Everyone, Relax, It Was The Devil Who Made The Devil On The History Channel Look Like Obama

March 18th, 2013 // 76 Comments
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“I, uh, would like to spend, uh, 40 days, and, uh, nights with you. In the, uh, desert.”

Last night on The History Channel’s The Bible miniseries, Satan made an appearance (above) and looked an awful lot like a certain secret Muslim turning America into a socialist butt sex factory. A similarity that Glenn Beck immediately noticed and tweeted about sparking a giant media shitstorm that I’m honestly amazed was surpassed by the Steubenville rape verdicts. So while speculation ran rampant all morning about why the producers would do such a thing and if it was red meat tossed to the show’s presumably conservative audience, creator Mark Burnett, who claims to have nothing but “respect and love” for Obama, finally set the record straight about what happened here. TMZ reports:

Burnett — a deeply religious man — tells TMZ … he believes there is a devil on earth. Burnett says the devil has stirred the pot and created a false likeness between Obama and the TV devil.
Why, you ask, would the real devil care about a TV show? Fact is … the show is HUGELY popular and is having a big impact on viewers. Burnett notes the show last night featured a face-to-face meeting between Jesus and the devil … BUT it’s not the first time the TV devil has appeared on the show. The TV devil appeared in the Garden of Eden scene awhile back and no one said anything.
Burnett believes the real devil is scared that Jesus has now entered the picture and is trying to distract from Jesus’ message by creating a false story.
Burnett says, “What could be more annoying to Satan than talking about Jesus?”

Phew, thank God. For a minute there, I thought this was a TV show blatantly pandering to its target audience, but fortunately it’s just another case of the unholy ruler of the underworld clouding our vision to further his nefarious agenda. In fact, if I rub my eyes, I’m pretty sure this is just Eartha Kitt. Not to mention, this is way better than The History Channel’s previous explanation that they hire Arabic-looking dudes to play Satanic characters all the time while casting beautiful, white Americans to play Jesus because everyone knows he’s from Kansas. Ha! Could you imagine if that were the case?

Jesus The History Channel Bible Miniseries

Aw, shit.

Photos: The History Channel

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  1. We’re doomed as a species as long as people keep believing in this horseshit.

    • Dick Hell

      Homo Sapiens is a bit of a misnomer, Homo Ignoramus would be more accurate.
      In any event, an overwhelming majority of humans will always be superstitious cretins.

      • Mouse A. Tongue

        True dat. Even in communist China, officially atheist since 1949 people appear to prefer shark fins and rhino horns (or some body part from virtually any endangered species) to pharmaceutical grade boner pills.
        Even without religion people are still complete dumbasses.

    • absolutely – humanity would be so much better off if everyone accepted the fact we know everything, and there is no higher power than us in this universe.

      • Dick Hell

        Nobody said anything about knowing everything. If you can’t engage in a forthright honest discussion of the topic you do a great disservice to your imaginary deity… who frankly expects better from you.

      • Hello there. Perhaps you misread that or are a little slow. Allow me to elaborate: The people who believe in space zombie or half-human/half-animal deities are the ones who claim to “know everything”. Those who reply on scientific inquiry realize that we do not and probably cannot know everything, but are interested in finding rational reasons for why things are. Furthermore, they are also devoted to testing the ideas of others to see if they stand up to said inquiry based upon methods developed over the centuries.

      • Jesus H. Tapdancin' Christ

        Religion, a magic device for turning unanswerable questions into unquestionable answers.

      • Maybe you missed the part where damned near every single solitary scientific discovery, ever, was made by an individual who possessed some degree of belief that there is something meaningful and worthwhile in holding onto some faith in religion. But yeah, keep up with the strawman arguments where if someone expresses any faith in their religion at all, we must ascribe to them a blind faith in every single literal word of the Bible.
        You should watch that episode of ‘it’s always sunny in philadelphia’ where Mack breaks it down as far as the reality that whichever side of the religion / science argument you’re on, your beliefs are almost entirely dependent on blind faith in things you have no first hand knowledge of.

