F*ck Me In The Solstice, Why Did I Do This? A Review of Sarah Palin’s Christmas Book (Pt. 3)

November 30th, 2013 // 61 Comments
Sarah Palin

We now return to our review of Good Tidings and Great Joy already in progress…

[Ed. Note: Because I hate myself, I've been spending four hours of writing for every one hour of reading, so this is all the intro you're getting. Suck it. - SW]

4. TRUE GRIT

Chapter 4 is all about the genuine “grit” of true American Christians, and before I even wade into that horseshit, I need to point out the deliciously oblivious irony of Sarah Palin using the title of a John Wayne movie when The Duke once wrote a letter to Ronald Reagan, Sarah’s other personal Lord and Savior, chewing him out for deliberately lying about the Panama Canal Treaty. History is fun! Anyway, like every chapter in this book, it starts with Sarah describing another idyllic Alaskan Christmas, only this one has to be more rugged and full of simple, down-home character, so it talks about storing the Christmas decorations under her dad’s ammo reloading bench for next year. Doesn’t everybody store their tinsel next to the bullets? That’s just good, wholesome American values. Now, Bobby, fetch me them little angel ornaments and don’t be shootin’ your baby sister.

From there, Sarah Palin expresses her love for private businesses who “fearlessly” put up proper, Jesus-based Christmas decorations in December which is a bullshit assertion for two reasons: 1. Private businesses have the absolute right to be huge dicks about their faith, and not a single person is arguing against that because, try and follow me here, THEY’RE NOT THE FUCKING GOVERNMENT. 2. As Sarah Palin lays out her guidelines for other businesses to follow suit, one of her main points is that very little people will even have a problem with it, so by that logic, it’s really not that “fearless” than is it? Sad and depressing for anyone hoping to advance society by embracing science so we can get our Starfleet on and fuck aliens, yes, but fearless, not so much.

So here are Sarah Palin guidelines for being a good Christian business because only honoring Christmas, and not respecting those other bullshit religions, is “good for the community, makes financial sense, and is the right thing to do.” A golly gee you betcha.

1. “Your business can reflect your community’s values and traditions.”

Here Sarah Palin starts with a quote from Sam Walton because if she has a third Lord and Savior after Jesus and Reagan, it’s Walmart. Which is just a perfect example because not even a week ago they got caught accepting more food donations for its employees who it doesn’t pay enough and is making work on Thanksgiving instead of having a day off with their families thanks to the expansion of Black Friday. So wholesome “values and traditions” all around. Then again, Thanksgiving didn’t birth a baby messiah into the world, so it can eat a dick. In fact, all it does is give liberals another excuse to whine and complain about how we “stole” this country from Native Americans even though everyone knows they lost it to us fair and square in a card game because of their gambling problem. Also, their spirit animals probably should’ve came up with Manifest Destiny first which is just more proof that Jesus owns all y’all’s shit. USA!

2. “Realize there are actually very few haters and cranks.”

I touched on this before, but here Sarah Palin makes it a point that naturally everyone is going to jump on and ride the hard sweet Jesus power shooting out of your business, so there’s no point in focusing on the very, very few – probably not even real – “haters.” And then she drops another oblivious gem:

Don’t be intimidated by this tiny minority. Just because they’re loud, doesn’t mean they’re right.

You don’t say?

3. “Serve your customers well, and they’ll stick with you when you stick to your principles.”

And now’s the part where Sarah Palin brings up the Chick-fil-A debacle from last summer which I’m not even going to rehash. But her entire point is that since Chick-fil-A is so polite and full of delicious chicken meats, it’s customers were happy to proudly display their shithead bigotry. Which is why your business shouldn’t be afraid to piss in the face of anyone who’s not a straight, Christian Republican because people are “starving for high-quality businesses that also honor the community’s values–and don’t retreat from a fight.” So basically hate. They’re hungry for deep-fried hate. With biscuits.

4. “The media speaks for itself and not the masses. Ignore it.”

Translation: “FOX News fired me, and fuck you, Katie Couric.”

