Rihanna’s Star Trek Song Helped The Star Trek Cast ‘Heal,’ Goddammit

This post was going to be another rant about Anton Yelchin’s death, and all the gross ways that click-leeches [Ed. Note: Hi! – SW] have milked that three-word phrase to generate impressions, capitalize on momentum for a lawsuit, and now publicly grieve while simultaneously promoting their new hit movie — in theaters July 22nd! Because barely a week after Anton’s death, Zachary Quinto and Zoe Saldana felt it wouldn’t be gross as shit to not only fawn over the Rihanna song in the new Star Trek Beyond trailer, but credit it for helping them heal. Holy. Fuck. Inhale. Exhale. Okay.

I was also going to point out that I don’t remember the Warner Bros. PR machine pulling this tacky faux sentimentality with The Dark Knight. Then I remembered that movie didn’t have a whiff of Justin Lin stink on it, and would never have included a tacked-on tribute scene where Batman and Joker do a fist bump then down a Jack and Ambien. What? No one else remembers the end of Furious 7 where Pablo and Vin speed around treacherous cliffside highways while gazing into each other’s eyes instead of looking at the road and not dying in fiery crashes like reckless assholes?

Then I was going to point out that unless “Sledgehammer” was Rihanna’s nickname for Anton Yelchin’s dick, this song has nothing to do do with that kid. And not just because it might have been written two years ago, but because Rihanna makes songs about fucking. Christ, “Work” was basically just her having a seven minute leg-shaking orgasm to the point where she wasn’t even saying full words anymore. Her current tour is just her squatting on a glass catwalk that’s one girl and one cup shy of making Germany Grexit in its pants:

And then I watched the trailer, and see if these lyrics jump out at you. Or more specifically, back into you even though you thought they were in park.
 

I hit a wall
I hit a wall

I hit a wall

I hit a wall

I hit a wall

I HIT A WALL

 
SIX FUCKING TIMES! They re-cut the song for the trailer to repeat that specific line over and over. Fuck it guys, I’m out. If my current reality isn’t just an advanced alien computer simulation called Break Carmen’s Brain, then I have no explanation for why anything happens anymore. My cat could float into this room on a hoverboard and tell me my four-month-old was heading out to pick up lunch and I’d just say “Nothing for me, thanks. I want to see if I’m allowed to starve to death on this level.”

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