Robert Pattinson’s Ready For You Now. Nurture Him, Comfort Him

August 14th, 2012 // 64 Comments
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If you follow The Superficial on Facebook or Twitter, you got to see me acquire a menstrual cycle last night while watching Robert Pattinson‘s first post-Kristen Stewart banging Rupert Sanders interview on The Daily Show where the man was just so disarmingly charming that I almost felt bad for making fun of all the hyperventilating fat chicks on YouTube wanting to kill for him. (Almost.) On top of that, he openly admits he doesn’t even have a publicist to preapprove interview questions, so he’s literally just showing up to these things blind to honor his agreements and support Cosmopolis. Do I sound smitten? I sound smitten. Anyway, above are a bunch of pics from his first public appearance, below is The Daily Show interview and even further below that is where a bunch of you will think you’re clever calling Robert Pattinson a faggot while he makes a Skarsgardian transformation into a pile of vaginas just waiting to nurse him back to health because women love broken things. That’s the only way I ever get laid not counting lies, alcohol, identity theft, staged muggings, blackmail, psi-ops, Mario Kart, guerrilla warfare and/or promises of shopping.

Photos: Fame/Flynet, INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News


  1. sheri

    seriously feel bad for the guy. He looked amazing tho.

  2. Cock Dr

    Love the accent…just can’t get over the anvil-to-the-face head shape.
    It’s time for that man to take a free fall into the world’s panting palpitating female masses. They’ll provide him the best physical therapy available for a young broken heart.

  3. Never really thought this guy was all that good looking, but he looks great here. And Fish is right; he’s completely charming. Being single suits you Robert. Maybe I should see those Twatlight movies after all…

  4. Cressida

    Come to me, Robbie. I shall comfort you …

  5. Skippy

    He’s so much better off w/o the trampire.

  6. cc

    Meanwhile Kristen sits at home and chews her fingernails to the quick.

  7. El Jefe

    I have nothing against this dude and he is actually a pretty amazing actor once you get him away from those shit Twilight movies.

  8. What happened now? Somebody cheated on somebody else?

    Hmmm. Hadn’t heard. Musta not been on the news.

  9. EricLr

    Nurse, get this man 50 cc’s of vagina, STAT!!!

    • Franklin Delano Alexander

      Not so fast, nurse – that vagina clearly hasn’t been thoroughly checked for public safety!

      As soon as I’m done with the testing – and only then – will it be FDA approved.

  10. Inner Retard

    Despite being drunk many times I now have a better understanding of what girls mean when they say their panties are wet. I’d fuck him!

  11. Robert Pattinson Cosmopolis Premiere
    Commented on this photo:

    He looks like Jason Priestley’s and Luke Perry’s love child.

  12. Yes. God, the pain. I heard he didn’t have sex for a full 20 minutes after hearing she cheated.

  13. USDA Prime McBeef

    Mario Kart has gotten me laid countless times. countless times. But the line does get blurry between Mario Kart and Psy-Ops.

  14. Robert Pattinson Cosmopolis Premiere
    Commented on this photo:

    He’s got to be the ugliest man on earth, or the prettiest Alien, whichever floats your boat.

  15. Yes thanks

    Anytime, anywhere — I’m yours, Robert!!!

  16. Robert Pattinson Cosmopolis Premiere
    Commented on this photo:

    Now usually, this is where I would make my “Robert Pattinson is gay” jokes. But think about it. Women love gay dudes. They let their guards down around them. Tell them intimate details of their lives. He could be using his effemenate ways to charm the girls, next thing they know they’re waking up the next morning at the Chateau Marmount, with a wrecked b-hole.

    Add pretending to be gay to your list, Fish.

    • You sonofabitch, me and the rest of the guys down at the “White Swallow” should take out a fucking contract on you for blowing(sorry, guys) one of the greatest undercover ops ever! Hanging out at a gay bar and allowing one of the women who constantly hang around to take you home and “convert” you is a sure-fire winner.


      Now I’m gonna have to work on my Mario Kart skills.

    • Annie

      What is it about ugly men and their eternal need to attack a handsome man’s sexuality? “He’s pretty, he’s gay LOLZ!”. I mean I get it when you’re 14 and you feel threatened by the guys in magazines that all your crushes like, but let’s be real, you never said that out loud when girls loved the hottest guy in school (because he most likely could’ve kicked your butt if you did).