      • Dick Hell

        You are quite the presumptuous cretin, aren’t you? Not to mention a world-class projectionist.

      • Jesus H. Tapdancin' Christ

        I was particularly amused by the reference to It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Nothing bolsters an argument in support of a fictional deity like a pertinent quote from a fictional character.

      • Dick Hell

        Happy to pitch in and help the home-school debate team prep for the big meet, assuming he doesn’t get Raptured first.

  2. Lemmiwinks

    Honesty, if you had stigmata how many of you guys would attempt to squeeze your dick in the hole? Of course you would. If God didn’t want you to fuck that hole he wouldn’t have put it in reach of your penis.

  3. So Prada makes hoodies?

  4. Its 2013…when are we going to start calling people out for these stupid, neanderthal-like beliefs? (no offense to neanderthals)

  5. I’ve tried to watch this because the guy playing JC is a famous actor in Portugal…but I couldn’t even finish the first episode, the acting is HORRIBLE!

    • Gotta keep in mind that the producers of the show consider what they are putting out to be a documentary so for them the acting is secondary to presenting the “facts”.

    • Chris

      I agree. I watched one episode and found they managed to take a book full of talking snakes, mega floods, war, famine, plague, pestilence, magical gardens, dudes with wings and flaming swords and made it all incredibly dull.

  6. If you are going to pose as an educational, fact based network, stick with Ancient Aliens, History Channel.

  7. Cock Dr

    If I HAD cable I think I would be more interested in the Santa Claus VS Easter Bunny pie eating contest now playing on the Weather Channel.

    • Nonny Moose

      Meh. Now, if it was Santa Claus versus the Ice Cream Bunny, I could get down with that.

      And, you know, the thing about the Ice Cream Bunny… he’s got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll’s eyes.

  8. karlito

    I just love the way Jesus is always portrayed as being a white guy with long blondish hair. Jesus would have looked more like Horshack, ( Welcome Back, Kotter) and less like Brad Pitt.

  9. AnnaD.

    That is a pretty lame look for Satan.

  10. cc

    Everyone knows the devil is red.

  11. Juch

    Whoa, when did they write the Sith into the bible, much less make Obama one of them?

  12. Visible Ink

    George Lucas just went: SHIT! If I had used this instead of Darth Maul The Phantom Menace would have been a classic!

    • Oh c’mon, Darth Maul was the only good thing in that mess…

      • Visible Ink

        If you liked him great. I mean that. He didn’t work for me. It was the bone spikes and the odd paint job. They were a gimmick. He looked evil just to look overtly evil. I’d think the Sith which operate from the shadows would go for a subtle, unrecognizable look.

  13. Chin wart – nice touch, devil.

  14. As if the Devil has the time to watch poor reenactments of himself on television. We all know he was running the now concluded CPAC and finding ways to keep Sarah Palin relevant.

  15. So y’all think some old haggard wrinkly dude looks like Obama, because they’re both black? Clearly, you liberal tools think all black folk look alike, but you think it’s the rest of us that have a problem?

    • You missed the mark there billyjoe: it’s cause the haggard wrinkly dude is half black and half white and was raised in Indonesia and Hawaii – AND is a secret muslim and has a fake birth certificate – that makes us think he looks like Obama.

    • ThisWillHurt

      Actually, it was Glen Beck who pointed out the comparison. So much for the “liberals are racist” argument.

  16. I’d be a “religious” person and not an atheist but for the fact I like reasoning, logic and overall the concept of the rationale

  17. Elie Sussmayer

    Mmmm i cannot wait for the dinosaur scene ! When jesus and the apostles meet the brontosaurus ! Great show !

    • Well if they do a scene with a brontosaurus, then the show will be showing something false as humans never existed alongside the brontosaurus. The brontosaurus never existed. Instead of the brontosaurus, there was actually the Apatosaurus. The show having jesus and the apostles meet the Apatosaurus will be correct thing to tell us about the true history of humans.

    • Everyone knows that the dinosaur bones were placed there by the Jews to shake our faith.

