Last week Rosie O’Donnell apparently helped a woman out of a car only to find herself suffering a “Widowmaker” heart attack which not a lot of people live through. So to commemorate this momentous occasion, she blogged about it in weird poetic stanzas, so here’s an easier to read version from People:
O’Donnell said her own health problems started on Aug. 14 after she helped “an enormous woman” struggling to get out of her car in a parking lot in Nyack, N.Y.
A few hours later, her chest ached, both arms felt sore as if they were bruised, she became nauseous, and had clammy skin.
“maybe this is a heart attack,” she wrote. “i googled womens heart attack symptoms/i had many of them/but really? – i thought – naaaa.”
She took the aspirin recommended for people who think they are suffering a heart attack but didn’t call 911. She said that hundreds of thousands of women die each year of heart attacks and that many never dial the emergency number.
“by some miracle i was not one of them,” she wrote, adding: “know the symptoms ladies/listen to the voice inside/the one we all so easily ignore/CALL 911/save urself.”
Except what People left out is that Rosie’s blog post might as well have been titled, “Hey, Fat Bitch, You Almost Killed Me” because here’s the actual excerpt:
while walking in a parking lot in nyack
i heard a loud commanding voice
“can u help me”
more of a demand than request
a challenge – a plea
i turned and saw an enormous woman
struggling to get out of her car
she was stuck
“can u help me? she asked again
as i walked toward her
“oh u r rosie odonnell”
yes i am
the ghost of christmas future
me – if i did not wake
there r no accidents i thought
as i braced myself and lifted her
So if there’s a real moral to this story, it’s not that women can have heart attacks, too, and shouldn’t be afraid to call 911, it’s that you should never ask Rosie O’Donnell for help because she’ll probably almost die afterwards and call you a fat demanding behemoth on the Internet for making her be such a Good Samaritan. In fact, I remember that story ending with the Samaritan blogging about this dude he helped, too. “But, seriously, I’m not looking for attention even though that motherfucker could’ve got me killed. These things are their own reward. (Please retweet.)”