5. BAD NEWS, GOOD NEWS

Amazingly, Sarah Palin doesn’t start this chapter with another Alaskan Christmas, but what she does have is more fictional scenarios of a dark, atheist future and another list. She’s really into lists now. This chapter starts out with Sarah speaking at Southeastern University because a fool and his money shall soon be parted. Anyway, she uses that to give herself credentials to pretend she knows anything about the Arab Spring and how democracy didn’t work in Egypt because Islam isn’t Jesus Magic™. Which dovetails into this absolutely rich quote if you know anything at all about the Christian conservative right in America:

A democracy without respect for individual liberty is just a tyranny of the majority.

From there, she starts complaining about schools not pushing Christianity on students which is only weakening our Republic with “Obamaphone vouchers.” Oh, yes, she definitely brought up Obamaphones, the most widely refuted bullshit right-wing talking point of the past four years that even Sarah Palin should’ve known better to use. (If you don’t know, Lifeline is a free phone service started under Reagan for income-eligible citizens. It was expanded to included cellphones under George W. Bush. Even better, IT’S PAID FOR BY THE PHONE COMPANIES.) But Sarah Palin has another list of wisdom to help America get back on track and restore such old-fashioned values as “respect for life” and “love thy neighbor.” Which is ironic for a woman who just spent the previous chapter blowing a chicken joint for hosting a nationwide Hate Thy Neighbor day. As for respect for life, Sarah Palin is pro-death penalty, pro-war, and anti-things that actually keep people alive like food stamps, the Affordable Care Act, diplomacy, and gun control. “Because once your born, fuck you,” as Jesus so often said.

1. “Voters don’t want to give power to someone who doesn’t believe he or she will someday have to answer to the ultimate authority.”

Yes, because voting for someone who thinks Jesus is going to be back any minute now is working out great for everyone. No dire, irreversible consequences there.

2. “Faith has been an amazing force for good in our culture.”

Here is where Sarah Palin literally tries to say American Christianity ended slavery and started the civil rights movement. So just a refresher:

Who preached slavery was God’s will because it’s in The Bible? White southern churches.
Who was against miscegenation? White southern churches.
Who was against desegregation? White southern churches.
Who’s voted Republican ever since Lyndon B. Johnson signed the Civil Rights Act? White southern churches.
And just for fun, how did Sarah Palin’s denomination the Assemblies of God start? As a white southern church.

They sure know how to pick their issues. Say, how’s that whole marriage thing going?

3. “Liberals tend to believe people are good, and institutions like the church or the traditional family are actually oppressive. … By contrast, conservatives tend to believe that people aren’t that great to start with. And without faith and family to guide us and reinforce values that often go against our selfish desires, we’ll drift toward our destruction.”

First off, I want Sarah Palin to take a look at the list in the last point, and then tell me the church isn’t oppressive. Without saying gays don’t count! (Or black people which you can practically see ricocheting inside her empty head.) Second, she goes off on liberals for handing out condoms and abortion pills and word salad word salad word salad, which means we don’t necessarily think people are “bad,” we just understand biology. Then again, if you raise your kids in a home filled with traditional, old-fashioned values and God-fearing, Alaskan Christmases, they won’t need condoms or Plan B to begin with. When has that ever backfired?

Bristol Palin

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Photo: Getty

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  1. Double J

    Seriously? Three posts on the same thing, three days in a row? .

    You seriously need to seek some mental help for this unhealthy obsession you seem to have for attempting to ridicule anything having to do with conservatives…. oh, and George Zimmerman as well.

    Please for the love of whatever you hold good and decent, get some help before you wind up hurting yourself… or find yourself in a small windowless cell in Guantanamo Bay.

    .

    • o'chunt

      Go fuck yourself. His cause is a good one: your country (I assume you’re American) is severely fucked and Fish is only doing whatever he can to unfuck it.

      • Reviewing the book of some hack conservative isn’t going to “unfuck” anything. The problems in this country go way beyond one political party. All Fish is doing is preaching to the liberal choir.

      • Dox

        Absolutely true that reviewing a book will not unfuck this country. However, I thoroughly enjoy it when someone says, writes, sings, or films something that is filled with so much bullshit you have to be completely brain dead not to see it.