  18. I call bullshit. Exactly in which of the books did Zaphod Beeblebrox get a hole in his hand?

  19. Joe Blow

    He looks nothing like Obama. You can tell that his ears aren’t nearly as large as Obama’s.

  20. slugcity

    Jesus. Give into your anger and strike down your father and together we will rule the US.

  21. the extreme christian right in the usa is scary.
    thats some heavy shit manipulation.
    next episode: rand paul as jesus?

    • CGI Ronald Reagan as Jesus.

    • And the extreme communist left, isn’t scary at all…..

      • wtf does this comment get nothing but td’s? oh yeah, I forgot that communism is a utopian society that guarantees civil rights and dignity to all people. Like in Mao’s cultural revolutions, the Stalin era purges, Katyn forest, domination of eastern europe, Fidel’s Cuba, Khmer Rouge, and all those other such wondrous achievements of communist governments – which collectively are responsible for more deaths than all the crusades + the Nazis. What again was the first order of business for Mao and Stalin? Oh yeah, removing religion from society.

      • And replacing religion with talking points from Alex Jones.

      • The Holy Spook

        Careful, you’ll end up on schmidtler’s (shit) list.

      • Thanks for the warning Spook. However, my kid and dogs will still love me no matter what, so who really gives a poo what random people on the internet think of me.

      • brilliant

        Why are you adding the Nazis? You know damn well Hitler was religious (raised catholic but became christian). This is a very dangerous misrepresentation of (or an attempt to manipulate) history.

      • ReagnSucksDicksInHell

        The fact your faith is literally so tenuous that you have to waggle your tiny dick around on a CELEBRITY GOSSIP SITE about it just proves what a complete clown you are.

        Liberalism is a joke, but conservatism is a fucking crime against humanity. Especially with easily manipulated closeted dorks like you railing on and on about it.

  22. grobpilot

    I really enjoy the image of Jesus on a dog’s ass that’s been on the Net recently. I want to see millions of Catholics flock to that home to worship and kiss the image

  23. Interred Ferguson

    Obama????? That doesn’t look like Barack, it looks like TOMMY LEE JONES……..

  24. Jeff in St Louis

    A lot of anger in this thread. Can we all just agree the devil doesn’t look like Obama and that it’s Obama that looks like the devil? I mean give Lucifer his props, he isn’t the new guy on the block. He’s been looking like a wrinkly Obama since he apple bombed Eve.

  25. tuliplady

    I would think that if the Devil had all the power in the world (and yes, he has plenty of power) – he wouldn’t look that bad. If I’d have that much power to be/do/think anything, I’d look like Gisele Bundchen with Buffett’s bank account and Highclere as a house with a room filled with Tony Montana’s blow next to a whiskey distillery and a Playboy sized entourage living with me. Not look like “Obama” 30 years from now… wandering the Earth wasting people’s time…

  26. Not only dose Obama look like the Devil, but his number and date of birth also adds up to the beast.!!!…

    .Obama is 44th president of the United States of America and the word “Beast” is mentioned in its singular form 44 times in the book of Revelations. ……

    ..Barack Obama Born 4 August 1961 the 216th day of the year. 216 = 6x6x6…….

    .A=6 B=12 C=18 D=24 E=36 etc. BARACK = 216 = 6X6X6………….

    .A=1 B=2 C=3 D=4 E=5 F=6 G=7 H=8 I=9 J=10 K=11 L=12 M= 13 N=14 O=15 P=16 Q=17 R=18 S=19 T=20 U=21 V=22 W=23 X=24 Y=25 Z=26.

    Barack: = 2+1+18+1+3+11=36
    Hussein= 8+21+19+19+5+9+14=95
    Obama = 15+2+1+13+1=32
    Add these three totals 36+95+32=163
    Multiply by the Beast: = 1 63 x 666 = 108,558
    Split and Add: = 108 + 558 = 666.

    From all the above compiling evidence we can now take it for granted that Barack Obama is set to be the Devil incarnate from the Book of Revelations.

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