F*ck Me In The Solstice, Why Did I Do This? A Review of Sarah Palin’s Christmas Book (Pt. 3)
We now return to our review of Good Tidings and Great Joy already in progress…
[Ed. Note: Because I hate myself, I’ve been spending four hours of writing for every one hour of reading, so this is all the intro you’re getting. Suck it. – SW]
4. TRUE GRIT
Chapter 4 is all about the genuine “grit” of true American Christians, and before I even wade into that horseshit, I need to point out the deliciously oblivious irony of Sarah Palin using the title of a John Wayne movie when The Duke once wrote a letter to Ronald Reagan, Sarah’s other personal Lord and Savior, chewing him out for deliberately lying about the Panama Canal Treaty. History is fun! Anyway, like every chapter in this book, it starts with Sarah describing another idyllic Alaskan Christmas, only this one has to be more rugged and full of simple, down-home character, so it talks about storing the Christmas decorations under her dad’s ammo reloading bench for next year. Doesn’t everybody store their tinsel next to the bullets? That’s just good, wholesome American values. Now, Bobby, fetch me them little angel ornaments and don’t be shootin’ your baby sister.
From there, Sarah Palin expresses her love for private businesses who “fearlessly” put up proper, Jesus-based Christmas decorations in December which is a bullshit assertion for two reasons: 1. Private businesses have the absolute right to be huge dicks about their faith, and not a single person is arguing against that because, try and follow me here, THEY’RE NOT THE FUCKING GOVERNMENT. 2. As Sarah Palin lays out her guidelines for other businesses to follow suit, one of her main points is that very little people will even have a problem with it, so by that logic, it’s really not that “fearless” than is it? Sad and depressing for anyone hoping to advance society by embracing science so we can get our Starfleet on and fuck aliens, yes, but fearless, not so much.
So here are Sarah Palin guidelines for being a good Christian business because only honoring Christmas, and not respecting those other bullshit religions, is “good for the community, makes financial sense, and is the right thing to do.” A golly gee you betcha.
1. “Your business can reflect your community’s values and traditions.”
Here Sarah Palin starts with a quote from Sam Walton because if she has a third Lord and Savior after Jesus and Reagan, it’s Walmart. Which is just a perfect example because not even a week ago they got caught accepting more food donations for its employees who it doesn’t pay enough and is making work on Thanksgiving instead of having a day off with their families thanks to the expansion of Black Friday. So wholesome “values and traditions” all around. Then again, Thanksgiving didn’t birth a baby messiah into the world, so it can eat a dick. In fact, all it does is give liberals another excuse to whine and complain about how we “stole” this country from Native Americans even though everyone knows they lost it to us fair and square in a card game because of their gambling problem. Also, their spirit animals probably should’ve came up with Manifest Destiny first which is just more proof that Jesus owns all y’all’s shit. USA!
2. “Realize there are actually very few haters and cranks.”
I touched on this before, but here Sarah Palin makes it a point that naturally everyone is going to jump on and ride the hard sweet Jesus power shooting out of your business, so there’s no point in focusing on the very, very few – probably not even real – “haters.” And then she drops another oblivious gem:
Don’t be intimidated by this tiny minority. Just because they’re loud, doesn’t mean they’re right.
3. “Serve your customers well, and they’ll stick with you when you stick to your principles.”
And now’s the part where Sarah Palin brings up the Chick-fil-A debacle from last summer which I’m not even going to rehash. But her entire point is that since Chick-fil-A is so polite and full of delicious chicken meats, it’s customers were happy to proudly display their shithead bigotry. Which is why your business shouldn’t be afraid to piss in the face of anyone who’s not a straight, Christian Republican because people are “starving for high-quality businesses that also honor the community’s values–and don’t retreat from a fight.” So basically hate. They’re hungry for deep-fried hate. With biscuits.
4. “The media speaks for itself and not the masses. Ignore it.”
Translation: “FOX News fired me, and fuck you, Katie Couric.”
5. BAD NEWS, GOOD NEWS
Amazingly, Sarah Palin doesn’t start this chapter with another Alaskan Christmas, but what she does have is more fictional scenarios of a dark, atheist future and another list. She’s really into lists now. This chapter starts out with Sarah speaking at Southeastern University because a fool and his money shall soon be parted. Anyway, she uses that to give herself credentials to pretend she knows anything about the Arab Spring and how democracy didn’t work in Egypt because Islam isn’t Jesus Magic™. Which dovetails into this absolutely rich quote if you know anything at all about the Christian conservative right in America:
A democracy without respect for individual liberty is just a tyranny of the majority.
From there, she starts complaining about schools not pushing Christianity on students which is only weakening our Republic with “Obamaphone vouchers.” Oh, yes, she definitely brought up Obamaphones, the most widely refuted bullshit right-wing talking point of the past four years that even Sarah Palin should’ve known better to use. (If you don’t know, Lifeline is a free phone service started under Reagan for income-eligible citizens. It was expanded to included cellphones under George W. Bush. Even better, IT’S PAID FOR BY THE PHONE COMPANIES.) But Sarah Palin has another list of wisdom to help America get back on track and restore such old-fashioned values as “respect for life” and “love thy neighbor.” Which is ironic for a woman who just spent the previous chapter blowing a chicken joint for hosting a nationwide Hate Thy Neighbor day. As for respect for life, Sarah Palin is pro-death penalty, pro-war, and anti-things that actually keep people alive like food stamps, the Affordable Care Act, diplomacy, and gun control. “Because once your born, fuck you,” as Jesus so often said.
1. “Voters don’t want to give power to someone who doesn’t believe he or she will someday have to answer to the ultimate authority.”
2. “Faith has been an amazing force for good in our culture.”
Here is where Sarah Palin literally tries to say American Christianity ended slavery and started the civil rights movement. So just a refresher:
Who preached slavery was God’s will because it’s in The Bible? White southern churches.
Who was against miscegenation? White southern churches.
Who was against desegregation? White southern churches.
Who’s voted Republican ever since Lyndon B. Johnson signed the Civil Rights Act? White southern churches.
And just for fun, how did Sarah Palin’s denomination the Assemblies of God start? As a white southern church.
They sure know how to pick their issues. Say, how’s that whole marriage thing going?
3. “Liberals tend to believe people are good, and institutions like the church or the traditional family are actually oppressive. … By contrast, conservatives tend to believe that people aren’t that great to start with. And without faith and family to guide us and reinforce values that often go against our selfish desires, we’ll drift toward our destruction.”
First off, I want Sarah Palin to take a look at the list in the last point, and then tell me the church isn’t oppressive. Without saying gays don’t count! (Or black people which you can practically see ricocheting inside her empty head.) Second, she goes off on liberals for handing out condoms and abortion pills and word salad word salad word salad, which means we don’t necessarily think people are “bad,” we just understand biology. Then again, if you raise your kids in a home filled with traditional, old-fashioned values and God-fearing, Alaskan Christmases, they won’t need condoms or Plan B to begin with. When has that ever backfired?