        However, we are passed liberal choir at this point and more into… Fish is preaching to those grounded in reality.

    • eilliM

      Seconding the “go fuck yourself.”

      This is social commentary at its finest.

    • I can see where you’d be upset and get the idea that you can dictate content, what with the exorbitant subscription fees you pay to access the site.

    • Mama Pinkus

      starting senseless wars and crashing the economy A-OK but DON’T MAKE FUN OF THEM!!!

  2. Caroline

    I have to tell you, I enjoyed reading this. I have no strong feelings politically, one way or the other, I’m not an american. Palin just seems delusional, plain and simple.

  3. Cock Dr

    A blog is a great place for personal venting against the idiocy & injustices of life. I locked on to this one several years ago when the blogger posted their preference for jumping into a wood chipper rather than submit to having John McCain as president. This multi day political commentary arc will annoy a lot of people but I’d rather see this than another K klan photo.
    I do miss MIP. Bring that back.

  4. Let me take a moment to say that I would love to bang Bristol and her mother at the same time.

    You may now return to your political drivel.

    • Dox

      We need a lottery called Celebrity Grudge Fuck.

      (Goes back to quietly pacing the cage, waiting….)

      • I’ll sign up for Cindy or Meghan McCain. Both of them together, though? That’s a little creepy.

      • cc

        Where have Meghan McCain’s tits been lately anyway?

        Do you think I could get to dress up as elf, btw?

      • jep

        Can we have one of those “battle royales” where everybody gets in the ring and the last one standing, in this case, is the loser?

        I’d shell out for a PPV of Teh Lohan, Rihanna, Selena Gomez, all those Kardashian Kunts and those sweet meat Jenner girls in an anything goes death-match royale.

  5. The Buddha

    Dude you run a celeb T&A site. No one gives a shit about your politics. If I want political insight I’ll go read someone with an education.

  6. Northerngirl

    I give a shit about his politics. This series has been enjoyable as hell.

  7. Rick Patel

    Sweet, smart, sensitive, stylish Sarah Palin, Amereica’s leading lady of letters, has penned another blockbuster best-selling book with “Good Tidings & Great Joy”. Thanks for posting the beautiful photo of her brave, buxom, bodacious daughter, Bristol.

  8. LinkedOut

    Jesus fucking Christ, give it a rest! We get it! You hate her! For the love of God, shut the fuck up about it!

    • SMB

      …yeah Fish, stop holding that gun to all of our head’s forcing us to read your goddamn political articl… what? oh, you’re NOT forcing anyone to read ANY particular post? …oh …well, then, please change the the way the site works so that we are’nt forced to sit through your goddamn lefty rants before we’re allowed to scroll down to tits and… hm? what’s that? oh, we ARE allowed to scroll past any article we don’t want to read? …i see …ok, well, at the very least you should reinstate the old system where the readers were the ones who dictated what topics you’re allowed to write about, or not write about, on your websit …pardon? you say that was NEVER the way this site worked?

      …ok, so, let me get this straight, what you’re telling me is:
      A) it’s your website and you’re allowed to write about whatever the fuck you goddamn well please?
      B) anyone is allowed to click on any post they want to read and they can just skip right the fuck passed any post they don’t want to read.

      …well then someone explain to me WHAT THE FUCK ARE ALL THESE FUCKING DOUCHEBAGS BITCHING & COMPLAINING ABOUT??? jesus christ…

  9. I had to stop reading. The bullshit just got so thick that it just wasn’t worth it to me to keep wading through it and risk inducing an aneurysm. Plus life’s too short, yadda yadda yadda.

    But I did like learning about your (heretofore secret?) alien-fucking fantasy. I was going to guess that it was inspired by Yvonne Craig’s green-skinned psycho on the original Star Trek, but then I remembered that you were more likely exposed first to The Next Generation and the other sequelae. So, maybe Tasha Yar, or Seven of Nine?

  10. “If you like your bullshit, you can keep your bullshit”—President Obama……………………………………………………………For now.