      Last weekend my brother in law, someone not attractive at all, kept telling everybody this handsome friend of his we just met was gay. He wasn’t joking, he said it all serious. Turns out he wasn’t. He was just threatened and didn’t want his wife checking him out. I thought that if he was already not attractive, his insecurity made him even more unattractive. Just saying…

      • pfk

        Thank you Annie. I’m really sick of Kristen being called RP’s beard when she undoubtedly got some of the most beautiful cock in the 7 continents. That was very clear in her public apology, as well as him being kind, funny, and smart. He obviously likes women. I guess when you’re mean, ugly, and don’t really like women you have to do something to make yourself matter.

      • They’re just going by the accent. British (male) accent = gay. British (female) accent = Kate Beckinsale wants to sleep with me.

      • CranAppleSnapple

        heheh Deryn roolz!

      • Laurie

        You tell ‘em, Annie.

  17. Leila

    Hard not to love this guy after this interview. Have never seen the Twilight movies [although I suffered through all 4 books just trying to figure out what I was missing] but am seriously worried for him in future interviews without publicist. Not everyone is as awesome as Jon Stewart.

  18. Robert Pattinson Cosmopolis Premiere
    Commented on this photo:

    Saw this picture hanging in a church once, or was it a head shop?

  19. Robert Pattinson Cosmopolis Premiere
    Commented on this photo:

    F*CK!! Yes, I’ve always been a fan of Rob, but hot damn, he looks hotter than EVER!! He’s looks like a fully grown man. You can see the difference in his eyes, his demeaner..saw him on the Daily Show too..did anyone else notice he did not have his hands going thru his hair, also not at the premier..which his hair look hot, not a hair out of place..odd, I kinda missed that little hair twitch..I believe he is gonna be a bigger ya Rob!!

  20. The first pic looks like his face was photoshopped onto a much larger head, to account for that fivehead of his.

  21. Ana

    Wow. I actually didn’t hate him. I’m shocked. He was… charming. Mind = blown. I did find his laugh to be a bit annoying, though. Huzzah! I found something wrong! I can sleep better tonight.

  22. Sheppy

    Man… it’s a bearded clam fest in here.

  23. Fishballs

    This dude’s going to blow some minds in Cosmopolis, I assure you. I hope he keeps taking risky roles to offset the blockbusters.

  24. The Royal Penis

    You forgot to mention “rufies” Fish….don’t claim you don’t do that.

  25. Crissy

    That tan is very becoming… Man, what is it about a hurt and betrayed man that makes us women drool?!!! I hardly even like men!

  26. VAnne

    The fact that he’s showing how classy he is by not dragging kristen through the mud, in itself it’s almost like dragging her anyway because he’s just highlighting how classless she was. I really respect him for that. Take note, fellas. This is how you make them look worse.

    I hope he doesn’t go screwing people around now and acting like a huge douche as revenge. Stay classy. She’s the white trash. Let people see that. Don’t stoop to her level.

  27. Annie

    This is what director joseph khan just tweeted:

    *creepy Kristen Stewart in car with director hug* RT @PoeylovexD make more fantastic movies please

  28. Cunnilingus in a Car

    Never knew what he saw in K-Stewed …

  29. Lizard

    I was going to say if Luke Perry and a fish with Down Syndrome had a love child…but that makes no sense, because vampires can’t swim

  30. Laura

    Come to me Robert, I will comfort you baby. I would have never cheated on you!

  31. Carla

    Hmmmm…dude’s balls finally dropped. And I’m finally feeling the sexy.

  32. Joaquin ingles

    He forgot his beanie and scarf.

  33. Robert Pattinson Cosmopolis Premiere
    Commented on this photo:

    “In point of fact, she had never looked as well. She had entered her room as just an impossibly lovely girl. The woman who emerged was a trifle thinner, a great deal wiser, an ocean sadder. This one understood the nature of pain, and beneath the glory of her features, there was character, and a full knowledge of suffering.

    She was eighteen. She was the most beautiful woman in a hundred years. She didn’t seem to care.”

    From “The Princess Bride” (the book). It just sprang to mind when I saw this picture.

    (He is a nice-looking boy, but I don’t really think he’s the most handsome man in a hundred years. Or a pretty pretty princess.)

  34. loved how he handled that. If it were Kristen she would’ve been rolling her eyes and biting her lip at the man, that stupid cunt. And I’m allowed to say that cause I’m a girl.

  35. Robert Pattinson Cosmopolis Premiere
    Commented on this photo:

    Damn that beard actually looks all right

  36. Robert Pattinson Cosmopolis Premiere
    Commented on this photo:

    Looking extremely hot. And tanned, that suits him. Love ya, Rob!!!

  37. mrsmass

    haven’t seen him looking this good in a while. the breakup is doing wonders for his looks.

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