Having A Baby Is Working Out Great For Rob Kardashian

“You know how I know our love is real, baby? Because I know you’d never bring a child into what is essentially an elaborate scheme to milk whatever tiny portion of money you can out of my sister’s porn-founded empire.”

Rob Kardashian is apparently fat and depressed again, according to sources who are definitely Kris Jenner, because one way or another, young man, you’re going to fuck on camera for your mother. Buckle up, that’s how this post is going down. Via TMZ:

Rob Kardashian has given up on life again, retreating to the confines of his home and gaining all his weight back … so claim members of his family who are worried his life is now in danger.

Our Kardashian sources say … Rob and Blac Chyna have split, and he’s been living at his own home for nearly 2 months, almost never walking out his front door.

His family is super worried about him, just like they were for years when they ignored him eating himself into type-2 diatetes in Khloe’s basement until a human being gross enough to let him impregnate her signed her soul over to a figure who seemed to be made of just shadows and butt meat. So why now? What could possibly be the reason they give a shit this time that Rob won’t come out of his nacho fort?

Rob is also MIA for his own show. Chyna — who’s 8 months pregnant — showed up for an appearance to promote “Rob & Chyna” and he was a no-show. He didn’t even stop by the baby shower that was thrown specifically for him a few days ago.

Oh, hell no. He didn’t show up for the free baby shit and he’s fucking with the ad revenue? Kris Jenner’s going to have to Cosby a bitch.

“Okay, Chyna, I loaded up his In-N-Out with ludes and viagra. You’re up.”
“I don’t know if I’m comfortable with this.”
“Dear, let me explain to you how we do things in this famil–“
“Kidding, bitch! Now angle the camera high and on my left side. I want my knife tattoo in the shot.”

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