    • Dox

      “The Iraqi regime . . . possesses and produces chemical and biological weapons. It is seeking nuclear weapons. We know that the regime has produced thousands of tons of chemical agents, including mustard gas, sarin nerve gas, VX nerve gas.” – Former President Bush

      See Bullshit comes in all flavors.

      • you can add Clinton ( both of them ) and most rep’s from both parties to that B.S. list along with all foreign intel sources. Oh yeah and mr. global warming himself…..that’s a big list

      • Dox

        Finally… you’re starting to catch on.
        Hence the reason, it comes in ALL flavors.

      • BTW Dox I was over there was you? The weapons were there I still have photos of them.

      • Well Dox, that’s all fine and all but WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH YOUR GOD—OBAMA? You need to get off that medical pot man.

      • Dox

        This is the last time I will say this… so try and pay attention.
        I.
        Am.
        Not.
        A
        Democrat.
        So you’re entire argument that Obama is “my god” is based on your faulty assumption that I somehow worship one faction of politics over another.

        You really are not very smart. You don’t really read what I write, you read what you want to think. You make assumptions based off of what you would like for me to believe, not what I have stated. So, no point in responding to you further.

      • It’s obvious that intelligence isn’t one of the strong points of the people who’ve been defending Sarah Palin for the past 3 days. On the first post of Fish’s review of the piece of shit Palin just flung at the masses, one drone, the one with mayo in his name automatically assumed I was a liberal because I don’t like Sarah Palin.

        News flash to the new readers of the site, I am not American. Your bullshit liberal vs conservative pissing competition doesn’t apply to me. I don’t like Palin because she’s an idiotic, opportunistic, whiny, heartless excuse for a human being.

  11. Sarah Plain…get bent. When did Bristol get hot? It’s a shame though. She, much like Kylie and Kendall Jenner will never be fuckable to me due to the blood that flows through their veins.

    We already know Bristol is anti abortion so you might fuck around and end up with Sarah Palin as your kids fucking grandmother. Fuck that.

  12. theextremistfish

    I come to this site to escape the lies and bullshit slung by both parties.
    What do I find? A leftists twit trying his utter best to prop up his failing
    ideology.

    Not only is the progressive movement outdated and antique but Obama
    and the rest of the leftist have proven time and again that it is a complete
    failure.

    Fuck Palin, fuck Obama and fuck every other politician out to purchase votes
    and gain power.

    oh and fuck Fish for towing the party line.

    • Dox

      1- you cant tow the party line. That would be akin to Fish hooking it up to his beat up VW bus and trying drag it to the nearest political repair shop, which as we all know, doesn’t exist.

      Its toe the line. As in, do not cross this line.

      2- Sarah Palin is not a politician. She was a politician. She quit. She is now a private citizen. She chose to then become a public figure. This site is about public figures, also known as celebrities. And god help us, Palin is… a celebrity. (chokes on his words.)

      As for the fuck politicians. Amen.

    • cc

      When I get a boat I am going to call it ‘The Party Line’ so I can make the same corny jokes over and over.

  13. cc

    Whee’s Dr McBeef? I need for him to explain how Sarah should be treated for paranoid delusions.

  14. bullpensendup

    Oops, the delusional types are alive and well in their minuscule world of hate and plunder…actually, they are the programmers who did the Obama-care Web hosting and well, you see the level they are at!

  15. bullpensendup

    An example of the anti-Palin intelligence and wit: “Sarah Plain…get bent. When did Bristol get hot? It’s a shame though. She, much like Kylie and Kendall Jenner will never be fuckable to me due to the blood that flows through their veins.

    We already know Bristol is anti abortion so you might fuck around and end up with Sarah Palin as your kids fucking grandmother. Fuck that.”
    Hey, this is a class act waiting to go prime time! Not…..

  16. I am fascinated by the “Don’t post your politics. I don’t come here for that” posters that keep coming back to the thread over and over.

    “Why no I don’t understand how websites make money?! I’m going to visit your website several times a day to tell you how dumb you are for not thinking that same as me about stuff!”

