Robert Pattinson Isn’t The New Indiana Jones

June 5th, 2014 // 14 Comments
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Because England is a silly place, the British tabloids started a rumor that Robert Pattinson would be the new Indiana Jones which the Internet went fucking batshit over because everyone remembers when Powder played Young Indiana Jones. (I have my finger on the pulse of the people.) Except our long online nightmare is over because E! News has confirmed none of that shit is happening. However, they wouldn’t mind seeing Indy played by Jax Teller, Not Thor or Clint Eastwood‘s son which all sound ridiculous until you realize none of them are Shia LaBeouf. “Dude, I’m telling you, if an archaeologist in the 1940s had access to a dick cam, he’d use it to fight Hitler. It’s method, bro.”

Photos: Splash News

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  1. Id like to see Jonah Hill as the new Indiana Jones reboot. He’ll need a sidekick so I pick Miley Cyrus.

    There, solved.

  2. JC

    I wasn’t aware we needed a new Indiana Jones at all.

  3. The only Indiana Jones film that was *really* good was the original. The Last Crusade was the *other* Indy film that was at least fun, but missing that spark that Karen Allen brought to the proceedings. The less said about Temple of Doom and Crystal Skull, the better.

    An Indiana Jones film that’s good is actually quite hard to make, because the original is an homage to the serial cliffhangers in which the hero is in constant peril (and when he travels, a dashed line shows his progress across the map).

    So you need three elements:

    1. A really good screenplay by someone who has actually watched and loved those old serials;
    2. A director who has done the same;
    3. An actor who is rugged and a bit weatherbeaten. Harrison Ford brought that quality, along with the sly and elusive air of archaeologist-as-carnival-hustler.

    The probability of any new Indy film being shit: 90%. Hollywood execs think all they have to do is hire a “hot” director, cast a hunk, and concoct some wild and crazy adventure and they have an Indy film. They just don’t understand the formula because they don’t understand the source material: Doc Savage and the other pulp heroes of the matinee serials.

    • Also, Spielberg was hungry to redeem himself after the poorly received dud that was “1941″. So he attacked his next film, Raiders, with the gusto and verve of an eager, young filmmaker hellbent on proving he was the real thing and not just a “2 hit Wonder” (Jaws and Close Encounters). The story had to kick-ass and the storytelling had to kick even more ass. The care and thought that went into every aspect of Raiders is easy to see 30+ years later.

      • dennis

        Biggest problem with Lucas is that he was a dog with a bone about the whole father/son sentimentality. He did in in all his movies. You give him enough sequels–he’ll bring in the whole damn family. To his credit: he did it perfectly in the Last Crusade but then retired it in the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls which was bad.

        IJ should have been about the serial adventures. Hopefully, who ever is doing the new one will look no further than Raiders as a template for doing it right.

      • If anybody in Hollywood has the nerve, they’d commit to a new trilogy and film it back-to-back, Lord of the Rings style, so we don’t have this yawning gap between the first and third films.

        The new Indiana Jones should be Bradley Cooper, by the way. He has that jock-and-jester quality that got Tom Selleck cast as the original Indy and Harrison Ford as his replacement.

        If Cooper isn’t available, Aaron Eckhart (although the flop of I, Frankenstein might make him a hard sell for the role). The advantage of Eckhart is that he has all of the qualities of Cooper but is less well-known.

        Indiana Jones should NOT be under thirty years old…Indiana has to have some mileage on him.

      • I don’t know, I actually kind of think that Clint Eastwood’s kid’s looks promising. I haven’t seen him in anything, so I can’t say for sure, but he has a pretty good look down for a new IJ

      • “…Clint Eastwood’s kid…”

  4. And thus forth Indiana Jones shall sparkle and be the dreamiest stalker evah!

    Leave it alone, Hollywood.

  5. dennis

    News to me. I thought Disney had their sights set on Bradley “I snorted a line of coke” Cooper.

  6. I think I may be the only person alive who actually liked the movie Powder.

  7. Jkh

    On second thought, let’s not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.

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