhappy

    Average at best. Lots of airbrushing here!!

  18. anonymous

    What an awkward pose. I guess Esquire wanted to make sure her tits, ass and legs made the cover at all costs.

  19. eh

    Well, given that she has had so much work done on her face she looks like a different person, this award is a celebration of the hotness of this new being, Scarlett 2.0.

  20. anonym

    bullshit. There are hotter women in the world.

  21. Scarlett Johansson Falling Down Meme
    Commented on this photo:

    Knock her in the head with the candy, then walk fast. Fat kids don’t run. I’m gonna be a damn zombie one day. I’ll probably still eat candy.

  22. ScarJoBeautiful…great tits…magnificent ass. I’d take her if I can’t get either of the next two.
    Emmanuelle ChriquiFucking incredible everything! Amazing body with supernatural tits. Yummy!
    Alice EvePerfect! No demerits. Not even one. The fact that she isn’t mine would be a demerit except the poor poppet has yet to meet me.

    • Beanz

      Alice eve has a massive square head. Also she was really annoying in that lame film ATM.

      • I don’t give a fuck if she was annoying in a chicken-shit movie. I want to fuck her, not direct her in a film. Massive square head? I don’t agree, but even if it’s so, all the better to blow me with.

  23. Sexiest nah, even if she kept her mouth shut it wouldn’t top the list.

  24. Beanz

    This lady gets better with age.

  25. you’re kidding. is everyone mad? she is ugly. her mouth structure; the cheekbone/eye combination if not ugly, simply unattractive. she is disgusting. her chest seem to be ok.
    the rest of the body: there are plenty like hers or better….

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