  17. Palin is just flat out delusional. First of all since the 1980s violent crime and juvenlie crime has been in a steady decline, this was all long after we took GOD out of our schools. 2005 there was a study Richard Dawkins mentions in God Delusion that found that in t he areas where there is greater religious belief in prosperous democracies there is higher violent crime, higher poverty, higher teen pregnancies and STD rates.

    If christian conservatism leads to societal health we are sure not seeing it.

    Norway religion is all but dead over there, they lave the lowest crime and the highest standard of living in the world.

  18. Hugh G. Rection

    I agree with most of the political views that have appeared here, whether it is about Sarah Palin being a dimwitted moron or that George Zimmerman is a murderer. With that said, I wish it would end because I come to this site to see nip slips and to goof on the Kardashians. No more Palin or Zimmerman please!

  19. The Pope

    Love the articles. Hate the pictures. They kind of bring down the fantasy of her giving me a hand job. Not destroy it, just bring it down.

  20. Swearin

    A) If you have read this site in the last few years, you already know where Fish’s politics stand, so I’m amazed at how many people are acting like this is a surprise. However, most of these posts are mainly about Sarah Palin: Private Citizen with a dumb Christmas book, not Sarah Palin: Tea Party Barbie.

    B) It’s a holiday weekend, there’s shit for breaking celebrity news, so he might as well exercise his right to free speech on…

    C) …his own damn blog, that he puts up and has creative control over. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to visit this website! That’s one of the rights we get in this country, huzzah!

  21. Zorro

    Speaking as a right wing, 2nd-Amendment supporter, abortion opponent and pro-military zealot, Sarah Palin is, in my view, a political Kim Kardashian: smokin’ hawt babeness who is dumber than a fucking trout.

    I’d love to anal her. I’ll bet she has the cutest squeaks. But listen to her seriously? She’s a creationist cunt with the IQ of a clam.
    I hate liberals, but this write-up deserves a Pulitzer.

  22. Zorro

    …one other thing, folks:

    It’s “toe the line,” not “tow the line.”

  23. If you hear moans and a smoky saxophone in the background, that’s because Fish is really … (dramatic pause) … NAILIN’ PALIN.

    *retreats under a barrage of turkey carcasses*

  24. martina

    Seriously, there is not another American who is a bigger waste of oxygen and bandwidth today than Sarah Palin.

  25. The Joker

    I am so tired of these religious nutjobs. I was raised in a religious family. But like George Carlin said I was religious until I reached the age of reason and started to see what churches really do in this world. Or people who abuse religion. The only reason people like Palin don’t burn people at the stake like the Taliban for not prostrating before THEIR approved God is because they don’t have absolute power.

    Don’t misunderstand. I do think that people should strives to better themselves and the world around them. But from what I see in the world churches are less and less a part of that.

    For example, the priest of my grandmother’s church would not bury her unless I paid her church back taxes for the last 5 years. Now, to illustrate. My grandmother lived on minimum SS and often we supported her financially. One of her daughters died, the other lives in an asylum. It’s one thing to ask for donations, but to not not give someone the last rights (!) because she couldn’t pay the church?! A church that preaches you can’t take money with you when you die?! These are not the actions of a devine institution. This is Corporate America operation manual, page 1.

    Again, if you are a religious person because it’s important to you and you try to do good in the world I support it fully. I’m just criticizing those who use religion to gain power and/or wealth and to manipulate or force people into their own narrow minded world.

  26. Ripley's Believe It Or Not

    The complaints put forth about why such content gets featured on TS continue to both befuddle and amuse me. It’s been obvious from the titles & pictures what the content of these 3 entires on Palin from Fish have been about well before one is ever tempted to click on them. If you don’t like a particular entry, DON’T CLICK ON IT. If you obey that rule, guess what – the content won’t piss you off. The obvious continues to escape the complainers.

  27. MattOKC

    “‘As Sarah Palin lays out her guidelines for other businesses to follow suit, one of her main points is that very little people will even have a problem with it, so by that logic, it’s really not that “fearless” than is it?”

    Who edits this thing? This sentence implies that midgets will object to Palin (as opposed to “very FEW people…”), and the punctuation and spelling in the four words is appalling.

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