Stop Asking Serious Artist Baby Goose To Be ‘Sexiest Man Alive,’ Girl

Posted by Photo Boy

Yesterday, we spent some time considering whether or not Thor could get us off harder than any other chiseled actor, and today, we’ll spend even more time thinking about one of the guys who didn’t get that honor. I want to make it perfectly clear that when we’re casually discussing who is “the sexiest” by way of People magazine’s top-selling feature, we’re saying that when we sexually climax in the height of our passion, we’d like it to be all over Chris Hemsworth in the bed of a rusty farm truck. Perhaps this is why Ryan Gosling has decided “multiple” times not to be the superimposed face on your fat, sweaty lover’s body. Via The Wrap:

“They tried a few times, especially during his huge year in 2011,” an individual close to the cover negotiations said. Multiple efforts were consistently squashed by the actor’s team. “The consensus was he’s too serious for it, too artsy,” the individual added.

Or maybe this whole thing is a complete farce to sell magazines and/or get people to click on websi- *gets knuckles rapped with ruler by Fish* Fine, I just want to pull one more quote from this in-depth investigation into why Ryan Gosling doesn’t want me thinking about him when I masturbate with shampoo in the shower. Why, Ryan?! Why don’t you want us jerking off to your face??!!

But it’s the “Drive” star who speeds away from the glory.

Wow. That awful pun is hands-down the grossest thing written in this post. We can all agree on that as well as how much we want to blow Loki, because he’s totally the hottest Asgardian. (Now I’m mixing your nerd jargon with gay sex fantasies. Make me write another one of these. Go ahead.)

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